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My husband and I have been married for almost 10 months. Awhile back we had a few issues with his porn use. (I feel like he chooses it over me) anyways, after many discussions over the porn situation, he refused to give up porn. So, I figured I'd try to find a way to be okay with it and try not to let this bother me. But, I asked for his help on it. Basically, I just need affection and attention from him. I need him to show me that he does care for me and my feelings. Since I already feel like he doesn't because he couldn't even try to give up porn for our marriage.
I asked him if he could just simply kiss me once a day...just once...and say or do something sweet. Even if it's just putting his arms around me or a sweet text during the day. I'm not asking for anything big. Just 5 minutes out of his day.
First few days went good. Then he quit...a few days later I asked him about it. He said he forgot. I understand that so he resumed..for one day. 3 days later...still nothing. And the cycle repeats.
I do everything I can to make him happy. I understand porn makes him happy, so I am willing to try to let go of my feelings on it..for him. After all, he is a man and he'll do what men do. I tell him I love him everyday, I give him plenty of attention...and I am very romantic with him and always show him in someway that he is always on my mind.
He can't even kiss me everyday...
I'm starting to feel like he doesn't really care about my feelings...
or maybe what I am asking is to difficult?
I don't know...
 

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Discussion Starter #3
you probably need to speak to a professional about his _addiction_.
He will not go. We were even invited on the Dr. Phil show about it. He sees nothing wrong with it. and I'm not willing to divorce over it. So, I will sacrifice my feelings and learn to get over it.
 

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do you watch it with him? why not try that and see if you can turn it into a hot session.

If you can't/won't watch it too, then my advice is see a counselor yourself and get up the nerve to leave or make him seek help.
 

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He will not go. We were even invited on the Dr. Phil show about it. He sees nothing wrong with it. and I'm not willing to divorce over it. So, I will sacrifice my feelings and learn to get over it.
Your answer to your problem is right here in your own post. He was offered free help but won't take up the offer.

Why on earth would you sacrifice your feelings, your life, for this?? Life is way to short to waste it on someone who won't help their self.

Why is divorce off the table? Do you want to be a martyr?

Time to move on...
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do you watch it with him? why not try that and see if you can turn it into a hot session.

If you can't/won't watch it too, then my advice is see a counselor yourself and get up the nerve to leave or make him seek help.
Yes, sometimes we do watch it together. I am perfectly fine and happy doing that. Porn isn't exactly the issue. I dont care that he watches it...It just becomes an issue when he chooses it over me. If he had sex with me as much as he watched it, then problem solved. or if he can still have sex with me before or after it'd be fine.
He doesn't enjoy watching it together though. He prefers to do it privately.
 

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He will not go. We were even invited on the Dr. Phil show about it. He sees nothing wrong with it. and I'm not willing to divorce over it. So, I will sacrifice my feelings and learn to get over it.
Well do both of you a favour, put that in writing, frame it, stick it on your bedroom wall, and remember it has been your choice so no point bringing it up here.

It is a classical _addiction_ that you're dealing with. You are now, through your choice, the enabler. And no I won't help with an interdiction I know where his hands have been.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Your answer to your problem is right here in your own post. He was offered free help but won't take up the offer.

Why on earth would you sacrifice your feelings, your life, for this?? Life is way to short to waste it on someone who won't help their self.

Why is divorce off the table? Do you want to be a martyr?

Time to move on...
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I feel like I need a better reason than "my husband watches porn" although it does hurt like hell and it completely destroys how I look at myself. I just love him...and we just had a daughter together. and I believe in "for better or worse" and I'm just hoping one day he'll change.
 

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Your answer to your problem is right here in your own post. He was offered free help but won't take up the offer.

Why on earth would you sacrifice your feelings, your life, for this?? Life is way to short to waste it on someone who won't help their self.

Why is divorce off the table? Do you want to be a martyr?

Time to move on...
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I'm not sure about that. Dr. Phil show seems like a pretty obvious trap. I'd never go on national TV to get beat up by Dr. Phil.
 

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Good evening
The reason isn't "my husband watches porn", the reason is that he is choosing it over you.

I have no objections to porn use either with a partner or when a partner is not available. I think it becomes a problem when it is chosen INSTEAD of a partner. This is not being a prude, it is having the completely reasonable expectation that you be your partners primary interest for love, sex and intimacy.

This often gets confused with women who object to porn even though their husbands never choose it over them. To me that is a completely different situation.







I feel like I need a better reason than "my husband watches porn" although it does hurt like hell and it completely destroys how I look at myself. I just love him...and we just had a daughter together. and I believe in "for better or worse" and I'm just hoping one day he'll change.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Good evening
The reason isn't "my husband watches porn", the reason is that he is choosing it over you.
Yes. I don't even initiate sex with him anymore because I am afraid of the rejection. He's not really even "into it" either. and when he does initiate it, I feel like he only does it because he feels like he has to. Like its a chore. I could be wrong though...Maybe he does want to. He just doesn't show that "passion" I am longing for.
 

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Good evening
one more thing to check. Do you know if he has any particular fetish that the porn is catering to?

Most likely though he is by any reasonable standards an "addict", and is trading a real person for porn. That is really sad, but there is likely nothing you can do to fix it if he doesn't want help.
 

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You married a man child, a very low EQ man that you "hope" will change, most likely he won't change unless he gets professional help and/or you divorce him. If you choose to stay and martyr yourself then all power to you but keep in mind you are setting your child up for a future of making poor relationship decisions just like you have done with this guy.

Get some professional help yourself to find out why your self esteem is so low that you will waste your life for a man that does not care about you.

IMHO porn itself is not the problem, we use it in a healthy way in our relationship, together or solo, no judgements or issues as my SO and I share a very healthy, well balanced sex life where respect and caring is paramount. Not anti porn at all but very anti man child/martyr relationships that really are a waste of your life and his.

Good luck to you as you will need it. You don't seem to be able or want to make a stand on this so it is on you now.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Good evening
one more thing to check. Do you know if he has any particular fetish that the porn is catering to?

Most likely though he is by any reasonable standards an "addict", and is trading a real person for porn. That is really sad, but there is likely nothing you can do to fix it if he doesn't want help.
Everything he likes I can and have catered to. Except for huge breasts. Ill even watch the videos he watches and I will do exactly what they do. But, it still isn't good enough for him I don't guess.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Good luck to you as you will need it. You don't seem to be able or want to make a stand on this so it is on you now.
I have tried to make a stand. I'm afraid I will push him away. All he has to do is have sex with me more, and act like he loves me. and if he really doesnt love me then he just needs to tell me that and I'll move on. But, as long as I see hope...I am staying.
 

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Everything he likes I can and have catered to.
This is sad. You are catering and cow-towing to his every whim, and yet it is still not enough for him. Don't you see, in doing this, you are giving up YOURSELF -- you are reinventing yourself to fit HIS mold??

You need counseling. Learn to be true to yourself and not a puppet on a string.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
I'd also like to note. I don't believe my husband is addicted to it. I believe he can stop, he just doesn't want to. Like, thats his stress relief or something.
and maybe he doesn't choose it over me...maybe it could be in my head.
But, he doesn't seem to ever be in the mood anymore, and It seems to be hard for him for me to get him aroused.
But, I feel like...if you don't have a sex drive, and you aren't in the mood...why would you still watch porn..?
and he helps himself while looking, he doesn't just look.
Why is it so easy for porn to get him in the mood, but me in sexy lingerie and pretty much trying everything I can think of to turn him on doesn't?
 

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I am really annoyed at all the people here saying "porn is not the issue".. YES IT IS!! He is choosing porn over his wife. Porn has been PROVEN to be detrimental to chemical workings of the brain not to mention the sexual disfunction associated with porn. Clearly he is not the occasional watcher like some of you - who can take it or leave it. He refuses to stop or get help for his addiction!

To the OP. PLEAE GET A BACKBONE! I don't mean to be cruel, but you are sacrificing your own self worth and needs to cater to this addict who has zero concern for meeting your needs. Please do not try to reenact the porn you see simply to scratch his porn itch. It will never be scratched to his liking!! Get some help for your low self esteem and co-dependent behavior. Its not a good thing to model to your child and you will become an empty shell of a woman eventually. Kick him out until he gets some help and decides sincerely that your needs and feelings matter. Please. do. this!!
 
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