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Discussion Starter #1
I do feel a bit uncomfortable posting and not even sure what I’m seeking but I think it’s fair to say that I’m in a relationship crisis.

Not sure where to start, we’re together for 12 years in the meantime. Life has not always been easy. 10 years ago, we were a young couple, early 20’s, he was a victim in a carcrash and over a month in coma, braindamage, long revalidations. I stood by his side, did everything, learned him to eat, walk, long story short I was his rock. He’s my miracle man, he’s doing very well, I’m so proud of him and with everything we encountered together there is an unbreakable bond. I did all and everything I could, finished my college degree, worked to support us and took care of him, I did it all with a smile on my face.

Fast forward, couple of years ago, felt like I had life back on track, he was doing good (he still has braindamage of course but he really is doing quite good), I held my dreamjob, yep felt like I finally had my life on track but then I got seriously ill. Anyway don’t want to take this too far but I'm still in my recovery. The road has been long and it’s the hardest thing I’ve done so far. In my battle he’s been at my side. He helped where he could. He’s been very sweet, and the latter one is the word I use to describe him, he’s sweet. I would help him where I can of course, that remained the same.

We care about the other very much, think that’s clear, neither one is being a jerk, cheating nothing of all that BUT the dynamics of our relationship just is not that anymore. It’s like roommates, brother-sister, caregiver – caretaker, mother – son, the list goes on, but not husband and wife, not partners. in my battle, I guess I encountered my needs, I wanted to lean on somebody but no longer can on him due to his problems. Practical things if I ask him to do something he’ll jump to do it, but without asking he wont think of it himself. that’s ok, but the problem lies on everything which is not practical, it’s like I have a little backpack of unfulfilled emotional needs, which I no longer can ignore and it makes me unhappy and ‘hungry’. Of course I cannot be really happy as long as I’m not back on my feet again but I’m not sure whether it’s all. He’s not autistic, but on an emotional level certain things with braindamage or at least his can be somehow compared, it’s not because he does not want to, he tries he really does (which makes it even more heartbreaking) but he cannot and me, it’s not because I want to have those needs, but sometimes I do need the emotional support. seems quite normal in a relationship no? I somehow expect my man to be a man, but the dynamics seems much more the above mentioned. I don’t want to take each and every decision alone for the rest of my life. I want to have a family. Sometimes I do feel very lonely in our relationship, I miss the connection we used to share. If I ask something (practical) he does it, with a smile and jumping even, sweet sure but if I don’t ask he wont move as a manner of speaking. I just want to be happy, I want him to be happy, I’m sure the other way around goes too, no doubt on my mind. Of course me being sick puts pressure on the both of us and the relationship. but it's more then that, we no longer seem to speak the same language, even more so when it’s about emotions. It’s like we’re no longer partners at the same time there is such a bond between us. It’s like a big trap, I don’t want to hurt him, truly not, I just want to be happy, but not sure whether I’ll get there like this, at the same time due to his braindamage he cannot live on its own either. His family never has been any help, the last time we heard his mother was when we asked for him to come over for a weekend since I was sick and needed a break. I cannot imagine abandoning him, I don’t want that and it does not feel like an option to me, that sure would not make me happy either. He's a great person, he really is, but as a couple it no longer seems to work, I feel alone and left with my needs. I really care, we care about eachother, yeah compare it like brother and sisters they are there for eachother too, but we’re not and as partners it no longer seems to work since I’m bumping into my needs. Am I making sense whatsoever? Maybe not, it’s like some big trap.
 

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Is your husband unable to bond and connect on an emotionally intimate level as a result of the injuries he sustained in the accident?

You mention several times how you have to ask him to help you with certain things; he doesn't initiate. I assume it doesn't compute in his mind to help you out without you having to ask because the injury to his brain has impacted his cognitive ability.

Reasoning, intuition, and perception are all cognitive functions. My understanding is our cognitive abilities are processed in the frontal lobe of the brain.

So, in other words, how he perceives his relationship with you, his ability to reason, and intuitively knowing that you need help at times - these abilities are gone?

Does he have a sex drive? Does he show affection, such as holding your hand, rubbing your shoulders, anything along those lines?

Your needs are not getting met. But from your post, it sounds as if he just may not be capable of doing what you feel you need. Does he initiate discussions? Does he show an interest in any particular hobbies?
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
that's the whole point. His braindamage caused mainly cognitive functions and I do understand he cannot help it whatsoever, he's not capable of doing that and due to that I ignored my needs for years (was pretty good at that and after all he could not help it).
Yet lately (due to me becoming ill myself it became more outspoken) I cannot ignore the fact for myself that I do need more then I'm getting out of it.
I'm not blaming him because I know he cannot help it, if he could, he'd change it in an instant. I cannot blame myself either for something wanting a shoulder to lean on, you know. I don't expect it, but it leaves me empty and alone. without blaming anybody, (blame does not even come close to the picture and would be irrelevant) but due to the 'cause' I don't see how on earth anything can change. exactly that's the trap. It goes further then I 'want' to change this, it feels like a real need for me in order to somehow be happy.
sometimes it feels like we both need too much.

no initiating things he cannot. again not his fault, he's the executor so to speak.
He does not initiate discussions unless it's something which is going on and bothering him (so a problem for which I need to give him a solution). but not like 'just' talking about something.

yes he does show affection but more as part of the routine: wake up give a kiss, go to bed give a kiss.

You understand his problems very well (if I would have known would have just written that :) yet most of the times when I mention to people cognitive functions they look at me like I'm talking Chinese :)) and please do not misunderstand I have all and every understanding for his problems and what he cannot do. But I also have to try to be there for myself :scratchhead:
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Is your husband unable to bond and connect on an emotionally intimate level as a result of the injuries he sustained in the accident?
that one hits the nail and the first time (in over 10 years - nope no doctor either)that someone puts it as clear as that. I always felt like that, no not always, took me some time to figure out that he just did not 'feel' it emotionally like we did, like he did not connect, of course he 1) did not really get what I was talking about (no blame) 2) or says sure I do - which to me was confusing. but I did not notice it in the actions.

ps: i apologize if I would make language mistake, English is not my mothertongue
 

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Your English is quite good. I speak Spanish and French, and it wasn't until I learned to speak other languages that I realized how difficult it is to learn English as a second language.

I can tell you feel a great deal of guilt about this. I also understand the loss of cognitive function because my husband suffers from it. However, I do not have pity for him; he blew out his frontal lobe by drinking unbelievable amounts of alcohol. Although he is still quite proficient in graduate-level calculus, because he learned it prior to damage, he often cannot initiate or grasp common-sense issues.

You have needs your husband cannot meet, but I can tell you are feeling very guilty for wanting to have those needs met. This is what I consider a complex situation, but that's just my opinion.

I think you would benefit greatly from seeing a counselor to discuss your guilt over wanting back the husband you lost. Honestly, that is the best advice that comes to mind.

I was seriously ill for a number of years. My husband wasn't there for me; too busy zoning out on booze. I got the cancer diagnosis alone, went through chemo alone, and am living in remission alone. I know what it means to lay sick in bed for days on end without a caretaker.

I guess it boils down to you discussing this with a professional, and then deciding how to manage this situation. If I was in the same situation as you, I would stick it out. But that is just my opinion. You ultimately have to either learn how to navigate the relationship with a husband who has a permanent disability, or you have to leave. Your life. Your decision.
 
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