[momtwo4]

I've been feeling frustrated lately. As I've discussed before, I've been struggling with a low-sex drive for numerous reasons. My husband's sex-drive seems higher than ever. I probably only physically crave sex once a month (around when I'm ovulating). At any rate, I try to have sex with my husband around 2 times a week since I know once-a-month is not fair to him.

I guess I'm feeling a little resentful because it seems like even 2 times a week is not enough. After sex, he seems happy for the first day or two. Then he starts making all these sexual comments, gestures, and I can tell that sex is really on his mind again.

The problem is that I don't find all these gestures attractive at all. For instance, he will rush into the room while I'm changing and go "oooh" and raise his eyebrows. When I'm showering, he'll be right there opening the shower door. And he's always trying to show me his erection saying "look what happened." When I'm on the floor doing crunches he'll ask "can you do that in a bikini?" I honestly feel smothered sometimes, and like sex is all that is on his mind. I feel bad because I end up feeling like I just want some SPACE. I feel guilty because I feel like I should be enjoying this attention, but I'm not.

I wish we could find some things that we really enjoy together. I have so much that I love to do, but he has no interest in doing it. I recently finished my first half-marathon. Four kids later, I was tired of feeling frumpy and out-of-shape. So a couple of months ago, I decided enough was enough and I started jogging. It was hard, yeah. It wasn't always fun. But I finished the half in 2:10. It feels great to be back in shape! I've tried to encourage my husband to go and get some exercise, but he's always like "no. I'll just stay here and get fat."

We have no t.v. shows that we watch together. Instead, he usually watches television while I read or work online. Recently I did discover a mini-series that I LOVE. I wanted him to watch it with me. Nope. So I'm now watching it with a group of friends. He seems sad when I go out to watch it with them.

So I'm worried because I sometimes feel like we're drifting further apart, and I don't always find his sexual advances appealing. I would find it so much more of a turn-on if he gave me some space, went out, and did something for himself!

Does anyone have any advice? Am I a total jerk for feeling this way???

 

[MEM2020]

Mt4,
You need to be really straight with him about this. Some emotional alcohol will make the surgery more tolerable.

You could start by thanking him for being a hard worker and solid provider. And a good dad.

And then tell him you are sorry your body is not responding the way you wish it would from a desire standpoint.

If possible, tell him what kinds of things are turn ons as well as the list of things that are turn offs.

And it is fair to ask him why he doesn't want to exercise with you.

 

[momtwo4]

Mt4,
You need to be really straight with him about this. Some emotional alcohol will make the surgery more tolerable.

You could start by thanking him for being a hard worker and solid provider. And a good dad.

And then tell him you are sorry your body is not responding the way you wish it would from a desire standpoint.

If possible, tell him what kinds of things are turn ons as well as the list of things that are turn offs.

And it is fair to ask him why he doesn't want to exercise with you.

Thanks for the response. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I do find some of the things he does when he wants sex a major turn-off. I would find it attractive if he took the initiative to exercise and to find some hobbies that he enjoys (besides television or playing on his phone). I don't want to be controlling though.

I would love it if he would hug me, or put his arm around me and kiss me. Maybe if he grabbed both of my hands, looked me in the eyes and said that he loved me. I just don't enjoy the groping, the penis showing, the endless sexual comments. I'm not sure why. Maybe it seems juvenile??

 

[IndyTMI]

Sounds like his desire for you is much higher than yours for him.
Your sexual rank is higher than his and he isn't doing anything to increase his. As you continue to improve upon yourself and spend time away from him (find more reasons to spend time away from him), he may eventually get the signals you are sending him and do what is necessary to increase his sexual rank to come closer to yours. I believe his complacency is a turn off for you...if he was more interested in actively participating with you beside the sexual connection, you'd have more desire for him.

best of luck...

 

[momtwo4]

Sounds like his desire for you is much higher than yours for him.
Your sexual rank is higher than his and he isn't doing anything to increase his. As you continue to improve upon yourself and spend time away from him (find more reasons to spend time away from him), he may eventually get the signals you are sending him and do what is necessary to increase his sexual rank to come closer to yours. I believe his complacency is a turn off for you...if he was more interested in actively participating with you beside the sexual connection, you'd have more desire for him.

best of luck...

You could very well be right. We're definitely opposites in many ways. I'm very driven and have a type A personality. He's easy-going and not always very motivated. He's a wonderful loyal husband and provider, and I do love him. But I just don't always feel that we have the greatest connection and I struggle with drive and attraction, I guess.

I'm now training for a marathon, and am in the best shape of my life. I grew my hair out, and am trying to dress stylishly. I'm also passionate about so many things that he doesn't even care to talk about. It's disconcerting because sometimes I feel like the things that drew us together (we balanced each other out) are the things that are now driving us apart.

 

[strugglinghusband]

Tell him.....so easy, yet so hard.

 

[Tall Average Guy]

Apart from MEMs advice, some thoughts on doing things together:

We have no t.v. shows that we watch together. Instead, he usually watches television while I read or work online. Recently I did discover a mini-series that I LOVE. I wanted him to watch it with me. Nope. So I'm now watching it with a group of friends. He seems sad when I go out to watch it with them.

Understanding that you are upset that he won't watch your show with you, why won't you watch his shows? Is there a possibility that he is (wrongly, but perhaps at least a tiny bit understandably) wondering why he should do something for you that you won't do with him? Perhaps ask him to watch two show a week together, one that you pick and one that he picks. That shows him your willingness to meet half way.

With respect to the exercise, is he open to more fun activities, like bike riding or hiking in a park? Something that is more activity and less "exercise"?

Finally, what friends does he have? Any way to encourage him to do things with them, even if it is just going out for trivia night or something once a week? Do you know his friends well enough to subtly encourage that?

It is difficult with him not being here to give advice. There is a lot I would tell him, but since you are here, I have to give the suggestions to you. Some of which is figuring out ways to encourage him.

 

[momtwo4]

Apart from MEMs advice, some thoughts on doing things together:



Understanding that you are upset that he won't watch your show with you, why won't you watch his shows? Is there a possibility that he is (wrongly, but perhaps at least a tiny bit understandably) wondering why he should do something for you that you won't do with him? Perhaps ask him to watch two show a week together, one that you pick and one that he picks. That shows him your willingness to meet half way.

With respect to the exercise, is he open to more fun activities, like bike riding or hiking in a park? Something that is more activity and less "exercise"?

Finally, what friends does he have? Any way to encourage him to do things with them, even if it is just going out for trivia night or something once a week? Do you know his friends well enough to subtly encourage that?

It is difficult with him not being here to give advice. There is a lot I would tell him, but since you are here, I have to give the suggestions to you. Some of which is figuring out ways to encourage him.

That's a good point about the television. I could try to do that. As far as the activity, he might be. He does have a bike that he occasionally rides. But he just doesn't seem to have motivation to do much activity of any sort regularly. Maybe I will encourage him to start biking. He really needs exercise of some sort. I think it would help his frame of mind. He has some friends, but they don't do much together. I wish they would. My girlfriends and I are always planning get-togethers, but the guys just don't plan much. I don't know why. I'll keep encouraging him.

Thanks for the suggestions. I appreciate it!

 

[Tall Average Guy]

That's a good point about the television. I could try to do that. As far as the activity, he might be. He does have a bike that he occasionally rides. But he just doesn't seem to have motivation to do much activity of any sort regularly. Maybe I will encourage him to start biking. He really needs exercise of some sort. I think it would help his frame of mind. He has some friends, but they don't do much together. I wish they would. My girlfriends and I are always planning get-togethers, but the guys just don't plan much. I don't know why. I'll keep encouraging him.

Thanks for the suggestions. I appreciate it!

I am a bit similar, in that I tend not to plan activities with my friends as much as my wife does. I am getting better at it, but it is a weakness of mine. My wife compliments me by doing that, including arranging get togethers with groups of friends, both mine and hers, including spouses. A while back, we got together for a picnic that included a kickball game with families. Another time, the guys ended up playing basketball. My wife had some very nice things to say after watching me sweat and compete for a bit. She is a lower desire, but got pretty warmed up herself watching me. It also helped because while we were doing things together, we did not actually spend large amounts of time together right next to each other. It gave us a bit of space if you will.

I am just thinking out loud and throwing some ideas out there that might be of help.

 

[Chris Taylor]

I think a lot of us guys have been guilty of being juvenile at least once (me? Maybe more than once) when it comes to sex. I have found that there's a period after sex when I'm satisfied, then a period after that where I'm horny and trying to be nice, then I move into the juvenile behavior.

For me, that spans a week since I'd be happy with sex 2-3 times a week. But if your husband would be happy with sex 7+ times a week, he's going to hit juvenileville after a couple of days.

I think you have to be honest with him. He turns you off by doing that, you are trying to meet his sexual needs by having sex twice per week and him being juvenile about it makes it less likely that you are going to have sex with him.

As for exercise and TV, again there needs to be compromise. My wife will watch her shows and I may sit next to her reading, but we're together. Then I may watch mine and she'll put her head in my lap and just lay there for the non-sexual intimacy that she needs.

 

[unbelievable]

Would you prefer your husband make those comments about another woman? Ok, he's a horndog, but at least he's a horndog for you and not the woman next door or some woman at work. I'm sure it can be frustrating for you, but imagine the frustration of wives (or husbands) who never get approving looks or sexual gestures from their mate. I would be pretty thrilled to know my wife got horny just from the sight of me....or for any other reason. If you're having that kind of effect on him, you must look pretty amazing and you've gotta feel great about that. Lots of women spend a fortune, diet, work themselves silly at the gym, and still can't get a positive reaction from their husband. Maybe he doesn't want to feed his inner homosexual by watching some tear-jerking chick flick series with you, but I'm sure there are other activities you both would enjoy. My wife and I love riding motorcycles and taking the dogs for walks out in the woods. I don't especially care to watch the man-hating channel (Lifetime) with her.

 

[MEM2020]

The post by unbelievable is nonsense.

If he cannot act like a man - which includes the ability to not do things that specifically turn his wife OFF - if he can't show restraint he can jerk off more.

Certain behaviors are turn offs for an ld partner. This is suffocation by hypersexualizing the environment.

Mt4,
Your h sounds like a great guy. He just doesn't understand.

There are a lot of reasons we have not traversed the path of sexual demise. One of them is that I don't do this crap because she hit me hard on it early on.

 

[heavensangel]

I wish we could find some things that we really enjoy together.


I think this has a lot to do with why you're feeling the way you are; however, the activities can't always be what YOU want. You mentioned H has a bike; do you have one as well? Is this something you BOTH could do together? Watching TV - the others have great advice....you both need to be open to watching each others shows together. And doing so, doesn't mean while his show is on you're reading, etc. Spending time together is just that - spending time together. Maybe a weekly date night where every other week you're each responsible for planning the activity?

As far as the sexual innuendo stuff - I think it depends on how the message is delivered. If you're thinking his motivation for saying/doing it is to get sex from you, then I could see why it's turning you off. But he may be thinking he's being loving and paying you compliments. I think you should be honest about how it's making you feel. It may surprise him!

 

[momtwo4]

Certain behaviors are turn offs for an ld partner. This is suffocation by hypersexualizing the environment.

This is pretty much exactly how I feel. I am trying to make him happy sexually, and I enjoy the connection when we are sexually intimate. But I feel smothered when I can't change without him waltzing into the room or when I ask him to look at a small bump on my shoulder and he tells me "it's a not-enough-sex" bump. He's pretty much "on me" like clockwork with the comments/groping 48 hours after our last sexual encounter.

 

[momtwo4]

Would you prefer your husband make those comments about another woman? Ok, he's a horndog, but at least he's a horndog for you and not the woman next door or some woman at work. I'm sure it can be frustrating for you, but imagine the frustration of wives (or husbands) who never get approving looks or sexual gestures from their mate. I would be pretty thrilled to know my wife got horny just from the sight of me....or for any other reason. If you're having that kind of effect on him, you must look pretty amazing and you've gotta feel great about that. Lots of women spend a fortune, diet, work themselves silly at the gym, and still can't get a positive reaction from their husband. Maybe he doesn't want to feed his inner homosexual by watching some tear-jerking chick flick series with you, but I'm sure there are other activities you both would enjoy. My wife and I love riding motorcycles and taking the dogs for walks out in the woods. I don't especially care to watch the man-hating channel (Lifetime) with her.

I'd love it if he gave me a compliment like "you are a beautiful woman." Or "You look so amazing after having four babies. I'm so proud of you for working out like you have." But he doesn't say things like that. Instead, he gropes my butt, or shows me his penis, or makes some sexual innuendo. I wouldn't mind the innuendos or groping occasionally, but it is a turn-off all of the time.

 

[DTO]

I've been feeling frustrated lately. As I've discussed before, I've been struggling with a low-sex drive for numerous reasons. My husband's sex-drive seems higher than ever. I probably only physically crave sex once a month (around when I'm ovulating). At any rate, I try to have sex with my husband around 2 times a week since I know once-a-month is not fair to him.

I guess I'm feeling a little resentful because it seems like even 2 times a week is not enough. After sex, he seems happy for the first day or two. Then he starts making all these sexual comments, gestures, and I can tell that sex is really on his mind again.

The problem is that I don't find all these gestures attractive at all. For instance, he will rush into the room while I'm changing and go "oooh" and raise his eyebrows. When I'm showering, he'll be right there opening the shower door. And he's always trying to show me his erection saying "look what happened." When I'm on the floor doing crunches he'll ask "can you do that in a bikini?" I honestly feel smothered sometimes, and like sex is all that is on his mind. I feel bad because I end up feeling like I just want some SPACE. I feel guilty because I feel like I should be enjoying this attention, but I'm not.

I wish we could find some things that we really enjoy together. I have so much that I love to do, but he has no interest in doing it. I recently finished my first half-marathon. Four kids later, I was tired of feeling frumpy and out-of-shape. So a couple of months ago, I decided enough was enough and I started jogging. It was hard, yeah. It wasn't always fun. But I finished the half in 2:10. It feels great to be back in shape! I've tried to encourage my husband to go and get some exercise, but he's always like "no. I'll just stay here and get fat."

We have no t.v. shows that we watch together. Instead, he usually watches television while I read or work online. Recently I did discover a mini-series that I LOVE. I wanted him to watch it with me. Nope. So I'm now watching it with a group of friends. He seems sad when I go out to watch it with them.

So I'm worried because I sometimes feel like we're drifting further apart, and I don't always find his sexual advances appealing. I would find it so much more of a turn-on if he gave me some space, went out, and did something for himself!

Does anyone have any advice? Am I a total jerk for feeling this way???

A couple of things.

1) Have you tracked how often you have sex? I noted you said that you try to have sex twice a week. Are those efforts successful, or do you find yourself bailing out quite a bit?

2) How is the quality of the sex you do have? Do you do things he likes, or does it tend to be vanilla and uninspired? You said you are into it for the connection and not the physical pleasure, so is it possible you are not enthusiastic enough during the act? As a higher-D guy, I can tell you there is a huge difference between "my wife knocks my socks off twice a week" and "my wife just lays there twice a week".

3) Those things you are suggesting he do (exercise, hang out with his friends) - are those things you feel would make him more attractive to you, or just things that you want him to do for other reasons (give you a break, for instance)? If you feel this will make him genuinely more attractive to you, tell him so. If you are thinking that watching TV or exercising with you will reduce his sexual need (as in he is really seeking closeness and not sex), you'll probably find this is not the case.

4) How much time do you devote to other endeavors? Are the household responsibilities (maintaining the home, child rearing, earning money) evenly allocated? You say he does not do much but hang around the house. Could that mean he's just flat-out at the maximum of what he can do (and he's seeing you taking time to go out and do stuff for yourself)?

First of all, it seems that you are lamenting the gap in your sex drives without diminishing his or otherwise bashing him. That's a healthy attitude to have and essential to resolving this well. Good for you!

You are in a tough spot. And I would say that, yes, you guys are drifting apart. I know that I could not stay connected to someone who was not meeting my sexual need - maybe unpleasant, but reality nonetheless.

He probably feels like he's getting the short end of the stick. I'm guessing that, because you say you're strugging with LD, you were not always this way. But now, it may seem now that you have a nice-sized family you are moving on to other things.

Truth be told, you have done that - to an extent at least. Now, you have better things to do than have sex with him. He might think he's giving everything he has to you and the kids, keeping nothing for himself, while you are doing things on your own rather than improving your drive and meeting his need.

So, the first thing I would recommend is that you take stock of where you are with your life right now. What are your priorities right now? Regaining your sex drive? Preserving your family unit? Raising your kids? Physical fitness and activity? This is not at all intended as a value judgment. It is just food for thought.

Second, with priorities in mind, decide how to act. Know that the best bet at a close bond with your husband is with him being sexually fulfilled. Failing that, he will need to agree that your other objectives are more important than his sex drive. Just keep in mind that, with four children, you probably cannot do it all and will have to give up some things to do others.

Third, communicate with him - honestly and openly. Certainly start by telling him you know he is not fulfilled sexually. Add that the way he goes about seeking sex is counter-productive and turns you off. But, do suggest things (if any) that will improve your drive - don't say it if it won't.

If keeping him happy (per se or for the sake of the family) is your priority, tell him so and reassure him that you will do as much as you possibly can to meet his need (having more sex, having better sex, or whatever else it takes). And then do it.

If, OTOH, his sexual fulfillment is not a priority (as in you cannot be happy while putting in the effort he needs), you need to be honest with this as well. Tell him where you stand with your life. If he is still important to you but you don't know where to start with your sexuality, tell him so and ask for his patience to see if your drive comes back.

If you see the sexual emphasis in your life as over (not zero sex, more like you don't intend to work on improving your drive), tell him so. Note (gently) that he needs to find a way of leading a fulfilling life without as much sex from you as he would like. The goal with this scenario is to strike that balance where you both feel you are getting enough from the other to make the marriage worthwhile.

My best guess is that your husband likes sex a lot and is not likely to change soon. It is not a situation where he is using sex as a proxy for other forms of attention. And, sex twice a week is really just low average - not much at all for an HD person.

That being the case, continued failure to meet his sexual need will lead to further drifting apart. You correctly note some of this taking place already. The innuendos, unappealing as they are, signal he still wants you and wants you to know it. You still have his attention and, if you want it, the time to act is now.

If you two don't get on the same page sexually, he will continue to pull away. At some point, he will lose the sexual attraction (he may stop the innuendos, for instance). Once that goes, your relationship is in real trouble. You will start losing the other things he brings to the relationship as well and it may get to the point where he thinks he's better off alone and looking for someone else.

You might see this as ultimately acceptable, or something you want to avoid at all costs. But, you cannot exist in this state forever - either it will get better or worse (in all likelihood). So, you need to figure out your priorities ASAP as get a plan in motion.

 

[MEM2020]

DTO,
I think your post is thoughtful and constructive. I also am a bit puzzled that a HD male who is sexually frustrated might think it is ok to say 'no honey, go out and run by yourself, I am just going to stay here and get fat.'

He needs to understand that he really is contributing to the situation.

As for his groping, wang waving, etc. It lacks mutuality as he is doing it to her, not with her. Foreplay is done WITH your partner, not to them. She needs to teach and he needs to listen.

 

[DTO]

DTO,
I think your post is thoughtful and constructive. I also am a bit puzzled that a HD male who is sexually frustrated might think it is ok to say 'no honey, go out and run by yourself, I am just going to stay here and get fat.'

Thank you for the positive feedback.

My is that what he says is part of him pulling back. He feels she is not doing much for him so he's not inclined to bust his rear for her, esp. not by validating an activity he sees as competing with him for her time (recall that she's running as a serious hobby, not just for fitness).

It could also be he is maxed out and running is unappealing; there is a question of who is minding the home if the OP is out with friends and training regularly. Or, he sees this as harping by someone who (due to her lack of progress in improving the sex drive) really does not have the standing to do so.

Either way, this "screw you" attitude is entirely understandable (IMO) if you consider that the H may be on the verge of checking out in a big way. That is why I exhorted the OP to figure out her priorities and act accordingly. I feel nothing is more poisonous to this situation than letting him just drift away (unless she doesn't care) and it needs to be addressed now.

 

[momtwo4]

A couple of things.

1) Have you tracked how often you have sex? I noted you said that you try to have sex twice a week. Are those efforts successful, or do you find yourself bailing out quite a bit?

2) How is the quality of the sex you do have? Do you do things he likes, or does it tend to be vanilla and uninspired? You said you are into it for the connection and not the physical pleasure, so is it possible you are not enthusiastic enough during the act? As a higher-D guy, I can tell you there is a huge difference between "my wife knocks my socks off twice a week" and "my wife just lays there twice a week".

3) Those things you are suggesting he do (exercise, hang out with his friends) - are those things you feel would make him more attractive to you, or just things that you want him to do for other reasons (give you a break, for instance)? If you feel this will make him genuinely more attractive to you, tell him so. If you are thinking that watching TV or exercising with you will reduce his sexual need (as in he is really seeking closeness and not sex), you'll probably find this is not the case.

4) How much time do you devote to other endeavors? Are the household responsibilities (maintaining the home, child rearing, earning money) evenly allocated? You say he does not do much but hang around the house. Could that mean he's just flat-out at the maximum of what he can do (and he's seeing you taking time to go out and do stuff for yourself)?

First of all, it seems that you are lamenting the gap in your sex drives without diminishing his or otherwise bashing him. That's a healthy attitude to have and essential to resolving this well. Good for you!

You are in a tough spot. And I would say that, yes, you guys are drifting apart. I know that I could not stay connected to someone who was not meeting my sexual need - maybe unpleasant, but reality nonetheless.

He probably feels like he's getting the short end of the stick. I'm guessing that, because you say you're strugging with LD, you were not always this way. But now, it may seem now that you have a nice-sized family you are moving on to other things.

Truth be told, you have done that - to an extent at least. Now, you have better things to do than have sex with him. He might think he's giving everything he has to you and the kids, keeping nothing for himself, while you are doing things on your own rather than improving your drive and meeting his need.

So, the first thing I would recommend is that you take stock of where you are with your life right now. What are your priorities right now? Regaining your sex drive? Preserving your family unit? Raising your kids? Physical fitness and activity? This is not at all intended as a value judgment. It is just food for thought.

Second, with priorities in mind, decide how to act. Know that the best bet at a close bond with your husband is with him being sexually fulfilled. Failing that, he will need to agree that your other objectives are more important than his sex drive. Just keep in mind that, with four children, you probably cannot do it all and will have to give up some things to do others.

Third, communicate with him - honestly and openly. Certainly start by telling him you know he is not fulfilled sexually. Add that the way he goes about seeking sex is counter-productive and turns you off. But, do suggest things (if any) that will improve your drive - don't say it if it won't.

If keeping him happy (per se or for the sake of the family) is your priority, tell him so and reassure him that you will do as much as you possibly can to meet his need (having more sex, having better sex, or whatever else it takes). And then do it.

If, OTOH, his sexual fulfillment is not a priority (as in you cannot be happy while putting in the effort he needs), you need to be honest with this as well. Tell him where you stand with your life. If he is still important to you but you don't know where to start with your sexuality, tell him so and ask for his patience to see if your drive comes back.

If you see the sexual emphasis in your life as over (not zero sex, more like you don't intend to work on improving your drive), tell him so. Note (gently) that he needs to find a way of leading a fulfilling life without as much sex from you as he would like. The goal with this scenario is to strike that balance where you both feel you are getting enough from the other to make the marriage worthwhile.

My best guess is that your husband likes sex a lot and is not likely to change soon. It is not a situation where he is using sex as a proxy for other forms of attention. And, sex twice a week is really just low average - not much at all for an HD person.

That being the case, continued failure to meet his sexual need will lead to further drifting apart. You correctly note some of this taking place already. The innuendos, unappealing as they are, signal he still wants you and wants you to know it. You still have his attention and, if you want it, the time to act is now.

If you two don't get on the same page sexually, he will continue to pull away. At some point, he will lose the sexual attraction (he may stop the innuendos, for instance). Once that goes, your relationship is in real trouble. You will start losing the other things he brings to the relationship as well and it may get to the point where he thinks he's better off alone and looking for someone else.

You might see this as ultimately acceptable, or something you want to avoid at all costs. But, you cannot exist in this state forever - either it will get better or worse (in all likelihood). So, you need to figure out your priorities ASAP as get a plan in motion.

Thanks for your insightful reply. My goal is for us to have a healthy, happy marriage. For numerous reasons, divorce is not an option for either of us. Religious/moral reasons aside, it would financially ruin us and our children. DH would have to pay child support for four children, and I would have to put them in daycare while I went back to work. I know that BOTH of us would avoid this at any cost. The sad reality is that if we don't fix this problem, we would probably stay together for the kids and live in a miserable marriage. He would feel sexually unwanted/unfulfilled, and I would constantly feel guilty and resentful. I don't want that for either of us (or for our children).

As a side note, I really thought that by having sex 2X a week (which we usually do unless he's sick or I'm on my period) was actually above average. I've chatted a bit with my friends, and did a little research on my own. According to the Kinsey Institute, we're actually ABOVE average at 2X a week. Here's the link: The Kinsey Institute - Sexuality Information Links - FAQ [Related Resources] (Scroll down). According to this website, 47.3% of married couples in their thirties (I'm 32 and he's 34) have sex once a week to a few times a month. Only 26.8% have sex 2-3 times a week. I'm not saying that this makes it "right." Maybe this is why so many marriages are suffering. However, I did think I was being "fair" in compromising on sex 2X a week. I guess I was hoping that he would be happy with this.

As far as the quality of sex, it is not all vanilla. Well, I guess it's vanilla according to some people's standards, but he's really kind've a vanilla guy. LOL Ironically, I'm probably the more sexually adventurous of the two. For instance, he has no desire to try oral sex. I would be willing to try if he really wanted to. At any rate, I often put on lingerie. A few nights ago, I lit candles and we had a romantic time in the bathtub.

I don't think that he would want less sex if he exercised. I DO think that he would feel better about himself if he did exercise. I know I do. If anything, running has improved my sex drive and energy levels. I still have more work to do in that area, but it has not hindered it. He just seems so unfulfilled on so many levels. I want him to "have a life," I guess. I don't find it attractive when he seems so needy and content with doing nothing or feeling sorry for himself.

A part of me feels a little angry and resentful because I feel that I HAVE been working on our sex life. And what has he done in return for me? I don't feel like he's really done anything. Instead, he does things that I don't like, and that make it harder for me to feel sexual toward him. He's a wonderful father and a good man. I know we can make it through this. I've hopped on the wagon of self-improvement (and self-improvement in my mind equals marriage improvement). It's his turn now.

 

[Jeapordy]

He probably isn't very good at telling you how he feels. He thinks that all of the sexual attention towards you is his way of telling you how much he loves you. He doesn't do that with anyone else. So why does he do this with you?
Maybe this is his love language? I'm not saying it is right. You obviously don't like it. But think of the alternatives. He could be making sexual advances towards other women, or he could be masturbating to porn constantly. I presume he isn't doing either of these things because he finds you beautiful and sexy and he wants to save his sexual energy for you. He thinks if he keeps pushing harder, than you will see how much he loves you and you will give in.
If you don't find him sexy, you need to make him see that. Buy MMSL and ask him to read it.