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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife and I have been married 20 years now. We have 2 teenage children. The problem is I rarely desire having sex with her. I usually find her repulsive, both her looks and demeanor. Part of the problem, is the fact that she looks & acts (at times), alot like her mom, (who I used to not be able to stand, even though I get along with her now). We rarely have sex and she claims it's because of her weight. It's part of it... besides the rest of what I mentioned. We're lucky to have sex once every 3-4 months. It's not always great when we do though.

I know she's getting fed up with a sexless marriage, because she desires it, expects it and deserves it. However, I'm fed up with not being attracted to her and desiring her. Also, I love her, but not necessarily in love with her.

We've been to several counselors, but it hasn't helped much.

Does anyone else relate to what I'm going through or have any ideas?
 

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My wife and I have been married 20 years now. We have 2 teenage children. The problem is I rarely desire having sex with her. I usually find her repulsive, both her looks and demeanor. Part of the problem, is the fact that she looks & acts (at times), alot like her mom, (who I used to not be able to stand, even though I get along with her now). We rarely have sex and she claims it's because of her weight. It's part of it... besides the rest of what I mentioned. We're lucky to have sex once every 3-4 months. It's not always great when we do though.

I know she's getting fed up with a sexless marriage, because she desires it, expects it and deserves it. However, I'm fed up with not being attracted to her and desiring her. Also, I love her, but not necessarily in love with her.

We've been to several counselors, but it hasn't helped much.

Does anyone else relate to what I'm going through or have any ideas?

First sex should never be used as a weapon. Thus not withheld in a relationship that has love. I think you have more love then you admit but lack a bond.

Second create a bond that will increase a desire. Take up dancing or a gym. What ever you like that might help both of you to get into shape together, bond you letting love grow and the sex will likely follow.

The more things you two do together the better you will grow together and the more attraction you will feel for each other.

Just some suggestions.

draconis
 

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I agree with draconis about getting a physical hobby that the both of you could enjoy. I also recommend tennis or walking/jogging in parks.

As for looking like her mother maybe you could surprise her with a makeover gift (phrase it a "day at the spa" though). Acting like her mother is a completely different thing and only you would know what that means. Have you ever told her certain actions bother you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I agree with draconis about getting a physical hobby that the both of you could enjoy. I also recommend tennis or walking/jogging in parks.

As for looking like her mother maybe you could surprise her with a makeover gift (phrase it a "day at the spa" though). Acting like her mother is a completely different thing and only you would know what that means. Have you ever told her certain actions bother you?
I have either told her OR hinted that certain actions she does bothers me and is a turnoff. Unfortunately, she usually gets on the defensive and says, "that's the way I am" or "you should love me the way I am,"

We definitely don't have much of a bond between us.... except for our kids and religion.

I'm tired of being turned off by her...so we'll see what happens, based on some of the advice given...if we can implement it successfully that is.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
certain actions she does bothers me

Can you give a for instance?

draconis

She complains often, is loud, and childish more than I care for at times, and gases more than I care for (which is a huge turnoff). She's rarely soft and gentle as far as a lady should be, in my opinion

I honestly don't think she's beautiful at this time, however, she was before she gained alot of weight, which she's trying to lose.

Overall, I don't find her attractive, mainly because of the above reasons.
 

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Well is she is trying to lose the weight in an honest way then there is hope. Change the foods you eat may help with the gas. But again if she is trying to lose weight try with her, It can't hurt to be in better shape yourself.

draconis
 

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She complains often, is loud, and childish more than I care for at times, and gases more than I care for (which is a huge turnoff). She's rarely soft and gentle as far as a lady should be, in my opinion

I honestly don't think she's beautiful at this time, however, she was before she gained alot of weight, which she's trying to lose.

Overall, I don't find her attractive, mainly because of the above reasons.
Did she behave this way before marriage? Perhaps she reacts a certain way (You should love me for who I am) because she is insecure.

Definitely go to the gym or work out with her. That's the most effective way to really lose weight.
 

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Since you said that there is no bond between the two of you, and she is trying to lose weight, maybe you could both go to the gym together and work out. That would provide motivation for her, and you could spend some time together to reconnect.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Since you said that there is no bond between the two of you, and she is trying to lose weight, maybe you could both go to the gym together and work out. That would provide motivation for her, and you could spend some time together to reconnect.
We have begun walking together some. She is seriously trying to lose weight, since she got tired of the way she looked and felt. We'll see how it goes.

For what it's worth, I don't verbally abuse her for her weight and other issues. I hate confrontation and usually drop her hints.

As far as the bonding and being sexually attracted to her, will take some work and time. There is alot of bad history outside, and between the two of us, that certainly doesn't help matters.

Thank you all for the comments. It's a work in progress and I'll see how it goes. One things for sure, if it doesn't change it may cost our marriage. We're both fed up.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I agree with draconis about getting a physical hobby that the both of you could enjoy. I also recommend tennis or walking/jogging in parks.

As for looking like her mother maybe you could surprise her with a makeover gift (phrase it a "day at the spa" though). Acting like her mother is a completely different thing and only you would know what that means. Have you ever told her certain actions bother you?

I have given her a make over gift on more than one occasion. She knows I love beauty and I'm ALL for her doing and spending the money on whatever it takes to help, including the Gym.

Funny thing...she hates to spend money and I have to encourage her to do so. When she does, she feels quilty!
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Then Give it to her as a Christmas present.

draconis
Oh trust me..I will give her money for Christmas. She usually says she doesn't want OR need anything when her birthday and Christmas roll around, so I usually give her plenty of money and/or a gift card.

FYI - I own a successful business and she doesn't have to work outside the home, therefore, she has access to money anytime.
 

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For what it's worth, I don't verbally abuse her for her weight and other issues. I hate confrontation and usually drop her hints.
Sometimes, though, dropping hints is just as bad. In my marriage, I absolutely hate it when she drops hints. If she's going to say anything, she should come right out and say it. "Oh, the dishes need to be done, and I have to clean up the dog's mess," etc. Just freaking ask me nicely if I'll help out, because I WILL. So, round about, hints are aggravating.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Sometimes, though, dropping hints is just as bad. In my marriage, I absolutely hate it when she drops hints. If she's going to say anything, she should come right out and say it. "Oh, the dishes need to be done, and I have to clean up the dog's mess," etc. Just freaking ask me nicely if I'll help out, because I WILL. So, round about, hints are aggravating.

I agree that dropping hints can be just as bad as saying it. However, I usually hint by not answering when she makes a comment or asks a question. For example, if she comments "You just want me to lose weight, so you'll desire me more", I'll stay quiet many times OR say "That's part of the reason". I don't like to hurt her feelings and/or cause an argument, because she can be very sensitive...so sometimes I find it best not to answer some of her specific questions/comments. I'm not talking about the silent treatment.
 

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hi,

i am wondering if you as a person are having personal difficulties within yourself (e.g. stress, low self-esteem, depression, moodiness, feelings of being overwhelmed). i'm sure being a businessman can be very much overwhelming so that when you come home and things may not be as perfect as some may like that the little things are picked on.

when i am under stress, i dont feel like making love or anything with my fiance. i flat out express that " i am under stress and am not relaxed. i'm sorry but i cant get into the mood." so instead, he'll give me a nice footrub, which is my favorite since my feet area always cold even though i always wear thick socks, watch a movie that he picked out and then have an intellectual discussion/debate about our thoughts on the movie, just take care of things for me once in a while, so that i am able to mesh out.

maybe what is also troublesome to you is that she is a stay at home mom. you may feel that since you are the breadwinner, why couldnt she be this way or that? why isnt my home the way it should be when i work so hard to build this life? and then feelings are lost because the image of your wife in your mind is disdained. it doesnt matter whether or not she put on or lost pounds. the desire to make love to your wife is troubled because of the image that may have been created about and of her.

your wife sounds as though she is trying very hard. she loves you or else she wouldnt even try to change for you so that you will be happy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
hi,

i am wondering if you as a person are having personal difficulties within yourself (e.g. stress, low self-esteem, depression, moodiness, feelings of being overwhelmed). i'm sure being a businessman can be very much overwhelming so that when you come home and things may not be as perfect as some may like that the little things are picked on.

when i am under stress, i dont feel like making love or anything with my fiance. i flat out express that " i am under stress and am not relaxed. i'm sorry but i cant get into the mood." so instead, he'll give me a nice footrub, which is my favorite since my feet area always cold even though i always wear thick socks, watch a movie that he picked out and then have an intellectual discussion/debate about our thoughts on the movie, just take care of things for me once in a while, so that i am able to mesh out.

maybe what is also troublesome to you is that she is a stay at home mom. you may feel that since you are the breadwinner, why couldnt she be this way or that? why isnt my home the way it should be when i work so hard to build this life? and then feelings are lost because the image of your wife in your mind is disdained. it doesnt matter whether or not she put on or lost pounds. the desire to make love to your wife is troubled because of the image that may have been created about and of her.

your wife sounds as though she is trying very hard. she loves you or else she wouldnt even try to change for you so that you will be happy.


You are correct, I am and have been having a difficult time within myself. Just a little background on our marriage/relationship: I didn't want to marry her, but I did for two primary reasons; 1) I had low self esteem at the time and didn't think I could/would get anyone else. 2) I wanted/felt the need to rescue her from her lousy past abusive homelife.

Flash forward 20 years and I still am not happy with our relationship overall. She is losing weight for herself, NOT for me. She does love me very much, however, I'm not necessariy in love with her.

We have/had a complicated marriage that has been on the divorce many times and been through much counseling.

For the most part, at times, I'd just as soon get out and move on, because of the situation and the differences we're having. The underlying problems and way she acts at times are a major turnoff, whereby, I have a difficult time wanting to make love to her.
 
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