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After finding out about my wife’s affair this was m go to place to process everything. I am still with her and things are ok and I don’t think about her affair much anymore. But the few times coming here reading the stories it does bring up the bad feelings of the past. Just curious if it’s just me?
 

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It empowers me.

All the other relationship boards I've visited are so mealy mouth as to what to do when you care about the position that others have put you in.
 

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Yes; but I’m still looking to change my thinking. My late wife affair was in the mid 90’s and the gal I dated after my wife died, cheated on me too; say 2003ish. All very much in the past and yet I keep thinking about them.

this is not my main reason for being here
 

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I am still with her
It's not being here that is triggering you but the fact that you think that explains partly why you are struggling with being triggered.

What are the bad feelings?

What has she done to help you?
 
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After finding out about my wife’s affair this was m go to place to process everything. I am still with her and things are ok and I don’t think about her affair much anymore. But the few times coming here reading the stories it does bring up the bad feelings of the past. Just curious if it’s just me?
I am rarely triggered. Probably because my situation was quite unusual. But! I do get triggered from time to time.
73889
 

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At times, yes.

Some days I avoid the infidelity section because I'm already in a bad mood, or because I don't want to be put in one. Some days I'm fine reading there but I have to be aware of my limits. If I start thinking too much, it's time for me to go do something else and not feed into it or "take it home" with me.

I wouldn't say the site in general is triggering, but it definitely is a reminder for me and probably keeps things fresher in my mind than it should. Sometimes I want to shut out everything and everyone that reminds me of the crappy stuff, just so I can put it behind me and move on or not have the constant reminder.
 

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What a good question.

Yes, sometimes it does. And I like it. Ok maybe not like, but I use it to dig into the emotion and journal, discuss with my counselor or work through with some of the other tools I’ve learned. I have many triggers still, some I’m not willing to examine yet until some of the issues I’m still dealing with come to completion. But I have many that I don’t have anymore and I think it’s because of these avenues and this forum.

It may take me years, maybe forever, but I’m going to be a better person because of this experience. My triggers lead the way to that eventuality I hope.

I have seen vast improvements in my mental health already, for instance I used to purposefully trigger myself in counseling and cause panic attacks so that I could learn better ways of processing the trauma. I can’t even trigger a panic attack anymore when I try.

I still have so much to work on, it will take me years, so I guess you guys are stuck with me for at least that long.
 

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I have a trigger finger, but that is another touchy-feely problem.

.....................................................................

If you are a betrayed spouse, coming here is cathartic, in hearing others lay out their pain and their awkward solutions.
It becomes a group hug, and for some, a slap back to reality.
You learn that you are not alone.

It is also haunting, with the former BS's roaming the halls and hearing all these voices sobbing their hearts out.
At some point, I see this as not moving forward, but living in the past.

Trapped in the past, knowing your loved one shared their love and bodies with another.

We are strong in some ways, weak in others.

Pain loves company.

Group therapy is real, this is TAM's, True Value hardware.
 

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Yes; but I’m still looking to change my thinking. My late wife affair was in the mid 90’s and the gal I dated after my wife died, cheated on me too; say 2003ish. All very much in the past and yet I keep thinking about them.

this is not my main reason for being here
On this....

When most see this repeat relationship behavior happening we blame the betrayed person's picker.
OK, that is appropriate.

I also attach blame to those pickin's (themselves) that lay down a beckoning shadow, those that darken your path.

Know, that these people do not come out of 'nowhere'.

Their somewhere and yours has a sinister common thread, a pathway.

It is a common plus-minus bond, one that is inevitably harmful.

These 'types' make each other whole, then broken.


King Brian-
 
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After finding out about my wife’s affair this was m go to place to process everything. I am still with her and things are ok and I don’t think about her affair much anymore. But the few times coming here reading the stories it does bring up the bad feelings of the past. Just curious if it’s just me?
Hi BURNT KEP,
Coming here was extremely helpful for me as a BS. Prior to that, all I could see was my part in the breakdown of my marriage and I took on more blame than I should for my exH's cheating.

I took a break after I decided to take the advice I was given and came back when I felt more "mentally together". Even so, there will be the post that resonates so deeply, it will trigger me.

I use those as a benchmark to gauge how far I've come. Even if I can't offer advice, I try to be supportive if I can stand to respond. It's gotten less intense over time and continue to improve, but I removed myself from my situation and am moving forward with my life.

Maybe it's because you decided to reconcile, and when you come here, your instincts scream when they see parallels in your relationship?
 

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No. For one because it was 22 years ago when my first marriage ended and I remarried 16 years ago and secondly, no one has ever come here with the same or similar situation/circumstances that caused my marriage to end. I can barely remember being married to my first husband, its like it was in a different life.
 

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No. For one because it was 22 years ago when my first marriage ended and I remarried 16 years ago and secondly, no one has ever come here with the same or similar situation/circumstances that caused my marriage to end. I can barely remember being married to my first husband, its like it was in a different life.
Um, pull out his picture, all those old photos, especially back then.
In the early days, with his hands around your waist, with his lips plastered against yours.

Or, maybe that first week, with you and him under the covers.
Where were his hands, where were yours?
Nobody, forgets this.

Try to remember that day in September.

Then, try to forget.

 
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Um, pull out his picture, all those old photos, especially back then.
In the early days, with his hands around your waist, with his lips plastered against yours.

Then, try to forget.
I got rid of everything from my first marriage, I would probably pass him in the street and not have the faintest idea who he is today.

Some people and circumstances are best left in the past.
 

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I got rid of everything from my first marriage, I would probably pass him in the street and not have the faintest idea who he is today.

Some people and circumstances are best left in the past.
So quick.
Fast.

The denials fly.

Remember the good, let lay the bad as dog days.
 

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Um, pull out his picture, all those old photos, especially back then.
In the early days, with his hands around your waist, with his lips plastered against yours.

Or, maybe that first week, with you and him under the covers.
Where were his hands, where were yours?
Nobody, forgets this.

Try to remember that day in September.

Then, try to forget.

Honestly I barely even think about my first marriage.
 

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I bite my lip.

So often, this is needing done.

Such that the Kardashian gals are jealous, often, of my puffy lips.

I digress, and address, dress up this reply.

You are up late, are you not?
 
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So quick.
Fast.

The denials fly.

Remember the good, let lay the bad as dog days.
I can only say that b/c my first marriage was a mistake and barely lasted a year.

The 2nd one, oh it will definitely be a while before I put it out of mind, that was nearly 20 years of my life altogether.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
It's not being here that is triggering you but the fact that you think that explains partly why you are struggling with being triggered.

What are the bad feelings?

What has she done to help you?
I would say she has done enough but the stuff that she did will never be forgotten. I guess I just go along feeling all is good and then I come here and read some of the stories and it brings me back a little.
 

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No. For one because it was 22 years ago when my first marriage ended and I remarried 16 years ago and secondly, no one has ever come here with the same or similar situation/circumstances that caused my marriage to end. I can barely remember being married to my first husband, its like it was in a different life.
This is the thing, the triggers go away if you move on an love someone else, because it's the love you have for your spouse that gives the affair any power. Without that love it's just someone who did something ****ty to you.
 

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This is the thing, the triggers go away if you move on an love someone else, because it's the love you have for your spouse that gives the affair any power. Without that love it's just someone who did something ****ty to you.
The bolded says it all.

Those dung slingers need NOT have been lovers, that did so inflict pain.

Just someone.
Yes.

Pain won, is no prize

Those, all too common purveyors....we remember all of them, and not fondly.
 
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