[dani741]

Hi~
I have been married for 7 years to my husband. On Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, he announced he was misserable, took a bag, left for work and left me a phone message telling me he wouldn't be joining the family for Thanksgiving and I haven't heard from him since. I feel as thought I've been hit by a train. I've sent a few emails and left a few phone messages and he does not reply. I will not try to contact him again. I just don't know where to go from here. I'm so frightened at the thought of starting my life over at this stage. It takes my breath away.... any words would be appreciated.

 

[draconis]

First be strong for you and the family. It might have been selfish of him to do what he did having lacked the ability to first try to communicate what the problems were in the first place.

Second do you have any idea where he may be staying?

Third do you know why he may have felt miserable? Was there something lacking in the relationship? Were you hit blind side by this?

draconis

 

[dani741]

My husband has the personality that when things like work and life get to be more then he can handle he disconnects and withdraws. I do not know where he is at, but I'm assuming a hotel or something like that. I would be very shocked to discover he was with another woman. He comes home from work everyday around dinner time and we are together every weekend. He had an extremely rough day at work on Tuesday (he works for a large corporation). I am aware that our marriage is not perfect and that some of the romance has faded. But I love him deeply. He left once before last summer for 2 months, but came back on his own wanting to work out our marriage, although he did not want to go to counseling together. I knew he wanted to separate last summer, he didn't just walk out unannounced. I sent him an email expressing my desire to seek counseling before throwing away the last 10 years we have built together. I only hope and pray he will be open to this. If not, the alternative is frightening to me and I dont' want to spend the rest of my life alone.
the "not knowing is what's so difficult". I have to pull myself together because I have to go to work on Monday morning.

 

[draconis]

It sounds like he is suffering from depression and the point here is it is not really you, but he can't handle the stress in his life. Chances are he is so confused it will be a few weeks for him to sort things out on his own. I would hope he would return in that time. I think Communication seems to be lacking in your relationship with your husband (please tell me if I am wrong), maybe more from him then you.

Has he talked to his Primary Doctor about this? As high as 60% of men that face depression refuse to get help and often do worse for it. Be careful of a councilor that might drop blame on him because with the depression (If he has it) he might think the two of you are ganging up on him.

When he is depressed do you just give him space?

draconis

 

[dani741]

I give him all the space he needs because I know how he is. I have suggested he see a Dr. for medication / depression and he insists that he is fine. I agree with you completely. I am very open and love to communicate (as you can see here)... I often talk too much for my husbands liking. He is quiet and I'm chatty. I want to communicate all the time, figure things out, talk things and situations through, chat about what's wrong and, but he keeps everything in telling me everything if fine . I'm assuming everything that is not working in his life he is attributing to me and that's what scares me. If he doesn't recognize or decide to go to a doctor I feel as though nothing will change. He has been seeing a Psychologist for about 7 months, but never once mentioned medication. I offered to have visits together with his Dr. and he said no!!!! . He also turned 50 last March.... what should I do... I feel so desperate and alone.... and I miss him too!! I'm afraid he may think life with someone else other than me will be better, but I just don't know.... and my family is furious with him, especially my father.

 

[draconis]

First for him to want to return he can't be under pressure. or ten baby steps forward back to you is 20 back. It is good that he was seeing a psychologist. He might feel weak there, hence less like a man if you are there with him.

There are a few things I might suggest in communicating with him, but first I want to ask you how you communicate with him. Is there things that distract him going on? Does he answer in the simplist form?

draconis

 

[dani741]

No... he is long in his explanations and if you interrupt him he gets extremely frustrated..... although he interrupts me, I don't mind, I just pick up where I left off. It throws him completely off... He gets frustrated "very easily" and isn't long on patience. His job distracts him greatly and he travels a good deal of the time, within Europe, not too much in the US, except for Mexico. If he gets frustrated with work he sends out resumes, goes on an interview here and there and then things calm down and all returns to normal. Let me also mention we have no children together,and I have 2 from a previous marraige who are on their own. My daughter just moved a few months ago, so we are here alone now....so he knows I am here at home alone by myself...... He is basically a very quiet guy....... who keeps things in and doesn't communicate with me as much as I would like him too. He says I over analyze everything, but I just want to avoid issues and address them as they come up.. He insists everything is fine... and them !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[draconis]

Physically lower production of the male hormone testosterone (androgen) could lead to male menopause symptoms: fatigue, weakness, depression, and sexual dysfunction

To engage him in good conversation you need to do it at the right time and in the right way. During super and TV/computer time offers to many distractions. So do times when kids are running around the house, but you do not have that as an issue.

The next important factor is how you do it.

Have him sit on the couch.
Take his hands in your
Lean towards him

Now it is important what you say and how you say it.

Use a gentle voice “Honey, I love you and I want our marriage to work but I can’t do it all by myself. I would like for you to share your problems with me, because every time something effects you it effects our marriage too. I love you to much not to care.”

It sounds like he is one to jump out of things when the going gets rough, or at least when he thinks it is.

You mentioned he gets extremely frustrated does he have a temper or just get flustered?

 

[dani741]

Hi just gets flustered... and he blows things our of proportion at times. He has been a loving, giving and selfless husband and I don't know what or when things went so wrong.... last summer he left, came back and things have never been the same. I would love to take his hands in mine, speak gently and lovingly to him, but he is not here, won't take my calls, answer emails.. he's just gone. I did tell him in an email that I except him exactly as he is, that he has a family who loves him so much and would he please come home and find a way to work this out... but no answer..... and I think leaving your wife and disappearing is unbelievable to me.. I would never do this to anyone. He has no family other than my family, so perhaps he feels he has no one to answer to. I would never disappear and leave my kids and parents worrying about where I am or if I am ok... I am so worried about him and not sure why I should be. I should be angry as hell... but I'm not... I wish I was.... perhaps this would be easier......

 

[draconis]

If you ever have to see him go to his job, chances are he is there. It is risky to do as he will feel you have invaded his space. You may ask he come over to the house and give you 30 minutes and leave it at that.

draconis

 

[draconis]

BTW I agree that what he has done twice now is selfish, I can't picture any rational person doing it. I am sure that laying all the blame on him would be easier for you but again would that discover the real problem or give an answer to it, you might not feel as bad but I don't think it would be a fix either.

When he left a year ago was there a solution to why he left? Do you even know why he left?


draconis

 

[dani741]

I know he is not to blame for everything, I have responsibility in this and have made changes in addressing these issues. Of course it's never one-sided, but it takes the two of us to work it out.... he's left me with not knowing where he is or if he intends on coming home. Going to his work is out of the question. I just feel helpless, hopeless and depressed and don't know what to do or where to turn...he doesn't answer his cell phone or emails......and Christmas is just around the corner... I feel desperation and depression and don't know hot to pull myself out of this.... by the way he started Christmas shopping the day before he left... so now what to think of that????

 

[draconis]

It sounds like he just snap while trying to go through the motions. I have an important question though what was the things he was depressed about for the last year?

draconis