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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
When my wife is ticked, she'll grunt, groan and randomly cuss while slamming things. I'm more used to the cold shoulder thing with past gfs, so this thing definitely creeps me out. Her mom is up there on the crazy scale which concerns me.

For that matter, how does your wife act when she's angry? What works to calm her down? or do you just let her work through the feelings?
 

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Cold shoulder -> it's a delayed explosion. Like packing as much dynamite as she can in one room, and then sets it all ablaze once it gets full. As a result I learnt how to blow up these explosives myself - one by one. Controlled explosions if you like, that way I can maintain some sanity during our fights. It's a toxic dynamic that my wife and I have identified, owned up to, and are working to change.
 

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I'm over acting like a child. When I'm angry I simply say "I'm angry because............." and then we talk about it.

Took years of therapy to learn how to do this cause I have a crazy mom/dad too. Before therapy I was a door slamming, cold shoulder, cussing, cut you off, mean kinda wife.
 

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Usually I just state that I'm angry.

When I'm really really angry.. which is very seldom I might yell. That's after all else fails.

It's not your job to calm her down. It's her job to calm herself down.

Did you wife act like this before you married her?
 

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My wife will just get angry and go out for a walk to cool down. I have never heard her utter a swear word or closer to it. Now, one time she was so frustrated (not at me, her computer) she punched me. Fortunately she hits like a girl and I hardly knew it.
 

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I can't remember the last time my wife was mad enough to do any of that. If something is bothering her, she tells me.
 

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I am (was) this girl... I would slam cabinets and doors, and throw pillows, anything I think I can get away with without breaking anything... Have you pointed this out to her? When she's not angry... My husband had to sit me down and make me realize how crazy it was, how crazy it looked, and what kind of example it was setting for our daughter. I'm working on it. After nearly two years I have mostly fixed this. I'm still guilty of slamming the occasional door, but that's nothing compared to the tantrums I use to throw.
 

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Oh boy... my family has always said I should have been born a redhead. I have the fiery temper and I lash out with my tongue...when REALLY mad. If I am just "a little mad", I tend to do the silent treatment. But I rarely even do that now... not toward my husband or kids, anyway. As for swearing.... I don't say any words I don't normally say... but no slamming things or throwing them either.
 

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I am (was) this girl... I would slam cabinets and doors, and throw pillows, anything I think I can get away with without breaking anything... Have you pointed this out to her? When she's not angry... My husband had to sit me down and make me realize how crazy it was, how crazy it looked, and what kind of example it was setting for our daughter. I'm working on it. After nearly two years I have mostly fixed this. I'm still guilty of slamming the occasional door, but that's nothing compared to the tantrums I use to throw.
It would be good to video someone throwing a tantrum like that and play it back the next day. Seems like a great way to change that habit.
 

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Not necessarily. It could just as easily backfire on the person recording.
Back in my old rage filled days I probably would have punished my husband had he filmed me during one of my tantrums AND I would have never forgiven him for that.

I don't see how being humiliated brings about positive change in anyone.

My rage came from childhood abuse so all videotaping would have accomplished would be to make me feel more shame than I already did. Yes this problem needed to be addressed yes but not by filming me.
 

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I think it would have helped me come to my senses to see the recording, but if I saw my H with the camera he would have had something thrown at him... Talking is best if she will listen. I would be as far away as possible when she's angry though. Nothing you say or do will help until she's calmed down.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thanks for the replies - definitely gives me some perspective.

I used to the subscribe to the philosophy of "training" the wife, ie putting your foot down and saying something is not acceptable, but it quickly backfired and I realized with some people this absolutely does not work. My wife is the rebellious type, which meant that trying to sit her down to talk about things in the past didn't work all that well. She said my constant complaints about her behavior is nagging, so I decided at some point not to bring it up anymore. Nothing else had worked up to this point, so I thought I'd give it a try and see what happens.

A few days ago after a fight, I didn't want to sleep in the bedroom so I went out and slept on the floor in the living room. After her shower she had seen that I had fallen asleep in the living room and was really angry because she had planned on doing so herself. She woke me up by kicking me in the ribs pretty hard three times. Luckily, since she's tiny, it didn't hurt a whole lot although I definitely felt it. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction that it bothered me so I faked it and continued sleeping.

A couple days ago, we were in a different city in a different country vacationing (it's just a bit of a drive from a US city where we live). We didn't anticipate that our 3G would cut out, and since we were using our apple devices to navigate, we were sort of lost. Long story short, we had to look up directions to get to our anniversary dinner at a bookstore using a paper map. I insisted we go because well, it was our anniversary and I didn't want to give up our plans just because we couldn't find the place. Besides, I figured it wouldn't be THAT hard to figure out. At the bookstore though, I started to get annoyed with her because she couldn't decide what she wanted to do. I blurted out that she should stop being annoying, which really set her off for the night (looking back, I agree it was a really rotten thing of me to say even with all the tension and stuff). Luckily, while she was really angry about that, we got to the restaurant without much trouble and had a great dinner. Following that though, back at the apartment, she started getting really angry again and started slamming stuff again while in the bathroom. Something got into me and I just got really emotional and upset myself so I grabbed my luggage and started packing stuff really quickly. I left before she got out of the bathroom and texted her saying apologizing and saying I was sorry but it was over.

At this point I should note that over the last couple of years I have completely restrained myself from responding in this way (I did this when we were dating - the whole leaving when things got bad). I wanted to give her stability and I didn't want to be a coward so I'd always stay no matter how bad things got. I'm not sure if this emboldened her to become more abusive and aggressive, but she definitely has no improved in this regard over time. I also didn't do it because we were in a small town and she had no one there except for me. Here in the city, at least she has some family (as do I).

Anyway, I left and went to my parents place and she called me before I got into the house. Mostly driven by her fear of "elders" asking us questions of what happened, she begged me to come back. In a 40 minute conversation I had with her, I explained that something absolutely has to change and that before I come back we need to have a definite plan to change things. While she disagreed to attending anger management classes on the grounds that she doesn't want to be seen as someone who is "sick," she agreed to have daily conversations with me about what made her angry and happy that same day (I'd do the same). This was enough for me because I just wanted to open lines of communication in our relationship.

Since then, we haven't fought and she has been nicer to me. I think the real test will come when she gets angry again. I'm working on being a better husband by trying to be more thoughtful and putting a leash on my tongue as well. I think ultimately there needs to be more restraint on my end of saying things that might hurt her feelings, and more anger management on her side.

Please let me know what you guys think about what I just wrote and feel free to ask for more details. I'm so thankful for this forum and its members...I feel like every couple should participate in something like this. All couples have problems at some point and need some support from other people!
 
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