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Been married for 15 years, have three kids who are 15, 13 and 11. We got married pretty quickly as you can see from the data above. When I met my wife, I fell in love with her. We shared the same interests, the sex was amazing, the connection was real. We met in September, married in January, and had our first child that June. It was really quick!

So our first child is born, which was the most amazing day of my life and we were happy.Very broke, but really happy and home, really felt like home. New wife, new baby, what more could a man want? Well months go by and sex stops. I figured with having a child, she needed to heal and probably wasn't in the mood as she put on the usual baby weight. Well more months go by and still no sex. It started to become an issue. She kept on telling me that I married her only because I got her pregnant. Ok I admit, it sped the process up, but I really was in love with her. I worshipped the ground she walked on! Months turn into years, we do end up having two more children but I am still being beat up with, "You married me because of our first child."

I thought I would show her that I really love her, not just tell her, but really SHOW her. I would do little things, notes, little mini-vacations, just her and I to show her that I wanted to be with her and enjoyed her company. The conversations were solely about the kids. I tried to make it about us, but it always turned into a planning session of all the stuff we have to do with the kids for the coming week.

Sex was a problem now. When we were dating, she was almost insatiable and she turned into the polar opposite! Well, I turned to porn to satiate myself but not to the point where that's all I did all day long. I did not want to cheat on her and totally mess up my marriage and put all that in jeopardy. After all, I was in my late 20's to 30's and still had a high sex drive.

After our last child was born, I got a vasectomy as I knew we didn't want to have anymore children. This is really as an aside story only to demonstrate a point, because they needed a sample to make sure there were no "swimmers" left. I had a really hard time with providing one and asked my wife if she could "help me out". She told me that was disgusting and I had to fend for myself. She also told me she would be ok with not having sex for the rest of her life. Remember, this is on top of being told I married her only because of our first child.

Fast forward about 13 years into the marriage. We have a couple of drinks one night and I discover she had quite the active sex life in college. Now, I don't care what people do in their pasts especially being young and maybe even "dumb". But here's the kicker, she told me she did those things because she had been date raped (which I knew about a long time ago, so no surprise there) and just "didn't care anymore". So, after years of this battle with her, a huge question popped into my head. Why couldn't she do things with me, once in a while, that maybe she really didn't want to do? After all, I am her husband and not a "frat brother". I mean she had threesomes, did certain things to the frat brothers, all that sort of stuff but wouldn't touch me with a 10 foot pole? I was just totally bewildered and angered by this.

So in about year 14, I just had enough. I felt, after 14 years of rejection, all the sexual problems, her doing things with others before me but not doing things for me, I just felt extremely rejected. For me, I felt if I had become incapacitated in that regard, and she still had desire, I would do things for her as my wife. There were also some bad financial decisions she made but didn't really want to get into all that right now.

I am now at the point where I am just not in love with her anymore and I don't even really find her all that attractive now. I don't hate her either as we can still have good conversations, but it's not "us conversations", it's more about say politics, or current events or news of how our friends and family are doing. The last year and a half has been filled with huge fights, resentment and turmoil. We've become great roommates, but that's not what marriage is all about. I just feel dead inside, frustrated, trapped, rejected and not knowing what to do really. I am seriously thinking about leaving her, she can't be happy either. Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks for reading!
 

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Sorry you've arrived where you are whatasituation.

What you have described is what happens when a spouse (male or female) is rejected over and over again. No-one can take that for years on end and be unchanged. We see your story on these boards too often

It's horrible and soul destroying.

So...yes.... the question is what now?
 

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Questions?
Does your wife nag you?
Do you do more then your fair share?
Does she give you other affection, hugs, hand holding etc?
Have you begged or bargained for sex?

I think you can get the passion back, but it would take effort from both of you.
You need to let your wife know exactly what you are thinking and what you need.
And let her know it is normal and natural to have sex and important to a healthy marriage to have a lot of love and affection.

She needs individual counseling badly. You also need individual counseling. And marital counseling. These should be a non negotiable part of you staying in the marraige.

You need to get some good boundaries, and let your wife know that she has been neglecting you and it's no longer OK.
Let your wife know you are finished if she won't agree to fixing this with you (and no half assed attempts either) and stick with it.
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Cut that loser wife of yours loose.

You got played buddy. You likely were the guy seen as "good enough". I don't know what her trip is, but if you were that deficient she would not have popped out two more kids with you.
:iagree:

I am totally pro marriage but when someone has said " I do not love my spouse anymore' .....what is left?

This is a long term chronic problem... I'm sure marriages CAN recover from this but I imagine it takes a huge amount of effort and commitment.

How sad!
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Questions?
Does your wife nag you?
Do you do more then your fair share?
Does she give you other affection, hugs, hand holding etc?
Have you begged or bargained for sex?

I think you can get the passion back, but it would take effort from both of you.
You need to let your wife know exactly what you are thinking and what you need.
And let her know it is normal and natural to have sex and important to a healthy marriage to have a lot of love and affection.

She needs individual counseling badly. You also need individual counseling. And marital counseling. These should be a non negotiable part of you staying in the marraige.

You need to get some good boundaries, and let your wife know that she has been neglecting you and it's no longer OK.
Let your wife know you are finished if she won't agree to fixing this with you (and no half assed attempts either) and stick with it.
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The answers to your questions is this: no, she doesn't nag me,not only do I run my own business, but I also clean the bathrooms, take the kids here and there, etc., I do more than my fair share, no affection (I think a lot of this is me because I don't even want it anymore), never bargained or begged for sex, but nearly always initiated it and frequently turned down.

Now all of a sudden she's open to have sex whenever. A little too late now and we've had sex 3 times in the past week. I'm not going to lie, it's been so long it felt great but it wasn't "making love". Hell, after we're done, we both just get up and roll over to our sides of the bed and go to sleep afterwards.

She also has contacted MC's and wants me to go. I don't even care or want to do it. I feel like I am just "done" and this is beyond repair.
 

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I feel almost the same as you. "Done". The only reason I'm sticking it out is for my children.

My circumstance is different, but my feeling of being done is the same. It's almost as if I can't be bothered to exert the energy to try anymore.

Sorry I can't offer any advice, but there's a ton of great people here on TAM that have been where you are and will have more to offer.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Why is she having so much sex with you this last week.
Did you tell her you were thinking of leaving?
No, but we had this one huge blowout last weeks where she asked what I wanted. I couldn't answer her at that point. She gets SO emotional, SO angry, I can't really just reason with her. I don't even have the energy to fight with her anymore, I don't even get mad like I used to. I almost feel like I want to get "clinical" and just tell her I am done. But I know the moment I start entering this area, she gets out of control and I can't even talk.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I feel almost the same as you. "Done". The only reason I'm sticking it out is for my children.

My circumstance is different, but my feeling of being done is the same. It's almost as if I can't be bothered to exert the energy to try anymore.

Sorry I can't offer any advice, but there's a ton of great people here on TAM that have been where you are and will have more to offer.
Me too Jason, and that's not a good reason to stay in the marriage either. I hope you guys are getting along well and the kids really don't know. My kids know something is going on and I don't think it's healthy for them to see us fighting nor live in such stress and negative energy you could cut it with a knife!
 

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No, but we had this one huge blowout last weeks where she asked what I wanted. I couldn't answer her at that point. She gets SO emotional, SO angry, I can't really just reason with her. I don't even have the energy to fight with her anymore, I don't even get mad like I used to. I almost feel like I want to get "clinical" and just tell her I am done. But I know the moment I start entering this area, she gets out of control and I can't even talk.
I wonder where all that emotion and anger in her comes from. Being so disconnected from you, you'd think she would be more ambivalent... like you.
 

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Now all of a sudden she's open to have sex whenever. A little too late now and we've had sex 3 times in the past week. I'm not going to lie, it's been so long it felt great but it wasn't "making love". Hell, after we're done, we both just get up and roll over to our sides of the bed and go to sleep afterwards.

She also has contacted MC's and wants me to go. I don't even care or want to do it. I feel like I am just "done" and this is beyond repair.
She has realized that you are serious and her world is about to change. She is now grasping at straws hoping to keep her status quo.

I realize that the marriage is dead for you, but before you jump the gun and file paperwork, have you planned out your exit strategy? If you do not have your ducks in a row, this could get very costly and ugly for you if you are not careful.

My advice, if you are truly done, play the game with her for a while about 'working' on things. On the side, learn your state statutes with regard to divorce law and family court, the internet is a great thing. Get your documents and financials in order. Get a consult with a lawyer. Figure out what you want from a divorce (material things, custody, ect), develop a plan to get what you want, and then execute your plan.

Don't take to long as she may be planning as well now that cat is out of the bag.
 

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OP, I feel sorry for the point you've reached right now. Assuming there is no infidelity on either side contributing to the issues here, if your wife started to make all of the changes that you desired and she received the counseling that would help her to become a better spouse, would you be willing to stick with her? It sucks that you have so many wasted years, but if the two of you can make a clean start and both recommit to the marriage I think you have a great chance to make it. Your appears to get it that you are highly upset over the years of wasted opportunities and I think she is trying to save the marriage now. Maybe instead of thinking "too little, too late" that you may look at it as perhaps your wife does love you after all. I would try to have a heart to heart talk with your wife so that the two of you can lay your cards on the table. I would also preface the discussion by stating that neither of you are allowed to raise your voices and start a fight. Both of you need to communicate and to see what each of you like about the marriage and what must be fixed.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
She has realized that you are serious and her world is about to change. She is now grasping at straws hoping to keep her status quo.

I realize that the marriage is dead for you, but before you jump the gun and file paperwork, have you planned out your exit strategy? If you do not have your ducks in a row, this could get very costly and ugly for you if you are not careful.

My advice, if you are truly done, play the game with her for a while about 'working' on things. On the side, learn your state statutes with regard to divorce law and family court, the internet is a great thing. Get your documents and financials in order. Get a consult with a lawyer. Figure out what you want from a divorce (material things, custody, ect), develop a plan to get what you want, and then execute your plan.

Don't take to long as she may be planning as well now that cat is out of the bag.
I think that's exactly what is going on. She feels it's only a matter of time. I've been planning on my exit strategy already, looking at different places to live to separate first initially. She's said in the past she's open to a mediation process to not have this long dragged out judicial process that is not only expensive, but also hard on the kids. She's not an evil witch, so I think she could be reasonable. I do feel I need this buffer zone which is the moving out to my own place. I've already looked at my laws here in my state as far as what would be expected of me. I don't care about the material things, she can have it all. I've started over many times in my life and could easily do it again.
 

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OP, I feel sorry for the point you've reached right now. Assuming there is no infidelity on either side contributing to the issues here, if your wife started to make all of the changes that you desired and she received the counseling that would help her to become a better spouse, would you be willing to stick with her? It sucks that you have so many wasted years, but if the two of you can make a clean start and both recommit to the marriage I think you have a great chance to make it. Your appears to get it that you are highly upset over the years of wasted opportunities and I think she is trying to save the marriage now. Maybe instead of thinking "too little, too late" that you may look at it as perhaps your wife does love you after all. I would try to have a heart to heart talk with your wife so that the two of you can lay your cards on the table. I would also preface the discussion by stating that neither of you are allowed to raise your voices and start a fight. Both of you need to communicate and to see what each of you like about the marriage and what must be fixed.
Thanks Plan, I appreciate your thoughts on this. I've done a lot of soul searching for the past several months. I've gone from, "no, let's give this a try AGAIN", to "I just want out". I can with all honesty, just say, "I am done" with no anger and no regret. I do not want to get to the point where I resent her and feel bitter towards the wasted years. This woman did give me three amazing kids so I will always be "attached" to her forever in some way or another. I think I will always care about here, no matter what. I need to make sure we can be friendly from now on but separate.
 

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Me too Jason, and that's not a good reason to stay in the marriage either. I hope you guys are getting along well and the kids really don't know. My kids know something is going on and I don't think it's healthy for them to see us fighting nor live in such stress and negative energy you could cut it with a knife!
We're not fighting. We've agreed to stay amicable. We only discuss the kids, house, etc.

It's not the best situation for the kids, but right now I see no other option for the short term.
 

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Your wife was insecure (as almost everyone is) and when she said you only married her b/c she was pregnant, she was really saying, I need reassurance in this moment that you love me. The need to be reassured and loved is not a one time event, but an ongoing need she has.

The fact that she was never sexual with you really means that even though you have tried, you have not succeeded in assuring her that you love her. Now, this is not your fault becuase you tried very hard according to your post. But, for whatever reason the things you did were barking up the wrong tree.

Only you can decide that you are done , finished of whatever. It's no shame to decide that you have not had your emotional needs met, have tried very hard to meet hers, she never really tried to meet yours, and at this point you are better off starting over.

But, you may want to converse with her about these concepts.... Trying to find out a few things from her (you want her to verbalize this)... Does she know what your emotional needs are? Does she understand your sexual needs as a man and what it means at an emotional level? Does she know what her own needs are? Does she feel you meet her emotional needs? Does she have needs that you don't meet? Does she feel you are meeting her needs and admit that she never felt a need to meet yours?

What you would be trying to do is discern the problem... Is it that you were missing the mark in what you tried, or ultimatley is she just a selfish person who did not care about your needs. You are on the verge of divorce, what's the harm? You will learn alot.
 

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Hard to say for sure, but I THINK this whole 'you only married me because of our first-born' is ALL ABOUT HER and NOTHING ABOUT YOU.

Sounds as though she's never forgiven herself for getting pregnant before marriage. She's never forgiven herself for being date-raped (even though it wasn't HER fault).

I, too, think she sees the writing on the wall and is uncomfortable with the coming changes (the impact on the kids, where everyone is going to live, changing financials, etc.)

I'm sorry so many years have gone by, but try NOT to think of them as wasted. Try to forgive yourself for not leaving sooner. Now that you see there is NO POINT in remaining, you are moving on. You are learning lessons and there is VALUE in that!

I left my STBXH after 19 yrs of marriage earlier this year. I am HAPPY for the first time in years. The possibilities that lay before me are as awe-inspiring as when I was in my 20s and ALL THINGS SEEMED possible!

Hope you find HAPPINESS and peace and FUN in your new life!
 

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Hard to say for sure, but I THINK this whole 'you only married me because of our first-born' is ALL ABOUT HER and NOTHING ABOUT YOU.

Sounds as though she's never forgiven herself for getting pregnant before marriage. She's never forgiven herself for being date-raped (even though it wasn't HER fault).

I, too, think she sees the writing on the wall and is uncomfortable with the coming changes (the impact on the kids, where everyone is going to live, changing financials, etc.)

I'm sorry so many years have gone by, but try NOT to think of them as wasted. Try to forgive yourself for not leaving sooner. Now that you see there is NO POINT in remaining, you are moving on. You are learning lessons and there is VALUE in that!

I left my STBXH after 19 yrs of marriage earlier this year. I am HAPPY for the first time in years. The possibilities that lay before me are as awe-inspiring as when I was in my 20s and ALL THINGS SEEMED possible!

Hope you find HAPPINESS and peace and FUN in your new life!
Thank you, at least it feels like there could be a glimmer of hope through all this. I choose not to be mad at her, or at myself. These weren't wasted years as this woman gave me three amazing kids whom I love with all my heart. I can choose to be bitter or I can choose to handle this as a life transition.
 
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