Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 47 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I need a place to write down my thoughts and feelings, so I am starting this Journal thread. I have posted my story on one thread back in March and then a few weeks ago I started another thread. But I feel scattered all over the place so I'm trying to make this thread my home base.

I left TAM when things got too painful (summer of death, see below). I return to TAM an older, humbler person.

So now I just need a place to vent. I don't think I'm even ready for advice. I just need to be heard. I miss my STBXH so badly. I really miss him listening to me. He hasn't listened to me for many many years now so the loneliness is really strong.

It is hard to reduce my life to bullet-points, but here it is:

39 yrs old female
Married: 16.5 years at age 22
I was diagnosed with clinical depression the 1st year we were married.
No children - he didn't want kids if I was on meds and then he was too scared that if I was sick all of the responsibility would fall on him
Have been on meds and therapy for 15 years
Nov 2006 I almost died from a freak illness. It took me 3 years to recover completely
Started marriage counseling: Dec 2009
I thought we were there to talk about starting a family (finally). He handed me a letter describing his unhappiness and how he didn't know if we could build a future together (I love you but I don't know if I can be married to you)
Stopped having sex: Nov 2010
Told me he wasn't sexually attracted to me: Feb 2011 (I love you but I'm not in love with you in "that way")
Summer 2011: celebrated his parent's 50th anniversary on a 2 week family trip
I asked him to move out: Sep 2011
He moved to an apartment that he was sub-leting: Dec 28 2011
Told me he doesn't ever see us reconciling as a couple: May 2012 (I care about you and would hate to lose your friendship, but you don't fulfill my needs)
Stopped Marriage Counseling
June 2012: He moved to a permanent apartment. I gave him half the furniture from the house
My mother died (age 73): June 2012
My brother died (age 46): July 2012
STBXH aunt dies: August 2012
He helped me bury my mother and my brother which was incredibly painful and de-railed my 180 big time. He really stepped up to the plate during that terrible summer and I will always owe him for that.
Sept 2012: He came Labor Day weekend and packed up 30 boxes which are still sitting in my living room
Nov 2012: I realized he's not ever coming back to me and asked to meet with the mediator
[Editor's Note, 2/14/2013:
Dec 2012: He finally moved out all the boxes and marrital furniture to a storage unit
Jan 2012: We each had a consultation with a lawyer
Feb 2012: He set up an appt to meet with the mediator to start talking about what the lawyers told us and outlining how to divide the finances]

I realized that even though I was trying to do the 180 all year to different degrees and had been really not contacting him since September, inside my heart I was still relying on him emotionally. After Hurricane Sandy at the beginning of Nov, when he wasn't there for me I realized that I need to stop. I am done trying and caring and worrying. There is no more "us". I need to take care of myself. Interacting with him hurts me so much so I have to stop.

Throughout it all he says he respects me and cares about my well-being and wants to be my friend. I care about him so much but I know that if I'm ever going to get over him I need to not see him at all and really do the 180 fully - not as a game to get him back. Because I really need to take care of myself -- he is taking care of himself and he is not taking care of me emotionally. So who will if I don't?

I need to heal from this year of hell. I gave notice at my job in September to give them time to find someone. Yesterday was my last day. I feel like I need a month to sleep it off.

But I know that when I wake up, I'll still be in so much pain. Its not going to "all go away". This is my new life. I am alone. I lost 3 people that I love this year. I don't understand my purpose in life.

This is it. I have to figure it out or die trying.


Man is born alone and dies alone


I walk a lonely road
Its the only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone


Wow, I really don't want to do this. No wonder I'm panicking.

--dontpanic
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
I am in so much pain. The loss in my heart is like a gaping hole.

I can't believe that everything I say about how I feel sounds like so trite and cliche. I feel like I never knew what words meant before. The word pain is so inadequate.

Slept a lot today. Am going out to do a few errands. I feel awful, but I'm going out anyway.

My future seems so bleak.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
858 Posts
Throughout it all he says he respects me and cares about my well-being and wants to be my friend. I care about him so much but I know that if I'm ever going to get over him I need to not see him at all and really do the 180 fully - not as a game to get him back. Because I really need to take care of myself -- he is taking care of himself and he is not taking care of me emotionally. So who will if I don't?

I feel like I need a month to sleep it off.

But I know that when I wake up, I'll still be in so much pain. Its not going to "all go away". This is my new life. I am alone..
Couldn't have said it better. These parts quoted are exactly how I feel. Though its a 'Her', not a 'Him' for me. :p

I can't overemphasize how painful loss like this is. Both in death and love. Though in some ways loss of love is tougher because the person who said they loved you had a choice to leave.

Most of the people here are going through similar, yet intimately different, journeys through this same deep dark valley we were cast down into when our hearts were broken. All of us are hoping for a sudden light to shine through this darkened maze of cold lifeless rock that lines this valley. Waiting for a light to illuminate our way out of this damned and unholy place, so we can emerge on top of the valley's hilltop, where the sun radiates love and once again we can smile that we made it out the other side and can continue on with our lives.

One thing is certain. No one has every lingered in the valley forever and everyone finds a way out eventually. In that there is hope.

Poetic license aside, My hand is outreached, as is many of the others here, to help you on your way and lift you up the best we can. Sincerely my heart goes out to you & everyone on these forums who has suffered even a fraction of the pain I feel for the loss of the one I loved. It breaks my heart everyday to read yet another story of suffering I did not know. I wish I could wave a magic wand and whisp away all the pain and suffering and bring smiles and joy to everyone's faces.

As to your Poem. You are not alone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,183 Posts
Nowhere - interesting that you said how the loss of love is tougher than death. I had the same thoughts and even told the STBXW that it would have been easier if she had died so I and the kids wouldn't have to try to understand and explain her decision. Plus the hope of reconciliation would be obviously gone and I would have been still blissfully ignorant of her true feelings.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Nowhere & soca70 - thank you for responding

Nowhere - Thank you for your words of comfort. I keep re-reading them because they make me feel less alone.

soca70 - The loss of my mother was natural. She was older and ill. It is very painful, but I get it -- everyone buries their parents. The death of my brother came 3 weeks after my mother and was out of left field. No illness, no warning, just hit me over the head. I don't know if D is worse than death. But at least my mom & my brother didn't leave me on purpose.

Death is unexpected and unwanted and uncontrollable. It is an act of G-d - no one Chose for it to happen.

But my STBXH chose to leave our home and marriage and rejects my love. I just can't understand why he doesn't cherish what we have - it can all be taken away in an instant by circumstances beyond our control. Why wouldn't he rather be together in a family than alone?

Yet he is choosing D. He is choosing to be alone. I obviously don't understand him anymore - I don't know who he is or what he wants if he would rather live life without me than with me.

Am I really that bad? Living with me and accepting my love is that bad? Why would I want to be with someone who feels that way?

I am still suffering so much grief and bereavement I don't feel motivated to do anything anymore. I feel like whatever effort I could possibly make will all end up in dust.

I take my meds and see my therapist but I don't see an end in sight.

It helps me to know that when I feel so alone and so hurt that there are others that have gone down this path before me and have made it out alive. Thats why I come to TAM. I have to believe in something.

I feel like I will never be happy again. I have coped with depression my whole life. But this feeling is different. I am paralyzed with fear of doing anything because I think that it can - and will - all be snatched away. That nothing good can ever come of anything.

I loved my husband with all my heart. I did everything that I know to save our marriage. We spent so much time and money on therapists and marriage counselors. But I will never be good enough for him. I don't fulfill his needs. I don't make him happy.

I don't know what it all means. I loved him - why wasn't that enough?

I want to want to do things again. I don't want to just wallow in pain. But I really feel like I've fallen and I can't be bothered to get up.

"No one ever promised that life was fair. Too bad, so sad. Buck up, keep on truckin'. Keep on putting one foot in front of another..."

What if I don't see the point? What if I don't feel like bothering anymore? What if I don't believe there is anything but pain in life. Why should I bother trying, only to be shot down again and again?

Will I ever be a success at anything? Will I ever be happy? I wish that I could fastforward to the end of this sad movie.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Wisdom from Modern Family (Ep4:3):

Jay:
I've always seen life like a series of doors. Sometimes you get to choose the door that you go through. Sometimes, you don't get that choice. But you still gotta walk through it. So you can either go kicking and screaming or walk through with your head held high.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
I spoke to my STBXH tonight regarding finances and he was very normal and supportive. He said that I shouldn't worry about how we will pay for his apartment and still keep up the mortgage for the house. We have always been comfortable financially but he sounded so calm, saying there would be alimony and a settlement. In the past he would've been anxious about the $, but he must really want to be alone to bite this financial bullet.

Then I brought up going to the MC to get closure bec he obviously wants to file for D in the next few months. I still don't really know why its over. I think he thinks the grass is greener but he says (and I believe) that he hasn't had an EA/PA. I think he thinks that I don't have what he needs. I don't really know what that means. I know he thinks that he has "fallen out of love" with me, but I don't think that I know what that means either. I think he decided that he doesn't want to be married, but if he re-marries in a few years, I'll know that that's a lie that I told myself to comfort myself.

I hate that this is happening to my life and I don't really understand why it is happening at all. There are really no "bad guys" in my story so I really don't get it. Why do we have to get divorced?

He says he has to discuss the MC/closure thing with his IC because he needs to "do what's best for him emotionally". I think this means he doesn't want to share how he feels because he thinks its gonna hurt. No joke - what have I been feeling for the past 3 years?

Why is my STBXH so scared to feel? I just want him to be honest with me and himself. He says he doesn't hate me, I don't disgust him, he respects me, he thinks I'm strong, he wants to be my friend, he cares about me but is not in love with me.

If he said he was angry or disappointed or blamed me or thought I was toxic, then at least I would get it - there would be a reason.

Isn't it logical that it is much simpler, cheaper, kinder to work really hard on this marriage that we invested 16 yrs in? Getting a D and finding someone new will just mean that you put in all that effort in marriage #2. Why would he think that's a good idea? Why doesn't he see all that we have going for us?

Will I ever know why......?!? Does he even know? In 5 years from now will he regret it?

I guess I'm really having trouble accepting this. I can't believe he wants a divorce. I love him so much.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
858 Posts
You are going through a lot of the things we all go through. I was told the ' I love you, but I'm not in love with you'. It really doesn't make much sense when you think about it. I've asked myself all the same questions you have.

I'm sorry you are going through this. There are many reasons that men/women fall out of love. I'd suggest finding some books to read. In my experience through reading some books I've been able to piece together what went wrong in my marriage and what I should have done. Of course its all hindsight as my wife appears to have no desire to contact me, miss me or work at our marriage. However I'm glad I've read all these things because it helps me make some sense of it all and hopefully will prepare me if I ever get into another relationship. Though it really doesn't dull the pain and loss much.

Most of the books I've read I heard about here, but are meant for men. Hopefully some women will come in here and suggest some books that might help make more sense of what you and your man are going through and why.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Thank you NoWhere. It does help me to be on TAM and hear that I am not the only one who has felt this way and been through this.

I have also gotten some good recommendations of books from TAM. The one that seems to describe my H best is "Listening to Midlife: Turning your Crisis into a Quest" by Mark Gerzon.

Please let me know of any that you thought were helpful.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
858 Posts
I believe Co-Dependent no more is one often recommended here. I haven't read it yet myself. I was hoping Conrad would step in here. He's pretty good at this stuff.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
Co-Dependent No More is sitting on my nightstand for the past 5 months

;-)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
I also thought about going to a CoDA (Co-dependents Anonymous) support group meeting. I've gotta make that a New Year's resolution
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
858 Posts
Then read it and send me the cliff notes :p

I looked and there are no support groups in my area. Guess I'm on my own.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,705 Posts
It has nothing to do with Conrad really.

You're able to deal with reality.

So he gives it to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
Don'tpanic,

Are you in therapy?
Conrad,
Short answer: Yes
Is it helping me anymore? I'm not sure

Long answer:
Tried therapy briefly in college
Been married since June 1996
Diagnoses with clinical depression Jan 1997
(tried difft meds, but it took until late 1999 to get me stable on meds)
Started cognitive-behavioral therapy June 1997-July 1998
Started psychotherapy with my current therapist Aug 1998-present
(Her style is eclectic, talk therapy)
We tried marriage counseling for 6 months ~2000
(to discuss why he didn't want to have kids yet)
We met our current MC in Dec 2005
(to discuss why he still wasn't ready to have kids)
I got a life-threatening acute illness in Nov 2006
Complete recovery took until Aug 2009
Resumed MC in Dec 2009
(I thought it was so we could finally get ready to have kids. H handed me a letter describing his unhappiness and desire to work on our relationship but that he wasn't sure if he could ever be happy with me because our issues overlapped too much. Like my issues made his issues worse and vice versa)
We were in MC Dec 2009-May 2012
(He moved out at the end of Dec 2011)
His sublet apt lease ended and he rented his own "real" apt in June 2012.
We would have moved ahead with separating further that summer, but in June my mom died and in July my brother died.

So we are just now getting around to making appt with the mediator to proceed with legal and financial separation to go towards D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
I spoke to STBXH tonight as I wanted to clarify where we had left things. Of course I ended up crying, but he did talk to me and clarify how he feels right now.

I asked him if he will ever be able to give me closure, to explain to me why he gave up on us.

He said that he didn't give up on us. That I never understood that it wasn't about us. It is about him and stuff inside him that he is trying to deal with. (Its not about you, its about me.)

I said I get that he is having some kind of MLC or personal crisis but I never understood why we couldn't work on ourselves in the context of our relationship.

He said he would have to talk to his IC before he could answer me. That he's not sure that he will ever be able to explain it to me.

I told him that he has to own the fact that his actions are causing irreparable damage to my life and that I deserve an honest explanation.

He said that he might agree that I deserve it, but that doesn't mean he will ever be able to give that to me.

---
The problem all along during 2.5 yrs of MC has been that I wanted to work on our relationship. He continually says that he is working on understanding himself and his needs and he can't even think about us until all his own s**t is straightened out. And that he knows its not fair to me to leave me in limbo which is why he is willing to comply with going forward formally (legally/financially/etc).

If he just wanted out the whole time, why string me along? How can someone truly not know how they feel for so many years? He's basically saying, "I don't even know how I feel about myself. How the h*ll am I supposed to know how I feel about you?" Isn't that the biggest EXCUSE and COP-OUT you ever heard?

He insists there is no EA/PA. He seems just married to his work which he has always been successful at.

Am I crazy to want some answers here? And how do I move on if I'm not going to get any answers? Was the past 17.5 years (1 yr dating/engaged + 16.5 married) a total lie?

I am not going to contact him again. I made it very clear that the ball is in his court to proceed. I deleted him from my cell phone and email. I need to get back on the 180 bandwagon.

I only have 2 weeks left before I leave on vacation. My vacation is 2 weeks long. So I am stating here publically that I will not contact him for the next 4 weeks. I will only respond re: pragmatics if he initiates contact.

Wow this is so hard. Makes me want to scream and punch and cry all at the same time. Arrrrrrggggghhhhh.

Am I the only one who doesn't know why they are getting divorced? When they say the wife's the last one to know, they aren't joking...
 
1 - 20 of 47 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top