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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So the saga continues as I watch my ex-wife rewrite history...I just went from being a “good father for the girls” to “world’s greatest deadbeat dad.”
(whaaaaaaaaa?????)

So…questions…

How did they do it? How did it make your feel?

When did it stop? Did they ever figure out they did it?

Were the rewrites you got as ridiculous as the ones I get from my ex?

I’m just wondering how many others have had this done to them, how common it is, and some examples.

I know for myself it gnaws away at me a little because I know I am not this person they think I am. I often find myself wondering if my ex EVER saw me for what I am and if it was a mistake on her part or if it was her responding to unmet childhood needs?
Its fascinating to watch, if not a bit bothersome because I wonder how much of that leaks out into my kids lives.
 
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My ex rewrote history while I was still married to him.

At the time, it was frustrating...now, its irrelevant.

I doubted it ever stopped or ever will.

I don't get any personal email from my ex that isn't related to parenting issues. The only one I ever received, I forwarded to my lawyer and warned him that I would be forwarding anything I considered harassment to the police department. That was the last non-parenting email I ever received.

If he emails me with parenting issues, I'm very polite and give short, clear answers. Otherwise, I'm not interested in his opinion...it has zero bearing on my existence.

I think it affects the children when they're younger but my girls are both getting older. My concern is being the best mom I can be and parenting by good example. My girls have gotten to the stage when they can barely not roll their eyes when talking about their father. Its a shame and I never sink to his level and bash him but his behavior is alienating the children to a certain degree.

I think you should limit communication to parenting...and RELEVANT parenting...not her opinion but questions or facts to provide information about co-parenting issues only.

My question to you is ...'why do you still care what she thinks or says?'

When you really move on...you won't care about any of this type of stuff. Keep working at distancing and detaching yourself and this won't be an issue anymore.
 

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Yes I was always the bad person because I wanted out of a emotionally abusive loveless relationship. It was my fault that our daughter did not want to live with him and it was my fault that I was not moping around everyday.
 

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Yes I was always the bad person because I wanted out of a emotionally abusive loveless relationship. It was my fault that our daughter did not want to live with him and it was my fault that I was not moping around everyday
Getting divorced is about recognizing that the argument you had 1000 times and never got resolved is really, really never going to get resolved and you just don't care anymore.

Its about accepting that you never were never heard and but you're ok with it and don't give a crap anymore because the only person that needed to know and understand your side was you.

I consider myself very successfully divorced and the reason why is that I surgically removed my ex from my life. He was a cancer and I removed every single abnormal cell from an emotional standpoint very early on in the separation process. I strictly limit contact with him to only important parenting issues which means I maybe have one, one-line email from him every couple of months. Aside from knowing where he lives because I drop kids there, I know nothing about him....zero. And I can honestly say, I'm not even in the least bit curious...in fact, hearing anything about him even accidently from my kids makes me feel uncomfortable and I change the subject immediately. Its his life...he can do whatever he wants with it.

My concern is to be a good mom and a good wife to my new husband and use the past as a learning experience...not an ongoing legacy. Seriously, who gives a rat's ass what their ex thinks about them?
 

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Oh, you mean does my ex lie? Why yes, yes he does.

I refuse to hear anymore about the divorce from him. I ended it after discovering his serial cheating. I know shortly after he moved out he told a couple of friends he had been unhappy for some time and decided to end it. I made no effort to correct him. I just didn't care and by then I just expected more lies.

I wish it wasn't that way for the kids. I tell them the truth, and I don't bad mouth him. They know what he's doing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 · (Edited)
No, I mean do they rewrite things to suit their history.

Over the course of the years she has made changes every few months that eventually look nothing like what actually happened.
It matters because she tells my kids this crap too.

Silly example:

3 months: He forgot to give me 20 dollars for gas one day.
6 months: Oh your dad bounced a check once.
12 months: Oh your dad wasnt always responsible with money.
18 months: Oh your dad couldnt handle the money.
24 months: Oh he almost bankrupted us.
30 Months: Im surprised he has a house to live in at all with his gambling problems. ( I gave the kids scratch tickets in their stockings!!!)
36 months: Your dad must work for the mafia to have any money at all.


It just keeps getting thicker and thicker and she does this with the divorce, pre-divorce and post divorce.

It makes me crazy because the kids ask me and I tell them waht "I think happened" and they go "Wow, thats not what mom said."

I understand moving on etc...Im just wanting to hear from other people about how common this behavior is and if it ever gets better or goes away.

Research...and personal interest.
Because if I cant stay out of it, I might as well learn something.

Signed
SamuraiJack
Intenational Bank Robber, All around black hat, and member of the Evil League of Evil since 2011.
 

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I would have to say that the marital history was rewritten constantly over 22 years. I never knew which way was up. The quick sand was everywhere.
 

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Maybe the lies they tell themselves eventually loose their power of believability and they have to come up with new ones.

Remember sir, you cannot reason with crazy people.




If I overstayed my welcome, just tap me on the head.
 

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Getting divorced is about recognizing that the argument you had 1000 times and never got resolved is really, really never going to get resolved and you just don't care anymore.

Its about accepting that you never were never heard and but you're ok with it and don't give a crap anymore because the only person that needed to know and understand your side was you.

I consider myself very successfully divorced and the reason why is that I surgically removed my ex from my life. He was a cancer and I removed every single abnormal cell from an emotional standpoint very early on in the separation process. I strictly limit contact with him to only important parenting issues which means I maybe have one, one-line email from him every couple of months. Aside from knowing where he lives because I drop kids there, I know nothing about him....zero. And I can honestly say, I'm not even in the least bit curious...in fact, hearing anything about him even accidently from my kids makes me feel uncomfortable and I change the subject immediately. Its his life...he can do whatever he wants with it.

My concern is to be a good mom and a good wife to my new husband and use the past as a learning experience...not an ongoing legacy. Seriously, who gives a rat's ass what their ex thinks about them?
It seems a lot of bad blood went on between you and your Ex, may i ask why did you too get divorced?
 

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Everyone re-writes history. That's just the way humans are wired.

Organic memories change over time, ever so slightly, until it's more like an urban legend.

Ever hear the expression "History is written by the winners?"
It's true.

Eventually you will care less and less. People that hear the stories from her, as they continue to change, will care less and less. No matter what your kids hear from her...they will get to a point where they have to reconcile what they observe from you over the years with what she says. Guess what they'll believe
 

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It seems a lot of bad blood went on between you and your Ex, may i ask why did you too get divorced?
I got married very young...long before I realized anything about compatibility factors and certainly before I knew what I required to be fulfilled and happy.

I certainly don't blame every failure of my marriage on my ex. I was really just the wrong person for him. And I definitely don't hate him or wish him ill will. I simply feel very indifferent about him and that started long before we got separated. I'm not sure my ex ever feels anything real, I think he may have some type of emotional disorder...and I got to the same point in that I just couldn't even pretend to care about him anymore.

The reason I got divorced is because I became completely independent and got to the point where I realized I could do a whole lot better at just about everything on my own. I could be a better parent, could be more successful in my career, etc. Plus I got sick of the lack of intimacy. I had no one to talk to and no emotional relationship with my ex. Obviously that led to me never wanting to be near him sexually either...I considered it sex another chore and a waste of my time. Which is completely the antithesis of who and how I actually am. We slept in separate master suites for the last 12 years of our marriage.

If it sounds like I have bad blood with my ex...that wasn't my wish initially...I truly wanted an amicable divorce but he made it into a war. If you ever truly want to know who someone is, divorce them. Once I realized how truly messed up and toxic my ex was, it was an easy, guilt-free decision to extract him completely from my life.

Funny enough...both my new husband and I met when we were separated and I watched how kind he was in the treatment of his then stbx wife. Its one of the reasons I came to trust who he was in the beginning of our relationship.

I think if you can manage to have an amicable divorce, you're very, very lucky. I just didn't have that kind of ex unfortunately.
 

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I understand moving on etc...Im just wanting to hear from other people about how common this behavior is and if it ever gets better or goes away.
I'd say no...its not going to get better, as in, she's not going to change...that's why you divorced her. She's clearly got a habit of validating by changing the facts to fit her perspective.

But what will happen is that your children are going to eventually realize what's going on. Kids are smart...they're amazing actually. They watch their parents in ways they don't watch other people and they catch credibility lapses once they hit a certain age.

Just ignore her and have faith. Be a good parent and eventually the kids will start standing up to her and pointing out the inconsistencies in her story. Believe me, when it happens, its pretty amusing.
 

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No, I mean do they rewrite things to suit their history.

Over the course of the years she has made changes every few months that eventually look nothing like what actually happened.
It matters because she tells my kids this crap too.

Silly example:

3 months: He forgot to give me 20 dollars for gas one day.
6 months: Oh your dad bounced a check once.
12 months: Oh your dad wasnt always responsible with money.
18 months: Oh your dad couldnt handle the money.
24 months: Oh he almost bankrupted us.
30 Months: Im surprised he has a house to live in at all with his gambling problems. ( I gave the kids scratch tickets in their stockings!!!)
36 months: Your dad must work for the mafia to have any money at all.


It just keeps getting thicker and thicker and she does this with the divorce, pre-divorce and post divorce.

It makes me crazy because the kids ask me and I tell them waht "I think happened" and they go "Wow, thats not what mom said."

I understand moving on etc...Im just wanting to hear from other people about how common this behavior is and if it ever gets better or goes away.

Research...and personal interest.
Because if I cant stay out of it, I might as well learn something.

Signed
SamuraiJack
Intenational Bank Robber, All around black hat, and member of the Evil League of Evil since 2011.
My stbx has taken the re-write to new levels as time goes on. The story must grow larger and more unbelievable so they can continue to get anyone to listen to them.

Im not divorced yet but after 2+ years of no contact and of hearing "tall tales" they just seem to grow and grow. They do seem to get to a point of utter ridiculous and no one believes them.

Most people love hearing gossip but as with most gossip it rarely have much firm ground in reality becomes old quick so it needs a re-write and embellishment.

one of my favorites that is still going and growing larger yet
stbx lost job (fired)

stbx tells world corporate restructuring

stbx starts telling world I forced her to quit stay at home and take care of dogs full time

stbx starts telling world I degraded her by forcing her to take a demeaning part-time job after 3 years of unemployment

stbx starts telling the world I forced her to take job to earn money to support my "porn addiction" because even though I made many times more than her she supported me.

stbx then changes storyline to I forced her to quit her job because I forced her to make porn videos and I was making thousands of dollars each month of royalites and not giving her any.

My legend grows......:lol::lol:

So from the most controlling, manipulative, sex addicted monster on the planet to the international bank robber member of the evil league, you will eventually start to see the humor in the stories.
 
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My ex made Leni Reifenstahl look like a piker. All throughout our marriage, but especially near the end she had me convinced that I was the one who couldn't move outside my comfort zone. In the 20/20 of hindsight, I have come to realize that she was the one who couldn't step outside of her comfort zone. If things weren't 100% the way she wanted it was all I ever heard about. If I offered the slightest bit of resistance or objection I was just being bitter and angry. As I have said I have come to realize the lies she told herself to protect the illusions she created. Screw it! I don't have time for it nor do I care any longer. She can have her charade. I will live my life!
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Oh I see the humor in it all.
Its also sort of sad in a way because you can watch them basically write you out of their life.
Whereas I was once the great guy I am ( yeah I have my bad points too...) now I am slowly being turned in to something I dont recognize.

Sorta like Jeff Golblum in the Fly...
Except that my ex wife isnt Gina Davis...
She's the mutation!!...;)

Amusing, entertaining and not very flattering...;)

 
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Oh I see the humor in it all.
Its also sort of sad in a way because you can watch them basically write you out of their life.
Whereas I was once the great guy I am ( yeah I have my bad points too...) now I am slowly being turned in to something I dont recognize.

Sorta like Jeff Golblum in the Fly...
Except that my ex wife isnt Gina Davis...
She's the mutation!!...;)

Amusing, entertaining and not very flattering...;)

Gotcha 100%. Sometimes i feel like my W and i were in different marriages, by the way she talks and expresses herself regarding me and the M.
 

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I got married very young...long before I realized anything about compatibility factors and certainly before I knew what I required to be fulfilled and happy.

I certainly don't blame every failure of my marriage on my ex. I was really just the wrong person for him. And I definitely don't hate him or wish him ill will. I simply feel very indifferent about him and that started long before we got separated. I'm not sure my ex ever feels anything real, I think he may have some type of emotional disorder...and I got to the same point in that I just couldn't even pretend to care about him anymore.

The reason I got divorced is because I became completely independent and got to the point where I realized I could do a whole lot better at just about everything on my own. I could be a better parent, could be more successful in my career, etc. Plus I got sick of the lack of intimacy. I had no one to talk to and no emotional relationship with my ex. Obviously that led to me never wanting to be near him sexually either...I considered it sex another chore and a waste of my time. Which is completely the antithesis of who and how I actually am. We slept in separate master suites for the last 12 years of our marriage.

If it sounds like I have bad blood with my ex...that wasn't my wish initially...I truly wanted an amicable divorce but he made it into a war. If you ever truly want to know who someone is, divorce them. Once I realized how truly messed up and toxic my ex was, it was an easy, guilt-free decision to extract him completely from my life.

Funny enough...both my new husband and I met when we were separated and I watched how kind he was in the treatment of his then stbx wife. Its one of the reasons I came to trust who he was in the beginning of our relationship.

I think if you can manage to have an amicable divorce, you're very, very lucky. I just didn't have that kind of ex unfortunately.
Gotcha. I know what you mean about getting to know someone by divorcing them, D brings out the worst in some people. In adversity we see somebody's true carácter.
 

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Defintely. My x was a master of this and did it through two of her marriages. Seriously she should teach classes on how to turn her own bad behavior into the victim role.

That said she cried wolf one to many time and now no one believes her. Well her mother who role modeled this behavior does but no one of any real consequence.

And yes I found this very very infuriating. I hated being accused of stuff that I never did... Like being controlling or angry all the time or whatever. When you have something you think is good and then see it rewritten you come to a conclusion quickly what was important to you wasn't to her.... That hurts a lot.
 

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Defintely. My x was a master of this and did it through two of her marriages. Seriously she should teach classes on how to turn her own bad behavior into the victim role.

That said she cried wolf one to many time and now no one believes her. Well her mother who role modeled this behavior does but no one of any real consequence.

And yes I found this very very infuriating. I hated being accused of stuff that I never did... Like being controlling or angry all the time or whatever. When you have something you think is good and then see it rewritten you come to a conclusion quickly what was important to you wasn't to her.... That hurts a lot.
I know, it's like you lived a lie, what you thought was a good M turns out was a miserable experience for her. You have to remember when people leave M they have to justify their decisions, so rewritting M history seems to go in hand, heck, if it was all good how come they left?
 

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Oh I see the humor in it all.
Its also sort of sad in a way because you can watch them basically write you out of their life.
Whereas I was once the great guy I am ( yeah I have my bad points too...) now I am slowly being turned in to something I dont recognize.

Sorta like Jeff Golblum in the Fly...
Except that my ex wife isnt Gina Davis...
She's the mutation!!...

Amusing, entertaining and not very flattering...
Alienating children against the other parent after divorce is always such a foolish thing to do and always ends up backfiring on the alienator.

Just let her lie her ass off and take the high road. I know its hard to do...I have my moments too. But I just remind myself that my kids deserve to have one decent parent and it really has paid off (took a while but it does work).

Sorry you're dealing with this. It just sucks to be trashed to your kids.
 
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