[stuckinboston]

So quick backstory, I've been in a sexless marriage for several years. We never really had a lot of sex before marriage, generally because she always had a reason she couldn't today... not feeling well, sore, stressed, not in the mood, etc.

That continued into the marriage, with me becoming more cognizant of the fact that there's nobody who's sick or feeling under the weather all the time. We'd fight about it, I read "Hold Onto Your Nuts" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and started working them into my life. Then she started complaining that I don't initiate sex anymore... which struck me as odd, but I realized it's true.

I no longer try to have sex with her. If she's in the mood, it annoys me - I feel like she's just trying to get my attention. Which she probably is.

The thing is, I still enjoy it when we have sex, but I am just... not motivated to try. I'm also more and more aware of the attractive women around me, on the train, at friends' parties, wherever. I've never cheated on her, nor she on me, and I recognize that she is still quite attractive. But... I just don't feel like I want her.

Anyone experienced this? At one point I chalked it up to her denying sex leading to me no longer viewing her as a sexual being. Don't know if that holds any water, though.

 

[CanadianGuy]

I am experiencing that at the moment. After years and years of rejection, not just sexual rejection either ( she won't go on dates or walks or damn near anything with me ) I have stopped all initiation of any kind. I have started to feel quite a bit better about myself and with those strides in self-esteem and confidence have also been able to look at our relationship differently. It has been very enlightening for me as I now see her as a selfish self centered woman who pulled a bait and switch on me 15+ ago.

I asked her the other day what she thought men in relationships really needed to feel loved. Blank stare from her as she has no clue and has never really cared.

I will not live the next 15 to 20 years of my life like I have lived the last 15 to 20.

And when I stopped to consider all the damage her rejection did to me ( I am angry with myself that I let it and what I had become ) I was pretty blown away with just how strong of a person I am.

 

[Hope1964]

There's gotta be more wrong than just no sex. I mean, no sex is bad enough, but rarely, if ever, is that the root of the problem. Usually there's no sex because of something else.

I would never stay married to someone who, for years on end, didn't want sex and didn't care that I did, either.

 

[CanadianGuy]

There's gotta be more wrong than just no sex. I mean, no sex is bad enough, but rarely, if ever, is that the root of the problem. Usually there's no sex because of something else.

I would never stay married to someone who, for years on end, didn't want sex and didn't care that I did, either.

For me there is a lot more wrong than just no sex. Sure she threw me scraps just to keep me interested, but that's it.

Backstory. - We met, lots of sex at the beginning. Fast forward 5 years - She say's she doesn't need as much sex as I do. I'm figuring she's in University lots of stress and pressure and it's taking a toll on her sex drive, she even indicates this. I back off not initiating as much respecting her space and needs. Over the years less and less and less. Aren't I a NICE GUY. Me thinking this is what you do when you love some one.

Typically I begin to feel unloved. Begin to behave poorly, lashing out, injured self esteem, not seeing the value in contributing to the household as I feel she does not love me anyway. We have kids ( 13 years ago ) She begins to devote all her time to the family. To her this means ignoring my needs even more and focusing only on the children. I feel like a paycheque with legs. More behaving badly on part. Grovelling and begging for sex. Less self esteem and confidence. As she told me "my drive is my problem go masterbate for gratification."

Resentment, bitterness and, anger. Ask her on dates, she won't go. Her excuse is I'm grumpy. Big blowouts in the last couple of years with me once telling her she's frigid. Mistake on my part. I was at wits end. She has lost all respect for me by this point no doubt.

Fast forward to now. Joined this forum with the posting "I'm becoming a real jerk" or something like that. I can not figure out why I am behaving the way I am. It's just not me.

Read, discuss and share on TAM. Feeling better about me. I'm my own top priority. She is not any more. There is a lot more to this story - My stupid hoop jumping for one. Some financial issues.

She get her emotional needs met through her children and most of her financial needs met through her job. She is a great mother but has not been a good wife.

 

[chillymorn]

everyody has a breaking point where they say ok I no longer desire you because you showed me time and time again that you don't desire me. and to top it off you a bit*c to boot.

thats when they decide to try only problem is .....its a day late and a dollar short!

 

[fetishwife]

A lot of this for the OP and for you CG is the big LOVE question...

Do you guys LOVE these women?
Are you IN LOVE with these women?

And seriously....

Are these women IN LOVE with you?

I think that is the real question....unless you just cant afford to leave or have other reasons its impossible.

If there is no "In Love" or at least LOVE with a desire to TRY to be "in love" again....

I made my wife say it...she has (or USED to have) some of the cold features you guys describe....but she decided she was IN LOVE with me despite all my bad behavior....anger....things that should cause her to lose respect...etc......

By the way....you can drive yourself crazy trying to become some perfect archetypical man...no one is going to be perfect....you can still expect respect. She lost respect for you LONG BEFORE you lost your temper...

 

[ladybird]

So quick backstory, I've been in a sexless marriage for several years. We never really had a lot of sex before marriage, generally because she always had a reason she couldn't today... not feeling well, sore, stressed, not in the mood, etc.

That continued into the marriage, with me becoming more cognizant of the fact that there's nobody who's sick or feeling under the weather all the time. We'd fight about it, I read "Hold Onto Your Nuts" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and started working them into my life. Then she started complaining that I don't initiate sex anymore... which struck me as odd, but I realized it's true.

I no longer try to have sex with her. If she's in the mood, it annoys me - I feel like she's just trying to get my attention. Which she probably is.

The thing is, I still enjoy it when we have sex, but I am just... not motivated to try. I'm also more and more aware of the attractive women around me, on the train, at friends' parties, wherever. I've never cheated on her, nor she on me, and I recognize that she is still quite attractive. But... I just don't feel like I want her.

Anyone experienced this? At one point I chalked it up to her denying sex leading to me no longer viewing her as a sexual being. Don't know if that holds any water, though.

Yes, this is what is going on for me now with my husband.. I actually avoid sex with him, even though i want sex. As funny as that sounds. Rejection plays a huge part in the whole thing. I don't iniate anymore and haven't in a long time, because i get "no i am not in the mood" So after a while of that, you just kind of give up and think why bother.