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My wife and I have been married for more than 30 years. When we first met, we were attracted to each other for a variety of reasons, one of which was that we both shared a common value: remaining virgins until we were married.

Before I go any further, I respectfully ask that you not hijack this thread to interject your thoughts and opinions regarding why we valued virginity, whether it's normal or abnormal, whether it's good or bad, or right or wrong. Above all, please don't tell me "the past is past; just let it go." That's not the point of this thread - I'm not seeking advice on how to get over it.

Eleven years into our marriage, my wife received a telephone call out of the blue, from a guy she dated for 7 years and hadn't heard from in 15 years. (For more detailed information on this, please see my post from 8/20/2020). He wanted to find out whether she would be attending their upcoming class reunion that was to take place a few days later.

After speaking with her former boyfriend for 45 minutes, my jealousy got the best of me and I began to ask her questions about her past relationship with him. Much to my dismay, she informed me that she had indeed had a sexual relationship with him, even though she told me while we were going out that she was a virgin. It later came out that she had also had sexual relations with two other guys prior to meeting me.

Having lived under the belief that she and I were each other's "only ones," I was absolutely shocked and deeply disappointed to find out after 11 years of marriage that such was not the case.

From that point, which was decades ago, through the present, and more than 30 years into our marriage, I am affected by my inability to get over my wife's past. After having gone through this for decades, I just found out that it is something called retroactive jealousy, which has ties to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). To find out more about retroactive jealousy, research it online and watch YouTube videos which feature stories from individuals who experience it.

My question is this: Do any of you suffer from retroactive jealousy? If so, I would like you to share what it is like for you. In other words, what are your symptoms, how often does it affect you, etc.? Also, are you optimistic that it will go away, or do you see it as a permanent condition?

Lastly, if you can't seem to get over your spouse's past, has it affected your relationship with your spouse? If so, how?
 

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I think that mot people never ask about each other's past and mostly go by whatever the other chooses to disclose.

Your situation is different because it sounds like the two of you discussed this before you married. It was a specific issue that was important to you. She lied and was wrong to not be honest with you before you two married.

Are you more upset about her lying or about her having sex with others before you started dating and married her?
 

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Why yes I have and it just about killed me, or was killing me. It's like combat...they tell you not to look back when your running. Why...your percentage increases to catch a bullet. You'll figure out a way to get past it, or take it to your grave.
 

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I would be upset. how much I would bring that resentment into the current relationship, I don't know. I do accept that if you want to stay with someone, then you have accept what they have done and concentrate on the present and future, which is what you can reasonably influence.

I'll agree with you, this really stinks. The female equivalent would be dating a guy exclusively (you two have agree to it) who insisted on splitting everything 50/50 because that's what he does. Only to find out he acted like a sugar daddy to the women who dated before you.

I could never understand why a guy I'm dating would talk about how he used to wine and dine someone, exactly on the same date that he is trying to get me to pay for something. Well, I guess I do. some men need to brag.

Try to identify what exactly bothers you about this and perhaps that will be your pathway to closure.

Notice how I didn't say "forgive her." Has she even asked for forgiveness?
 

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The lie and what mind games appear to be your problem. For me, only time keeps my W past out of my mind.
 

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I woud be pretty shaken and very mad if I found out many years after marriage that my spouse had lied to me about something so very imortant. I would be wondering what else they had lied about over the years and whether I could trust them now.
She married you under false pretences and that is a massive thing. Has she apologised? Told you why she lied? Does she realise what a big thing this is for you?

As for what happens now, well if you two are to remain married then she needs to express real repentance, and you will need to eventually forgive her(not easy I know) or this will never go away.
 

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My wife and I have been married for more than 30 years. When we first met, we were attracted to each other for a variety of reasons, one of which was that we both shared a common value: remaining virgins until we were married.

Before I go any further, I respectfully ask that you not hijack this thread to interject your thoughts and opinions regarding why we valued virginity, whether it's normal or abnormal, whether it's good or bad, or right or wrong. Above all, please don't tell me "the past is past; just let it go." That's not the point of this thread - I'm not seeking advice on how to get over it.

Eleven years into our marriage, my wife received a telephone call out of the blue, from a guy she dated for 7 years and hadn't heard from in 15 years. (For more detailed information on this, please see my post from 8/20/2020). He wanted to find out whether she would be attending their upcoming class reunion that was to take place a few days later.

After speaking with her former boyfriend for 45 minutes, my jealousy got the best of me and I began to ask her questions about her past relationship with him. Much to my dismay, she informed me that she had indeed had a sexual relationship with him, even though she told me while we were going out that she was a virgin. It later came out that she had also had sexual relations with two other guys prior to meeting me.

Having lived under the belief that she and I were each other's "only ones," I was absolutely shocked and deeply disappointed to find out after 11 years of marriage that such was not the case.

From that point, which was decades ago, through the present, and more than 30 years into our marriage, I am affected by my inability to get over my wife's past. After having gone through this for decades, I just found out that it is something called retroactive jealousy, which has ties to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). To find out more about retroactive jealousy, research it online and watch YouTube videos which feature stories from individuals who experience it.

My question is this: Do any of you suffer from retroactive jealousy? If so, I would like you to share what it is like for you. In other words, what are your symptoms, how often does it affect you, etc.? Also, are you optimistic that it will go away, or do you see it as a permanent condition?

Lastly, if you can't seem to get over your spouse's past, has it affected your relationship with your spouse? If so, how?
That is called fraud. Most people would not get over that. You had a basic understanding of how you feel about sex and she made you believe she had the same one so that she could have the opportunity to be with you. This also took a lot of sacrifice on your part, that she pretended to give. Sacrifice that you intended to share with your spouse. That's the whole point, she robbed you of that. That is a very ****ty thing to do.

Look at this way say you told her you had a college degree and the potential to make a great living that would provide her financial happiness and security, then you married and a few years later she finds out that you lied and there will be no upward potential, I doubt she would get over it. I doubt anyone would.

There is also an imbalance in your relationship that you didn't account for because she got to experience other people. Waiting until marriage is a whole lifestyle, and worldview. For most it much bigger then sex itself. What has been her response to this? Is she aware of what a terrible thing this is?

That is going to be a hard thing for anyone to get over.

Just the fact that you think you are doing something wrong here or that it is jealousy shows that you are TOO NICE. And if she is pushing the jealousy angle she really is a piece of "work". Stop trying to prevent yourself from feeling perfectly justifiable anger and disappointment about this. Do you often try to suppress your reasonable emotions to benefit her?

I would wonder what else she has lied about.

Waiting until your marriage is a sacrifice that you make that shows a specific would view about sex. That is not judging anyone else who doesn't but if someone does that, it's extremely unfair and unjust to pretend like you care about it just to better your prospects. Somehow, because it's sex lots of people think it's OK to lie. That's some bull.

What else have you settled on?
 

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My wife and I have been married for more than 30 years. When we first met, we were attracted to each other for a variety of reasons, one of which was that we both shared a common value: remaining virgins until we were married.

Before I go any further, I respectfully ask that you not hijack this thread to interject your thoughts and opinions regarding why we valued virginity, whether it's normal or abnormal, whether it's good or bad, or right or wrong. Above all, please don't tell me "the past is past; just let it go." That's not the point of this thread - I'm not seeking advice on how to get over it.

Eleven years into our marriage, my wife received a telephone call out of the blue, from a guy she dated for 7 years and hadn't heard from in 15 years. (For more detailed information on this, please see my post from 8/20/2020). He wanted to find out whether she would be attending their upcoming class reunion that was to take place a few days later.

After speaking with her former boyfriend for 45 minutes, my jealousy got the best of me and I began to ask her questions about her past relationship with him. Much to my dismay, she informed me that she had indeed had a sexual relationship with him, even though she told me while we were going out that she was a virgin. It later came out that she had also had sexual relations with two other guys prior to meeting me.

Having lived under the belief that she and I were each other's "only ones," I was absolutely shocked and deeply disappointed to find out after 11 years of marriage that such was not the case.

From that point, which was decades ago, through the present, and more than 30 years into our marriage, I am affected by my inability to get over my wife's past. After having gone through this for decades, I just found out that it is something called retroactive jealousy, which has ties to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). To find out more about retroactive jealousy, research it online and watch YouTube videos which feature stories from individuals who experience it.

My question is this: Do any of you suffer from retroactive jealousy? If so, I would like you to share what it is like for you. In other words, what are your symptoms, how often does it affect you, etc.? Also, are you optimistic that it will go away, or do you see it as a permanent condition?

Lastly, if you can't seem to get over your spouse's past, has it affected your relationship with your spouse? If so, how?

The only way I can think of getting past that is to just get away.
That is a marriage under false pretenses. She lied. She lied to trick you into marriage.
She thought if he knew the truth he may move on and I cannot have that so I'll lie about myself to trick him into marrying me. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
No way around that lifelong pain since she is your only and you thought you two had a unique bond.
If she lied and tricked me into marriage...I'd undo that mistake by just leaving her and divorcing.

Since I doubt that is what you wanted to hear and isn't what you plan to do I do not really know what to do. You have only her. She is your only. You will have thoughts pop in about how your 11 years or however long you said it was were basically lies and under false pretenses.
You will have thoughts pop into your head of her with other men...doing things to her. (you hadn't signed up for that....you thought you were both virgins), you will have thoughts plague you that you know she has all these memories and sensations in her mind that she can relive any time she wants...while she is actually with you she may be imagining a former lover or comparing you to them in her mind and heart and having thoughts of what you do better or how she enjoyed herself with them more than you.

Her lies basically has sentenced you to a life of this. It will probably always hurt from time to time when these thoughts pop up.

Since you waited until marriage and thought you two were equally innocent for each other...this will most assuredly hurt/affect you more than those out there who both slept around a bit before marriage.
Since you believed you two were different and had saved this only for each other this probably hurts you in a way a guy who had slept with 10 women before marriage won't. He probably wouldn't care about her previous sex life. He has his own to think back upon.
She has hurt you in a way many couldn't relate too.
So, this probably will go on hurting...from time to time when these thoughts come upon you.
No real way out of it.
 

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The only way I can think of getting past that is to just get away.
That is a marriage under false pretenses. She lied. She lied to trick you into marriage.
She thought if he knew the truth he may move on and I cannot have that so I'll lie about myself to trick him into marrying me. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
No way around that lifelong pain since she is your only and you thought you two had a unique bond.
If she lied and tricked me into marriage...I'd undo that mistake by just leaving her and divorcing.

Since I doubt that is what you wanted to hear and isn't what you plan to do I do not really know what to do. You have only her. She is your only. You will have thoughts pop in about how your 11 years or however long you said it was were basically lies and under false pretenses.
You will have thoughts pop into your head of her with other men...doing things to her. (you hadn't signed up for that....you thought you were both virgins), you will have thoughts plague you that you know she has all these memories and sensations in her mind that she can relive any time she wants...while she is actually with you she may be imagining a former lover or comparing you to them in her mind and heart and having thoughts of what you do better or how she enjoyed herself with them more than you.

Her lies basically has sentenced you to a life of this. It will probably always hurt from time to time when these thoughts pop up.

Since you waited until marriage and thought you two were equally innocent for each other...this will most assuredly hurt/affect you more than those out there who both slept around a bit before marriage.
Since you believed you two were different and had saved this only for each other this probably hurts you in a way a guy who had slept with 10 women before marriage won't. He probably wouldn't care about her previous sex life. He has his own to think back upon.
She has hurt you in a way many couldn't relate too.
So, this probably will go on hurting...from time to time when these thoughts come upon you.
No real way out of it.

ps - I agree with what someone else mentioned. Retroactive jealousy, also this may apply "a bit" I'd say the actual lying and deception are more prevalent and this is not a clear case of retroactive jealousy.
That would be if you KNEW about her past when you chose to marry her and still choose to think about it verses being 100% lied to and tricked into who you were marrying.
What you are experiencing is worse.
 

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Why yes I have and it just about killed me, or was killing me. It's like combat...they tell you not to look back when your running. Why...your percentage increases to catch a bullet. You'll figure out a way to get past it, or take it to your grave.
It is his thread and post but just out of curiosity, did you know going in and chose to go all in anyway....or were you also lied to like the OP?
 

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Your spouse was both wrong and right.

She was wrong to lie to you. She was (if this was the reason) right to understand that you couldn't handle the truth.

What are you prepared to do? Are you ready to dissolve a 30 year marriage over this? Perhaps you feel justified in your anger over what happened Three. Damn. Decades. Ago. If I were your spouse, I suspect I would no longer be all that crazy about staying with someone who had that limited an ability to forgive.

What else can we say? You had a right to be upset. You have an obligation to yourself to either get over it or get out. Is she worth it? Has your marriage been nothing but an endless series of horrors brought into your life by the lying immoral person that you married? Or are you in fact happy in your day to day existence, clinging to something whose utility is long past its expiration date?
 

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Your spouse was both wrong and right.

She was wrong to lie to you. She was (if this was the reason) right to understand that you couldn't handle the truth.

What are you prepared to do? Are you ready to dissolve a 30 year marriage over this? Perhaps you feel justified in your anger over what happened Three. Damn. Decades. Ago. If I were your spouse, I suspect I would no longer be all that crazy about staying with someone who had that limited an ability to forgive.

What else can we say? You had a right to be upset. You have an obligation to yourself to either get over it or get out. Is she worth it? Has your marriage been nothing but an endless series of horrors brought into your life by the lying immoral person that you married? Or are you in fact happy in your day to day existence, clinging to something whose utility is long past its expiration date?
I dont agree that she lied due to his innability to handle the truth, she did it because he had certain things that were very important for him in any future wife which she didnt have , and she didnt share his beliefs on no sex before marriage. Her lying and deception was just plain wrong, and has probably made him think his whole marriage is and was based on a lie, which is true. She married him under false pretenses and that shakes the whole foundations of any marriage no matter how long.
 
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