Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
So about 6 or 7 years ago I was in a bad place in my life not happy at all and one day I came home and asked my hubby if I could flirt with another guy. OMG right he totally flipped out, I didn't mean anything by it or at least I didn't think I did. Anyways, we worked past it and are still together and pretty much are fine. Every once in a while when he is mad at me he will bring it up for some stupid reason.
Anyways, I have totally gotten over it or so I thought, we are in a good place I think in our relationship. So about a month ago I started working out of the house and started working on my image again. After my 2 year old was born I started working out of the house and never got dressed up, cared about my makeup or how I looked. I got real fat. Reality hit me when I went back to work out of the home and had to buy all new dress clothes cause nothing fit me.
I also had to buy all new makeup and I found out that my hubby didn't like how I was doing my makeup so I changed it for him to try to get it to look like it did on our wedding day cause that's his favorite makeup look on me.
So it seems that the more I start caring about myself and what I look like the more worried and paranoid he is getting that I am not being faithful. In addition apparently the last few nights I have had a couple of dreams, supposing I was talking about the guy from a few years ago, I don't even remember the guys name. But my hubby is bringing it up again.
I'm really frustrated one that my hubby is bringing it up after all these years and two that I am even dreaming about this guy who means nothing to me, so far as I don't even remember his name.
My hubby is telling me that I am in a bad place again, but I think it is him because I am not acting like a slob anymore he suddenly thinks I am cheating???
Any advise how we can get past this issue once and for all so we can get better in our relationship and he appreciates that I want to look good for him not someone else and I am getting dressed up to make myself feel better.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,578 Posts
OP,
Are you familiar with the term "setting precedent"? Everything we do in life has consequences and asking your H if you can flirt with another man carries huge consequences. It planted a seed in your H's mind that has grown over the years but that he has been able to overlook due to the fact that you were "a slob" (your words, not mine) and as such he felt your options to be limited. Now that opportunity once again is available, the tree of doubt looms large. You must realize that that seed is like a persistent weed in that, try as you might, it resists dying and needs very little in the way of water and fertilizer, it can subsist on practically no nourishment. Any little doubt can feed and water it. What you must do is convince your H that what you did all those years ago was a terrible mistake, if indeed it was, which now seems questionable since you are now dreaming about the OM.

You cannot convince your H until you yourself are convinced and absolutely sure that it was a mistake. Are you? If so, then you must keep reiterating to your H why it was so and demonstrating, by your actions, that it was. Words can only accomplish so much and actions speak more loudly. It may never completely go away but it can be starved down to almost insignificant if you are sincere. Good fortune to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,628 Posts
OP, how exactly did you "work past it" 6 or 7 years ago? It sounds like you didn't take it seriously enough and your husband took it extremely seriously. Did you both work through this issue? What did you do to address this "bad place" you were in? How do you know you aren't in that bad place again if you never dealt with it then? What did you do to reassure your husband 6/7 years ago that you were once again safe to be in a relationship with? Did you just dismiss your comment as a silly mistaken thought and then tell him to get over it?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,180 Posts
Why would you come home and ask your husband something like that? What did you expect to accomplish? Did you think he was going to kiss your forehead and say "Sure just hit a random bar and have at it?"

Think about it and ask yourself if he did the same thing to you and asked if he could flirt with other women. You were in a bad place in your life and chances are so was he and then you bring this up so now you see where it got you. Like "No Choice" said. You planted the seed of doubt and it's the type of seed that grows and is hard to kill.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,838 Posts
Do you have any empathy for your husband?

Try to wrap you head around how it would feel to be told what you told him
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,133 Posts
He also needs to wrap his head about how she feels to be constantly under suspicion. Looks like a bit of a habitual grudge to me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,628 Posts
He also needs to wrap his head about how she feels to be constantly under suspicion. Looks like a bit of a habitual grudge to me.
Or rugsweeping where the issue was never properly addressed on either side.
 
  • Like
Reactions: ConanHub

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,044 Posts
apparently you had some dreams about some other guy? you don't remember? this whole story sounds strange.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,689 Posts
You both need some MC or marriage builder books to work through together.

You caused significant damage to your marriage and impacted the trust your husband has for you.

Does he think you cheated?

Did you actually cheat?
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,233 Posts
I think your H should come home and ask you if it is ok for him to flirt with the young sexy assistant at his work place. Would you flip?
Would you bring it up again (if he was changing his appearance, going to the gym, etc) for 'some stupid reason'?

How do you know he actually got passed that comment (if that is all it was)?

You sound immature and clueless and sorry to be blunt but you made your bed on this one.

Go and get some good marriage counselling because if you are going back to work, it will open alot of doors of doubt for your H, you have to help alleviate those fears and doubt.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,036 Posts
So about 6 or 7 years ago I was in a bad place in my life not happy at all and one day I came home and asked my hubby if I could flirt with another guy. OMG right he totally flipped out, I didn't mean anything by it or at least I didn't think I did. Anyways, we worked past it and are still together and pretty much are fine. Every once in a while when he is mad at me he will bring it up for some stupid reason.
Anyways, I have totally gotten over it or so I thought, we are in a good place I think in our relationship. So about a month ago I started working out of the house and started working on my image again. After my 2 year old was born I started working out of the house and never got dressed up, cared about my makeup or how I looked. I got real fat. Reality hit me when I went back to work out of the home and had to buy all new dress clothes cause nothing fit me.
I also had to buy all new makeup and I found out that my hubby didn't like how I was doing my makeup so I changed it for him to try to get it to look like it did on our wedding day cause that's his favorite makeup look on me.
So it seems that the more I start caring about myself and what I look like the more worried and paranoid he is getting that I am not being faithful. In addition apparently the last few nights I have had a couple of dreams, supposing I was talking about the guy from a few years ago, I don't even remember the guys name. But my hubby is bringing it up again.
I'm really frustrated one that my hubby is bringing it up after all these years and two that I am even dreaming about this guy who means nothing to me, so far as I don't even remember his name.
My hubby is telling me that I am in a bad place again, but I think it is him because I am not acting like a slob anymore he suddenly thinks I am cheating???
Any advise how we can get past this issue once and for all so we can get better in our relationship and he appreciates that I want to look good for him not someone else and I am getting dressed up to make myself feel better.

If I ever asked Mrs.CuddleBug is it okay to flirt with another woman, SHE WOULD FLIP!!!

So if women flirt with me, I don't go telling Mrs.CuddleBug.

Like today, I was walking to my car and this attractive women was walking her dog. I walked on by her and said how nice her dog is and gave her dog some attention. She chatted with me, flirted and I proceeded to my car and left. Harmless. Will I tell Mrs.CuddleBug......ummmmmm NO.

Do I fantasize and dream about other women. All the time. Do I go telling Mrs.CuddleBuig? NO.

I'm sure she does the same thing. To me, this doesn't bother me at all, in fact it turns me on and I like the fact she actually desires guys and smiles. She is very conservative, shy and a prude.

Just tell your hubby you like to look good which makes you feel good. I'd say all women are like this and so is Mrs.CuddleBug.

She comes to me asking if this or that looks better and sexier. I love to tell her oh yes:grin2:


When guys relieve themselves using porn because their ladies aren't into sex much, they are fantasizing and relieving themselves watching those ladies. Is that cheating? On some level, sure.....
 
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top