Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
328 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
When people say "My spouse moved out" or we are seperated and he/she needed time or space to deal with the situation or they needed to give me space to think about what to do....

Isnt this just an easy excuse for the cheater to continue doing dirt? Maybe making the affair partner feel some type of WAY because he/she left the family HOME to be more accessible to the affair? Maybe making the betrayed spouse think time apart is doing their relationship well. Yet, the cheater has a place away from family and affair partner BUT still going over to family home like they want to make things the way they were; but leaving there knowing they are about to get it on with the affair partner? Moving out only makes it easier to do now that the cheater is away from family right?

I think if a person is cheating - not being able to resist temptation and saying NO I'm married means they arent discipline, or trying to justify or cake eating-- so if the person isnt discipline on resisting, how can they move out and resist not taking advantage of having a place alone to continue the dirt??? I hope this doesnt offend anyone. I just really wondered about this.....

Any thoughts?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
423 Posts
I think if the cheater asks to move out, then, yes, that is a sign that they are wanting to continue the affair and it gives them more access to do so.

In my case though, my husband told me to move out when he found out about my affair. I moved in with my parents. I did not want to leave the house and I did not want to continue my affair, but I left because he told me to and I felt he had a right to do so after what I had done. But I had NC with my AP since DDay. I was back at my house anytime my husband allowed me to be, and 2 months later, when he told me I could move back home, I was thrilled.

So my point is, I think it depends on who has requested the move -the BS or the WS. If it's the BS, then the WS doesn't have a whole lot of choice but to leave like they're told. If it's the WS saying they need time to think, then I would 100% expect that means they are continuing their affair and want more privacy to do so.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
882 Posts
When people say "My spouse moved out" or we are seperated and he/she needed time or space to deal with the situation or they needed to give me space to think about what to do....

Isnt this just an easy excuse for the cheater to continue doing dirt? Maybe making the affair partner feel some type of WAY because he/she left the family HOME to be more accessible to the affair? Maybe making the betrayed spouse think time apart is doing their relationship well. Yet, the cheater has a place away from family and affair partner BUT still going over to family home like they want to make things the way they were; but leaving there knowing they are about to get it on with the affair partner? Moving out only makes it easier to do now that the cheater is away from family right?

I think if a person is cheating - not being able to resist temptation and saying NO I'm married means they arent discipline, or trying to justify or cake eating-- so if the person isnt discipline on resisting, how can they move out and resist not taking advantage of having a place alone to continue the dirt??? I hope this doesnt offend anyone. I just really wondered about this.....

Any thoughts?

There are many types of separation. Trial separation - where you see what living apart means and have a chance to "cool off".

Then there are separations because the cheating has NOT stopped. Why would you NOT separate in this case?

Then there are the separations (like mine) where you have tried everything and nothing worked. So it's a necessary step towards divorce with a very, very slim possibility of reconciling down the road (but nobody holds their breath). My wife can't come into our home (where I live, but it's joint ownership) without prior notice and my permission. She can't just show up. We share custody. Our lives (except for the kids) are separate. My wife (whose PA was long over when we separated) may be dating and sleeping with other men. I don't know. I don't ask. I don't care. The separation has actually made her a better mother. Lately, we can actually talk and be in the same room without me getting angry at her lies.

So no offense taken, but I think you have a specific view of separation when there are actually many types.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
328 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
There are many types of separation. Trial separation - where you see what living apart means and have a chance to "cool off".

Then there are separations because the cheating has NOT stopped. Why would you NOT separate in this case?

Then there are the separations (like mine) where you have tried everything and nothing worked. So it's a necessary step towards divorce with a very, very slim possibility of reconciling down the road (but nobody holds their breath). My wife can't come into our home (where I live, but it's joint ownership) without prior notice and my permission. She can't just show up. We share custody. Our lives (except for the kids) are separate. My wife (whose PA was long over when we separated) may be dating and sleeping with other men. I don't know. I don't ask. I don't care. The separation has actually made her a better mother. Lately, we can actually talk and be in the same room without me getting angry at her lies.

So no offense taken, but I think you have a specific view of separation when there are actually many types.

Yes, thank you there are many types
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
882 Posts
I think if the cheater asks to move out, then, yes, that is a sign that they are wanting to continue the affair and it gives them more access to do so.

In my case though, my husband told me to move out when he found out about my affair. I moved in with my parents. I did not want to leave the house and I did not want to continue my affair, but I left because he told me to and I felt he had a right to do so after what I had done. But I had NC with my AP since DDay. I was back at my house anytime my husband allowed me to be, and 2 months later, when he told me I could move back home, I was thrilled.

So my point is, I think it depends on who has requested the move -the BS or the WS. If it's the BS, then the WS doesn't have a whole lot of choice but to leave like they're told. If it's the WS saying they need time to think, then I would 100% expect that means they are continuing their affair and want more privacy to do so.
I bolded the part that is so important. In my case, at first my stbxw wanted to live in our house, separated. As I said - our house is joint ownership - so she COULD have stayed, legally. At first, she was quite angry at being asked to leave our home. But after a couple weeks of reflection, she came to the same conclusion. She had lost the "moral right" (for lack of a better term), to stay in our home. So she found her own condo/apartment. We split household maintenance (because our home is a shared asset) - but in reality - I am still doing the "sweat equity" to maintain the property - but that's just how I am. I like doing stuff. I helped her fix up her condo (which was NOT suitable for kids when she moved in) - so that our kids could stay every other weekend with her. But she is now having the kids 50% of the time (alternating weeks) and our kids have adapted very well. As I said above, my stbxw has become a far better mother since separating than she was for about 5 years previous.

When we sell our home (which will be sad day, because it is our dream house) - we will split the proceeds right down the middle.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
423 Posts
As I said - our house is joint ownership - so she COULD have stayed, legally.
We too are both co-owners of our home, so technically I had to right to stay there as well. But I could not even fathom demanding that right on DDay. DD said he needed space, he needed me to go, and after all the hell I had put him through, I had to at least respect him that much. I made it clear though, from that day on, that I wanted to be in our house with him. I never demanded it though, but I did drive there as fast as I could anytime he gave me the go-ahead.
 
  • Like
Reactions: MattMatt

·
Registered
Joined
·
423 Posts
I can also imagine a repentant wayward being unable to stay in the marital home because every time they saw their BS, they felt overwhelming guilt.
But, if this is the only reason they leave, them I have to feel like they need to just suck it up and deal with it. Sometimes the guilt I feel is totally overwhelming -it will hit me like I've been punched in the stomach. But I have to keep going and be there for my BS, because his feelings are way more important than mine right now.

I think saying, "I can't stay here, because the guilt is so bad," actually seems selfish. At least it does if the BS is wanting the WS there.

It's one thing if they both choose to move for a fresh start -DD and I have discussed this on several occasions, with me pushing for it a little more than he is. I would love to even move to a different city, in hopes of it giving us a bit of a clean slate and to live in a house that OM never set foot in. Financially it would not be the best thing right now, but I've told DD that I'm willing to do what we need to do, if that's what he wants. The ball is in his court though; I will live here or move to a new place, whatever he decides.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
30,643 Posts
But, if this is the only reason they leave, them I have to feel like they need to just suck it up and deal with it. Sometimes the guilt I feel is totally overwhelming -it will hit me like I've been punched in the stomach. But I have to keep going and be there for my BS, because his feelings are way more important than mine right now.

I think saying, "I can't stay here, because the guilt is so bad," actually seems selfish. At least it does if the BS is wanting the WS there.

It's one thing if they both choose to move for a fresh start -DD and I have discussed this on several occasions, with me pushing for it a little more than he is. I would love to even move to a different city, in hopes of it giving us a bit of a clean slate and to live in a house that OM never set foot in. Financially it would not be the best thing right now, but I've told DD that I'm willing to do what we need to do, if that's what he wants. The ball is in his court though; I will live here or move to a new place, whatever he decides.
I can imagine myself feeling so guilty that I would want to run away and hide myself from my BS.
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top