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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So something happened today and I really need an outside opinion.

Wife and I are getting divorced. Pretty far along in the process. Today we spoke and between the two of us decided we would go to counseling and talk to someone. To see if maybe there was a way to fix it. We have two young kids.

So we were having a nice day. Texting a lot, sending pictures of the kids and having a nice conversation. Agreed to go see a movie together as a family with the kids.

So last night she went out with friends and got back at 3 in the morning. So, I asked her, "Who did you hang out with last night." Not trying to be controlling or whatever just asking like hey what did you do last. Well she flipped out. Said, you have gone out during the past month and you never tell me and now I have to tell you. So I told her, hey we weren't talking to each other this mornth and we are making an effort now, I am just asking you bc I am trying to talk to you. She continued on, still very mad, and then I said, the fact that you are so angry and being so defensive, is really shady. So she went on about how, I have no right to ask her and all this stuff and how I wouldn't tell her what I had been doing. So I said, hung with friends from work, did this and that, didn't go on any dates or anything like that. So after this I got suspicious.

So, I checked our phone records and saw a number. This number apparently texts all the time. One day I saw it was up to 35 times in a day and it belongs to some guy. They text late at night and its pretty much every day. It was the last text she got before she went out last night. She eventually told me she went out with friends. Then went on and on about how I am showing who I really am and this is another example of how I treat her badly. How she can't be with me and we can't go to counseling.

Does this not sound suspicious to anyone else? Was I wrong to ask what she did last night? Was her reaction not overblown? And i think she never was committed to making this work if now all of a sudden we can't go to counseling. But of course its all my fault and I did this. What do you guys think?
 

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Heck yeah!! Switch the genders and you'd be telling my story. He had dozens of late-night texts and phone calls to some woman and yelled at me for daring to ask about it! Told him to stop and he said he did, but the phone records said otherwise. Do I believe they had something going on? Don't know, decided I don't care - I asked for a divorce, as this was only one of many things that's happened over the years. Like the other guy said, just keep on keeping on with your divorce.
 

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It has all the classic signs of being something. I agree that something is going on and really the only way to find out for sure would be to see the texts and or confirm by seeing them meet up. Honestly though, once this process starts it pretty much only re-affirms the need for divorce. If you feel strongly enough that something is happening is it really worth it to try and fight the other dude off? I know that I would walk away, no woman is worth humiliating myself by being "that guy."
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
It has all the classic signs of being something. I agree that something is going on and really the only way to find out for sure would be to see the texts and or confirm by seeing them meet up. Honestly though, once this process starts it pretty much only re-affirms the need for divorce. If you feel strongly enough that something is happening is it really worth it to try and fight the other dude off? I know that I would walk away, no woman is worth humiliating myself by being "that guy."
Yeah, thats the thing, for the first couple hours I was pretty upset about it. Still am to be honest. But, what does it matter. I went back and forth on whether or not to see the texts or really confront her about it. I made a comment to her today, just to let her know I know. Just to let her know that she isn't as slick as she thinks it is. So now she knows I know. I'm not going to pursue it any further, all it did was cement the divorce in my mind. And honestly at this point what does it matter. I countered the offer her attorney made and told her I want to be out of here by the end of the month. Its time for me to move on and I am OK with it. I know i'll have my up and down days, but something out there is better and I will find it.
 

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Sounds like an exit affair, it won't last but at least it will be fun until it falls apart.

At this point keep going through with the divorce and let the dust settle for a while. You may find dating her but not living with her suits you better than this. You obviously still love her so if you do love her let her go and be supportive on her finding happiness..... she might just find you interesting and challenging for doing so.
 

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Not interested. There will be no circle back. This is done
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I agree about no circle back. I for one, once I file that's it for me. I will not ever go back. And that day is coming real soon. My STBXH has done the same as your wife. The secret texts, phone calls, coming home late and refusing to say where he's been. Getting defensive and trying to turn it around on me when I confront him. Meeting up with his "friends" behind my back ie: not letting me. The whole kabang. Its not right, and its not a marriage.

Bottom line is, if their marriage REALLY meant something to them, they'd dump the bimbos/guys, and concentrate on you and making it better. They would redeem themselves of all of the terrible things they did to hurt you. And they would be open and truthful.

Doesn't sound like she's committed to trying, IMO. Same as my STBXH.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Well that is exactly it...they don't care. For the past year I've told her I felt like we were drifting apart. Told her I missed texting while I was at work and missed her. She started running 5k races so I did too thinking it would give us something to bond over but she didn't care. She was a SAHM and would be pissed off or agitated everyday when I got home from work. No kiss hello no hug, like I wasn't even there. J would tell her " please try and be in a good mood, I'm excited to be home, excited to see you and the kids, and you being in this mood everyday really brings me down. She did nothing different same deal pretty much everyday. She stopped messing around or even when we did it was awful. Just going through the motions with no love. Just such a terrible feeling. Made me feel so low and unloved. She wouldn't text me during the day or would hardly respond, but she can text the new guy 30-40 times a day???

I guess the part I struggle with is feeling I didnt deserve this. I married my wife, started a family, bought a house, worked my tail off so she could stay home for 5 years with the kids, bought her little gifts here and there to show my appreciation and how much I loved her and she never valued any of it. I tried to be there emotionally, was always willing to talk but guess it was too little too late. In the end I think she was just unhappy with her life. And that became resentment. Her and I would fight a lot. She was always stressed out about being home with the kids and not having any friends. And instead of fixing it she blamed me for it. I was the reason for her unhappiness. I was the reason why her life was so sad and terrible. I was the reason she didn't go to grad school or have friends or whatever the problem of the day was. The whole situation makes me sad especially for our kids bc they are so happy and have such a nice life, but there isn't anything that can be done. I know in my heart when they ask I can tell them I did everything I could to stay a family.
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
SO haven't posted in a while...here goes...We are 19 days out from mediation, so this is pretty much all wrapped up. We have talked and talked about counseling and reconciliation, but somehow never manage to get there. She decided that she wanted to call off the divorce and work off things. So i said OK and a few days later we went to dinner. Last night at dinner she tells me she wants to quit her job to be a stay at home mom again. When I tell her "No" she flips out. Tells me I am an f'ing liar. That I am stupid, and is just completely awful to me. Because we are "trying" to fix the marriage, she doesn't understand why she can't quit and have everything back to "normal." Mind you normal doesn't mean us having sex or hanging out or messing around. She says we still need counseling for that. But we don't need counseling for her to stop working.

She tells me at dinner that if she still has to work, then why does it matter if we are together or not. That everything would just be the same. So basically, that is all I am. A paycheck and built in baby sitter. So I tell her I am done. Completely done. I won't entertain R anymore. I am only 19 days away from this being done and its too late now.

My question to everyone is how do the kids handle this? It has been the thing i've dread since it started. I am scared for them. I am scared for me. But I am worth more than just a pay check.
 

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Well that is exactly it...they don't care. For the past year I've told her I felt like we were drifting apart. Told her I missed texting while I was at work and missed her. She started running 5k races so I did too thinking it would give us something to bond over but she didn't care. She was a SAHM and would be pissed off or agitated everyday when I got home from work. No kiss hello no hug, like I wasn't even there. J would tell her " please try and be in a good mood, I'm excited to be home, excited to see you and the kids, and you being in this mood everyday really brings me down. She did nothing different same deal pretty much everyday. She stopped messing around or even when we did it was awful. Just going through the motions with no love. Just such a terrible feeling. Made me feel so low and unloved. She wouldn't text me during the day or would hardly respond, but she can text the new guy 30-40 times a day???

I guess the part I struggle with is feeling I didnt deserve this. I married my wife, started a family, bought a house, worked my tail off so she could stay home for 5 years with the kids, bought her little gifts here and there to show my appreciation and how much I loved her and she never valued any of it. I tried to be there emotionally, was always willing to talk but guess it was too little too late. In the end I think she was just unhappy with her life. And that became resentment. Her and I would fight a lot. She was always stressed out about being home with the kids and not having any friends. And instead of fixing it she blamed me for it. I was the reason for her unhappiness. I was the reason why her life was so sad and terrible. I was the reason she didn't go to grad school or have friends or whatever the problem of the day was. The whole situation makes me sad especially for our kids bc they are so happy and have such a nice life, but there isn't anything that can be done. I know in my heart when they ask I can tell them I did everything I could to stay a family.
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Just for your information, you should look through old cell records to see how long her texting friend has been around. I'm guessing you are going to see some amazing coincidences. Also , explains why she doesn't want sex etc. Looks like she needs your paycheck though.
 
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