[Tinaweir]

Hi, I am quite confused at the moment and thought it will help to write things down and get some perspective on it, if at all possible.
I have been married 5 years and my husband was very charming, happy guy. I'm not sure at what point I saw the other side of him but it happened. He has a very explosive temper and I'm sure I didn't see this before we married. Everyone thinks he is really great guy, always happy and funny But for the past 3 years or so he has blown up a lot at me. He has called me [email protected]£$ a lot in the past, accused me of 'being very clever or very stupid' during arguments, is just generally in my face in rage and being a big guy this is very scary. He has not hit me but 2 years ago threatend to. For a while back it happened a lot in the car and my best plan was just to keep quiet until he calmed down. Sometimes I would cry and he would taunt me for that. Then he calms down as quickly as he explodes. I am confused because it actually calmed down a bit although it went on in a milder form and he can be quite hard on me. In saying that, his mum and nan were over on a visit as he is from a foreign country and strangely he was very rude to them and blew up at his 80 year old nan on two occasions. I was in denial for a long time but although there has been a bit more calm it has all caught up on me and this is why i am taking it seriously now. I am having anxiety attacks and don't want to tread on eggshells anymore. Ihave told him about my attacks but not the reason why they are happening. His first reaction was to shout and he said " well im not going to be an actor, I am not going to support you for something I don't believe in' He said he was a very good husband and is seeing all his dreams go one by one. Then he calmed down and he was supportive and then on a day I knew I needed to say I needed a quiet day while we were on a short break he only managed to to do for half a day (despite sending me a text before that he loves me and we can have a quiet day) then he got really agitated angry it was not fair on him etc etc. I ended up having to calm him down. Afterwards, he said he would try not to be so hard on me. He has had depression for sure and the only thing I cannot support anymore is the personal attacks. My health is suffering and this really scares me. He is in his home country on a visit just now and he thinks nothing is wrong. He wants to go ahead with IVF now but I'm thinking of divorce. I need the courage to tell him but I dread the shouting and defensiveness. I am sorry this was so long but I am waking up to the situation and just very confused as it has been a better year than last so why do I feel like this.

 

[Jamison]

Sounds like a mental disorder. BPD comes to mind. Has he ever been evaluated or diagnosed with anything?

Bottom line you will need to decide what you can and can not tolerate. Regardless of what he may or may not have, no one deserves to be treated like that.

 

[Tinaweir]

Yeah, thanks for your reply. I think his brother has BPD and his dad is a bit of a bully and other family members have some mental health issues. It's hard to tell if its temper or something else and I know I need to confront things, although I'm waking up to it I feel so bad to tell him the effect it is having on me. Ugh, what a mess ...

 

[Jamison]

You do need to let him know the effect its having on you. Even if you tell him, doesn't mean it will change anything but he still needs to know. I also think its good to put some boundaries and consequences into place as well for his behavior.

If he will not go to a doctor, my suggestion to you, is for you to seek out a therapist tell them what you have told us here so they can better help you understand what may or may not be going on with him.

 

[Tinaweir]

I'm going back to the docs in a week and this time he won't be with me so I can talk more freely. I know you are right that I have to tell him. I know I am coward but I think it will be easier while he is in his own country with some distance between us. Ihave gone to therapy twice trying to figure things out.

 

[indiecat]

You need to insist that he see a doctor and go for assessment if the marriage is to have a hope. These outbursts are totally wrong and will make you a very sick lady if you continue to live like this.

Love does not conquer all, he needs help and he can't do it without professional help. His family history proves this.

If he won't seek help then you need to be making a plan to leave, not bring kids into this.

Depression comes out in men differently than women, in men it comes out as irritability and temper. Explain this to him and see if it hits home with him. Some very famous and illustrious men have suffered from depression, it is nothing to be ashamed of for him.

 

[Amyd]

Hi, I am quite confused at the moment and thought it will help to write things down and get some perspective on it, if at all possible.
I have been married 5 years and my husband was very charming, happy guy. I'm not sure at what point I saw the other side of him but it happened. He has a very explosive temper and I'm sure I didn't see this before we married. Everyone thinks he is really great guy, always happy and funny But for the past 3 years or so he has blown up a lot at me. He has called me [email protected]£$ a lot in the past, accused me of 'being very clever or very stupid' during arguments, is just generally in my face in rage and being a big guy this is very scary. He has not hit me but 2 years ago threatend to. For a while back it happened a lot in the car and my best plan was just to keep quiet until he calmed down. Sometimes I would cry and he would taunt me for that. Then he calms down as quickly as he explodes. I am confused because it actually calmed down a bit although it went on in a milder form and he can be quite hard on me. In saying that, his mum and nan were over on a visit as he is from a foreign country and strangely he was very rude to them and blew up at his 80 year old nan on two occasions. I was in denial for a long time but although there has been a bit more calm it has all caught up on me and this is why i am taking it seriously now. I am having anxiety attacks and don't want to tread on eggshells anymore. Ihave told him about my attacks but not the reason why they are happening. His first reaction was to shout and he said " well im not going to be an actor, I am not going to support you for something I don't believe in' He said he was a very good husband and is seeing all his dreams go one by one. Then he calmed down and he was supportive and then on a day I knew I needed to say I needed a quiet day while we were on a short break he only managed to to do for half a day (despite sending me a text before that he loves me and we can have a quiet day) then he got really agitated angry it was not fair on him etc etc. I ended up having to calm him down. Afterwards, he said he would try not to be so hard on me. He has had depression for sure and the only thing I cannot support anymore is the personal attacks. My health is suffering and this really scares me. He is in his home country on a visit just now and he thinks nothing is wrong. He wants to go ahead with IVF now but I'm thinking of divorce. I need the courage to tell him but I dread the shouting and defensiveness. I am sorry this was so long but I am waking up to the situation and just very confused as it has been a better year than last so why do I feel like this.

I'm sorry you have to experience this type of abuse. My husband has a very bad temper too and it often puts me into a deep depression.

 

[Jellybeans]

Tina, I could have written your post myself as you described my exH to a tee.

You are in an abusive relationship.

Most abusers are VERY charming in the beginning of a relationship.

The anxiety and walking on eggshells will get worse for you as long as this dynamic continues.

Put your foot down and tell him to check himself. That you are not going to tolerate being bullied, yelled at, called names, his explosive temper. Tell him how it makes you feel when he does this.

Suggest marriage counseling.

DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT get pregnant. No IVF until this is settled (if it's settled).

Abuse generally gets worse over time. So either he is willing to STOP the crap behavior or he isn't. If he isn't, then you need to decide whether you want to stay in a relationship that makes you feel like you're having anxiety/panic attacks and like you're tip-toeing around in order not to piss him off.

Has he always been rude to his mother?

Does he blame all his exes for their break up?



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[Tinaweir]

Thank you for all your helpful replies. I don't think he was always rude to his mum and he totally exploded at me just before they came off the plane in the airport (??). His mum however is completely dominated by his father so she just says she is here to help everyone and thats all. He didn't have any long term relationships before me and we met when he was 24. I do know that he has been utterly spoiled by his dad though. When we met, his dad offered to buy him everything and anything as long as he went home to his home country earlier. His dad has faked heart attacks, tried to block me out and will not cut financial the ties at all with my husband. Yet he has never once visited us in four years of living here. Keeps saying he will but never does.

Sorry, another rant but what I couldnt say a couple of years ago is all clearly coming out now! I have told him in the past that it is not acceptable but I know I need to do it again. Having the anxiety attacks was a huge wake up call......

This site is helping me keep my ground but I am sorry to hear of others going through the same thing

 

[Jellybeans]

So...his dad is a d!ck to his mother and "dominates" her and his dad also spoils him/and in his eyes your husband can do not wrong.

It makes perfect sense--your husband's behavior. He is essentially playing the role of his father with you playing his mother. He doesn't see anything he does as wrong because his whole life he's been told he's so awesome and amazing.

Don't feel bad for "ranting." We are here to listen to you. Venting does help.

Having regular anxiety attacks is NOT the way to live. I have been in your situation before. I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind. There were days I did not want to go home from work at all because I didn't know of Happy or Mad Husband was going to be waiting for me. It's no way to live.

You need to talk to your husband about this STAT.



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[Tinaweir]

Hi, I sat down tonight to speak with him, over skype as he is abroad and just took the example of me having to calm him down on the day he agreed to give me some time. Anyway, he just looked a bit upset and shrugged like I'm meant to take it. He just doesn't listen but he was in hyper mood. Maybe the best way is to wait until I get the next lecture/temper tantrum and nip in the bud then.

You are right about the anxiety attacks and luckily that was the tipping point for me. How did others get out or get through this?

 

[Jellybeans]

In my situation, I left. It never got better and I decided I didn't want to live like that anymore.

For others, the couple can work it out but ONLY if the person doing the crap behavior actually STOPS doing it and realizes that they are wrong/acknowledges it/makes a plan to correct it. If that doesn't happen though, you can expect more of the same and have to decide whether you want to stay in it or not.



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