[krismimo]

Hey gang,

I have been here for a little while and still a newbie, and I have seen a number of heart breaking experiences with infidelity, my heart goes out to you and your families. Most advice I have read have been fairly good and some...well to be honest sort of hostile and or angry. Now granted I for one am not saying other tam users do not have a right to FEEL that way but at the same time I wonder even given the significant time to "heal" can TAM itself although helpful can be harmful and can be seen as a TRIGGER? Or do you think it depends on the person and their journey in how they go about progress with healing and possible forgiveness? I already know that typically it takes 2-5 years.

As a person that had dealt with infidelity I know first hand how it feels and I myself sometimes have trouble/struggle with reading familiar hurtful stories. How do you guys/gals deal please share your experiences the good/bad/and ugly.

Kris

 

[Complexity]

My problem has been "resolved" for a long time now, so no triggers for me. I can understand however that TAM can be a source of heartache especially for those just coming out of D-day.

Regarding the hostility, yeah it exists, but people are amplifying it beyond reason imo. Best to swift through the relevant advice, which greatly outweighs the bad and ignore the rest. I'm sure newly BSs have more on their plate than to worry about the hostility or anger of a few anonymous users.

 

[krismimo]

I agree with you 100% thanks for your input.

 

[MattMatt]

Hey gang,

I have been here for a little while and still a newbie, and I have seen a number of heart breaking experiences with infidelity, my heart goes out to you and your families. Most advice I have read have been fairly good and some...well to be honest sort of hostile and or angry. Now granted I for one am not saying other tam users do not have a right to FEEL that way but at the same time I wonder even given the significant time to "heal" can TAM itself although helpful can be harmful and can be seen as a TRIGGER? Or do you think it depends on the person and their journey in how they go about progress with healing and possible forgiveness? I already know that typically it takes 2-5 years.

As a person that had dealt with infidelity I know first hand how it feels and I myself sometimes have trouble/struggle with reading familiar hurtful stories. How do you guys/gals deal please share your experiences the good/bad/and ugly.

Kris

Sometimes, yes. But they also help me to process stuff that happened a while ago.

It's not all related to my marriage. Sometimes it's stuff from 30 years ago.

A thread about using mild violence in a loving relationship triggered me. It was only after some introspection that I realised this was because a one time girlfriend of mine had been subject to real violence by her ex-husband to the extent that he nearly killed her, putting her in hospital. Sometimes, if I touched her she would flinch as if she expected to be hit. Terrible thing to witness. Your own lover frightened of you but through no fault of your own.

 

[Acoa]

Not old wounds, but it does help stop me from stuffing my feelings on more recent wounds.

It can hurt to read about the lies a BS will tell to try keep their little world turning. But I think the pain is needed, to keep yourself from allowing any rug sweeping and to stay vigilant.

I want to trust again, so without support I may be all too willing fall for something stupid. I think the stories on TAM help remind the LS to trust but verify for as long as it takes.

 

[Count of Monte Cristo]

TAM doesn't open up old wounds for me. Fact is, this place has been a godsend and is very therapeutic for me. I pick and choose the threads that I want to participate in because some of them are just too heart-wrenching to read. I'm sure there'll come a day when I won't need my daily TAM fix, but for now it gives me a chance to express myself, make new 'friends', and hopefully help a few BSes.

 

[Wazza]

My wife's affair was 22 years ago and I muddled through.

I actually found TAM looking for romantic ideas but was drawn to the infidelity section and yes, it did open up some old wounds, but I think it was healthy. It's helping me deal with unfinished business of the affair, because I was able to validate that what we went through was normal.

I do wonder whether my marriage would have survived had I come across TAM in the immediate aftermath of the affair. I see a good chance some of the advice here would have ended my marriage had I followed it.

 

[hookares]

I use TAM as a diversion to help prevent me from jumping into another mistake similar to my first failure.
I think hostility may be equal to the amount of life changing issues a betrayed spouse may have been forced to cope with.
As far as I know, not many guys here had to live in his car for ten months after the hammer dropped so I may be all wet.

 

[CandieGirl]

Sometimes some of the threads do trigger me; although I must admit that it all depends on my own frame of mind at the time. When I'm feeling good, nothing can get me down. But if I'm feeling down, I really should stay the heck out of TAM! But I don't.

 

[Almostrecovered]

Usually not

The 20 year old thread just opened up long healed wounds though

 

[the guy]

No TAM doesn't open up old wounds, but my fWW does, she can't help but talking about her old days and the pain she went trough and how greatful she is that I saved her.

I guess after years of being used by so many guys for so many years it takes a toll on a chick.

Even after 2-1/2 years since I confronted her... every once in a blue moon she come up...out of the blue with this heart felt apoligy.

So in short my fWW triggers effect me more then anything of my own triggers

At the end of the day me and Mrs. the-guy went thru and did some heavy sh!t together and to each other.

WAY TO GO KRISMIMO....YOU JUST OPENED UP AN OLD WOUND......... LOL

 

[underwater2010]

No it does not open scabbed over wounds for me. I say this because we are only 4 months into R. It helps me realize that I am lucky because he is working hard. It also helps me realize that my situation could have been so much worse. Not only do I come on here to give advice, but I can vent and ask those who have been in my shoes what I should do and what is normal. I don't get the spiel of "Get over it" like I do in real life.

 

[Sara8]

Hey gang,

I have been here for a little while and still a newbie, and I have seen a number of heart breaking experiences with infidelity, my heart goes out to you and your families. Most advice I have read have been fairly good and some...well to be honest sort of hostile and or angry. Now granted I for one am not saying other tam users do not have a right to FEEL that way but at the same time I wonder even given the significant time to "heal" can TAM itself although helpful can be harmful and can be seen as a TRIGGER? Or do you think it depends on the person and their journey in how they go about progress with healing and possible forgiveness? I already know that typically it takes 2-5 years.

As a person that had dealt with infidelity I know first hand how it feels and I myself sometimes have trouble/struggle with reading familiar hurtful stories. How do you guys/gals deal please share your experiences the good/bad/and ugly.

Kris

At first it did.

But now it simply makes me glad that I separated and filed for divorce.

Reading about all the horror stories and mutiple ddays and serial cheaters and repeat offender who initially appeared so remorseful has opened my eyes to reality.

I am thankful for the honesty of the posters here who don't pretend to put a positive spin on a traumatizing betrayal.

 

[SandyLady80]

They are definitely a lot more harsh on this board than the general population, but they have helped me remind myself how damaging infedility can be. (I'm the infidel). I was cheated on many years ago, so I know what it feels like, but I needed the reminder that it's NOT okay and it can be very very hurtful.

I think sometimes it's too easy for people to justify their actions because "everyone does it" and it's glorified in the media and friends are supportive and "I have my needs" and blah blah blah. But the people on this board are a nice, healthy slap in the face. No one is coddling anyone on this board.

 

[cantdecide]

I never trigger from TAM but sometimes the stories are VERY similar to what I went thru.

The biggest reason I come back time and time again is validation. There are days when I'm down and wonder if I did the right thing by divorcing. I then read and sometimes participate in similar threads to my own and I regain my strength. I realize that I did indeed do the right thing and never want to be treated the way I was ever again.