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Don't know where to go from here...

6K views 85 replies 16 participants last post by  Propel 
#1 ·
Sorry if anything below is confusing. I combined a few posts I made from another section because I wasn't getting much feedback there.

My wife and I have been having problems lately. A couple of times now it’s been about chores but mostly the underlying reason is that when I do more of the work there are no issues, but any time my wife starts to do more than 50% there’s major fights.

We had a big fight a few nights ago. It started out about chores… I work full time and she is in the middle of a long break from school, she hasn’t had a single class for months. We still share the expenses because she has money from her parents but I have to work for it.
She’s a messy person by nature and I’m not, and since I’ll barley be home a few hours everyday I said she should do the cleaning. She tried to tell me to handle all of the cooking and I told her I didn’t want to do that. On top of working I’m having big problems with my thyroid that makes me very fatigued everyday. We live in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment with no kids so in my mind cleaning should not be a big deal. I’m not even asking her to cook everyday, just once in a while. Since I’ve started this new job she made me lunch once that I took for a couple of days, but nothing other than that.


Anyway, we were arguing in the car when she brought up my mom, who we had lots of problems with in the past and currently. It was completely out of context (she said she brought it up because I was brining up stuff from the past, which was about me picking up the slack for chores before) so I told her I don’t care and don’t want to hear about it, and then she got out of the car, slammed the door and walked away.
She came back to our condo 2 hours later and I was already going to bed. At 5 in the morning she poured water on the bed so I couldn’t sleep and then we fought until I went to work.

Yesterday after I came home I ate dinner, we spoke a couple of words about nothing, sat in silence for 20 minutes and then I fell asleep while sitting on the couch.

In the past I would always try to find a solution to whatever problem we were having but I just didn't have any will to do it yesterday. We've been through a lot and it took a toll on me every time and now I'm at the point where I don't know if I want to put any more effort into it.

The last few days have been a mess but I think I know what the main problem for me is now. She is very insecure and any time she's doing more work than me, which is not often, it frustrates her incredibly. A few days ago she told me that going to work doesn't matter to her because I would do it if I was with her or not, so it shouldn't count towards mey effort in our marriage.
It seems like she wants to take that back now but it's not like her entire mentality is going to change all of a sudden, she just knows how upset that comment made me.

Yesterday the apartment was very clean and it looks like she actually bought some new carpets too. After our fights she always makes an effort to make things better but the change is always very short lasting. I feel like I can never count on her to take care of me, but the reverse is always expected. For the last couple of months she has been complaining that I'm not very loving towards her, that I don't kiss her often or tell her I love her. She also assumed it's my fault that I'm not doing it. She never thought to look at herself to see why I don't feel like doing it anymore.

I think she doesn't know how serious it is this time around. She probably thinks we're equally at fault where I don't think that at all. I am not going to stay in a relationship where my wife expects everything of me and nothing of herself. I'm going to work everyday while she's at home and she still wants me to take care of dinner everyday if she takes care of the tiny bit of cleaning she'll have to do for me.
Since our fight she's been sleeping in the living room and she actually said that she can't sleep next to me because she would be disgusted with herself. Doing a tiny bit of work for your husband makes you feel disgusted with yourself now???
I don't know what I'll say to her today but this is never what I imagined marriage to be.

IMO I think it’s her mom and step mom’s lifestyle getting in her head. Both of them make the money and their husbands are basically stay at home dads. On top of that it seems like she has major insecurities about being a “servant” to a man.
 
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#2 ·
Yeah, phoenix_ when you marry a princess, you have to expect to be treated like a servant.

So you have a couple of options here.

You are young and have no children with her, so calling it a day and going your separate ways is an option.

Or you can stay with her.

I like this one a lot, based on what you have said.

She will eventually maybe get a degree, but when she starts working full time, do you really think she is going to help you with chores? She'll be too busy keeping score on who dusted last to just take care of business.

And then, children! They're awesome, and they're messy. And she sounds like the kind of gal that will arbitrarily declare that being a SAHM counts for as much as you working a full time job and you also doing all the chores.

You may not know where to go from here, and you probably don't realize it, but you actually ARE at a crossroads in life, and the decision you make now is going to have major consequences to you for years to come.

No pressure......
 
#10 ·
This is a big concern of mine. We were planning on having kids maybe 4 years from now and she would stay home for a year while I work. I can't imagine what type of problems would show up at that time.

She loves animals and we have a rabbit (that I never wanted). She makes extravegant play pens for it and she buys high quality food and makes sure it's never even close to short supply. I feel stupid being jealous of an animal sometimes but it happens.
 
#4 ·
Your wife is being inconsiderate and selfish.

Money aside, you work and she should be doing her end of things (cleaning/cooking etc).

All of your concerns are valid. Tell her that it has to be more long lasting and not for short period of time.

If it doesn't change, put the hammer down and tell her you are considering divorce.

The balance is off, it's NOT 50/50 when it comes to effort. You work, and she should be putting in similar effort on her end as well.

Meanwhile, take her concerns seriously. Show her more love and address your end. Lead by EXAMPLE. Her concerns on that end are valid!!!

Hope she realizes what she is doing wrong and adjusts.....good luck
 
#7 ·
I really did try to show more affection but sometimes I would come home and see the apartment a mess after asking her to clean it for days. Times like that the last thing I wanted to do was kiss her and tell her I love her. I would just go and play video games or something else instead.
 
#6 ·
Where you go is to tell her - write it if you have to, if you're not strong enough - that if something doesn't change, you'll be moving out. Then she can clean it ALL or live in filth.

Include that you're more than willing to go to therapy for this. Just don't expect her to go a second time when the MC tells her that since she's at home, it's her job to do 75% of the housework.
 
#13 ·
How did I come off as a neat freak? I was basically asking her to clean up after herlself by not leaving clothes all over the floor, banana peels on the couch and ice cream containers in bed. Is that too much to ask?

Also, our washer and dryer doesn't work so I've been going to the laundromat on weekends. She came with me the last time.
 
#18 ·
If her lack of domestic skills are bothering you, you have a choice to hire help or continue the ranting.

I go for the path of success and would hire a cleaning service to solve the issue. You will not be able to change who she is. She hates cleaning.

Somehow, I doubt this has much to do with her slobbish nature...
 
#22 ·
I wrote that in my first post.

This was after she stormed out of the car and then complained that I didn't go running after her.
Anyway, I told her that was stupid and then I tried to go back to sleep because I was dead tired. Eventually we started fighting until I had to go to work. It's always me that tries to find a solution when we fight and this time I didn't care enough to do that and that made her upset. That's also why we've made no progress in the last couple of days. I'm not messaging her or trying to find a solution and she's staying quiet.
 
#24 ·
It was a mish-mash.
I also told her that I was angry when she said that me going to work doesn't count towards any effort in our marriage, since it's not for her direct benefit. I said she doesn't respect me and that showed again when she poured water on me. I also told her that I think she resents me because I don't pay for more than half.
I don't know if that's true but it was something I felt for a while so I said it.
 
#34 ·
Lol! What a way to start WWlll!

You need some work on effective communication skills. Going in defensive and antagonistic is sure to piss her off.

How about...
-I feel we can share the duties of cooking and cleaning together. If you cook, I'll clean and when "I" cook, you do the dishes.
-With working a forty hour work week, I feel my financial contribution helps us maintain the quality of life we've become accustomed to.
-When I come home from work, I'd like to be able to vent to you about it for, say 15 minutes and then we can discuss yours.


When you actually approach this as a discussion instead of a ***** session, you just might get what it is you're after.
 
#40 ·
Argh. phoenix_, I don't think you're getting anywhere productive.

And for the record, I think it is a completely messed up thread when I am asking other posters to help, rather than have them asking me to quit being a b^tthead to OP.

Okay, let's try this.

phoenix_, part of the reason you're getting challenged is, I think, that you haven't offered any reason whatsoever why you're still with this person. And most commenters on TAM are horrified at the thought of getting water dumped on us while we are fast asleep.

You're married to this person, who doesn't seem to love or respect you. You are having big conflicts over small things, which does not augur well for the future.

Give us something to work with.

Sing your wife's praises. Tell us about the things she DOES bring to the table, that partially offset making you miserable, wet, and tired. Tell us what appeals to her, what works with her, what she likes, and maybe we can give you some helpful insight or some useful points to make, since you are bound and determined to try and talk your way through this.
 
#41 ·
Well, when we first got married she used to take care of me pretty well. She was in summer school going to class twice a week but she would actually wake up early just to make me breakfast. It wasn't all the time but I really appreciated the effort she put in.
We usually have a lot of fun together because we have a lot of similar interests.

Lately I've just been on cruise control because I've been unhappy for a while. You can check one of my earlier threads actually.
I didn't want to do anything drastic so I figured I would just coast until something pushes me until I can't take it anymore. I guess I've come to that point. Definitely not the healthiest way to deal with it but the situation took it's toll on me.
 
#46 ·
I've hit another frustrating point.

There's a long weekend coming up and I kept telling my wife that I want to go somewhere with her for a few days and we talked about a few ideas. We didn't book anything but I was actively looking for places to go. Anyway, 3 days ago we were having dinner with my dad and she mentions that she's going to Montreal with her friend for that same weekend. She didn't say she's sorry she can't go with me or she'll try to get out of it, she just said that's where she's going and that was it.

Needless to say, I was pretty pissed. Normally I would wait until my dad left to talk to her about it but I guess I don't care the same way I did before. The rest of the night I didn't really talk to her much and for the next few hours I just did my normal stuff and then we went to bed. Well, she noticed that I wasn't really happy but she didn't know why. Instead of saying anything during the night she waited for the exact moment that my eyes started to shut to fall asleep and then she started a fight with me about how I wasn't being affectionate with her. I know that I could have communicated better but I'm so tired of having to teach her how to respect me and this is another perfect example. She intentionally waited to find the worst possible time, knowing that I have a lot of trouble sleeping well. I went into work the next day with 3 hours of sleep of felt like crap the whole time.

Anyway, during the fight she also brought up wanting to adopt the rabbit that we were fostering that somebody else is looking after right now. I am completely against having rabbits but she won't drop it. She said it's a comfort for her and she wants it back, even though during it's time here it chewed 4 laptop chargers, 2 headset cables, 15 feet of the bottom panel of our wall and left chewed up pieces of cardboard everywhere. We live in a tiny condo and it's cage takes up a lot of space and if it's here I can never leave anything like my laptop lying anywhere because I never know what it'll do. I told my wife that I want to relax when I come home and I can't when it's here but she says that she'll make sure it doesn't do anything but she's always said that and never followed through.

On top of all of this we have a religious event coming up and I asked her to come with me to my mom's house that night since it's tradition to be with family and she kept talking about how she has school assignments to do. It's only about 1-2 hours in the evening and it took me so much convincing to get her to come.

We also haven't had sex in almost 2 weeks. This is not something I'm complaining about, it's just that so many frustrating things keep happening and it's really killing my attraction for her. She's even tried to initiate after our fight recently but I did not feel like touching or being close with her. This has been pretty common for the last few months... I feel myself being less attracted to her every time some incident like this happens.
 
#49 ·
The second she mentioned that she had plans to spend the weekend in Montreal with a friend, any reason why you didn't immediately confront her on it and tell her that was unacceptable because we were making plans to spend that weekend together? I don't understand why you choose to withdraw and cut off talking with her instead of confronting the issue right away?
 
#54 · (Edited)
Actually I told her twice on the spot, flat out, that she's not going with her friend and that we're going somewhere. Her response was "I have to because she wants me to go". So, after that I stopped caring.

2 days ago she said that she'll go with me but I told her it's too late to book anything good. I also don't want to go with her so I'm not going to bother looking anymore. Even though she changed her mind afterwards I'm just turned off that I had to fight for something like this.

Anyway, I spent a lot of time trying to teach her how to respect me and I don't see why I needed to do it in the first place. Nobody had to teach me how to respect my wife. All I see is her trying to take advantage of me and me trying to prevent her from doing it, it's just stupid and should never happen in a healthy marriage. Am I going to have to "train" her for the rest of our marriage?

She made some good progress after our last fight but it's like she's reverted back in so many ways.
 
#50 ·
Exactly. The instant she said that, you could have politely (not in a provoking way) said "Wife, we've been discussing going somewhere that weekend. Are you now saying that you decided we weren't? It would have been nice to hear that first, rather than to hear your new plans. I'd like to talk about this tonight."
 
#51 ·
I would suggest you be nice to her for 3 months...and make her feel that you love her...if she changes her attitude towards you/home and it works out , then good, else you decide if you want to move on...frankly such situations are there for lot of families..there are even women who don't even contribute financially...so don't move out thinking you will get better next time...it can go worse as well...
 
#53 ·
You earn all the money and do all the cleaning. No sex, lots of fights and she blows off what you want to do.

Aside from stress, what is she bringing to the table? How are you benefited by being married to her? Make a list of all the reasons you have for staying married to her, lets see how many of them are positive reasons.
 
#55 ·
I don't earn all of the money. She has money that she got from her parents and we split expenses 50/50. Also, the low sex part is because of me, I'm just not in the mood to have sex with her anymore. It could partially be because my health has been poor lately. Although, I still think about sex a lot, I just don't want to initiate anything with her.
 
#57 ·
I don't know the OP's history, but aren't some of you being harsh? It definitely seems his wife has a lack of respect for him. Who pours water on a sleeping person or wakes him up when he falls asleep to argue? Only someone who doesn't care. Who says his working doesn't matter? A spoiled princess.

I know several spoiled princesses. They are difficult. I think the OP is wasting his time. If he has children, it will be 100 times worse.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#61 ·
You were partially right before, I am here to vent about a lot of my frustrations because I don't have any other outlets for it.

I have to see if I'm willing to change anything else from my side. I don't feel like I should be constantly coaching her to be respectful of me.
 
#62 ·
I'm not explaining well today. I don't want you to change anything about yourself so that you get something different from HER. I want you to look at yourself and see where you compromise your rules (your N.U.T.S.) in your daily life, and see WHY you do it, and figure out how to STOP doing it. Not for her, not even about her, but about your own life in general.

Once you realize that you shouldn't be making ANY decisions based on whether they elicit a response from another person, you will be free. And sane. And happy.
 
#63 ·
I feel like I'm getting there.
I just started texting my wife and she's telling me to pick her up from the gym tonight before going to dinner. Before she told me she had to study and I had to bargain with her to make time to go tonight and now apparently she'll be at the gym.
Her crap is really starting to pile up. I just told her I'm going alone now. I'm tired of dealing with this.
 
#65 ·
The part that I just mentioned? I said I texted her.

She told me she's tired of hearing that I'm not being respected and then I brought up that night how she ignored the trip I was planning and now she fought with me right as I was sleeping. Now, she's not responding.
 
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