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Dont know what to do...suggestions, please!

14355 Views 191 Replies 26 Participants Last post by  old timer, 
LetDownNTX
Anyone that knows my story knows that Ive been in supposed R for almost 3 years now after dealing with 2-3 years of my WH PA, with one woman.

Everytime I think things are getting better there is a trigger and it brings me right back to the pit again. Recently H and I were talking about powerball and buying tickets. I told him that would be his way out if he was just staying here for financial reasons. I havent felt like he really loves me the way I love him. He does little things but doesnt so the heavy lifting you guys talk about. He seemed to be offended and said that he wasnt going anywhere and that it sounded like I was looking for a way out. I just laughed and said "whatever"

This morning when he was getting ready to leave for work I saw a piece of paper on the floor near where he was sitting (he puts his shoes by the door when he comes in and in the morning he puts them on near the door where he left them). I bent to pick it up and it was a piece of paper towel the size of my open hand and it had two sets of numbers on it (6 numbers so I figure Powerball numbers). I showed it to him since he saw me pick it up and look at it and he said he didnt know what it was but looked like powerball numbers. End of story I thought.

He left and I looked at the numbers better. The writing was neat, I would assume a woman wrote it and I knew it wasnt my daughters writing (I asked her anyway and she said no). I thought it might have been dropped by someone coming in my house but I asked them and they said no. When I looked at the numbers more closely it made me sick.

Here were the numbers
37 45 8 13 16 27
37 45 8 15 18 34

37 is my H age, 45 is the OW age, 8, 13 and 16 are our children's ages and Im not sure about the 27

The 8 could also be the difference in their age (8 years)

On the second line the 15 and 18 I believe are her two younger children's ages, not sure about the 34.

I dont know that this is the OW's writing or that there is any signifigance to the numbers at all. I thought that he might have picked it up on his shoe somewhere and brought it in but he carried his shoes in (he works in boots all day and takes them off and changes at the end of the day. Sometimes he doesnt put his shoes on and just drives barefoot).

I am just lost on what to do. If there is no relation at all and I bring it up its just going to cause an argument and he's going to say "its never going to get better" or "here we go again" like he always does. I have been in tears all morning just so frustrated about this. I dont want him here if doesnt want to be here. Ive told him a million times I'd rather be alone then with someone that doesnt love me. I guess Im just afraid of making things worse by saying something if there is a possibility he knows nothing about the paper/numbers.

My thinking was maybe he met up with her, they talked about buying tickets and came up with numbers and she left her paper in the truck and it got brought in accidently. I dont think he bought any tickets, he never has cash on him.

I dont know whether to confront or keep my mouth shut. I just want the truth thats all and if he's still cheating I just want him to leave so I can start to heal. He wont admit to anything, he never does.
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U
I vote for keep it quit, but start keeping your eyes and ears open. It could be nothing or it could be something. But remember that we are not as niave as we were before.

To many people (inluding myself) confront we they find the small stuff. If we had been just a little more patient we could have found the whole picture before we confronted them.
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canttrustu
so heres a few questions then since you dont want to confront and you wont get the truth anyway.

1. Does he have a cell and do you have spyware on it?
2. Do you know OW number?
3. why are you tolerating it if he's not doing the heavy lifting AND you dont feel loved?
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Pluto2
I agree it doesn't sound like enough to confront, and if you did he would totally shift the focus on to you and your "insecurity". It doesn't sound as if he appreciates the pain he's caused, and for that I'm truly sorry.
Is there anyway you can track his cell phone and go into evidence gathering mode.
And let me add, this is a horrible way to feel at the start of the holidays, keep strong gir.
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vi_bride04
I think you should wait to confront and try to gather more data. Like others have mentioned, do you have any spyware on his phone or on the PC or anything?
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LetDownNTX
canttrustu said:
so heres a few questions then since you dont want to confront and you wont get the truth anyway.

1. Does he have a cell and do you have spyware on it?
2. Do you know OW number?
3. why are you tolerating it if he's not doing the heavy lifting AND you dont feel loved?
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He does have a cell but its provided by his work. I have no access to the records because of that. Its been a huge enabler in his PA.

I do have the OW's number.

I tolerate it because I love him and because Im an idiot, I guess. He never has been overly affectionate or loving so I wonder if I just expect it more now since the A because I need the reassurance. Not everyone is the same and some people arent capable of doing it by the books. He hasnt been the same person since his father died unexpectedly several years ago and then a year ago his mother was diagnosed with Stage IV small cell lung cancer and died 5 mos later so it hasnt helped him. You can read my past posts and see he has issues!

We have been together since we were 16 and 18, he is all I have at this point, besides me kids and I guess I just hold on to hope that things will get better!
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LetDownNTX
vi_bride04 said:
I think you should wait to confront and try to gather more data. Like others have mentioned, do you have any spyware on his phone or on the PC or anything?
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He is never on the computer and if he is I always know where he has been, he doesnt cover his tracks well.

His phone is a work phone so I dont have access to it at all. I would pay someone that could pull the records if I just knew who.
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LetDownNTX said:
I showed it to him since he saw me pick it up and look at it and he said he didnt know what it was but looked like powerball numbers. End of story I thought.

When I looked at the numbers more closely it made me sick.

Here were the numbers
37 45 8 13 16 27
37 45 8 15 18 34

37 is my H age, 45 is the OW age, 8, 13 and 16 are our children's ages and Im not sure about the 27

The 8 could also be the difference in their age (8 years)

On the second line the 15 and 18 I believe are her two younger children's ages, not sure about the 34.

I dont know that this is the OW's writing or that there is any signifigance to the numbers at all.

As much as I hate to say it, your gut is probably right. Those numbers are so specific that it is would be hard to think that they don't mean anything.

I am just lost on what to do. If there is no relation at all and I bring it up its just going to cause an argument and he's going to say "its never going to get better" or "here we go again" like he always does. I have been in tears all morning just so frustrated about this. I dont want him here if doesnt want to be here. Ive told him a million times I'd rather be alone then with someone that doesnt love me. I guess Im just afraid of making things worse by saying something if there is a possibility he knows nothing about the paper/numbers.
My thinking was maybe he met up with her, they talked about buying tickets and came up with numbers and she left her paper in the truck and it got brought in accidently. I dont think he bought any tickets, he never has cash on him.

I dont know whether to confront or keep my mouth shut. I just want the truth thats all and if he's still cheating I just want him to leave so I can start to heal. He wont admit to anything, he never does.
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I'm not sure why it is so difficult to get the truth. I still have very little of the story from my H. You are much further along in this process than I am and I don't know if I'll ever even get close to where you are. From your posts, I can tell that you really do care about this man and I feel your pain so deeply. The level of deceptiveness is what continues to drive me crazy. If he hadn't made the choices that he did, you would not be questioning everything. You have every right to be suspicious until his you are comfortable with the way he treats you or shows that he loves you in the way you need to be loved to continue the relationship.

I understand why you don't want to confront. I get the same way. Because you are supposed to be in R, he should not be getting offended if you ask him a question. He probably won't tell you anything even though you know that he's lying. My H has stunned me with the ridiculous lies that he tells me in a manner that is definitely convincing. If it will make YOU feel better, ask. If you already know that he'll lie and you'll still feel bad, it may not be worth it. It sounds like you already know that you will probably never trust him. You deserve to be with someone who you can. Just my thoughts.
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Pluto2
LetDN,
I was with my STBXH since I was 16, although we didn't marry until our mid-20's. Now 27 years of marriage are over. If I had been willing to see how he really was and how he was treating his family, I would have ended it sooner. We are not a priority in his life. In his mind-he is the only one that matters. He is selfish and nonremorseful and neglectful. (Does any of this sound familiar?). I had hope he would see some of this, but now I know that will not happen.
Why do you think he is all you have? I sure don't. You are a great person who deserves to be really loved by someone. If you are sure he is the one, than you have your work cut out for you. Go into surveillance mode until you get the answers you need.
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LetDownNTX
travellover said:
I'm not sure why it is so difficult to get the truth. I still have very little of the story from my H. You are much further along in this process than I am and I don't know if I'll ever even get close to where you are. From your posts, I can tell that you really do care about this man and I feel your pain so deeply. The level of deceptiveness is what continues to drive me crazy. If he hadn't made the choices that he did, you would not be questioning everything. You have every right to be suspicious until his you are comfortable with the way he treats you or shows that he loves you in the way you need to be loved to continue the relationship.

I understand why you don't want to confront. I get the same way. Because you are supposed to be in R, he should not be getting offended if you ask him a question. He probably won't tell you anything even though you know that he's lying. My H has stunned me with the ridiculous lies that he tells me in a manner that is definitely convincing. If it will make YOU feel better, ask. If you already know that he'll lie and you'll still feel bad, it may not be worth it. It sounds like you already know that you will probably never trust him. You deserve to be with someone who you can. Just my thoughts.
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Thank you travel, I know that I deserve better. I really am a mess!

I dont know if Im coming or going sometimes. He has such a way or messing with my mind. Saying something that makes you think he cares and then saying or doing something that says he doesnt. Then when you say something about it he makes you feel like you're being ridiculous and making stuff up. Its a total mind f*ck!
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LetDownNTX
Pluto2 said:
LetDN,
I was with my STBXH since I was 16, although we didn't marry until our mid-20's. Now 27 years of marriage are over. If I had been willing to see how he really was and how he was treating his family, I would have ended it sooner. We are not a priority in his life. In his mind-he is the only one that matters. He is selfish and nonremorseful and neglectful. (Does any of this sound familiar?). I had hope he would see some of this, but now I know that will not happen.
Why do you think he is all you have? I sure don't. You are a great person who deserves to be really loved by someone. If you are sure he is the one, than you have your work cut out for you. Go into surveillance mode until you get the answers you need.
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It sounds very familiar. I just cant wrap my brain around how someone that has been with you that long and is supposed to love you can be so cruel. Im sorry for what you have been through, its horrible!!
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TCSRedhead
It doesn't seem coincidental and I can completely understand why it triggered you. BH would go nuclear on me if something like that popped up after my EA.

As for the work phone, does he get weird if you look at it? I work in fraud/financial investigations (yes, ironic) and had my IT folks remove the sensitive application access from my phone so BH could look at it without breaching any security protocols. Would he be willing to do that for you?

I'm really sorry this is going on. He really should be bending over backwards to make you feel more comfortable and secure in the relationship.
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SomedayDig
Here's the thing that troubles me about this whole thing. He says "I don't know what it is" when asked about the numbers even though he suggested that they are Powerball numbers.

So, the other day, Regret's car needed to be taken in to the shop cuz the check engine light came on. As I drove it there I saw a small piece of paper...sticky note paper folded up tightly. At a stop light I unfolded it. The note said "Call me" and had a phone number. I was furious. I wanted to get on my phone and call her so quick, but I didn't. I sat on it and stewed for about a half an hour til I got home.

I handed her the piece of paper and asked who and what it was about. She nodded slowly because she understood the pain it had caused me and she called our 10 year old son into the room and asked him what it was. He said it was from one of his friends in class and that he forgot where he put it.

See...she knew what the paper was but instead of trying to get me to believe her, she decided that it was best that I hear it from our son so I wouldn't have to wonder if she was lying about it. A few minutes later she looked at me and apologized for making me think such things all the time...always looking for that little slip up (which hasn't come). She hates that I am constantly on vigil. I do too. But she at least knows to explain everything as it comes up.

Point being...your husband is an a-hole, IMO. If after 3 f'ng years of "reconciliation" he doesn't get it...then I think you're way overdue to take care of yourself. Yeah...I know, I know...he's all you know and blah, blah, blah. Guess what? My ex wife (who cheated on me!) and I knew each other since I was 17. When she cheated I was 27, I gave her a 2nd chance. She screwed that up, literally, and I left when I was 29. SHE was the only family I had in Virginia. All the rest of my family lived back north. Every friend I had was because they were her friend first.

Was I scared to leave everything I knew? Yep. Damn straight I was. But I did because it's what I had to do for myself.

HE needs to get off his a$$ and start doing some work. I don't even believe he doesn't know what those Powerball numbers are from. He absolutely does. And they're exactly as you interpreted. She wanted him to see that she's still rolling the dice for him. And it makes him happy. That's why YOU don't get the affection you deserve.
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Hope Springs Eternal
LetDownNTX said:
I tolerate it because I love him and because Im an idiot, I guess.
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You are not an idiot. You are a concerned wife who is trying to reconcile your marriage. Don't be so hard on yourself!
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vi_bride04
LetDownNTX said:
Thank you travel, I know that I deserve better. I really am a mess!

I dont know if Im coming or going sometimes. He has such a way or messing with my mind. Saying something that makes you think he cares and then saying or doing something that says he doesnt. Then when you say something about it he makes you feel like you're being ridiculous and making stuff up. Its a total mind f*ck!
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Its those mind fvcking games that drove me crazy for years. It totally drove my self esteem and confidence into the ground. I didn't trust my decisions, I couldn't make a decision. Everything I wanted or things I liked were shot down by his backhanded remarks. I just beat myself up all the time b/c he was beating me up all the time emotionally.

This is no way to live. Can you ever remember a time of when he DIDN'T treat you this way? And I mean really think about it and try to remember the very first conversations and interactions you have had with him.

I know when I look back, I do see the man who pushed his opinions on me and didn't value my views. Conversations I remember thinking "hang on a second, buddy, I don't feel that way" but never able to stand up to him as when I did the backhanded compliments came...so I just would back down in defeat.

They don't call it "crazy making" behavior for nothing....you are NOT crazy...you have every right to feel the way you do.

Are you in IC?
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LetDownNTX
TCSRedhead said:
It doesn't seem coincidental and I can completely understand why it triggered you. BH would go nuclear on me if something like that popped up after my EA.

As for the work phone, does he get weird if you look at it? I work in fraud/financial investigations (yes, ironic) and had my IT folks remove the sensitive application access from my phone so BH could look at it without breaching any security protocols. Would he be willing to do that for you?

I'm really sorry this is going on. He really should be bending over backwards to make you feel more comfortable and secure in the relationship.
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I dont touch his phone, dont even try. There is nothing on there that is sensitve so it shouldnt be a big deal if I do but I just dont want to. He knows Im always looking for something, he wouldnt be dumb enough to leave anything on his phone. The few times I have thought about picking it up and looking I got so sick to my stomach I talked myself out of it. Maybe Im scared of what I might find?!
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LetDownNTX
vi_bride04 said:
Its those mind fvcking games that drove me crazy for years. It totally drove my self esteem and confidence into the ground. I didn't trust my decisions, I couldn't make a decision. Everything I wanted or things I liked were shot down by his backhanded remarks. I just beat myself up all the time b/c he was beating me up all the time emotionally.

This is no way to live. Can you ever remember a time of when he DIDN'T treat you this way? And I mean really think about it and try to remember the very first conversations and interactions you have had with him.

I know when I look back, I do see the man who pushed his opinions on me and didn't value my views. Conversations I remember thinking "hang on a second, buddy, I don't feel that way" but never able to stand up to him as when I did the backhanded compliments came...so I just would back down in defeat.

They don't call it "crazy making" behavior for nothing....you are NOT crazy...you have every right to feel the way you do.

Are you in IC?
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Looking back, as you suggested, he hasnt changed much over the years, its just gotten worse as we have gotten older or maybe its just amplified because of the PA he had and the way I always analyze everything.

I am not in IC although I know I should be. In the last 6 mos my income has been cut in half so we are not financially able to put back for IC. I know I need it desperately and wish more then anything I had a way to pay for it before I lose my mind!

Thank you for your input, it means alot.
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Pluto2
I understand the "walking on eggshells" So is it fear of a confrontation with him, or fear of finding out something you don't want to know?
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Almostrecovered
27 and 34

February 7th and March 4th mean anything?
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TCSRedhead
I feel for you - this is a rough situation. One that I could not live with nor would I want my BH to live with.
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