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Discussion Starter #1
Wow.... Been a rough couple days since I found out. Hope this will help. Here it goes:

Wife and I dated for 5 years. Generally a very good time, little trouble with jealousy on both parts of friends of the opposite gender but no cheating. Were married (1999) and continued to have a good relationship. Those who knew us said we had a perfect relationship, etc... Of course the trouble started when we decided to try to conceive (2003). We tried, and tried, and tried, nothing happened. We saw our doctors and did the initial tests which showed everything was fine, no reason why we couldn't. Of course during this time all of our friends were getting pregnant, having babies, and our mental health (especially my wife's) plunged. She withdrew, become despondent, said she ruined my life, that she was an utter failure. I tried to reassure her I didn't blame her and wanted to help her or help her get help. She withdrew more. Partying became a staple in both of our lives to escape. Her to escape her feelings of guilt and uselessness, me to escape the despair of seeing your wife spiral out of control and not being able to stop her. During this time she started spending more and more time with a mutual friend. At first, of course, I thought it was fine. I would rather her be with someone I knew as a friend when she was out and about so they could keep an eye on her, I trusted both of them. As time went on (at least a year, so 2005) I realized I couldn't do it anymore. They were together all the time, other people were accusing them of having an affair, asking me how I can stand it, etc... I confronted both of them on numerous occasions to fess up if anything was going on but of course they both denied. After a year to year and a half the wife made a breakthrough, wanted to work things out, was tired of running away from problems, etc... Of course I welcomed her with wide arms. I wanted my wife back! We went to counseling for a couple sessions but neither of us were good at it, didn't want to think we had problems that big, whatever.... I basically swallowed everything up, took her word for it that it never was sexual, just emotional (which in many ways is worse) and I basically gave her a get out of jail free card.

So, we gradually start putting things together. We decide to stop worrying about conceiving and become foster parents. We were very lucky that we were able to adopt our first two placements (2007-2008) and in 2009 she gave birth, a home birth nonetheless, to our daughter. Wow! Awesome..... I thought. Just this past weekend (2012!!!!!! after 7 years!) a friend who knew of the whole truth tells me my wife had a physical affair with our so-called friend. Knock-out. I'm blasted. Utterly devastated. I had worked so hard to get over this, never really did (and I'll take some blame for not forcing a reconciliation the first time) but now I have to go through all of this again. And she does too! She doesn't want to rehash this time of her history. I know she was depressed about the infertility (seen many couple break because of it) I know she is genuinely remorseful, she is disgusted with herself, etc...

So now I am grappling with being extremely angry and extremely sympathetic with her. I want to scream and yell, to punish her, to make her hurt but I want to pick her up and make all of her pain go away as well. I love her, I believe her when she says she loves me. We are going to try to work this out, we know we should have a long time ago, but this time we want to do it right.

It has only been a couple days and we are both still in shock. In October we will celebrate (hopefully) our 13th anniversary. We have three awesome kids ages 3,4 and 5. A house in the country, horses, dogs, cats, chickens, a rabbit. Good friends, good family. And a load of **** to work through.

I really don't know why I joined this board but just typing this out seems to help. Now if I can push the post button...
 

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This is rough but in the end, she is still to blame.

Don't say it was only depression as you had a rough time too during that period and you didn't cheat. She kept that secret for so long from you. She will say it was not to hurt you but that is wrong. It hurts so much more now after you've come this far.

It was manipulation. Who knows what would have happened if she admitted it before, but at least you would have had a choice to not let it come this far to 3 kids. I would say she used you for all these years with no guilt.

It is up to you to see if you can live with that.
 

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She isn't in shock, because she knew all along that's she cheated.

So for her this old news and a crime which she feels she got away with. Hence why she doesnt want to talk about it honestly.

For you, it just happened. It is now a new fact that you deserve to finally have both the truth and the emotional support you need to deal with knowing your wife chose to betray you.

What about the OM? Has she kept him in your lives? If so then that shows a deep lack of either respect or care for your feelings. Keeping him around would be humiliating to you.
 

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OK you cannot let her get away with not talking about it. That is called rugsweeping and nothing will get resolved.

Does this POS have a girlfriend or a wife? Is he still involved in your life?

Let me ask a question that will hurt. Is the baby yours? You have to find out. Her swearing to you does not cut it. She has lied to you all these years, decieved you.

She also has to answer all of your questions with honesty and not bs or trickle truth
 

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Sad news. Never let another man spend time alone with your wife just to keep her company. That's your job.
What made this other friend decide tell you about the affair now? And why didn't they tell you as soon as they found out back then?

I know she was depressed about the infertility (seen many couple break because of it) I know she is genuinely remorseful, she is disgusted with herself, etc...
Don't make excuses for your cheating wife. When does being depressed mean having sex with other men??? She spent the whole year being "depressed" and having sex with your "friend". I doubt they even used protection. She is only disgusted because she got caught.

You were depressed but did you cheat? She cheated because she wanted to. Be sure to remember that and also make sure she owns up to it.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Clarifications: she is talking about it, the third child is mine, other friend found out one year ago when my wife's lover spilled his guts on a drunk
 

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You are far more sympathetic towards her than I would be. The fact it happened and is now in the past makes no difference to YOU. To her it does because she's had years to come to terms with it.

She needs IC to figure out why she did what she did. Once she's done that, you both need MC to work on repairing your relationship. You should also seek some IC or at least start dong a bunch of reading on how to heal from the trauma of infidelity. You cannot do so unless SHE does a whole whack of stuff she isn't going to want to do.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Agreed I am too sympathetic. She does claim full responsibility and does not deny any of it.
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YOU NEED TO DIVORCE HER AND LEAVE!

Listen to me. You get 1 life (there may exist an after life) but 1 life for sure on earth here. You can either stay and remain depressed, hurt and unhappy and realize you are living with a liar who lied to you for YEARS! and destroyed your marriage and did everything that many religions on earth say is the worst thing to do that merits an individual to "hell"... Or you can LEAVE tough it up, be alone for a time being but overcome the hurt and MEET someone NEW, who is truly deserving of you.


I do not understand how anyone could wish to stay with someone who hurt them so badly. You are stronger than this, you might state "your heart loves her" but in reality its your mind telling you that you need her. The truth is the human mind is very powerful and you can overcome this and live a better life. She wants you now and is afraid you might leave, ITS BEST YOU DO LEAVE! Than you will be free of the narcissistic liar.



I wish you best of luck.


I hope you can find happiness but realize its unlikely if you stay. Trust me man
 

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I am sorry you are here. Only you can decide what is correct for you. You need to look objectively at the situation, though. There is the affair and there is the deception that has gone on for so very long. Here are my thoughts

1) As the affair at least appears to be over, don't make any hasty decisions. You will be going through a rollercoaster of emotions
2) Your wife must do the heavy lifting. Absent consequences, your marriage is doomed anyway. Don't forgive and forget. (you can't really anyway)
3) Absolute transparency is a must. Cell phone, email, key logger, and even consider a VAR just to assure yourself that nothing further is going on.
4) You need to read Not Just Friends, by Shirely Glass.
5) She needs individual counseling to sort out her boundary problems. Please understand. She is a selfish broken person. She needs significant work before you can move on
6) Marriage counseling when the time is right. Wait a little as your emotions are raw at this point and real work can't begin. Be careful on who you choose. If they haven't read Not Just Friends and don't know who Dr. Shirley Glass is, RUN!
7) Many may disagree, but I would favor exposing the affair to family and those friends who didn't know already. Doing so enlists them in the protection of the marriage from future infidelities.
8) Start working on you. You need to exercise., work on your self image. Read the man up threads and understand that no one and no situation is to blame for this except your wife. STOP MAKING EXCUSES.
9) Be prepared to divorce (and she needs to know that you are capable of living quite well without her)

Finally, although I hate to bring this up, How do you know the kid is yours? I mean really know? And don't give me the "it looks like me" thing.
 

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There are several of us who have worked through infidelity and come out actually better with our partner afterwards. You don't need to DIVORCE HER automatically.

But do NOT just stay for the kids. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER. You and she will both end up miserable, and your kids will suffer. Kids are not better off when parents stay together except in exceptional circumstances and with exceptional parents. Both parents. And anyone who cheats is NOT an exceptional person.
 

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She is not shocked, she is just caught. Of course she would not want to discuss about it.
Mmm, well... she could be in shock.

Knowing you cheated and really knowing you cheated are two different things.

Also, it could be a shock seeing how broken and hurt your BS is.

Well, they'd expect their BS to be upset, but to see a normally strong person crumble, shake, scream and so upset they can't eat? The result of their actions might cause shock.

Also just being found out can do that, too.
 

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Here is an idea: Give her all the onus.

Outline everything, how you came to her with your suspicions, how she lied and downplayed them. How you tried to help her with her depression etc.

Then ask her how exactly she was going to prove to you that this could not happen again. SHE needs to make the list. She needs to educate herself on how to fix this. She needs to figure out whom she is going to tell. (Make sure you suggest this little gem so she can't ignore it)

Then you pull out the DNA self test kit and hand it to her so SHE can swab your child's mouth. Yes, I know you know KNOW KNOW it's yours. That isn't the point of the exercise. She will say something like "But I ended that relationship X years ago!"

The proper response is "What is your word worth to me right now? And even if that's true, that's just him."

This is to let her know exactly how little trust you have in her right now and exactly how hard it's going to be to reclaim it. This is to immunize against some trickle truth.
 

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wow, that is a tough one. I would bail out if I was you. I stayed with my cheating Ex for 8 years and I thought about what she did daily. It literally ate away at me.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Some tough responses! I found out Friday and confronted her Sunday. Obviously I'm on a roller coaster. I told her that she has to regain my trust, win me back, and prepare tomoffer some compensation and that i don't have answers how she can do that. We are still in the same house raising our three kids. I haven't taken off work and have been able to maintain there but may need to get away...
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