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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been married to my husband for 9 months. We only knew each other for 4 months before we got married so it's a pretty young relationship. I recently caught him emailing an ex and the topic of the conversations was sexual in nature. He initially denied the communication but then admitted it and went on to say he would get turned on by their conversations and masturbate to thoughts of her. Fine, whatever.

What doesn't make sense to me is that he has told me many times how she sucked in bed. She would lay next to him and rub herself off before letting him have sex with her. He said it was miserable. And he said sex with me was great. Why would a man jerk off to thoughts of an ex that sucked in bed instead of porn or his wife who he said he enjoyed in bed?

I asked him and he claimed that he would fantasize about being a better partner in bed. Not a better partner for her, just in general. From day 1 I told him I enjoyed him in bed...so that doesn't make sense to me either.

I'm inclined to believe she did not suck in bed or that maybe I do and he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. And/or some part of him still wishes things had worked out with her.

Thoughts?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I suggest that you look up gaslighting.
I'm aware of gaslighting, I grew up with a narcissist for a mother. Any chance you can be more specific about what part of this you believe is gaslighting though? He is obviously lying, I'm just not sure exactly what part is the lie. I think I'm too close to the situation or maybe I'm being overly sensitive based on the trauma from my past.
 

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Guys don't fap to women who suck in bed. Also, most wives would have a problem with their husband stroking it out to an ex.

As others will probably point out, you've barely known this guy for a year. The truth is you guys just might not be compatible.
 

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I have been married to my husband for 9 months. We only knew each other for 4 months before we got married so it's a pretty young relationship. I recently caught him emailing an ex and the topic of the conversations was sexual in nature. He initially denied the communication but then admitted it and went on to say he would get turned on by their conversations and masturbate to thoughts of her. Fine, whatever.

What doesn't make sense to me is that he has told me many times how she sucked in bed. She would lay next to him and rub herself off before letting him have sex with her. He said it was miserable. And he said sex with me was great. Why would a man jerk off to thoughts of an ex that sucked in bed instead of porn or his wife who he said he enjoyed in bed?

I asked him and he claimed that he would fantasize about being a better partner in bed. Not a better partner for her, just in general. From day 1 I told him I enjoyed him in bed...so that doesn't make sense to me either.

I'm inclined to believe she did not suck in bed or that maybe I do and he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. And/or some part of him still wishes things had worked out with her.

Thoughts?
You've been together barely a year and he has already had an affair. Yes, that is what he has done. "Fine, whatever" is not the appropriate response. That is not a good sign of the future. If you want any hope to salvage your marriage you need to establish clear boundaries and have total transparency with each other. He must go 100% no contact with his ex or any other female unless it is work related. Even then it needs to be 100% professional, nothing personal at all. He needs to give you full access to any and all accounts and devices. He cannot be trusted at this point. Any push back to that from him means he is trying to hide something and nothing should be hidden between spouses, period. That is what has worked for me and my wife of 32 years and we are incredibly happy.


How old are you two and is this the first marriage for both of you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Guys don't fap to women who suck in bed. Also, most wives would have a problem with their husband stroking it out to an ex.

As others will probably point out, you've barely known this guy for a year. The truth is you guys just might not be compatible.
So do you believe his story of fantasizing about being a better sex partner is bs? He says he was (still is) insecure about his performance so he fantasized about being better at sex and she was just on his mind when that happened because she is who he was talking to when he got turned on.

I'm not ok with him thinking about an ex but Google says its not uncommon. However I can't find anything that says it's normal to think about partners who ypu have no feelings about and who sucked in bed. Only normal to think about someone you still wanted to be with on some level or someone who was great in bed.
 

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So do you believe his story of fantasizing about being a better sex partner is bs? He says he was (still is) insecure about his performance so he fantasized about being better at sex and she was just on his mind when that happened because she is who he was talking to when he got turned on.

I'm not ok with him thinking about an ex but Google says its not uncommon. However I can't find anything that says it's normal to think about partners who ypu have no feelings about and who sucked in bed. Only normal to think about someone you still wanted to be with on some level or someone who was great in bed.
Total BS. Besides, let's say for a second he's telling the truth. Then that means he was fantasizing about REALLY banging the crap out of his ex..........That's not any better of a situation. Either way, he's having sexual conversations with his ex which is f'ed up.

Sex should still be fun and new after only a year with you.
 

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Men who masturbate develop/create a bank of events from their past, it might have been a particular act that occurred with her that otherwise was not the norm in their relationship. She might have sucked in bed but for some reason there was a moment he relives. Might i suggest having a candid and open discussion talking about sexually events of both of your past that you each found highly desirable that you could each recreate with each other. The best way to erase one memory is to recreate a new one over it...think about this way...when he does masturbate in the future make it about you when you are not around to take care of it.
 

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I'm not ok with him thinking about an ex but Google says its not uncommon.
He's not merely thinking about an ex. He is having contact with said ex and it's of a sexual nature. He's also jerking off to her. This isn't him thinking about some chick from the past. This is him having an emotional affair with his ex that may very well turn physical.

She would lay next to him and rub herself off before letting him have sex with her. He said it was miserable. And he said sex with me was great.
Annnnd? Just because he may prefer the sex with you doesn't mean he wouldn't have sex with her again. It just means that if the sex is not so great he can come home and get more from you.
 

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I'm aware of gaslighting, I grew up with a narcissist for a mother. Any chance you can be more specific about what part of this you believe is gaslighting though? He is obviously lying, I'm just not sure exactly what part is the lie. I think I'm too close to the situation or maybe I'm being overly sensitive based on the trauma from my past.
You are right, he's lying about something, but I don't think you can dissect that on your own (or with our help). Personally, I would go straight to him and ask him which part he's being untruthful about. At this point, he probably thinks he's awesome for pulling a fast one on you; I'd let him know that you're in the know.
 

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Only normal to think about someone you still wanted to be with on some level or someone who was great in bed.
^^Correct.^^ He's lying to you. Now it's up to you to decide how you want to proceed. Any thoughts?
 

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I have been married to my husband for 9 months. We only knew each other for 4 months before we got married so it's a pretty young relationship. I recently caught him emailing an ex and the topic of the conversations was sexual in nature. He initially denied the communication but then admitted it and went on to say he would get turned on by their conversations and masturbate to thoughts of her. Fine, whatever.

What doesn't make sense to me is that he has told me many times how she sucked in bed. She would lay next to him and rub herself off before letting him have sex with her. He said it was miserable. And he said sex with me was great. Why would a man jerk off to thoughts of an ex that sucked in bed instead of porn or his wife who he said he enjoyed in bed?

I asked him and he claimed that he would fantasize about being a better partner in bed. Not a better partner for her, just in general. From day 1 I told him I enjoyed him in bed...so that doesn't make sense to me either.

I'm inclined to believe she did not suck in bed or that maybe I do and he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. And/or some part of him still wishes things had worked out with her.

Thoughts?
I think your new husband is a lying cheater and gaslighting you. He isn't just thinking about her, he's in contact with her and having sexually intimate conversations and masterbating to them. That's a fact. And that's cheating. What you don't know is whether they're now (or have always been) communicating through a messaging app and having online sex and/or video messaging so they can rub one out together in real time. Or if she's local, meeting up in person and having PIV sex. I wouldn't believe a word coming outta his lying lips.

Does she live in the same area as you so they have the ability to physically meet up with each other? Were they in their relationship right before you and his? How long were they together? What where you told about who dumped who, and why?

Regardless that he married you, you need to consider the possibility that you may be a rebound relationship for him and he isn't over her and didn't really want to end things with her. You two hardly know each other. He has a history with her and no matter what he told you about her being bad in bed, his actions and gaslighting you about them prove he actually feels otherwise.

It's not like he was going to be honest and tell you they had great sex and he loves her and still wants her. Especially if he was mad at her over the breakup. Perhaps he married you to get back at her and show her he'd moved on, and she took the bait. I'm sorry for what you're going through, OP but you need to get to the bottom of all this.
 

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Something does not add up here.

It does, bad up.
 
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In so many posts on here, I wonder why people look for more details or seek the truth, whatever that means, when the initial reason they come on here is enough to say “hang on, this is totally unacceptable behaviour”.

Why do you need a reason from him, why should you put yourself through the turmoil of further discovery or lies? Surely, isn’t what he has done enough for you to say I’m not staying in a relationship with someone who does this?

Save yourself short term heartache and long term distrust by cutting and running now.
 

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Why on earth would you marry someone you've known for only 4 months?
Yeah, I'm scratching my head over this too. What was the big rush to get married? I wonder if OP will return. Hopefully we'll get some answers to the questions we pose ....
 

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This is weird. And it is even weirder given the age of your relationship.

Don't know your age ... but it's immaterial. Given the length of time you have been together I would expect that you are still in the having sex on the kitchen table, or at the mall parking lot phase (assuming no kids are along for this ill-advised journey).

What is troubling is that even when it appears he is coming clean about all of it ... you KNOW, that in fact he isn't. Don't know where you are at in your self-respect and self-awareness journey, but I'm thinking, you should be thinking long and hard about what compelled you to marry this man.

Take this bizarre chip off the table, how is everything else in the relationship?
 
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