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Discussion Starter #1
Just curious.......does R last the whole rest of your lives, providing you stay together.

Is it ever over?

Maybe there isn't anyone old enough on TAM to advise!!
 

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Good question!

I am sure that it changes over time.

Maybe there is another way to look at it; maybe the relationship should have had the elements of R prior to the downward spiral that lead to the affair.

I'll never know. I tried it for 6-7 months prior to making a decision that a divorce would be a better path. I left my WW at 8 months.

I think that question about R for a lifetime is key for most of the loyal spouses.

Does it end? Is it worth it? Would a fresh start be better?

You have all the time you want to decide.
:D
 

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Oddly enough I am just at the stage of divorce with my WW but I did speak to a chap perhaps 6 years ago.

He had an affair a few years into his marriage and he was, at that point, about 65 years old after a marriage of 40 years.

He said his wife still brought it up and never let him forget it - he didn't sound bitter at all and was very grateful that his wife had given him a 2nd chance.

They had grandchildren and had built a family with pride despite his affair.

So, his reconciliation was probably still ongoing, but he and his wife had slowly but surely replaced the pain and bitterness with love and respect - maybe to the extent that from 100% pain all those years ago they now had 1% pain and 99% love.

That's how I thought about it; just a shame it looks like we will never experience it :(
 

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Good marriages are about giving, not receiving. What do you think?

This doesn't mean we let our partner walk all over us or abuse us.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
"Maybe there is another way to look at it; maybe the relationship should have had the elements of R prior to the downward spiral that lead to the affair."

So very true!!
 

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Oddly enough I am just at the stage of divorce with my WW but I did speak to a chap perhaps 6 years ago.

He had an affair a few years into his marriage and he was, at that point, about 65 years old after a marriage of 40 years.

He said his wife still brought it up and never let him forget it - he didn't sound bitter at all and was very grateful that his wife had given him a 2nd chance.

They had grandchildren and had built a family with pride despite his affair.

So, his reconciliation was probably still ongoing, but he and his wife had slowly but surely replaced the pain and bitterness with love and respect - maybe to the extent that from 100% pain all those years ago they now had 1% pain and 99% love.

That's how I thought about it; just a shame it looks like we will never experience it :(
15 years later, it's not a shut and locked door at all. It'll always come up once in a while. We're happy now but it never goes away.

It's a work in progress from d-day until they bury you 6 feet under IMO. But then again, so is a marriage, you both work together and compromise to stay together. Sometimes the machine breaks and you either replace the broken part, duct tape it together or just throw out the machine and get a new one.

No matter what route you take, it's still going to require maintenance from time to time. Some just need a little bit more care than others.
 

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I know someone in her 50s whose H had an A 20+ years ago. She says she rarely thinks about it, but it's also not a non-issue. She feels she trusts him completely, though.

I don't think any marriage will ever be the same, but that doesn't have to be bad. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I guess in some ways we have been given a vantage point.....we do actually know the reality that our spouse cheated on us. So now we know.

We don't live in ignorant bliss as others do.

To be honest, I do find myself looking around at couples of all ages now, and i ask myself....."did he cheat?" "did she cheat" who knows?....maybe in all marriages or the majority of them someone cheats at some point in some way....but the spouse doesn't always find out, or maybe they do but you can't tell just by looking at them :scratchhead:

I'm glad I found out, it gives the opportunity to reflect, to understand, and to hopefully make things better. We lost sight of one another, now we only have sight for one another.

It is the most painful thing I've been through, and I've had my share of sh!t.....but in some ways i feel if we can get through this, we might be able to get through anything.

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!!! right?
 
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