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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have decided, although I really can't say I agree with myself, to tell my SO that he has to leave. I asked him how much time he will need. I have told him that he will have joint custody with our daughter and I will not ask him for child support but only that he will continue to pay his mother for babysitting her while we work. I also cannot ignore the fact that he threatened to take our daughter with him if he leaves. He now knows that the chances of him getting custody are slim to none, so he is accepting joint custody.

I'm very sad about this situation, but I guess if you make your bed you must lie in it. As for SO, he really thinks we could make it as a married couple, that we get along great (we do, but i'm not hard to get along with anyway). He just cannot understand what would be better than the two of us being committed in marriage and raising our daughter. I, on the other hand just feel like things started off with us in such a horrible way, I made them even worse with my behavior, and I can't expect to live happily ever after.

I did go to counseling, had a VERY BAD experience, and will not waste my money on that again. I also spoke with a counselor at church and her recommendation was that I get out of this "shacking up relationship", concentrate on raising my daughter, and maybe out of that commitment and interaction with her father that we could build on a better foundation, but if not, we would just be the best co-parents we can be (that's my synopsis of what she said). We also did speak a lot on what led to my behavior and the mindset not to repeat it. That was very, very helpful.

I know there are a lot of hurting people on this site who have been betrayed by a spouse,and I was one of them. I admire all of you who came out of it with your character intact, and will always regret that I didn't. I hope this helps someone.
 

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If you are making the decision to leave the relationship, you shouldn't be telling him to leave... you should be planning to leave yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
If you are making the decision to leave the relationship, you shouldn't be telling him to leave... you should be planning to leave yourself.
The apartment is in my name; he moved in with me. He cannot afford it on his salary anyway. I cannot walk away from it because the lease is not up
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It's always painful to go through something like this even if it is for the best. You'll get through this, and we'll be here to lean on a bit as you're getting there.

One thing I'll mention. You said that he has threatened to take your daughter. Although most threats like that are nothing more than hot air, they should ALL be taken seriously. He is letting you know that such thoughts are in his mind and that he thinks he is capable of it. So even though you're looking at joint custody, this wouldn't prevent him from taking your daughter. To ensure as much safety as you can, I would make sure that I had his social security number in my possession. I would also tell him that before I would agree to joint custody, I would need for both of them to come with me to the local police station to make sure the police have a copy of their fingerprints. If I really thought he might be serious, I would also consider placing a GPS locator in a treasured item of his and/or hers that couldn't be detected easily but would make finding her a cinch if it was ever needed.
 

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. . . . I have told him that he will have joint custody with our daughter and I will not ask him for child support but only that he will continue to pay his mother for babysitting her while we work. . . . .
My advice would be to formalize this matter before a family court. Not that I’m an advocate of escalating matters in a legal sense but a verbal agreement is only as good as the paper it’s written on.

It sounds like you can probably do this without attorneys and legal fees most jurisdictions have assistance programs of some sort. Without regard to the situation between you and the father, you need to primarily be concerned with the long term care and support of the child you both brought into this world.
 

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Read some of your old posts. Sounds very complicated... Can you see now that it was a mistake to rebound to OM before you healed from the marital breakup?

Anyway, I think you should change your screen-name. We are all human and make mistakes, but you are not "hopeless"! Think positive and call yourself by that name. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
It's always painful to go through something like this even if it is for the best. You'll get through this, and we'll be here to lean on a bit as you're getting there.

One thing I'll mention. You said that he has threatened to take your daughter. Although most threats like that are nothing more than hot air, they should ALL be taken seriously. He is letting you know that such thoughts are in his mind and that he thinks he is capable of it. So even though you're looking at joint custody, this wouldn't prevent him from taking your daughter. To ensure as much safety as you can, I would make sure that I had his social security number in my possession. I would also tell him that before I would agree to joint custody, I would need for both of them to come with me to the local police station to make sure the police have a copy of their fingerprints. If I really thought he might be serious, I would also consider placing a GPS locator in a treasured item of his and/or hers that couldn't be detected easily but would make finding her a cinch if it was ever needed.
Thank you Kathy. You're always an encourager!

As for taking our daughter, this was his response to my suggestion that he move on from a relationship with me, "No, I don't want to leave you but if you force me to do so, then I will be taking the baby also." This does scare me a little because his mother is the babysitter. I do love that his mother is her sitter, because she adores her and take very good care of her. However I can see him moving in with his mother, and then the situation unfolding like this when I come to pick her up every evening: "why take her home with you, just to bring her right back in the morning? Why not let her just stay here with me until the weekend?"

Anyway I have his social and I have her prints. I just don't have his, so I will ask that he provide that. I guess he doesn't have to cooperate, though, right? And the court still might give joint custody. I don't mind joint custody at all, because it is not his idea to be separated from her, so that doesn't seem fair to him. He really is a very good father and does everything for her that I do; bathing, changing, feeding, playing with her, getting up with her in the night if she cries. I actually feel bad that he won't get to be with her everyday anymore.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
My advice would be to formalize this matter before a family court. Not that I’m an advocate of escalating matters in a legal sense but a verbal agreement is only as good as the paper it’s written on.

It sounds like you can probably do this without attorneys and legal fees most jurisdictions have assistance programs of some sort. Without regard to the situation between you and the father, you need to primarily be concerned with the long term care and support of the child you both brought into this world.
Thanks SpinDaddy. We are going to formalize custody through the court. I'm not sure how we will need to handle support, because it would be whatever he pays for babysitting. I don't know if they will accept that or if they need a set amount that he would have to pay through the court, which wouldn't work for us since he pays his mother.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Read some of your old posts. Sounds very complicated... Can you see now that it was a mistake to rebound to OM before you healed from the marital breakup?

Anyway, I think you should change your screen-name. We are all human and make mistakes, but you are not "hopeless"! Think positive and call yourself by that name. :)
Blonde, thanks for your response. Yes, I see that was a colossal (sp?) mess up, as well as letting him move in with me, getting pregnant, getting involved with XH again, practically every thing I have done since divorce was just totally messed up (except I didn't want to bring a child into this situation, but I'm SO glad she is here, she brings me much joy and happiness.)

Thanks for the suggestion of the name change too. I will try to find out how to do that.
 
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