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344 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok,I'm just going to tell the whole story.

Met my wife when we were 25 and married 2 months after.
We have been married for 15 years and have 2 rockin boys (7&14)
And a daughter from a previous relationship (hers).

7 years into our marriage, we bought our first home.
That is when I found a suspicious text message.
Don't really remember it well but it boils down to her and some guy from Another state (we live in Hawaii) were flirting it up.
I forgave her and we moved on.
Around year 8, she starts withdrawing from the marriage.
Says she wants to hang out with her friends. Like every weekend for the entire weekend and twice on weekdays kind of hanging out. Not together either.
I stay home with kids most weekends because, well because I have kids and a job. I mean, nothing wrong with a night out but hotel stays every weekend with your friends?
Not counting the weekdays she would go out also.
Sometimes I would hang out with my friends to avoid staying home and spinning in front of the kids.
After 2 or 3 months I am informed that she wants to be single.
I was crushed. I was bedridden for 2 days and missed some days at work because of it.
I must mention that at this point our youngest son was not yet born.
I move into my mothers house where I begin receiving therapy only a mom can provide.
I lose a ton of weight and start to socialize again, seeing the kids 3 times a week.
During this time we are still keeping in contact as I insisted the kids call me every night to say goodnight.
It wasnt always honored but for the most part, I have no complaints.
I ask her about a open marriage ( I was willing to try anything to get back together).
She tells me: "what if I meet someone who is all that?"
Boy did that sting...
But that wasn't even the doozy.
She then tells me she did something illegal and would be facing prison time.
We end up getting back together and having another child while she awaits her court date.
She is sentenced to 1 & 1/2 years.
The family was crushed.
The kids live with their grandmother during this time because of work schedule and school.
The youngest is 3 months(give or take) when she goes to prison.
I visit every chance I get and take the kids every weekend.
I also had an affair during that time.
I missed my wife, missed sex and without her around, I was able to process what I went through.
I know it is an excuse and I did wrong but it is the truth.
When she gets out, I tell her about the affair and that I don't want to get back together.
We stop talking and go to mediation for custody.
I agree that she can have custody (she lived with her mom)
I would get every other weekend plus whenever I wanted them basically.
We continue talking and end up back together.
Kids are happy and I am happy as well.
Well she goes in again for a violation and serves 4 months but it is only on the weekends.
She gets out and starts a job at a fast food chain as those are one of the few jobs a felon can get.
Recently, she has been showing no intimacy and we have sex maybe once a month or every other month.
She says she works 14 hour days sometimes (I'm questioning that)
And has been acting very suspicious with her text messages. Her phone is always on silent.
One day she asks if she can go out with her friends.
Now I don't mind the girls night out as she has been doing maybe once a month but this one was different.
I am upset because I had made plans before that for the family to pick up the Christmas tree and to make a gingerbread house.
Alas, I tell her to go ahead in a sarcastic way hoping she will see that she should stay home. She says she knows I am angry and we stop talking about it. I get home and she is all dressed up.
I tell her I don't want to be married to someone who would choose a night out w friends over what we had planned.
I leave it at that and take youngest to go get a tree and decorations.
When I come home she is gone.
We have a big fight and make up afterwards.
Since then I have noticed signs that she is withdrawing and with hindsight being 20/20, I realize there were signs well before that.
The suspicous way she acts with her texts. The random text that said "hey" and who she insists she doesn't recognize.
The fact that some money was withdrawn from my credit card and when confronted she said it was for my Christmas present, yet come Christmas, no present for me!
I think she is having an affair.
The fact that I never get invited to any of the outings even when it was for her birthday.
I hurt for awhile and there still are moments where it is hard to breathe.
I have decided though that our marriage is over and it is only a matter of time before I find solid evidence or her heart belongs to someone else. And even though I hurt, I kind of want it to be over as opposed to living another 15 years like this.
So I have devised a plan I suppose.
On her days off I will let her go out and do whatever she wants.
Usually bars or whatever and she will come home around 430am before I have To go to work.
On my days off I am going to do things to better myself.
I am taking a guitar class and will finish my degree.
I will get the skills needed for a better job since I cannot use her income once we are divorced.
I will spend time having fun with my two boys (the girl is 19 now and living on her own).
I will also emotionally remove myself from this marriage as she has done. I mean, she still fakes it but that's only because she needs a place to stay right now.( we live in a house my family owns).
How do I know she is faking it? After 15 years, I know.
I have wasted so much energy making sure she walks the straight and Narrow when she doesn't even care. Making sure she kept her job so she wouldn't go back to prison. All that energy could have been used on me and my kids.
I still hurt though and know I will for awhile.
But I also know that I am done.
I just don't know how the kids will take it and if I am being to deceitful.
I just figured, if she is going to do her thing, I am tired of fighting her over it and figure I may as well use this crappy situation to help me and the kids out.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

2,733 Posts
Not sure why you think you need any evidence at this point

Affair or not (and it is an affair) she's shown you where you rank in importance

Be sure to get tested for STDs in case she did bring you home a Christmas "present" after all
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66 Posts
I hate to say it but it definitely sounds like she has found someone else and has moved on.

There is a lot of different components to what has happened in your relationship and I would highly suggest IC if you have not already done so.

I think it is great that you are focusing on yourself and you need to continue to do that and do things that will make you happy.

344 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks for the reply guys.
Yes, I should get am std check.
And I will definitely do what makes me happy. And no worries about finding tactful ways to call it an affair. I like my medicine straight up in one dose. So thanks for the honesty however horrific it may seem.
I am getting better actually and even though she is being nice, I really don't want to invest anymore in this marriage.
I see so much that I can accomplish with me and my 2 boys. I just don't know gow to tell her what I know without her denying it and causing a huge fight in front of them.
Posted via Mobile Device

2,733 Posts
Why confront? You and she both know the truth at this point

File. Move on and be happy while you still can.

Cheaters often keep their spouses around as a "Plan B" type of thing. Also, if you're the main breadwinner, you're the ATM for her.

NEVER be someone's "Plan B"

Premium Member
2,845 Posts
I agree with the "Why confront?"

Just tell her you are done with the marriage. You don't have to give her a reason other than you don't feel it anymore. Sex once every couple of months, her choosing her friends over family, etc are all things she can't deny and are valid reasons why you are done.

7,159 Posts
Has her history with the law had anything to do with the company she tends to keep? If so ,you might not want those type of friends around your children.
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