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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
If by some miracle, my wife comes around and end her affair and wants to work on her marriage, will it be possible if she and the man she had an affair with are in the same office? Will one of them have to leave?

She asked him a couple times to back off so she could think, but he didn't. Now, she wasn't very firm because she so very much enjoyed what they were doing, but after a talk this morning, it seems as though she might really want to try.

Should she look for another branch? No matter how bad she wants to change and have a second chance, I doubt she would ever give up her branch or job to make sure the affair can't continue. Our marriage and relationship are not that important to her (obviously, otherwise she woudln't have had the affair).

Will we be able to move on if he is always there as a reminder? What if he doesn't stop? Can you get a restraining order on a coworker?

I am not sure if I will ever be able to trust her as long as he is around. Oh well. I guess I was wondering if anyone had any experience with an office affair and how you and your marriage made it work.

Thanks.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
She is so confused (or evil) at this point that she tells me in the morning that she wants to do the right thing, that she will end it, and that she will do whatever it takes to work on our marriage, and then later that day, when I went out to run some errands, she starts text messaging the guy again. i can't read what she sends because she auto deletes them, but for some reason she keeps what he writes. and it is the type of stuff that if i were doing it, she would get irritated and tell me i am smothering her.

i don't know when to stop believing what she says and to walk away. i keep thinking there is hope for her and us, but i really don't know. and even if she does break it off, how on earth do i ever trust her again? i had to convince her she was doing something wrong. she didn't just stop it when she was caught and is now trying to work it out, she lied to me over and over and over again.

at what point do i stop being a good person trying to help another out and just become a stupid person being played by a fool.

it is so hard to give up on the life i have spent building for 10 years. i have put everything i have into it.

Oh, and her counselor doesn't do relationships, so I highly doubt he would ever tell her to cut him off. My counselor is a family therapist so maybe he could help. His primary goal is to help families stay together.
 

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If she finally chooses to end her affair, then NC (no contact) is a must and if that means leaving her job then so be it. Yes it's hard to leave a job that you love but if the marriage is to be saved and rebuilt, then it has to be done. It may take some time for her to find another job but if both of you can survive on just your income, then leaving her job is not going to be hard.

Another requirement is that she has to agree to become an open book. She must understand that the trust you had in her has been destroyed and that if she is serious about regaining it, the she must become accountable to you for her whereabouts. She also must understand that this rule also applies to you because there are plenty of cases where today's betrayed spouse becomes tomorrow's unfaithful spouse. It's only fair after all that what you ask of others, you also ask of yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
It seems that somehow her morals and values have been corrupted. Or maybe she was always a messed up person but is finally accepting it now.

She will not leave her job. Our marriage is not important enough to her to do something like that. Our marriage is not important enough to her to even completely commit to working on it. Our marriage is the least important thing in her life.

I should really stop trying and just leave and try to move on. Could she ever really learn to put me and her marriage first? To fight for her family no matter what?

She has stated that she feels like if I was really the one for her, that she would want to fight. But because she doesn't want to fight, I must not be the one. Nevermind she has been subconsiously (I hope) undermining our relationship for months, if not years. Of course right now she doesn't feel like fighting. She is the one who just cheated! She wouldn't have done that if she really cared and wanted to save our marriage.



How can I prepare myself to move on when I am so focused and hopeful that we might still have a chance. I don't want to be left in the lurch when she finally gives up, but I don't want to spend any energy on anything else until she does give up.

I feel so foolish and pathetic. Why me? I have so much love to give.
 

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I see in a couple of post that you say "Our marriage is the least important thing in her life." If that is how you truly feel then why are you even trying? Both people have to want the marriage to work above all else or it never will. Even if a person never cheated but there marriage means so little to them then it is not going to work out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I fight because it means so much to me. I fight because I honestly believe she doesn't realize what she is losing. She is so caught up in what is happening at work, including the affair, that she cannot step back and see the bigger picture. She cannot see that she is destroying (if it isn't already too late) her chances at long term happiness.

She has done all of this in the name of love and happiness, yet that is exactly what she is throwing away. She doesn't realize that her job is meaningless if she is serious about finding both. She was so eager to throw away what she already had to find those. If she realizes this, then maybe she will see what she has to do.

I need to work with my therapist on letting go. I know I do, but when you love someone so totally, like I do, it is so very hard.
 
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