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Discussion Starter #61
No sex between her and her spouse or my husband and her? My husband didn’t sleep in my bed so he and AP would be texting all evening and until late night. Whether he was home or not he’d be texting with her. Her spouse was also often not in bed. A few times she’d text that the bed was full but not often. None between her and her spouse reportedly from her. My husband said they, he and AP, never got physical but I am convinced it’s because she set that boundary. I told after a few weeks because to me if was all consuming not to. I kept feeling like I was keeping a bad secret and I felt so much better when I let it out. I told him tactfully and offered to speak with him if he wanted. On top of profusely apologizing.
The AP and her spouse.

No sex is a common refrain from cheaters as well as “it never got physical.”
Okay, gotcha now! That was my husband’s excuse for cheating. Ummm... he was never home. Spent hours a day in the bar after work and when he was home he was a miserable jerk. Totally not sexually appealing. Put zero effort into our marriage except for wanting to have sex. Sorry but that’s not how it works. I brought this up hundreds of times. Try being around more, try being sober, try taking an interest in your family. Try giving me a break as I was raising our daughters all by myself. It’s common sense really. He had been sober for 18 months, quit on dday. He blames everything on the alcohol, if only it were that simple.
 

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Okay, gotcha now! That was my husband’s excuse for cheating. Ummm... he was never home. Spent hours a day in the bar after work and when he was home he was a miserable jerk. Totally not sexually appealing. Put zero effort into our marriage except for wanting to have sex. Sorry but that’s not how it works. I brought this up hundreds of times. Try being around more, try being sober, try taking an interest in your family. Try giving me a break as I was raising our daughters all by myself. It’s common sense really. He had been sober for 18 months, quit on dday. He blames everything on the alcohol, if only it were that simple.
Nope. While alcohol lowers inhibitions, he chose to stay away and drink. He was sober when they started flirting. He was sober when they started crossing the lines. He was sober when he was treating you like trash. I am glad you knew your worth.
 

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Thank you, girl!!! I need that validation sometimes and I think that’s exactly why I am here. This is a very heavy thing to carry around. Slap that smile on and pretend everything is okay.

He is most definitely a taker and I am a natural giver. He took extreme advantage of that. I am guilty for allowing him to do so, I made excuses for him. He works hard, he worked hard as a teen and didn’t have that experience like most, he was only 19 when we started dating and we moved in together not real long after. I took on all the responsibility of our daughters, everything. I loved it though being a mom and everything that goes with it was my thing. A partner in crime would have been nice though. He showed up to all the important events even if he slept through most of it. I could never trust him to ever do carpooling because of his drinking, I didn’t trust him.

He told me the ow never *****ed at him and was always there for him. For real???!! She should have been taking care of her young kids and husband instead of mine!!! He had to put no effort into it, she offered it up without him even asking. I get it though her marriage was **** too, alcoholic husband. Why she’d want another one was beyond me!

He did try to talk about the problems in our marriage but he didn’t want to see that his drinking and abandonment were the problem. It was me just being a *****!!!! I’ll admit, I was definitely a *****.
There is no reasoning with a man who puts drinking first, do not waste your breathe.The chances are that he is on good behaviour because he knows you might walk. I say it will not last, usual routine to pull you back into the same roller coaster. Thread carefully and get your ducks in a row. Plan your escape.
 

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They’d be chatting and he’d ask her what she was doing and many times the answer was working on stuff for bible school!!!!

I am not a religious person so I was so fooled by their friendship. I thought the Bible school teacher has to be making a positive impact on my husband. I actually encouraged their friendship. 😔 He’d tell me they we’re going to lunch together and it gave me comfort that he was spending time with this wholesome person. They’d talk about gardening, camping trips and other positive activities. I was an absolute fool!!!! She took advantage of my trust as well because she knew I liked her and was completely comfortable with their friendship. I’d always have him ask her stuff for me to get her opinion, baking or PTA stuff. She’d send home recipes for me to try!!! She’d hand write any of her personal adaptations on them with a smiley face!!!!! After I found out I had him take them all and drop them on her desk. I definitely didn’t want them any longer. She would buy stuff for my kids fundraisers and I would do the same for hers. What a total mind**** when I found out. As a woman who definitely supports other women I was completely devastated by the betrayal.

I don’t personally know anyone from her church so I don’t know how I would go about even informing anyone. I do have a friend that has at least one family member that goes there. In the beginning I actually had a letter drafted to send to her church but I just didn’t feel right about sending it. It felt more vengeful than it did informational. I agree as a mom I would not want that person teaching my child at Bible school and I am not even religious!!! From my understanding she is also the treasurer and is a very active member.
You can look up the church website, find out who are the senior pastors and the elders and send each a copy of your letter. YOu might want to visit the church and speak with the senior pastor and his wife first.
 

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Discussion Starter #65
They’d be chatting and he’d ask her what she was doing and many times the answer was working on stuff for bible school!!!!

I am not a religious person so I was so fooled by their friendship. I thought the Bible school teacher has to be making a positive impact on my husband. I actually encouraged their friendship. 😔 He’d tell me they we’re going to lunch together and it gave me comfort that he was spending time with this wholesome person. They’d talk about gardening, camping trips and other positive activities. I was an absolute fool!!!! She took advantage of my trust as well because she knew I liked her and was completely comfortable with their friendship. I’d always have him ask her stuff for me to get her opinion, baking or PTA stuff. She’d send home recipes for me to try!!! She’d hand write any of her personal adaptations on them with a smiley face!!!!! After I found out I had him take them all and drop them on her desk. I definitely didn’t want them any longer. She would buy stuff for my kids fundraisers and I would do the same for hers. What a total mind**** when I found out. As a woman who definitely supports other women I was completely devastated by the betrayal.

I don’t personally know anyone from her church so I don’t know how I would go about even informing anyone. I do have a friend that has at least one family member that goes there. In the beginning I actually had a letter drafted to send to her church but I just didn’t feel right about sending it. It felt more vengeful than it did informational. I agree as a mom I would not want that person teaching my child at Bible school and I am not even religious!!! From my understanding she is also the treasurer and is a very active member.
You can look up the church website, find out who are the senior pastors and the elders and send each a copy of your letter. YOu might want to visit the church and speak with the senior pastor and his wife first.
Yikes, I’d definitely not go there in person! I asked “her” directly how she worked this out in her religious beliefs. Like how are you sending my husband photos of yourself basically naked and asking if he is aroused (her terms were way more vulgar and so was what my husband replied), masturbating and telling him details and then the next day going to teach Bible school?!! She told me she regretted what she did and realized she may go to hell for doing so. I personally, as a not religious person can not understand that. Hell sounds pretty freaking scary and if I believed that I certainly would not be doing anything to go there.
 

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Discussion Starter #66
Thank you, girl!!! I need that validation sometimes and I think that’s exactly why I am here. This is a very heavy thing to carry around. Slap that smile on and pretend everything is okay.

He is most definitely a taker and I am a natural giver. He took extreme advantage of that. I am guilty for allowing him to do so, I made excuses for him. He works hard, he worked hard as a teen and didn’t have that experience like most, he was only 19 when we started dating and we moved in together not real long after. I took on all the responsibility of our daughters, everything. I loved it though being a mom and everything that goes with it was my thing. A partner in crime would have been nice though. He showed up to all the important events even if he slept through most of it. I could never trust him to ever do carpooling because of his drinking, I didn’t trust him.

He told me the ow never *****ed at him and was always there for him. For real???!! She should have been taking care of her young kids and husband instead of mine!!! He had to put no effort into it, she offered it up without him even asking. I get it though her marriage was **** too, alcoholic husband. Why she’d want another one was beyond me!

He did try to talk about the problems in our marriage but he didn’t want to see that his drinking and abandonment were the problem. It was me just being a *****!!!! I’ll admit, I was definitely a *****.
There is no reasoning with a man who puts drinking first, do not waste your breathe.The chances are that he is on good behaviour because he knows you might walk. I say it will not last, usual routine to pull you back into the same roller coaster. Thread carefully and get your ducks in a row. Plan your escape.
He seems much happier not drinking but of course I am super skeptical. We were at his work holiday party and he ate a truffle and then had a panicked moment because he thought it had alcohol in it. When I asked him why it freaked him out he became he knows if he ever drinks again I am out. I went through years of his drinking and I’ll never do it again. I don’t have a solid plan but I’ve definitely been giving it thought. I hate alcohol it’s so destructive!! The worst part is when he told his dad he was an alcoholic and had been sober, at the point only for a few months. His dad basically told him he knew many alcoholics and he definitely was not one of them. Then he’ll ask him “so still not drinking?“. 🙄 Geez, thanks!!! Now I know why I never bothered to reach out to his family for support.
 

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Discussion Starter #67
Okay, gotcha now! That was my husband’s excuse for cheating. Ummm... he was never home. Spent hours a day in the bar after work and when he was home he was a miserable jerk. Totally not sexually appealing. Put zero effort into our marriage except for wanting to have sex. Sorry but that’s not how it works. I brought this up hundreds of times. Try being around more, try being sober, try taking an interest in your family. Try giving me a break as I was raising our daughters all by myself. It’s common sense really. He had been sober for 18 months, quit on dday. He blames everything on the alcohol, if only it were that simple.
Nope. While alcohol lowers inhibitions, he chose to stay away and drink. He was sober when they started flirting. He was sober when they started crossing the lines. He was sober when he was treating you like trash. I am glad you knew your worth.
I pointed all that out to him but of course he still blamed it on the alcohol. Said he was not in the right frame of mind. I don’t accept his bs and won’t be satisfied until he can just own up to his choices. Of course I got the dreaded “it just happened”. Okay!!! I said you were bold enough to carry on this trash in my house while me and your daughters were home but can’t be man enough to just speak the truth?
 

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I don't think you get much support from his family, but as aine has also said you should expose to the church as well. It's the right thing to do. You see those people are setting the standard for the children if she the AP, is not held for and with no consequences its more a moral reasoning than anything. And again it's up to you if you so choose. But l also believe he is abiding his time and may repeat this again.

The friend of your H, the one who told you, what do you think the intentions were, that were revealed to you? Do you want to reconcile then? What if any other than not drinking has your H, shown to earn back your trust and love?
 

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This dude won't change, OP. He isn't remorseful, he isn't taking ownership of his actions (I guess the alcohol somehow ''made him do it.'')

Once you start trusting him again, he'll find a new woman to entertain him at work, or wherever. Because that's usually the cycle of abuse. Yes, it sounds like you're in an emotionally abusive relationship with a cheater.
 

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Discussion Starter #70
This dude won't change, OP. He isn't remorseful, he isn't taking ownership of his actions (I guess the alcohol somehow ''made him do it.'')

Once you start trusting him again, he'll find a new woman to entertain him at work, or wherever. Because that's usually the cycle of abuse. Yes, it sounds like you're in an emotionally abusive relationship with a cheater.
26 damn years, I made excuses for years for his behavior. I try holding him accountable now but the pattern has been set. I feel like a puppet master in our relationship and I am tired.
 

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I don't think you get much support from his family, but as aine has also said you should expose to the church as well. It's the right thing to do. You see those people are setting the standard for the children if she the AP, is not held for and with no consequences its more a moral reasoning than anything. And again it's up to you if you so choose. But l also believe he is abiding his time and may repeat this again.

The friend of your H, the one who told you, what do you think the intentions were, that were revealed to you? Do you want to reconcile then? What if any other than not drinking has your H, shown to earn back your trust and love?
Other than physically being at home, doing some around the house stuff and not drinking he’s not a whole lot. I mean he still works with her 18 later. Go ahead, tell me I am an idiot!! I am painfully aware. To be involved in family life he’s supposed to cook dinner once a month. Since June he’s done it ONE time.
 

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Other than physically being at home, doing some around the house stuff and not drinking he’s not a whole lot. I mean he still works with her 18 later. Go ahead, tell me I am an idiot!! I am painfully aware. To be involved in family life he’s supposed to cook dinner once a month. Since June he’s done it ONE time.
An idiot for trying to make it work and then realizing you are done? Nope, that isn’t idiotic that’s being human. He checked out, you gave him a chance and he ruined it. No shame in realizing you are done.
 

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So you can say you have accepted this to a point and if you have made a choice to stay then it is what it is. But mostly to get it all out in the open gives the betrayed spouse the best shot at full recovery as much as possible. But your H is just rugsweeping this and with hope it will just be forgotten. And so far, his desires are going as planned.
 

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Discussion Starter #74
So you can say you have accepted this to a point and if you have made a choice to stay then it is what it is. But mostly to get it all out in the open gives the betrayed spouse the best shot at full recovery as much as possible. But your H is just rugsweeping this and with hope it will just be forgotten. And so far, his desires are going as planned.
He knows it’s not forgotten because I bring it up by asking if “she’s” at work. If they had any encounters. To the best of my knowledge they don’t interact. As long as he continues to work with her I will continue to ask. I have lost so much respect for him as a man, he just looks weak and pathetic to me. There were times during his alcoholic days that I could see the man I thought he was. He has no integrity whatsoever and it’s very unattractive. My focus is on raising my daughters. We really don’t need him for anything other than a provider they 100% rely on me. I’ve accepted it and honestly it’s his loss because I am actually a pretty decent human being.
 

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He knows it’s not forgotten because I bring it up by asking if “she’s” at work. If they had any encounters. To the best of my knowledge they don’t interact. As long as he continues to work with her I will continue to ask. I have lost so much respect for him as a man, he just looks weak and pathetic to me. There were times during his alcoholic days that I could see the man I thought he was. He has no integrity whatsoever and it’s very unattractive. My focus is on raising my daughters. We really don’t need him for anything other than a provider they 100% rely on me. I’ve accepted it and honestly it’s his loss because I am actually a pretty decent human being.
He did not have "alcoholic days." He is, at best, a recovering alcoholic. He will never be a former alcoholic. If he has done this on his own (stopped drinking) without a support group, yes, I can see where you kind of miss something in him. His addiction represents a void that must be filled by something else. I do not at all want to defend this man, but when he stopped drinking, he may actually have become more in need of your help than before. What you are seeing is a person with an emptiness that begs for being filled. You may not be capable of filling that emptiness for him, even though it might help bring back the man you thought he was. Of course, I could be totally misreading what you wrote, and the man you thought he was was a bad thing, not a good thing?
 

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26 damn years, I made excuses for years for his behavior. I try holding him accountable now but the pattern has been set. I feel like a puppet master in our relationship and I am tired.
My grandmother used to say ''the teacher will keep appearing, until you learn the lesson.'' For 26 years, you haven't realized your worth, but hopefully now...you do, and that ''teacher'' will not need to keep coming around. :)
 

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Discussion Starter #77
26 damn years, I made excuses for years for his behavior. I try holding him accountable now but the pattern has been set. I feel like a puppet master in our relationship and I am tired.
My grandmother used to say ''the teacher will keep appearing, until you learn the lesson.'' For 26 years, you haven't realized your worth, but hopefully now...you do, and that ''teacher'' will not need to keep coming around. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" >:)</a>
Let me just say, I’ve gotten more insight here than I did in the many hours of therapy not to mention thousands of dollars!!! If only my grandmother was alive, she’d told me to tell him to f**k right off! I definitely know my worth. I am a kind, caring nurturing person. I was just hoping one day he’d see my worth. He did not have a positive role model as a father. We’ve been discussing that in depth lately.
 

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Discussion Starter #78
He knows it’s not forgotten because I bring it up by asking if “she’s” at work. If they had any encounters. To the best of my knowledge they don’t interact. As long as he continues to work with her I will continue to ask. I have lost so much respect for him as a man, he just looks weak and pathetic to me. There were times during his alcoholic days that I could see the man I thought he was. He has no integrity whatsoever and it’s very unattractive. My focus is on raising my daughters. We really don’t need him for anything other than a provider they 100% rely on me. I’ve accepted it and honestly it’s his loss because I am actually a pretty decent human being.
He did not have "alcoholic days." He is, at best, a recovering alcoholic. He will never be a former alcoholic. If he has done this on his own (stopped drinking) without a support group, yes, I can see where you kind of miss something in him. His addiction represents a void that must be filled by something else. I do not at all want to defend this man, but when he stopped drinking, he may actually have become more in need of your help than before. What you are seeing is a person with an emptiness that begs for being filled. You may not be capable of filling that emptiness for him, even though it might help bring back the man you thought he was. Of course, I could be totally misreading what you wrote, and the man you thought he was was a bad thing, not a good thing?
He did quit drinking on his own. The exact moment I confronted him about the affair. He is a very empty person, it’s actually sad to see. I have spent the last 18 months almost acting like I was the one who had the affair. I didn’t want him to relapse so I was as loving and nurturing as possible. That’s my nature anyway so it wasn’t hard. It was not reciprocated and he just took and took but rarely returned the same kind of kindness. He always told me thank you for the things I was doing but it was hurtful. I could ramble forever but yes, I could see at times the person I thought I feel in love with. I don’t know if that person actually ever existed though, I may have conjured him up in my mind because that’s what I wanted. I don’t think I can help him, I am not sure he wants to be helped.
 

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He seems much happier not drinking but of course I am super skeptical. We were at his work holiday party and he ate a truffle and then had a panicked moment because he thought it had alcohol in it. When I asked him why it freaked him out he became he knows if he ever drinks again I am out. I went through years of his drinking and I’ll never do it again. I don’t have a solid plan but I’ve definitely been giving it thought. I hate alcohol it’s so destructive!! The worst part is when he told his dad he was an alcoholic and had been sober, at the point only for a few months. His dad basically told him he knew many alcoholics and he definitely was not one of them. Then he’ll ask him “so still not drinking?“. 🙄 Geez, thanks!!! Now I know why I never bothered to reach out to his family for support.
Most people think that an alcoholic could only be a down and out bum sleeping on the sidewalk.
Look up high functioning alcoholic. There are many of them, but unless they get clean, it is a matter of time.
 
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