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Hello,

I am new to this forum... I actually just found it today. I am in desparate need of some advice but really have no one to talk to about it.

My husband has been horrible to me in the past, not extremely but definetely not what I expected of marriage at all. He has put his mother and his friends before me often, has barely supported me over the past couple years (we have been married for 3 years), and although I have never actually caught him cheating, I have found several emails and a couple text messages that he has sent to other women in the past (the last one found was a year ago, I dont even check anymore...guess i've lost interest). We have had a complicated relationship, we have lived in separate states for the majority of our relationship and I guess in many ways I feel like I have moved on from the relationship and do not want to be married anymore. I guess I kind of embraced being by myself.

A year ago my husband had a very serious medical condition which has affected every aspect of his life. He has now turned over a new leaf and has really changed his behavior, he finally moved (so we have been living in the same house for the past year), and I really believe that he is trying to be a better husband. The problem now is that I am trying really really hard to forgive and forget but part of me is still guarded. I do not trust him and part of me feels like I will never really be able to trust him again. Just last night I was thinking that maybe the problem is that I love him but i'm no longer in love with him (know what I mean?). Sometimes I feel bad about this because I really do believe (and have seen evidence) of him trying to be a better husband, then other times I feel like...he didn't really care about my feelings in the past and wasn't loyal to me so why should I care about his feelings.

I just really dont know what to do. Is this what marriage is like? or is this what it looks like when a person needs to move on and get a divorce? I don't really know what a "good" marriage looks like I guess and any thoughts I have about a "good" marriage suggest to me that I'm not in one. but i'm not sure if I just have unrealistic goals about what i'm supposed to think and feel in a marriage. any advice will be greatly appreciated.
 

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Hello,

I am new to this forum... I actually just found it today. I am in desparate need of some advice but really have no one to talk to about it.

My husband has been horrible to me in the past, not extremely but definetely not what I expected of marriage at all. He has put his mother and his friends before me often, has barely supported me over the past couple years (we have been married for 3 years), and although I have never actually caught him cheating, I have found several emails and a couple text messages that he has sent to other women in the past (the last one found was a year ago, I dont even check anymore...guess i've lost interest). We have had a complicated relationship, we have lived in separate states for the majority of our relationship and I guess in many ways I feel like I have moved on from the relationship and do not want to be married anymore. I guess I kind of embraced being by myself.

A year ago my husband had a very serious medical condition which has affected every aspect of his life. He has now turned over a new leaf and has really changed his behavior, he finally moved (so we have been living in the same house for the past year), and I really believe that he is trying to be a better husband. The problem now is that I am trying really really hard to forgive and forget but part of me is still guarded. I do not trust him and part of me feels like I will never really be able to trust him again. Just last night I was thinking that maybe the problem is that I love him but i'm no longer in love with him (know what I mean?). Sometimes I feel bad about this because I really do believe (and have seen evidence) of him trying to be a better husband, then other times I feel like...he didn't really care about my feelings in the past and wasn't loyal to me so why should I care about his feelings.

I just really dont know what to do. Is this what marriage is like? or is this what it looks like when a person needs to move on and get a divorce? I don't really know what a "good" marriage looks like I guess and any thoughts I have about a "good" marriage suggest to me that I'm not in one. but i'm not sure if I just have unrealistic goals about what i'm supposed to think and feel in a marriage. any advice will be greatly appreciated.
Look at what you wrote sweetie. The answer is in the first paragraph.
 

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thank you. I guess so. I'm just dragging my feet about it I guess. I've wanted it to work out for so long and now he is really much better, but I cant make myself go back to how I used to feel. Guess that's how life goes... thanks for the help! I really really appreciate it.
 

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I am sorry but i do not agree the answer is in the first paragraph.

When a couple married or not lives apart ie seperate states, this immidetly puts such a huge strain on a relationship and it takes a lot of work, effort and trust to maintain a healthy relationship, now from what i am understanding you sound like i lovely and smart woman who did have a strong relationship with this man because the end result was that you walked down the isle and promised to love him for better and for worse.

he is a very lucky man to have a wife who stands by him when he is at his worse ( ie his medical condition) and i think that not only did it effect him hard but naturally it hit you and your marriage hard as well, and this is something that yiu need to work thru in your own way.

After you speak about the medical condition you then go on to say that you are gaurded and having trouble trusting him, is this because of the txts and phone calls to the other woman that you spoke of first or is this as a result of the medical condition that he has lost your trust.

in regards to his txtg other woman, he is very clearly in the wrong, and of course this breaks down a huge element of trust and raises a whole range of questions for you, have you confronted him about it, in a calm way so that he does not feel he cant be open and honest, i ask this because you say you "lost interest" I dont believe that this is the whole reason , would it be fair to say that maybe you stopped checking because you didnt want to know the answer in case it was something that you would not want to hear? this would be a very natural responce, but as his wife if you have fears or concerns it is your right to ask him and as a husband he should be repectful of your feelings.

As for the mother and putting her first, sadly as wives this is something we just have to suck up and deal with, trust me i know first hand as my husband can not see that his mother is horrible to me and ignores our children even when his mum is standing right in front of him, i think the mother son bond/hold is something we will never win and to tell the truth some mothers like that ( i say some as most are truly amazing)

Do you think that maybe you have "fallen out of love" with your hubby because YOU are not getting what YOU need from the marriage? your husband is not understanding the hurtfulness, lack of trust, and emotion becuase a) he is a man and b) because you have not openly spken to him about it..

What i would suggest is not throwing in the marriage yet, sit him down and put a timer on... explain there is something important you need to talk to him about and spill your feelings, fears and needs with him...you may be surpised as he may be feeling same way and is just not sure what to do about it... i say put a timer for 20 minutes on it because men lose interest after this amount of time and then the potention for arguing creeps in, so if you have a time slot several times a week to openly talk maybe this will help.

he needs to understand you are hurt and gaurded wit good reason and he wont know this untill you tell him.

I hope this has spread another option for you.
good luck
 

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Thank you so much pinkprincess. I really love the setting the 20 minute timer idea, never thought of that one! I have lost trust due to his actions with the txt'ing and emailing and yes I have confronted him about it (unfortunately I did not have all those great marriage-communication things down when I did). We've argued about it, discussed it, and finally went to marriage counseling last summer about it. I was actually planning to file for legal separation, then he was hospitalized and put on life support (heart condition that we did not know about)... after that happened I felt like I did not want to live without him and so we started working on our marriage (this is when we went to counseling). So now, he has totally changed and he's great... he cooks for me every night, runs my bath water, makes me tea, doesn't argue, has worked on many of the other issues that we had in the past but for some reason I still think about the bad times from time to time and it makes me feel like I may never trust him again and may never feel the way I felt when we first got married. So now I dont know if this is just what happens in marriage and over time it will get better? or not?

We dont have any children and I really feel like I want to have one with my husband so I guess that tells me that I am still somewhat invested in the marriage... marriage is tuff.

and thank you Pandakiss! I will take your advice all of it but especially to think about it for a couple days...
 

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I have been through something similar, the other woman part. It almost meant the end of our marriage. I was pregnant and felt that my h betrayed me when I was at my most vulnerable. It took a very long time to forgive and almost forget about it. I say almost because I will never totally be able to forget, but today I am over that hurt and resentment. We are still having problems but with other issues. I'm starting to think that marriage is a struggle most of the time. Always some issue to work through. I know some people say they have wonderful marriages and everything's just great but I believe that is the minority. For the majority marriage is constant hard work. Once you work through one problem the next pitches up. Don't get me wrong, there are great times also but difficulties are always going to be around. And whether it is with this man or the next there will be issues so my philosophy is, I can just as well stay with this one, whose crap I already know then the next one whose crap I still have to discover. It's not easy but possible, so hang in there and give it your everything. It get;s better with time.
 
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