Hello, I'm very new to forums so I'm sorry in advance that this is such a long post! I’m not sure what I’m hoping for really, I just thought a bit of external advice might help me figure things out.
A bit of background to our relationship and why I’ve come here. I've been with my husband for 10 years, married for the last 3. We don't have any children but we have talked about it. Over the years we’ve had ups and downs but my husband is a good man and mostly things are ok. However, in the last year or so I’ve been very seriously thinking about leaving. I don’t feel fulfilled by what we have. I don’t want to make a mistake and hurt him, so I wonder if it’s just in my head and I need to work on myself rather than cause him that pain?
The physical side of our relationship has been a problem since the early days. We need different amounts of affection, I definitely seem to need more than he does. I feel like he pushes me away sometimes, other times I feel like he is tolerating it rather than enjoying the affection I’m showing him. When I have talked to him about this he gives me different reasons why so I don’t know how to change my behaviour to help. Initially he said he felt I was springing it on him, so I started leaving hints ahead of time and trying to be flirty without initiating touch. This didn’t really help and he said that I was making him feel pressured and taking the .
A while ago I bought something nice to wear to surprise him and he just sighed when he saw me. He said it was because he wasn’t ready but it was a surprise, that’s the point! That was a turning point for me and now, I don’t really want to try anymore because I don’t feel confident and it's not fun when you're second-guessing yourself constantly. I am an open communicator, not angry or aggressive but I will make him aware of the feelings I have and I encourage him to do the same, I just don’t see anything really changing for us as a result of talking.
We don’t have many shared hobbies either. We’ve tried over the years but nothing that we pick up together lasts very long. I’ve suggested date nights, and I even put together a little jam jar of ideas but again, this petered out quickly. We don’t have any shared goals for the future. I’m very future-orientated and being with someone who isn’t makes me feel quite sad. We were engaged for 4 years in total and I think that having the wedding somewhere in the future masked the fact that really we aren't working together in life, it feels more like we're going through things next to each other.
I don’t want to be overly negative about him as I know I can be quite intense sometimes and I'm not perfect. He has expressed that he needs a lot of space so my intensity can be a problem. I try and hold back but I feel like we’re drifting apart now and if I’m honest I am also getting bored. I have tried to bring things to the table myself over the years, I'm not expecting him to do all the work but he can be too apathetic. In his eyes, I don’t think there are any problems, which is frustrating for me as I just feel like I’m causing trouble.
When we first met he had a lot of debt and I lent him money which didn't go down well with my Mum and my sister. They didn’t think he was good for me, there is more to it but it’s a big thing to get into. Essentially for the last 4 or 5 years now I have gone home to visit them for my birthday and the holidays alone because there were numerous fallings out. My nephew has actually never met my husband or seen me with him which breaks my heart. I think this has had a huge impact as I feel like I live two separate lives, one with my family and one with him. As I said before, he likes a lot of space so I also try and go out some days alone so he has the house to himself. I know he misses me when I’m gone and I miss him too but I still feel like I might as well be single.
Ultimately, I’m feeling very dissatisfied by our relationship and I’m approaching an age where I want to start having children but I want to feel like I’m with the right person and that we’re going to go through the experience of raising a family together. At the moment, I don’t really feel like we do anything together. I don’t know if it’s fair to keep plodding along when we both might be happier with someone else that’s more on our wave-length.
A bit of background to our relationship and why I’ve come here. I've been with my husband for 10 years, married for the last 3. We don't have any children but we have talked about it. Over the years we’ve had ups and downs but my husband is a good man and mostly things are ok. However, in the last year or so I’ve been very seriously thinking about leaving. I don’t feel fulfilled by what we have. I don’t want to make a mistake and hurt him, so I wonder if it’s just in my head and I need to work on myself rather than cause him that pain?
The physical side of our relationship has been a problem since the early days. We need different amounts of affection, I definitely seem to need more than he does. I feel like he pushes me away sometimes, other times I feel like he is tolerating it rather than enjoying the affection I’m showing him. When I have talked to him about this he gives me different reasons why so I don’t know how to change my behaviour to help. Initially he said he felt I was springing it on him, so I started leaving hints ahead of time and trying to be flirty without initiating touch. This didn’t really help and he said that I was making him feel pressured and taking the .
A while ago I bought something nice to wear to surprise him and he just sighed when he saw me. He said it was because he wasn’t ready but it was a surprise, that’s the point! That was a turning point for me and now, I don’t really want to try anymore because I don’t feel confident and it's not fun when you're second-guessing yourself constantly. I am an open communicator, not angry or aggressive but I will make him aware of the feelings I have and I encourage him to do the same, I just don’t see anything really changing for us as a result of talking.
We don’t have many shared hobbies either. We’ve tried over the years but nothing that we pick up together lasts very long. I’ve suggested date nights, and I even put together a little jam jar of ideas but again, this petered out quickly. We don’t have any shared goals for the future. I’m very future-orientated and being with someone who isn’t makes me feel quite sad. We were engaged for 4 years in total and I think that having the wedding somewhere in the future masked the fact that really we aren't working together in life, it feels more like we're going through things next to each other.
I don’t want to be overly negative about him as I know I can be quite intense sometimes and I'm not perfect. He has expressed that he needs a lot of space so my intensity can be a problem. I try and hold back but I feel like we’re drifting apart now and if I’m honest I am also getting bored. I have tried to bring things to the table myself over the years, I'm not expecting him to do all the work but he can be too apathetic. In his eyes, I don’t think there are any problems, which is frustrating for me as I just feel like I’m causing trouble.
When we first met he had a lot of debt and I lent him money which didn't go down well with my Mum and my sister. They didn’t think he was good for me, there is more to it but it’s a big thing to get into. Essentially for the last 4 or 5 years now I have gone home to visit them for my birthday and the holidays alone because there were numerous fallings out. My nephew has actually never met my husband or seen me with him which breaks my heart. I think this has had a huge impact as I feel like I live two separate lives, one with my family and one with him. As I said before, he likes a lot of space so I also try and go out some days alone so he has the house to himself. I know he misses me when I’m gone and I miss him too but I still feel like I might as well be single.
Ultimately, I’m feeling very dissatisfied by our relationship and I’m approaching an age where I want to start having children but I want to feel like I’m with the right person and that we’re going to go through the experience of raising a family together. At the moment, I don’t really feel like we do anything together. I don’t know if it’s fair to keep plodding along when we both might be happier with someone else that’s more on our wave-length.