Hello all - sorry in advance if this is long winded.
My wife and I are wildly incompatible, sexually. ....... We've been married 18 years and have 3 teenage children together.
There are 2 problems, from what I can tell. The biggest is that she has some medical problems and some issues with depression/anxiety. The medication she takes absolutely kills her libido and causes all kinds of stomach issues. I don't blame her for this, obviously, and don't put any pressure on her - though I do remind her periodically (gently) that I miss having some passion in our lives. I think it's fair to say she's aware of the incompatibility and how it effects me, but when you are in survival mode, it's really hard to get into the mood. I get that.
The second problem, which is 100% on me, is that I cannot break myself away from the idea that I deserve the sex life I had always had in my younger years. I know this probably sounds terrible but I need to be honest. I know it's not right, but I can't help it and have tried everything. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and pay all the bills, make all the financial decisions (I ALWAYS consult with her though), and am very active with the kids (homework, field trips and so on). I don't know if I'm good looking or not, but I've made a huge effort to keep myself in decent shape (but I only go to the gym when everybody else is sleeping). I send her flowers and leave her little love notes, I don't drink or gamble, I've never raised my voice to her and I think I'm doing things the way they should be done. I know the world is full of men like that, but I want you to understand a little more about me and how things are here.
To me, a passionate, fun, exciting sex life with the woman I married is really important. I want to play games, explore, send each other sexy pictures or texts or snaps or whatever, and keep things spicy in innumerable other ways. I want to try new things and be romantic and spontaneous and inseparable.
I've tried just about everything I can think of, including ways to kill my own libido via medications (which caused cognitive side effects that I couldn't live with) and therapy. A woman who we were both close friends with had suggested (a few times) that I should pack up and leave or file for divorce - but I don't consider than an option. I do love my wife very deeply, and cannot fathom not being there for somebody who needs my support.
I'm grateful to any of you who may have read all that - and I apologize if I sound insensitive in any way. I'm just stuck and don't know how else to communicate it. Any advice or thoughts are most appreciated.
Thank you - and I hope you, whomever you are, have a fantastic day
Well it's June and we've fooled around a little twice this year. Sex is like an annual thing for the past few years. When we fool around she has pretty intense <you know> and leaves me pretty scratched up. When we do talk about it, she says she understands that it's hard for me, and she turns it into a discussion about how I deserve more/better/etc. I reminder her that it's no more her fault than it is mine and that we can work through it together. I don't know if that means she's happy with it, but on her list of things to worry about, it's not even in the top 20. I often feel like my needs just don't matter to her, but when I look at the medical issues she faces, where some days she can barely put her feet on the floor without pain, I'm reminded that it's damn near impossible to think of others when you're miserable.
Thanks for the response!
I don't really initiate much because she's often not feeling well. And when she IS feeling okay, and the planets are all in alignment,.....
.....In fact, I've been sleeping on the couch for nearly 4 years now (kids think it's because I snore and don't want to keep the whole house awake). If I asked her to commit to once a week (or once a month) she would probably happily agree, but it I'd say I'm 99.98% confident it wouldn't happen.
I think you have some choices. I was in a sex starved marriage, but not as bad as yours.Thanks for digging in
She has a connective tissue disorder, which causes significant pain in her joints when it flares up. There is no known cure, no surgery, and nothing to do but try to control the symptoms.