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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
Hello All! So about 18 months ago I discovered my husband was having a very steamy emotional/sexting relationship with his female coworker of six years. My guess is the inappropriate part of their relationship was about two years long. FYI, he continues to work with her although they no longer communicate. At least, that’s what I am told.

My husband liked to drink and spent the majority of his free time in bars. When he was home he was either working outside or playing games on his phone. I was busy raising our daughters which he took little interest in unless he wanted to hand out punishment for something that pissed him off. I tried to express these issues but it was never well received. Anyway, he and the coworker worked on many projects together and had lots of things in common outside of work as well.

I was never the jealous type because my husband was an ass in some aspects but cheating was something he’d never do!🙄 I actually felt comfortable with their friendship that spilled outside of work hours via texting about their common hobbies because I was confident she was a good influence. Very involved PTA mom like myself, devoted to her kids, treasurer, Bible school teacher and very active member at her church.

We’d buy from each other’s Kids fundraising and she’d share things with me via my husband to help me out. Like recipes, great places to buy my spring flowers and things she was doing with her PTA that mine might want to try. Zero cause for suspension there, right? Turns out she was confiding in my husband how hers wasn’t interested in having sex with her and was basically an alcoholic jerk. My husband confided in her about our woes as well.

One thing lead to another and bam she was sending him semi nude photos, lots of sexting and mutual masturbation. When I discovered it there were talks of her masturbating in the back seat of his car while my husband drove her to lunch so she could relax because she was just such a busy woman. They also had several alone lunch dates, I was aware of those too. They were coworkers, I had no issues with that at all, they’re professionals and lots of times their boss went along too. Boss is also a female and her and the AP are friends. The boss unknowingly and unintentionally fostered their relationship. Husband quit drinking on day of discovery and goes out very little now. Doesn’t do a whole lot to rebuild our marriage, he still works with her even though it’s brought up daily how I absolutely do not approve of it.

It’s over so I shouldn’t have an issue with it, that was backed up by our marriage counselor. We don’t go to her anymore. He is very casually “looking for another job”. He has been with his company for 18 years and has it pretty good there. Ugh, this was not how it was supposed to be. Basically, I am stuck, I refuse to disrupt my daughters because my husband is a selfish jerk. I go along for the most part with a few blowouts here and there out of frustration for his lack of empathy and remorse for what he choose to do. Anyway here I am to vent so I can release all of this. I mostly keep it inside, very few people know, to project our family image.
 

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Basically, I am stuck, I refuse to disrupt my daughters because my husband is a selfish jerk. I go along for the most part with a few blowouts here and there out of frustration for his lack of empathy and remorse for what he choose to do. Anyway here I am to vent so I can release all of this. I mostly keep it inside, very few people know, to project our family image.
You are not stuck, @Manic_mama. You are choosing to stay. The question is, why are you choosing to stay?

You say that you don't want to disrupt your daughter's, but is this really better for them? Is THIS the type of marriage that you want your daughter's to see, and eventually have? Children are better off being from a broken home, than living in one. Trust me, they pick up on far more than you think they do.

You say that you want to protect your family image, but that has already been shattered. No amount of lying and pretending will change that. All of the couple's that you think have perfect, happy lives, I guarantee you they do not. Why is the "family image" more important than your happiness? You need to stop caring about what other people think and start caring about yourself.

It is highly unlikely that your husband will ever change or find a new job. Why would he? You've let it go on for 18 months already. So is this really what you want?

Do you want to wake up in 5, 10, 15, 20 years and realize that you just wasted your life on a man who doesn't want you and doesn't respect you? You will never get those years back.

I am sorry that you are here @Manic_mama, truly. You have the choice to end this though. You need to realize that you've wasted enough time on this man, don't waste anymore.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
he still works with her even though it’s brought up daily how I absolutely do not approve of it. It’s over so I shouldn’t have an issue with it, that was backed up by our marriage counselor. We don’t go to her anymore.
Also, that marriage counselor was an idiot. Sadly, too many are.
Geez!! I couldn’t figure out how to reply!!!😂
That’s just a small slice of the terrible guidance our marriage counselor handed us. Spent thousands on her but I was under the impression she knew what she was doing. She basically gave my husband a green light for what he did but then would look at me and say “I am not saying what he did was the right choice but your marriage was in trouble. What did you expect?” Ummm.... for my husband to stop drinking, stop spending hundreds of dollars a week in bars and take part in the life of his family!!! She also told me he felt like an outsider because the girls and I just went and did our thing. He needed companionship so he sought out the other woman. She asked if I was really all that surprised. Well, yes, actually I was!!! Was I supposed to drag myself and our daughters to the bar to see him?

You’re right, I am choosing to be “stuck”. My daughters are old enough that they know the deal, minus the infidelity. My oldest daughter would never speak to him again. Is it sad? Absolutely!!! I was raised by a single mom and it sucked! My mom had to work her ass to provide for us and rarely got to see her. My time with my daughters is everything to me!!! If I need to I’ll reevaluate in time. I will never ever enter another relationship. I’d rather be single and know I’ll never experience that betrayal again. If my husband does it again it definitely won’t be a shocker like it was the first time. Well, the first time during marriage. And I’ve wasted lots of time, we’ve been together for 26 years. It’s all I know. I’ve made peace with that.

In response to the family image, that’s for my daughters too. I don’t want that mess for them to deal with. Otherwise, I’d have no problem exposing the Bible school teacher and my husband. Also the other woman’s children. Although, I did tell her husband.
 

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I think this is a really terrible situation and I can guarantee that most of us on here are probably going to put ourselves in your shoes (just based on what we know) and tell you to hit the road. And I realize that it's hard to do when you have spent that amount of time on someone and have kids to think about.
My problem with your story is that I have a hard time watching anyone settle and I feel like that's what you are doing at this point. Based on what you have said, besides your husband actually making the effort to go to marriage counseling, is he actually trying? Was he even sorry? I feel like he felt justified in doing what he did and just received confirmation of his justifications by that crappy councilor. I just put myself in a situation like that and I feel like you won't be able to move passed it. Like you are settling with this nasty issue that was never really resolved and you think you'll just accept it and keep the family appearance. But I can almost promise you it's going to eat you up inside and you'll be living with someone you can't trust.
I've done this myself and I just couldn't let go of it.
 

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It WILL happen again because he isnt remorseful and isnt making the effort to fix what he screwed up. Only next time it may be full blown physical. (not sure I buy that THIS one wasnt!) Will you stay and allow that as well? Think of the example you are setting for your girls.. would you want them to stay with a man like this?? What will they think of you once the truth comes out? That you stuck around after learning the truth of what their father did to you and that you used them as your excuse to do so?
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I think this is a really terrible situation and I can guarantee that most of us on here are probably going to put ourselves in your shoes (just based on what we know) and tell you to hit the road. And I realize that it's hard to do when you have spent that amount of time on someone and have kids to think about.
My problem with your story is that I have a hard time watching anyone settle and I feel like that's what you are doing at this point. Based on what you have said, besides your husband actually making the effort to go to marriage counseling, is he actually trying? Was he even sorry? I feel like he felt justified in doing what he did and just received confirmation of his justifications by that crappy councilor. I just put myself in a situation like that and I feel like you won't be able to move passed it. Like you are settling with this nasty issue that was never really resolved and you think you'll just accept it and keep the family appearance. But I can almost promise you it's going to eat you up inside and you'll be living with someone you can't trust.
I've done this myself and I just couldn't let go of it.
I 100% know I am settling, 100%!!! Do I think he’s sorry, nope! I think he’s sorry he got caught because he got sloppy and too comfortable with my trust. You’re right, I won’t get past it. I am loyal as can be!! I was in the same ****ty marriage, due to his drinking and lack of interest in actually being a husband and father, but I never even considered cheating for a second.

We do not live near any family so the brunt of raising our girls was 100% on me. It would have been nice to have a break every now and then. He’d FaceTime my daughter to help her with math from the bar!!!! Although, being a mom has been the greatest honor of my life even if it was difficult at times. I felt so bad he was missing it but he just didn’t care. When he was around he was usually pissed off and annoyed by everything the girls did. So it was probably for the best he wasn’t here much anyway.😒
It is most definitely a terrible situation but for now I am not going anywhere. Will I regret it? More than likely but I’ve already wasted most of my life with him.
Although I don’t necessarily think he is a narcissist he was raised by two narcissistic parents. I should have run for my life!!!!
 

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It WILL happen again because he isnt remorseful and isnt making the effort to fix what he screwed up. Only next time it may be full blown physical. (not sure I buy that THIS one wasnt!) Will you stay and allow that as well? Think of the example you are setting for your girls.. would you want them to stay with a man like this?? What will they think of you once the truth comes out? That you stuck around after learning the truth of what their father did to you and that you used them as your excuse to do so?
I do worry about that and the fact that I allowed him to disrespect me by continually to work with her. They no longer work on projects together but they sit 50 ft from each other!!! He says they don’t talk but I don’t know. I do believe it didn’t get physical but only because she wouldn’t allow it. If she’d initiated it I am sure he wouldn’t have said no. She was the one that suggested they mutually masturbate via text to see who could finish faster. She called it racing. He tried to get her to FaceTime but she wouldn’t do it.
My daughter has four years until she graduates I am content to stay definitely until then.
 

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In response to the family image, that’s for my daughters too. I don’t want that mess for them to deal with. Otherwise, I’d have no problem exposing the Bible school teacher and my husband. Also the other woman’s children. Although, I did tell her husband.
How did that go (talking with her husband)?

Also, what has intimacy with your husband been like, historically? Prior, during and now? Was he looking for something that he wasn't getting at home? If so, had this been addressed previously via counseling or conversation even?

(Added later- This wasn't meant to blame OP. It was just to try and get her husband's view of things. Rule out stuff that always comes up in these threads. Find out if there had been some issues previously.)
 

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How did that go (talking with her husband)?

Also, what has intimacy with your husband been like, historically? Prior, during and now? Was he looking for something that he wasn't getting at home? If so, had this been addressed previously via counseling or conversation even?
SERIOUSLY, Cas??!
 

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I really do understand. When I was young I was married to a complete jerk. Actually kind of sounds just like your husband and I guess this is why your post struck a nerve with me, LOL. I see you over there, quietly planning your get away when the time is right. Different circumstances but I get it, I've had to do the same. He absolutely is only sorry that he got caught and I can tell you that the chances that more happened that you don't know about are high. But what you do know and his actions from this are enough.The only thing I do have to say is that I hope your relationship doesn't effect your girls in the long run. I, too feel like you should leave but you have decided to stay and that is your right to do so. However, they might know more than you think, and please don't take offense to what I'm saying but it's very important to show our girls how to be treated as women and what a healthy relationship really is.
 

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In response to the family image, that’s for my daughters too. I don’t want that mess for them to deal with. Otherwise, I’d have no problem exposing the Bible school teacher and my husband. Also the other woman’s children. Although, I did tell her husband.
How did that go (talking with her husband)?

I sent him a letter with copies of the texts between her and I. I didn’t send the ones between my husband and her to spare him. I gave him a very watered down version and just apologized.

Sex was here and there as we had two young children and he was never home. When he was he was either drunk or sleeping or both!!!!

When we first reconciled it was great, I was so hopeful. He’s slipping back into his old ways minus the drinking. I am no longer interested in parenting him. He needs to take some initiative and figure **** out. He’d do counseling but currently he’s working 69 plus hours a week. You know, at the place she’s also employed. She works a reduced schedule so she’s not always there.

We were never in counseling prior to the affair although we most definitely needed it!!!

Also, what has intimacy with your husband been like, historically? Prior, during and now? Was he looking for something that he wasn't getting at home? If so, had this been addressed previously via counseling or conversation even?
 

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I really do understand. When I was young I was married to a complete jerk. Actually kind of sounds just like your husband and I guess this is why your post struck a nerve with me, LOL. I see you over there, quietly planning your get away when the time is right. Different circumstances but I get it, I've had to do the same. He absolutely is only sorry that he got caught and I can tell you that the chances that more happened that you don't know about are high. But what you do know and his actions from this are enough.The only thing I do have to say is that I hope your relationship doesn't effect your girls in the long run. I, too feel like you should leave but you have decided to stay and that is your right to do so. However, they might know more than you think, and please don't take offense to what I'm saying but it's very important to show our girls how to be treated as women and what a healthy relationship really is.
I hear you and no offense taken what so ever!!! I know what’s what!! I know he’s not sorry for doing it it was fun, he’s sorry he got caught. He also destroyed his camaraderie at his work because his team can no longer work in a group setting for team building or outings. He did tell his supervisor and asked not to work directly with her anymore. He has been there for 18 years. Screwed his self out of any promotions due to the fact he’d be her supervisor. He messed up so many things.

My mom left a cheater (my father) with three trash bags of belongings and busted her ass her whole life! It was rough at times and we struggled financially. My mom has fought two bouts of cancer and a heat attack with open heart surgery and still works at 73 because she has too!!! My dad was a serial cheater. She’s my hero!!

I do fear my daughters will be disappointed in me. Hell, I am disappointed I didn’t go beat her ass!! I’ve encountered her multiple times since d day but I’ve chosen not to verbally confront her. Via text I told her my true feelings. She’s trash and not worth me stooping to her level. I did tell one friend that is in her PTA so I am sure they all know. Gives me a bit of satisfaction. 😂

I’d love to inform someone at her church but that might be a bit too far!!
 

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I hear you and no offense taken what so ever!!! I know what’s what!! I know he’s not sorry for doing it it was fun, he’s sorry he got caught. He also destroyed his camaraderie at his work because his team can no longer work in a group setting for team building or outings. He did tell his supervisor and asked not to work directly with her anymore. He has been there for 18 years. Screwed his self out of any promotions due to the fact he’d be her supervisor. He messed up so many things.

My mom left a cheater (my father) with three trash bags of belongings and busted her ass her whole life! It was rough at times and we struggled financially. My mom has fought two bouts of cancer and a heat attack with open heart surgery and still works at 73 because she has too!!! My dad was a serial cheater. She’s my hero!!

I do fear my daughters will be disappointed in me. Hell, I am disappointed I didn’t go beat her ass!! I’ve encountered her multiple times since d day but I’ve chosen not to verbally confront her. Via text I told her my true feelings. She’s trash and not worth me stooping to her level. I did tell one friend that is in her PTA so I am sure they all know. Gives me a bit of satisfaction. 😂

I’d love to inform someone at her church but that might be a bit too far!!
I do read into this a small degree of hope. First, he stopped drinking. That's a pretty big thing. Does he have help with this/does he attend AA meetings? Second, his request to not work directly with his former EA partner is actually pretty significant too. As you said, it screwed him out of promotions. It's not nearly as solid as leaving for another place of work entirely, but it's not complete rug sweeping either.

It sounds like you've never had counseling, but realize you should have. It is not too late to try. It may be too late for success, but you won't know if you don't try. You're already thinking you'll be in this "prison" for another 4 years or so? Getting IC and MC going soon won't preclude that option. The hope is that it might bring clarity to your choice, with the slight possibility of reconciliation.
 
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