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I've posted small problems on here before...received some good advice...which I admit I have not followed.

Now, I'm in a whole new world and most days I don't know if I'm coming or going. Bit of background, my husband and I have been married almost 10 years, together 12, 2 kids. Ups and downs of course, most of the issues revolve around how the responsibilities are divided.

His stance - he does about 85% of household responsibilities, I do about 15% - and of which I don't take care of properly.

My stance - I do about 85% of the household responsibilities, of which I do the best I can. Not perfect (by any means), but I truly am doing my best. I work full time. Have a 45 min commute each way. Husband works from home - no commute.

Breakdown of responsibilities is as follows:
Husband - all outside maintenance of the home. However, when this actually taking place, 90% of the time, I am helping.
Cooking dinner

Me - All household responsibilities such as cleaning, laundry, preparing kids lunches for school and their meals. I am the only one who gets them up and dressed and ready in the morning - husband sleeps through this. Gets quite cross should he be woken up while we're trying to get out the door.
Groceries
School Meetings
Children's Dr's appts
Bedtimes
And pretty much everything else that comes in between.

Latest event that has me at a crossroad. I had planned for weeks for my H's 40th birthay. Arranged overnight caregivers, made all kinds of non-refundable reservations. On the day we're packing to leave, he realizes his two favourite pairs of jeans have not been washed. They didn't get washed because they didn't get put into the laundry basket, but that is a whole other matter. Long story short, I am completely useless at any of my responsibilities, I have let him down yet again. This time, I don't just bend over and take it. I tell him he is basically out of synch for thinking that this is worth fighting over. Which leads to an even bigger fight...and him declaring I've ruined his birthday, he's not going anywhere with me and that he's never going to be able to forgive me for any of it.

Over the course of the next 24 hours...we talk a lot...mostly about how much I suck as a wife. I try to say there are two sides to every story...but he's never interested in listening to my side. I say that I think the only way we can move on is to get some counselling. He refuses. Says it will be a waste of time. I am incapapble of living up to any of my promises.

So, I could go on and on. Basically, when is enough, enough? when you have two kids you would protect if your life depended on it. I know i'm not perfect,,,but i know I am the best woman he has ever had in his life, and he will not find anyone else who will put up with his BS the way I have.

Sorry for the ramble. help.
 

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Seems to be a total disconnect on someones part about truth and reality.. I know there are two sides to every story but the way you are telling it, one of you is living in a totally different reality..

I dont see your relationship ever getting better until you both are on the same page about what the reality of the situation here is and who is doing what and how much..

If the thing with the jeans is true and he made a *big issue out of his short comings then you are right to stand your ground.. Its a pair of dam jeans.. Get over it..
 

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I wouldn't put up with this one day longer. He refuses counseling, goes into drama king mode and says you're worthless and you're incapable of living up to your promises... whatever that even means.

Slide some divorce papers under his nose and tell him there's ONE more promise you plan to break and you wanted to give him the heads up.

Personally, I don't work well with bullies and I wouldn't sit there and take that crap. Your husband sounds like one.
 

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Who died and made him Lord of housework? I'm with a bit much I wouldn't put up with that for one more day. He is a bully. If he doesn't like how you do things then he can dam well do them himself.
 

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When my husband criticized me for not putting his clean matched socks away in the drawer in color coded order, I stopped putting his laundry away.

When he criticized me for not having his laundry done when he needed it, I stopped doing his laundry.

No fights, no drama, very simple.

Now he does his own laundry (as do our teens) and I do the laundry for the younger children and the household.

Took him a few lessons from the 12 year old before he learned how to run the washer :p

Oh and if I was in your shoes, I would have learned my lesson about putting myself out to plan a big fancy party for him too. Next time, cake and his favorite dinner at home with your immediate family.
 

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From what little you've posted, he is emotionally & verbally abusive.

Let me guess - he is:

Controlling
Critical
Ill-tempered
Quick to anger
Calls you names
Bullying
Always right
Never says sorry
You feel like you are waking on eggshells around him
His every mood affects yours - when he is happy you are happy, when he is mad you are upset, scared, etc.
He thinks he is perfect
There is an imbalance in your relationship - he is the boss
 

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I've posted small problems on here before...received some good advice...which I admit I have not followed.

Now, I'm in a whole new world and most days I don't know if I'm coming or going. Bit of background, my husband and I have been married almost 10 years, together 12, 2 kids. Ups and downs of course, most of the issues revolve around how the responsibilities are divided.

His stance - he does about 85% of household responsibilities, I do about 15% - and of which I don't take care of properly.

My stance - I do about 85% of the household responsibilities, of which I do the best I can. Not perfect (by any means), but I truly am doing my best. I work full time. Have a 45 min commute each way. Husband works from home - no commute.

Breakdown of responsibilities is as follows:
Husband - all outside maintenance of the home. However, when this actually taking place, 90% of the time, I am helping.
Cooking dinner

Me - All household responsibilities such as cleaning, laundry, preparing kids lunches for school and their meals. I am the only one who gets them up and dressed and ready in the morning - husband sleeps through this. Gets quite cross should he be woken up while we're trying to get out the door.
Groceries
School Meetings
Children's Dr's appts
Bedtimes
And pretty much everything else that comes in between.

Latest event that has me at a crossroad. I had planned for weeks for my H's 40th birthay. Arranged overnight caregivers, made all kinds of non-refundable reservations. On the day we're packing to leave, he realizes his two favourite pairs of jeans have not been washed. They didn't get washed because they didn't get put into the laundry basket, but that is a whole other matter. Long story short, I am completely useless at any of my responsibilities, I have let him down yet again. This time, I don't just bend over and take it. I tell him he is basically out of synch for thinking that this is worth fighting over. Which leads to an even bigger fight...and him declaring I've ruined his birthday, he's not going anywhere with me and that he's never going to be able to forgive me for any of it.

Over the course of the next 24 hours...we talk a lot...mostly about how much I suck as a wife. I try to say there are two sides to every story...but he's never interested in listening to my side. I say that I think the only way we can move on is to get some counselling. He refuses. Says it will be a waste of time. I am incapapble of living up to any of my promises.

So, I could go on and on. Basically, when is enough, enough? when you have two kids you would protect if your life depended on it. I know i'm not perfect,,,but i know I am the best woman he has ever had in his life, and he will not find anyone else who will put up with his BS the way I have.

Sorry for the ramble. help.

This sounds like one of the arguments my stbxh had for me when he really wanted a divorce...

I was 8 months pregnant and all he cared about was if the house didn't look good enough or if dinner was on the table. By the way, I kept it pretty clean, just not up to his standards.


I took alot of it, tried to fight some with no avail, but nothing ever helped.


He was just an assh*le. And I know that I wouldn't take that from anyone else ever.

Mine refused counseling as well.

It's never just about housework. And if it is, (as my stbxh claims was the main problem), then he is an idiot too.



He might just be a bully or there are deeper problems.

I think its just comes down to an emotionally abusive personality.
 

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Not that I don't believe you, but you've really itemized your list of duties but only gave a general description of his "outside maintenance". Are you minimizing what he does and buffing up what you do?

Assuming that you aren't and there really does exist a huge difference in responsibilities, the only way he will see value in what you do is to stop doing them. Now I understand you can't stop washing the kids clothes, but what about his? Maybe skip grocery shopping for a couple of days?

As for counseling, go alone and let him know you are so he realizes you take this problem seriously.
 

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Jeannie, part of this may seem like it's going out on a tangent but please bear with me.

There's a concept called "fundamental attribution error" that I studied in my master's program on Communications. The basic idea is that we all believe we contribute more than we do to our relationships, and we do not give others enough credit for what they do. It sounds like this is happening in your relationship.

It leaves both people feeling unappreciated and unloved. It's important for both people to remember that each of you brings different things to the marital table. You bring child care, for instance, and he brings in physical labor, it sounds like. This is just one possible example. You both bring financial skills, social/romantic skills, practical skills. Who gets credit for calling the water company when there's a problem? When FAE takes place, these small kinds of things can "disappear" from the person's view who doesn't have to handle it, but seem MORE deserving of credit by the person who made the phone call. It would help you both if you could have a rational discussion about what FAE is and how it had intruded in your marriage. Listen to each other's beliefs about what you both contribute, and then show appreciation for those things. Stop believing you're contributing so much more if you really aren't.

As far as his criticisms... Criticism is one of what Gottman calls the "four horses of relationship apocalypse." It's a sign that the relationship is headed for destruction. If I was in your shoes, I would firmly and consistently let my husband know I will not listen to criticism but will listen to complaints. If he's unhappy about something that has happened, he can complain about what happened, but he's not free to criticize me.

I would also emphasize that if he has a problem with something, it is HIS problem and it's up to him to solve it. When I have a problem with something, it's MY problem for me to solve. With that in mind, it's important to recognize the value of cooperation and to remember that cooperation is not the same thing as a job description. So while you're willing to wash his clothes that are in the laundry hamper (cooperating), you are not willing to clean them off the floor if he won't cooperate with putting them in the hamper.

While all this is being worked through, focus on that sex life a LOT, too. Remember that this is important to guys and they're likely to be a lot more cooperative when those feel good hormones are running around in their bodies.
 
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