[Sara8]

Hi all:

On this board and at the in-person support group I attended a few times, I heard horrific stories of double betrayals.

These are situations where the two cheaters are family friends of the respective betrayed spouses and during the affair continue to socialize together.

What do you all think this says about these particular cheaters.

The OW in my situation, was a serial cheater and one of her affairs involved her husband's best friend.

He and his wife were good friends with the OW and her husband and vice versa.

I really think this makes this OW lower than pond scum. And her affair partner, the best friend of OW's husband the same.

To sit at Christmas dinner and in restaurants playing footsie while smiling at their respective clueless betrayed spouses is really scary to me.

The fact that my STBEH knew about this OW's double betrayal affair and didn't run, also scares me.

How could someone betray both a best friend and a spouse.

Are these types always narcissists, sociopaths or psychopaths?

What do you all think about cheaters who double betray best buds and spouses?

 

[Count of Monte Cristo]

Sara, it shouldn't come as a surprise that cheaters have no problem doubly betraying their spouses and friends. I think the majority of cheaters are capable of doing so and the only reason that they didn't is because the right opportunity did not present itself. Cheaters are selfish people and they could not care less about who they hurt and the collateral damage that they inflict on friends and family.

 

[NextTimeAround]

It makes good fodder in smarmy women's magazines.

 

[Hope1964]

Cheating sucks, period. No matter who does it with whom. I am certainly not going to say that any certain demographic are "always narcissists, sociopaths or psychopaths?" I don't like blanket statements labeling anyone, even cheaters.

 

[Acabado]

As most affairs are not set up I have no doubt double betrayals are way more prevalent we can think. Sure enough in the past it was the norm (little chances to travel easily, women not full in the work force, no internet...).
I don't think it requires an special level of ****ed-up-ness beyond the obvious.
Closeness makes possible the boundarie crossing. As a side effect it makes very easy to to hide it at plain sight.

 

[the guy]

IDK what it says about these two poeple, cuz I just can't imagine what my old lady and my good friend were thinking.

The POS friend prayed on my vanurable wife, lots of drinking to wash the guilt away, two broken poeple..............

God have mercy on there souls!

I can almost take the strange/ONS, I can almost take the short affairs, but the DBL betrayal will eat at me for the rest of my life. There is just no explaination!!!!!!!!

 

[Acabado]

I want to apologize to those who suffered double betrayals. It was an insensitive post.

 

[Lmodel]

My wife cheated with her best friends husband in a two year PA. I was friends with the husband but there was something I never trusted about him, I should have acted on my instincts earlier. My wife and I have been married for 17 years and I could not even begin to comprehend the lengths she went to to protect and prolong her affair, including comforting her friend when she suspected her husband was having an affair!!! She could not have imagined the carnage this affair has caused, friendships destroyed, families wrecked, trust destroyed. If only people could see what happens post "outing" of an affair.

 

[girlfromipanema]

I experienced a double betrayal and I don't think it was an insensitive post...

I can understand how feelings develop between friends. I don't understand how the affair participants can make the decision to cross the line, but many are just very weak minded.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[the guy]

I could not even begin to comprehend.

Thats the word I was looking for. Its been almost 3 yrs since d-day and I still can't comprehend the DBL betrayal.

If you guys don't know I was an abusive husband and had a very unhealthy marriage for years, so the ONS and the STA I can deal with, but the DBL betrayal is tough.

 

[Sara8]

Hi all:

Thanks for the responses.

IMO, I think it is accurate that anyone who cheats is the type who would double betray.

I think it's just part of the cheaters selfish self absorbed personality traits to just go after what they want without any regard for friends family or the feelings of anyone but themselves.

Thank you for reminding me of that.

 

[Jellybeans]

It says the participants did a sh!tty thing.

This sounds like a rhetorical question.



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[Jellybeans]

IMO, I think it is accurate that anyone who cheats is the type who would double betray.

Totally disagree. Blanket statement.



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[Jellybeans]

Cheating sucks, period. No matter who does it with whom. I am certainly not going to say that any certain demographic are "always narcissists, sociopaths or psychopaths?" I don't like blanket statements labeling anyone, even cheaters.

Ha. I was just going to post something similar then read your statement.

Unfortunately a lot of people do have black and white thinking though. It's obvious from their posts. They are the one-size-fits-all posters. (i.e. I certainly would never tell you that reconciling wasn't in your marriages' best interest just cause I didn't reconcile in mine). Everyone's story is different. Know what I mean?



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[Sara8]

Totally disagree. Blanket statement.

Do you know what IMO, means?

Adding IMO, takes a statement out of the realm of a blanket statement.

Still, deception is deception and all cheaters are extremely deceptive.

Anyone who is capable of so easily deceiving a loved one has serous issues.

Do you agree? Or do you say deceiving a loved one is normal behavior?

 

[Sara8]

Ha. I was just going to post something similar then read your statement.

Unfortunately a lot of people do have black and white thinking though. It's obvious from their posts. They are the one-size-fits-all posters. (i.e. I certainly would never tell you that reconciling wasn't in your marriages' best interest just cause I didn't reconcile in mine). Everyone's story is different. Know what I mean?

I agree. We can't tell someone their reconciliation will fail.

What we can say is that statistically successful reconciliations are rare.

A marriage may fail ten years after an affair, but the root cause is often the affair.

It is very difficult to trust after a betrayal.

And, trust is the bedrock of a healthy marriage or any relationship.

Because people stay married doesn't prove it is a good marriage.

Many stay for financial reasons or self esteem issues or kids.

 

[Jellybeans]

IMO means "In my opinion."



Do you know what a difference of opinion is?



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[Sara8]

IMO means "In my opinion."



Do you know what a difference of opinion is?

Obviously but your comment about my statement preceded by IMO, suggest you do not.

Sorry if you misspoke, or I misinterpreted. Or perhaps a bit of both.

 

[Hope1964]

Prefacing an all or nothing statement with IMO doesn't change the fact it's still an all or nothing statement. "anyone who cheats is the type who would double betray. " is a blanket statement, no matter what was typed before or after it.

And calling all cheaters narcissists and psychopaths is certainly not accurate.

Sara, a lot of your posts rub me the wrong way because you lump all cheaters together as complete and utter *******s. Period. Then later, you'll say something along the lines of "there may be a very few cheaters who are truly remorseful". But most times, that sentiment is lost in your initial post. We all know how hurt you were. We get that, we've been there. But when you make these blanket assertions, those of us who have truly remorseful spouses, or who ARE a truly remorseful spouse, get upset because you're basically saying we're living a lie. Especially from a psychological perspective. Don't take this the wrong way, but when you start using psychology on my husband, I just want to put you on my ignore list.

You have a lot of good stuff to say. It would just be nice if you could tone down the assertions that ALL cheaters are the scum of the earth.

 

[Jellybeans]

Prefacing an all or nothing statement with IMO doesn't change the fact it's still an all or nothing statement. "anyone who cheats is the type who would double betray. " is a blanket statement, no matter what was typed before or after it.

And calling all cheaters narcissists and psychopaths is certainly not accurate.

Sara, a lot of your posts rub me the wrong way because you lump all cheaters together as complete and utter *******s. Period. Then later, you'll say something along the lines of "there may be a very few cheaters who are truly remorseful". But most times, that sentiment is lost in your initial post. We all know how hurt you were. We get that, we've been there. But when you make these blanket assertions, those of us who have truly remorseful spouses, or who ARE a truly remorseful spouse, get upset because you're basically saying we're living a lie. Especially from a psychological perspective. Don't take this the wrong way, but when you start using psychology on my husband, I just want to put you on my ignore list.

You have a lot of good stuff to say. It would just be nice if you could tone down the assertions that ALL cheaters are the scum of the earth.

:smthumbup:

What Hope said! :iagree:

Great post.

Also, to add, reconciliation DOES work for some couples. To paint all couples by the same brush does no one good, especially on a Marriage forum!



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