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Or am I weird? I know that there are a lot of people here who are sad, distraught, confused, etc. so I do not want to make light of a bad situation or rub anyone's nose in it. It's just that I was feeling so disconnected to him for so long that it actually came as a relief when we decided to break up. I really felt more content and relaxed being on my own.

Granted, in my situation there was some verbal and emotional abuse - towards both me and my daughter (not his daughter). That probably had a big impact on my disconnection. She detests him and wants nothing to do with him ever again. She is 22 now and they met when she was a year and a half old. She never felt like he was her "dad" or father. My ex and I actually seperated a few years ago but the divorce took along time because I was concerned about his mental state. He is a very solitary and depressed man. I don't think he ever learned how to be a sociable person or how to parent because his own family was so messed up. I do still feel compassion for him even though he was abusive. My daughter thinks I'm nuts. lol - she's probably right.

Anyway - I like being on my own and not feeling beholden to someone who resents me even going out with girlfriends. I like being able to make plans with friends/family, going out and not having him come along and sulk the whole time we are out. THAT was so embarrassing! I like being able to work on myself and not have someone question my motives. It's liberating. Most of all I love seeing my daughter be who she wants to be and not looking at this man with disgust. That was painful. I have a lot of guilt about staying with him for so long. She said that if I had stayed with him much longer that she was planning to move out even if she didn't have the means to. I don't blame her.
 

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She likely looked at him that way because you did.

Pity isn't a good reason to sustain a relationship.

Sounds like you'd rather be single anyway.
The first part I'm not so sure of. I am actually the one who was always in the middle of them. It was as if they were fighting for my attention. I tried to tell both of them that things were different (different types of relationships) with each of them and I tried to give attention to them both but it was always a battle. I felt like a human wishbone. She began calling him names behind his back and expressing her outward disgust at age twelve (shortly after he berated her in front of her friend and I did react negatively towards him in front of her). I Think that was the beginning of the end and it took years to actually finalize things.

Your second point - yeah, absolutley. That is a definite weakness on my part and he didn't deserve it. I don't know if he actually felt it though. He still kept wanting to see me "as friends" up until recently.

Your third point - mostly. I am enjoying my freedom, as I said, but there are times that it would be nice to have someone around. However at this point I would be happy to live with my best girlfriend, who is also single.
 

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>>I did react negatively towards him in front of her). I Think that was the beginning of the end<<

I totally agree.

Once a teenager gets the idea that a parent will support their view at the expense of the other parent?

It's a one-way ticket to emotional hell.

Given your reaction now, it sounds like you're making the right move. Did you learn anything from all of this?



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I felt a sign of relief when she signed the separation agreement and i was able to keep all my retirement/no alimony/no help on her college debt/keep furniture. Man i was a happy camper.
 

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>>I did react negatively towards him in front of her). I Think that was the beginning of the end<<

I totally agree.

Once a teenager gets the idea that a parent will support their view at the expense of the other parent?

It's a one-way ticket to emotional hell.

Given your reaction now, it sounds like you're making the right move. Did you learn anything from all of this?
It wasn't just me acting negatively though, Conrad. As I said, there was abuse and I had to finally stand up and get away. That is NOT an excuse for my actions then however. I did things wrong. I never discouraged my daughter from expressing herself in whatever way she felt (even disrespectful and hurtful ways) because I thought that it was just her manner of expressing her anger towards his abuse. I should have insisted on counseling for all of us. I did suggest it years ago but he scoffed at it. My mistake for not pushing it further.

I also learned that I suck at communication. I've been the type who holds things in until I'm ready to walk away. The few times I did say "we need counseling" or "I won't tolerate that anymore", I was ready to bust. Not good at all. He also was not a communicator so it was a recipe for disaster. I also am learning that if I ever get into another realtionship, I need to heed any warning signs before getting serious. I was young when I met him and had not had enough experience to listen to what someone says. I figured "things will be different with me". Stupid.

Also I am learning a LOT just from this website and especially from the men. I have read a lot more than I post and it amazes me at some of the stuff I read and probably could have helped in my marriage.
 

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I felt a sign of relief when she signed the separation agreement and i was able to keep all my retirement/no alimony/no help on her college debt/keep furniture. Man i was a happy camper.
Lol! A different kind of relief but yeah, still a relief.
 

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I think you were married to my second husband! They sound exactly alike! When I left him back in 2008, I felt enormous relief! He was so critical and so controlling...what a relief to be free to do what I want! It was stupid stuff, like being able to watch what I wanted to on tv with no one harassing me about it. Being able to set the thermostat on whatever I wanted so I could actually be comfortable. Being able to cook with no one complaining about what I made, or to NOT cook if I didnt feel like it. These were the kinds of things I cherished.
 

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6 months later for me and it's bliss...total bliss! His presence totally dominated the house - if he was pissed off (often) everyone had to know about it

he was round recently to do something on the computer, it was a Sunday morning and I was upstairs listening to him swearing at it and thinking 'some other poor cow is going to have to deal with you now'

I don't have to be tense waiting for him to come home to see whether he's in a bad mood, I don't have to deal with the road rage, airport rage, or the complete refusal to do anything he doesn't want to do, the ranting at everyone he thinks is an idiot, watching TV in bed until 3 in the morning (I have to have total silence and darkness)

ahhhhhhhhhhhh :)
 

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Glad you're feeling relieved. I think that means that you made the right choice for you. :)
 
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I too feel a sense of relief. STBXH and I have been separated since April and I'm signing the papers to file tomorrow. I feel relief in the fact that the daily fighting is over. Relief that I finally have a chance to move on from the hurt of his affair and from always coming in last when it comes to his priorities. But with that relief comes more worries. It's hard to say divorce is for the best when children are involved. I worry about our children, we have a 6yr old and a 2yr old. I know they don't understand what's happening, they just know Daddy doesn't live with us anymore and the other changes like moving out of our family home have affected them too. I worry so much for our children...
 

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Dolly - I know that rage and that thinking that "everyone else is an idiot". So glad that neither one of us has to deal with it (at least not much) anymore!

I too feel a sense of relief. STBXH and I have been separated since April and I'm signing the papers to file tomorrow. I feel relief in the fact that the daily fighting is over. Relief that I finally have a chance to move on from the hurt of his affair and from always coming in last when it comes to his priorities. But with that relief comes more worries. It's hard to say divorce is for the best when children are involved. I worry about our children, we have a 6yr old and a 2yr old. I know they don't understand what's happening, they just know Daddy doesn't live with us anymore and the other changes like moving out of our family home have affected them too. I worry so much for our children...
Your children may have a difficult time but I doubt that it would be worse than seeing mommy and daddy fighting, hurting each other, neglecting each other. I don't know what your financial situation is but if at all possible, maybe have them talk to a child counselor or even other adults whom you trust to be loving and patient with your kids.

You're right - the worries are there but it's just another set of worries. At least you no longer have to worry about your husband and where he is/who he is with, if you are going to fight again today and now you can rebuild your confidence and trust in yourself.
 
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