[blankman92]

hello all

a little background: i am new to this and talking about problems online. i am the type of guy that keeps his problems to himself until something sets me off. my wife and i have been married for 3 years and dated another 1 year. she has two kids and i have two kids. her kids live with us and my visit on the weekends. neither of her kids see their dads her son was one when i met him so i consider him my son and her daughter was 8 when i met her so she does the whole testing me that i did to my stepdad, i understand that.

my problem: my wife got a promotion at her work about 8 months ago which i have tried to be supportive. i am really happy for her. by supportive i mean taken care of the kids after school cooking cleaning and helping with homework or whatever else comes up. she works from 7:00 a.m to 8:00 p.m. so when she does get home she is so tired she just goes to bed. when she is home i try to include her with games that i am playing with the kids or just taking them for a walk, but she will not participate. also when things happen child gets sick, or when grandma has something going on and needs the kids to be picked up after school i am the one that does it, usually my wife can not be contacted she doesnt answer our phone calls at her work (by her choice). whenever i try to talk to her and ask her for help or if she could get off work a little earlier it only last for about a week. and we argue about once a month and last month she told me not to make her choose between her job and her family. i told her that i didnt want her quit her job just get the hours down to something to where she do what is needed at home.

her job is a director for a small state funded agency and she makes decent money nothing spectacular. i am a commercial project manager for a mechanical contracter and i make really good money and my stress level at work is high. i feel like a single parent.

i love my wife very much, but i am very unhappy. she has even been heard to say to people that being at work gets her out of trick or treating with her family.

am just being blind to just keep my marriage together or should i just say enough is enough cause the signals she is sending me is she doesnt want a marriage.

 

[blankman92]

spruchub,

that is it exactly!!!! like i said i do have a communication problem i know that is one of my faults. instead of talking about it i will just do it myself and steam about it and expect her to know what i am upset about. my wife and i just get so defensive so fast that any kind of talk turns into a fight and i am tired of fighting.

side note: i am going on 4 days of the silent treatment. i decided to go out and have some "me" time. i went to our local casino for about an hour (i dont have a problem i go about 5 times a year). when i told her where i was, she got upset and hasnt talked to me since. i guess the reason was i knew she was at home with the kids and i just wanted feel what it is like to worry and take care of things at home without me. it is not helpful that when it happens to her i get the silent treatment, but she did come home at 6:00 and cooked dinner last night and still did not talk to me. i am just sick of these childish games.

i am just at a crossroad and dont know if i even think fixing the marriage is worth it.

 

[Moiraine]

Really 4 days of silent treatment? I admit I am guilty of the silent treatment when I'm super pissed. But that only lasts for half an hour at the most. I usually give up and want to talk through our differences. 4 days sounds extreme and very immature on her part. That's not how an adult should behave. Adults should discuss their problems. I feel sorry for you.

I'm a big proponent of career women because I am one myself. However, when career comes with a huge sacrifice to family time, then it becomes a problem. Unless you guys absolutely need all of her income, then something has to give. It sounds like you two need to have a serious discussion regarding these issues. A third person such as a counselor would be a good choice for you guys if you can't work through your differences.

 

[blankman92]

update:

my wife is finally talking to me but it wasnt good. she would like to be able to state her opinion about me without me disagreeing with her??????? when i did go to the casino i won $150 and i told her and she wanted me to buy her more stuff when i do get money. she would like me to do more stuff for her that shows that i still love her. and that i dont understand what is really bothering her (but she wont tell me).

now i was going to the casino to hopefully to win money so i can buy her the diamond earings she wanted, with christmas around the corner. she pays the bills in our household i just sign my checks over to her. i do ask if i can do the bills with her and she just says that it is easier to do it at work. the money is pretty much my fault for being a wuss and signing my whole check to her and get what i get as far as my money.

as far as doing more for her like i stated before i wake up early to take care of the kids in the morning so she can sleep in on weekdays and weekends (which saturday she spent all day in bed and complained because her hip hurt and i told her to lay on the other side for a couple hours after that comment i spent the night at my moms!)

i set up a counselor appointment on thursday, but her demands to me seem a little a far fetched and spoiled but i will do exactly what she wants for the next month and see how happy i am going to be and talk to her about it and see if she can even tell if i am happy or not.

also i am very of her menstral cycle. during the week of the silent treatment and the 2 arguments were during her PMS week and now she is in the very emotional stage of her cycle. i really need help coping with this time of month for but it is 3 weeks long! she used to take medication for it cause she has even admitted that she flies off the handle during this time but she blamed the medication for weight gain so she stopped taking it.

 

[blankman92]

moiraine:

the amount of money i make would support us it would be tight but i could support us. so to me it seems to be an easy decision also. she is just wired wrong

 

[diwali123]

This makes me so sad. Your poor kids.
What is your sex life like?
I hate to bring it up but do you think she is having an affair?
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[blankman92]

her son means a lot to me to the point i would like to adopt him but if his mom and i dont get through this then i have another child support payment and his dad does pay child support just never sees him.

our sex life???? hmmm once or twice a month or none???? and it is the same way every time with little emotion.

as far as an affair. the thought has crossed my mind. she does have opportunity and i never ask or try to check. i just use the honesty system. there is a guy at work that she does everything with and a woman that is very touchy feely in fact one time she was looking for her phone and really felt up my wife and two or three times in certain areas and they just laughed i kind of felt uncomfortable and really didnt know how to respond.

anyways cant wait till thursday. i just dont think i could ever leave her son. just the thought of not being around is upsetting.

 

[turnera]

The thing is, it is UTTERLY unreasonable for her to work until 8pm every night when she doesn't have to. She's a boss. She can delegate. She chooses not to. She married a man who is weak and who will let her have her 'real' life, the adult life she never got to have cos she had kids young and couldn't afford it. Now that you come along, she's making all she can of it. And losing any respect for you in the meantime.

Right now, she's getting a HIGH out of her job. Her job is giving her the 'feel good' that YOU should be giving her. We all gravitate toward what feels good and avoid what feels bad.

So you have a lot of things to take care of. First, stop giving her all your money if she doesn't give you access to it. Set up an automatic deposit of a portion of it into a savings account for yourself that you can use at will. Tell her you are doing so, as she has withheld access to the money. Good first step in manning up.

Two, you will HAVE to have the 'talk' about you not being her nanny. Tell her you love her, but you didn't sign on to become her employee. If she wants to work 10-12 hours a day, she is going to have to start paying for a nanny, as you will no longer just sit at home every day while she lives the life of a single person.

Three, you need to do some reading because you have a serious case of beta male. Start with No More Mr Nice Guy, and after that read Married Man Sex Life Primer (not about sex). Tell us what you learn from them.

Four, she SHOULD be allowed to state her opinion of you without you disagreeing with her. Just like YOU should be allowed to tell HER what YOU think about HER. Work on this. I recommend a Talking Stick.

Five, by all means drag her to counseling however you can.

 

[diwali123]

She is walking all over you and I see huge red flags of an affair. You should head to the Coping with infidelity section and start reading.
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