We dont hear about the countless millions of good and happy marriages here, so its very skewed. One of the best things I did in my life was getting married again. Changed my life and my children's lives completely.
Does coming back here trigger you?
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It's been nearly 11 years since I first discovered my then-husband in an EA (at the very least) with a family friend, and about 7+ years since I found out he'd actually been serially cheating for the entirety of our 21 years together. I've been divorced since October, 2013 and am happily remarried to a wonderful man.
Coming here doesn't trigger me. Being happy and in a really great, and very healthy, relationship seems to help. But I also think it's really just a matter of time and distance and my own healing. I can look back on my experiences with enough detachment - and hopefully some hard-won wisdom - that I don't feel pain and am not particularly bothered by the memories.
But, I also know it's never a good idea for me to spend too much time on the CWI pages. I like to help when/if I can, but I simply don't enjoy spending a great deal of time mired in other people's pain. So, I tend to pop in from time to time but spend more of my energy on the other TAM pages.
Coming here doesn't trigger me. Being happy and in a really great, and very healthy, relationship seems to help. But I also think it's really just a matter of time and distance and my own healing. I can look back on my experiences with enough detachment - and hopefully some hard-won wisdom - that I don't feel pain and am not particularly bothered by the memories.
But, I also know it's never a good idea for me to spend too much time on the CWI pages. I like to help when/if I can, but I simply don't enjoy spending a great deal of time mired in other people's pain. So, I tend to pop in from time to time but spend more of my energy on the other TAM pages.
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I didn't experience infidelity so my experience might not be relevant to your perspective or question.
I don't necessarily get triggered by similar stories to my own (IE with the same perspective) but I do find myself reflexively angry typing sometimes when someone expresses a perspective that lines up more with my ex's or makes generalizations about men or relationships that don't match my experience. I haven't been banned even short term mostly because I read what I type at least once before hitting "Post reply".
It might make me a bad person on some level but people talking about some of the bad experiences is a little bit comforting. It gives me a feeling of "well at least I'm not that bad" or "at least my relationship didn't have that aspect to it" or "if that is all some women want in a man, I should be able to find someone to like / appreciate me".
I don't necessarily get triggered by similar stories to my own (IE with the same perspective) but I do find myself reflexively angry typing sometimes when someone expresses a perspective that lines up more with my ex's or makes generalizations about men or relationships that don't match my experience. I haven't been banned even short term mostly because I read what I type at least once before hitting "Post reply".
It might make me a bad person on some level but people talking about some of the bad experiences is a little bit comforting. It gives me a feeling of "well at least I'm not that bad" or "at least my relationship didn't have that aspect to it" or "if that is all some women want in a man, I should be able to find someone to like / appreciate me".
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I get where this chain of thought comes from; there are times when coming to TAM wraps everything around you all over again, and there can be a cycle that never ends when you engage others and try to defend your position. This is not a good place to do that! Better to come her to find others in similar situations and either learn from them or offer help.
Note that we see quite a few self-requested bans from TAM. They may be for the reasons this thread exists.
Note that we see quite a few self-requested bans from TAM. They may be for the reasons this thread exists.
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I think a lot of people do this, even if they won't admit to it. I went to a support group for a while and two guys there frequently made me think "well, it could be worse... you could be HIM" or "at least I'm not dealing with that". I won't lie, it felt good. Of course I felt bad about that too but for all I know they thought the same thing about me.
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I still have great faith in marriage. It is humanity I no longer have faith in. Out of 100 couples today, probably only 10 couples have what it takes to get married and stay married. IMO, it should be almost impossible to get legally married today. Couples should be required to undergo a psychological screening, attend mandatory premarital counseling, sign a mutually agreed upon prenup, go through criminal background checks, and have a one year waiting period before a license is granted.
"Oh... your girlfriend has bipolar disorder? Bzzzzzzzzt! Next!"
"Oh... your boyfriend is an ex meth addict with a criminal record? Bzzzzzzzzt! Next please!"
I usually come back here when things are getting me down. I've posted on here and been ripped and I'm fine with that, sometimes we need it. I'm back now because the wife had been on a roll again lately. Going to bed at 8 when I'm off and staying up till 12 or later when I'm working...Now she wants to (for whatever reason) keep throwing my mistakes up to our sons girlfriend. She's only 19 and our son is 17. How I've cheated, use to run the roads etc...not once mentioned her wrong doings. Even last night we were looking through pictures, a few of my ex best friend, her lover were in there. She just says, "that was an old friend of his". I don't say anything because I don't feel like I need to throw that stuff out there. But you'd think if she was so willing to trash me she would admit to her mistakes or not bring any of it up. I wanted to ask her why the pictures were still in there, but didn't, wanted to see if she'd throw them away...she didn't....so here I am. Going on 11 years and still beat my head in on those events. Reading Facebook post from 2010 and now knowing what they meant.
Your situation sounds miserable. Also... it sounds like she’s cheating on you again. I think you should make a post in this forum and open it up for discussion. Maybe you need some advice, maybe understanding, maybe a slap upside the head. I dunno, but why not???
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Not difficult at all it just brings up things I burry deep down so I don’t have to think about them.
I don't know, I could...I think she has a thing for the guy she works with. We all put a tracking app on our phone when our son started driving, not too long ago it showed her at the guys house. She works at a local bank and he's the owner's son, close to our age. It's literally across the road from her work and she claims it must have just showed her there. She might be, she might not be. To say I don't care would be wrong but I'm not interested enough in knowing right now. Our son is almost 18 and I just want him to graduate this year without a cluster f here at home.
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It's pretty obvious... If you're going to look the other way until your son graduates, at least make sure you don't touch her with a 10' pole. You don't need an extra suprise.
Haha, no worries there. We are 41 and 38, we might engage in the bedroom once a month, sometime once every two months...crazy as it sounds, 11 years later I still visualize them having sex when we do and rush through it. It's what it is for now.
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I can't believe the lives you cats are willing to lead just to stay married to a chick that's doing other guys and can take you or leave you. I can honestly say that after 7 decades, ain't no woman had me that much by the balls. I don't know, and don't want to know, how you do it.
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767 Posts
Sometimes it does dredge back up old feelings, but that just tells me the work on myself is not done.
To my mind, when I was isolated and gaslit and in the midst of untangling my then-H's cheating and subsequent breakdown of my marriage, this forum was there for me. People helped - they gave me advice, sometimes tough love, and made me feel less alone when I was terribly lonely. So I'd like to try and help in some small way people who are going through hard times too.
To my mind, when I was isolated and gaslit and in the midst of untangling my then-H's cheating and subsequent breakdown of my marriage, this forum was there for me. People helped - they gave me advice, sometimes tough love, and made me feel less alone when I was terribly lonely. So I'd like to try and help in some small way people who are going through hard times too.
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Once a month or two is enough to get whatever STD she has picked up, I'll leave it at that...
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Honestly, I read and post here for several reasons. First, I see stories like the snippet above where a man is just buying time to exit a dismal marriage. It reinforces why I am no longer married with no intent to ever again. Secondly, I try to help others but my opinions are not always well received, especially by the married men on TAM. I think it’s harder for the ones that have reconciled because I can’t wrap my head around giving adults second and third chances. Cheating has always been a dealbreaker and, unfortunately, I have two divorces to prove that. Finally, there is a drawback to reading here. Seeing all the similar stories, cheating, sexless relationships, financial infidelity, lying, etc just sometimes keeps me in my angry mindset from my past, and I do allow that anger to sometimes seep into new relationships. That last piece is the one I’m working on. It’s easier for me to spot my own faults than it is to change them or make piece with the fact they may never change.
I haven't been here for a few years - it was good to unload about her affair back then in 2013/14. There was some tough feedback. Her affair still crosses my mind every day in some way - you just have less pain; more objectivity. We're still together but it's been approx 5 years since any intimacy. I don't expect any - she is unable to talk about the subject. Menopause is a factor in the last 18 months but it makes no difference; nothing is going to ever happen again & I have accepted that. We are companions of a sort - paying off debt, seeing our son & daughter become independent. Being here tonight is a bit of a trigger but I triggered before I got here anyway; the thought of it. It's just an uncomfortable feeling, but mostly i'm interested in what people are saying these days.
Wow...
So, I gave my WH an ultimatum right before I found out about the affair. The relationship had become intolerable, but now I wonder, would I have followed through? I like to think so but I stayed in a pretty unhappy situation for a few years... so maybe the only difference between my situation and these... is that the affair was a catalyst and permission for me to leave. For many people, an affair is not even that.
For some reason it’s really hard for me to hear the deep sadness of all these stories of those who “reconciled” but are just still in so much trauma and pain. Or worse, numb. I mean that’s not reconciliation at all is it? We could call that something like purgatory. I think of The Little Mermaid, and Ursulas garden.
Reminds me of our last 10 years ... As I watch her on her phone, like most nights, I wonder what we are getting out of starting together other than watching our son grow up. We all went to dinner, a pretty expensive dinner, just because we haven't don't a lot since Corona and all was good until some song come on.... Some how I ruined this song for her, she couldn't say why but unknown to me I've ruined it for her... So she changed it and hasn't spoken a word to me since.... Has had the phone up to her face the last 2 hours non stop.
Are you going to divorce when you’re done watching the kid grow up? Just asking out of curiosity.
That must have been a special song you ruined! I’m kidding, but really that seems a bit over the top on the drama.
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