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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi Everyone
Looking through some of the posts on here I can see that a lot of people are in a similar situation to mine; none the less I'd like to get some opinions, just to make sure that I am not being an ass.
So my wife and I have been married for 10years, we have two lovely kids and on the outside are regarded by all our friends as having the perfect life. She is 30 and I'm 28, we both have good jobs and don't have any major problems in our lives.
So far, so good but here comes the issue, at the start she was a very fiery, passionate lover and I was the one that sometimes said "Not tonight, i'm too tired" as she sometimes wanted it twice a day every day, this lasted for about six months, then all of a sudden she switched off and ever since she has not once initiated sex. I always have to be the one to "beg" for it, and we now do it twice a month if i'm lucky. I was fine with that, we both have busy lives and we were happy like that for years; but just over a year ago things got worse, she stopped hugging me, kissing, telling me she loves me, she only returns it if I do it first, this has left me feeling unwanted, in bed she won't even touch me, she will just lay there waiting for her orgasm and when she's done I can "finish" myself off, she has become very cold and whenever I hug her or grab her or do anything remotely passionate she will just shrug me away and I can see this hint of disgust on her face.
I have tried talking to her about it but all I get is a cold "there's nothing wrong, you're imagining things". I wish she would just talk to me, (and you can call me all the names you want) but even if she told me she had someone else, I would not leave her, I love her too much and cannot imagine a life without her. This has been eating me up inside and I feel I am on the verge of a breakdown. Also, before anyone asks, I do all the housework and have always done, cooking, ironing, cleaning; she will sometimes help at the weekend but during the week I keep the house in order; and we are both very attractive, I have had many "offers" over the years to cheat on her but I have never done it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 · (Edited)
Also, forgot to mention this, when we were on holiday this summer, we were talking to some friends about how each couple met, when it came to us, we started telling the story, which for me was something I regard as some of the best moments of my life. But when she was telling the story she kept dropping hints how she was feeling pressured to marry me, because my sister was also getting married, an that my father kept dropping hints as how we should live together, etc... In the end, I now have the feeling she married me, because I was an "ok" guy that ticked all the right boxes but she has never loved me.
 

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I share your pain in some regards to the not enough love making part. The part about her not wanting to be touched by you... is a HUGE RED FLAG. That's some type of resentment towards you, somehow somewhere. Do you think she just go tired of trying to initiate with you all the time, and that triggered sometype of resentment where she basically... turned herself off to you???

Despite my woes in the bedroom, my wife has never stopped telling me she loves me and never "shrugs" off my touch. I would immediately think something is going on. And 2x a month... that is not acceptable in my book. I'm complaining over how 1x a week isn't enough, to go a full 2 weeks... that's when i'd start shutting myself down.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I share your pain in some regards to the not enough love making part. The part about her not wanting to be touched by you... is a HUGE RED FLAG. That's some type of resentment towards you, somehow somewhere. Do you think she just go tired of trying to initiate with you all the time, and that triggered sometype of resentment where she basically... turned herself off to you???

Despite my woes in the bedroom, my wife has never stopped telling me she loves me and never "shrugs" off my touch. I would immediately think something is going on. And 2x a month... that is not acceptable in my book. I'm complaining over how 1x a week isn't enough, to go a full 2 weeks... that's when i'd start shutting myself down.
I see where you're coming from but I don't think that to be the cause of the problem, like I said it was just at the start, the normal passion you have in a new relationship, plus it was very reciprocal , I would often initiate sex too and she would sometimes say no if she had a bad day at work. And then I would say we went on to a normal "married" sex life where we were both too tired during the week and made the most of weekends where and when we could, then came the kids and you just have less time. But yeah I agree with "Major Red Flags"
I just don't understand why she would have that sort of resentment towards me plus that only started a little over a year ago, before that even though our sex life wasn't brilliant she was very caring and loving.
 

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See Married Man Sex Life

What other major changes have occurred in your marriage around the time thigs started to change?

Does she work?

Has she started to change her self in other ways. Like going to the gym, losing weight or dressing differently?

Does she go out much? Do you guys have your date nights? Are you guys spending at least 15 hours a week of quality time together each week?

Does she have a new group of friends?

Does she spend much time on Facebook and / or texting?

How old are the kids?

Have you shut down your attention towards her by working more hours or being away and so on? Have you changed?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
See Married Man Sex Life

What other major changes have occurred in your marriage around the time thigs started to change?

Does she work?

Has she started to change her self in other ways. Like going to the gym, losing weight or dressing differently?

Does she go out much? Do you guys have your date nights? Are you guys spending at least 15 hours a week of quality time together each week?

Does she have a new group of friends?

Does she spend much time on Facebook and / or texting?

How old are the kids?

Have you shut down your attention towards her by working more hours or being away and so on? Have you changed?
To sum it up, is she cheating? I have been looking for all the signs as the ones you mentioned above and others, some things do look suspicious, like she started dieting more (even though she isn't overweight at all), she started wearing sexy underwear during the week/work but not at the weekend on the same note she used to shave everything (as thats what I like) and always made sure she was "ready" for the weekend but now leaves a strip and does it during the week only. As for phone/facebook the only thing I noticed is that once in a while she will delete all the messages but isn't possessive about the phone and as for facebook we know each others passwords.
Are we having quality time? not any more, I used to do romantic gestures and also drop the kids off with my parents and go out and do things as a couple, but now she doesn't want to do it and if I do anything romantic she just doesn't care.
 

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Well, from a female POV, I dont think youre being an ass. Im kinda int he same situation with my hub so Im not sure what advice I can give you...BUT let me ask a few questions if you dont mind.

What type of work do you both do?

Do you work regular hours?

Is she ever "working late"

The fact that you mentioned the new panties and the new way of manicuring the lawn (down there) may indicate infidelity.

When she started wearing new panties, did she show you them or did you happen to see them in the laundry? Or even her wearing them?

Does she seem to make herself up more when she leaves for the day?
 

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Another one. Sorry to read this story man. Does sound like resentment. I've never felt the disgust but I can sense uneasy-ness when I come close sometimes.

Hang in there man.
 

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To sum it up, is she cheating? I have been looking for all the signs as the ones you mentioned above and others, some things do look suspicious, like she started dieting more (even though she isn't overweight at all), she started wearing sexy underwear during the week/work but not at the weekend on the same note she used to shave everything (as thats what I like) and always made sure she was "ready" for the weekend but now leaves a strip and does it during the week only. As for phone/facebook the only thing I noticed is that once in a while she will delete all the messages but isn't possessive about the phone and as for facebook we know each others passwords.
Are we having quality time? not any more, I used to do romantic gestures and also drop the kids off with my parents and go out and do things as a couple, but now she doesn't want to do it and if I do anything romantic she just doesn't care.
Best to rule that out as soon as possible since it is a time sensitive thing.

None of this sounds good whether she is cheating or not. If she is not cheating though you can work on the marriage. If she is cheating that has to be dealt with. She may not be cheating ... yet and still all of this going on. But it needs to be headed off.
 

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Sounds as though she has definitely lost attraction/respect for you. The big obvious question is why and your clues about infidelity are definitely in play - it could be that she is getting prepared to, though if she is capable then likely based on your clues she already has. If she hasn't been getting affection from an OM consider it a blessing that she isn't in a fog and that you have a real chance to fix this... good luck hope this works out for you
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Hi everyone
Thanks for the replies, it seems most of you suspect the cheating, which what I keep telling myself that it can't be and I must be imagining it. The problem is that if she is (or is considering) cheating it won't be easy to catch her, because I suspect it' may be someone at work. So, when she says she is doing overtime(which there is lots of lately) I know she truly is at work(cause I'm the IT Manager and have access to payroll) I also have now installed a keylogger on our computers and just need to gain access to her phone for a couple of minutes to install a spy app. In addition to that I had bought a nanny cam (she doesn't know about it) because I think the babysitter is bringing her bf in the house, but now I have it on all the time when i'm not at home, she works different hours to me so she is at home alone while the kids are in school.

I will keep you updated on what I find, but I do hope we are all wrong, but then again if it isn't cheating it's really hard to explain all this apathy.
 

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Hi everyone
Thanks for the replies, it seems most of you suspect the cheating, which what I keep telling myself that it can't be and I must be imagining it. The problem is that if she is (or is considering) cheating it won't be easy to catch her, because I suspect it' may be someone at work. So, when she says she is doing overtime(which there is lots of lately) I know she truly is at work(cause I'm the IT Manager and have access to payroll) I also have now installed a keylogger on our computers and just need to gain access to her phone for a couple of minutes to install a spy app. In addition to that I had bought a nanny cam (she doesn't know about it) because I think the babysitter is bringing her bf in the house, but now I have it on all the time when i'm not at home, she works different hours to me so she is at home alone while the kids are in school.

I will keep you updated on what I find, but I do hope we are all wrong, but then again if it isn't cheating it's really hard to explain all this apathy.
For one thing you guys seriously need to adjust your schedule. What is the point of her being home when the kids are not there. Trust me I know IT but I also know life is about choices. She needs to get on the day shift so she is home when your kids are. Also if you work opposite shifts the marriage will deteriorate further. She may need to get another job if she cannot get on the day shift.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
The apposite shifts arrangement has worked for over 4 years now, It was because our youngest wasn't at school yet so that way we didn't need to leave her with anyone every day. She now started school in September, I asked the wife about moving back to a day shift but she doesn't want to and I kind of understand because you get used to a routine and you also make friends with the people you work with.

Just to give more detail on this, our routine goes as follows: I work 9-5, she works 6pm to 2am.
When I get home I see her for 15 minutes, then I start cleaning, cook dinner, bath the kids, feed them, feed the cat, get the kids to bed. Usually I have it all done by 9pm, I then go on the computer and work(as I also have a software design company) until the wife gets home. When she gets home, I make her some coffee and run her a bath, we talk about her day and then go to bed. By the time we go to bed it's usually 3am. she gets up with me in the morning gives the kids breakfast gets them ready and takes them to school, she then come home, sleeps until I call her at 2pm, gets dressed and goes to pick up the kids.

I'm stating this because last night I was tired so didn't clean up after cooking dinner. So this morning before I left for work she just mumbled something like "I have to do everything around here". So that has ruined my morning. Sorry to vent.

I have been reading some of the "Man up" threads and also the "Fitness Tests" and I'm starting to think I failed miserably on all accounts. I'm the ultimate "good guy".

For one thing you guys seriously need to adjust your schedule. What is the point of her being home when the kids are not there. Trust me I know IT but I also know life is about choices. She needs to get on the day shift so she is home when your kids are. Also if you work opposite shifts the marriage will deteriorate further. She may need to get another job if she cannot get on the day shift.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
UPDATE - Things just got very confusing, just received a text from the wife saying the following
"Laying in bed, thinking of you. Wish you were here instead of my battery operated friend"
I'm actually wondering if she sent it to the wrong person as it's the first time ever she sends me a "dirty" text.
I replied wish I was there too and a couple of dirty things but still no reply.
 

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UPDATE - Things just got very confusing, just received a text from the wife saying the following
"Laying in bed, thinking of you. Wish you were here instead of my battery operated friend"
I'm actually wondering if she sent it to the wrong person as it's the first time ever she sends me a "dirty" text.
I replied wish I was there too and a couple of dirty things but still no reply.
I probibly would have made something up and left work at that point.
 

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Lot of things going on here. Everyone else has the infidelity angle covered. If you look at your current relationship, there isn't much of one. You're not in the house together most of the time. There is no bonding going on (Which is what she was doing the first 6 months). Second, She's probably losing a little respect for you:

then I start cleaning, cook dinner, bath the kids, feed them, feed the cat, get the kids to bed. Usually I have it all done by 9pm, I then go on the computer and work(as I also have a software design company) until the wife gets home. When she gets home, I make her some coffee and run her a bath, we talk about her day and then go to bed.



When you get home from work you really should't have to cook or clean much if she's been up since 2pm. I really hope you're not running her bath everyday. If you are I'm hoping you're actually in the bath with her on most occassions. I think the major thing is getting yourselves back on the same work/home schedule. Marriage is tough enough. I've done the overnight thing for periods of our marriage but it's never been a long term thing. Also when doing overnights I looked for a fireman 's schedule where you work 12hr shifts for no longer than 3 days straight and have every other weekend off. That allowed me to have some quality time with the wife. You and Your wife must put the relationship first, everything else behind that including finances. Y'all have a lot going on.
 

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UPDATE - Things just got very confusing, just received a text from the wife saying the following
"Laying in bed, thinking of you. Wish you were here instead of my battery operated friend"
I'm actually wondering if she sent it to the wrong person as it's the first time ever she sends me a "dirty" text.
I replied wish I was there too and a couple of dirty things but still no reply.
Is your nanny cam up and running yet? This situation as you are writing it DOES NOT sounds good, even the fact you are talking about this here means your marriage is definitely not on solid ground. If you find the evidence you need a clear plan and that includes informing her when she betrayed her vow and decided to end the marriage by adultery that she has also lost everything that you provide for her, and she has made the biggest mistake of her life (and of course you will tell her this as you are putting the boxes and suitcases full of her stuff on the front yard).

Like uphill said, I'd find a reason to take off work, if it wasn't to go home and take your W it would have been to go home and take her out of your life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Is your nanny cam up and running yet? This situation as you are writing it DOES NOT sounds good, even the fact you are talking about this here means your marriage is definitely not on solid ground. If you find the evidence you need a clear plan and that includes informing her when she betrayed her vow and decided to end the marriage by adultery that she has also lost everything that you provide for her, and she has made the biggest mistake of her life (and of course you will tell her this as you are putting the boxes and suitcases full of her stuff on the front yard).

Like uphill said, I'd find a reason to take off work, if it wasn't to go home and take your W it would have been to go home and take her out of your life.
Lon you talk a good talk, but can you walk the walk? it's easy to say get her out your life, pack her suitcase, when it's someone else's life.
Let me get this one out of the way, I'm not an idiot, I have an IQ of 132, I'm not a cuckold H either, but like I said in the first post if she is cheating I won't just end the marriage, I will still try and work things out, because I know that if she has then I probably, somehow, drove her to it. I admit, I'm not the easiest guy to live with at times and regardless of whether she is cheating or not I just want to find out what caused the distance between us, because anything else would just have been a result of that distance.

Obviously the more I know (like the affair) the easier it is to confront her and find out exactly why we have grown apart.

Your comment is appreciated though.

Thanks
 
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