Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
579 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Complains that their life sucks?

How do you handle people like this? I see this girl once every other week for my kids to have playmates and it's still too much. Everything she does irritates me because she's always making very poor decisions and then complaining to me about it later - I feel helpless.

She's handed everything, doesn't have a job, doesn't cook, doesn't clean, has high speed internet, cable TV, netflix, 2 extremely expensive gaming computers, more than 1000$ worth of copic markers, has 2 young children, wants another, locks herself in her bedroom all day and has online affairs - and she complains that it's not enough, that she can't love her husband like she can love another woman. (She actually started having sex with men for money because she wanted more - Her husband was okay with it. Hell, he took the pictures and posted them online on some escort site!!) Her home was very nice when they bought it, and now it's a dump to the point where they actually have a bedroom quarantined off. They have to keep their food in containers because there's bugs everywhere. She throws money at everybody to diagnose her and 'fix' her and they give her pills and diagnose her with this and that (Some don't, she just switches therapists until they DO tell her somethings wrong.)

She'll tell me something, I'll research it and give her the answer, she'll roll her eyes that I googled it, then her therapist will give her the exact same answer - it happens over and over. I'm so sorry, I had to rant or I was going to explode at her. Only have to see her ONE MORE TIME THIS YEAR and then that's it, I'm done!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,174 Posts
I don't like molly-coddling people who need to develop a stiff upper lip and learn to view their suffering as a universal/shared/human/typical experience rather than egocentrically. This is because I did a lot of work to get there myself. So I do get irritated if it's extreme, and they are latching onto me for some kind of overly indulgent verification that really is (1) uncalled for and (2) unhealthy for them to receive and (3) unhealthy/codependent/untruthful for me to give. In recent past, I have snapped, and given blatant negative feedback when a steady stream of un-positive/neutral feedback fell short. I probably felt okay going to this extreme because I knew the guy had a good woman friend to fall back on to peel him off the floor, and also, because he engendered the irritation through his encounters with me, I didn't feel like making the effort to protect him from a reality that he created. The icky feeling I had from being associated with him was instantly relieved. Honestly, if someone can't cope with a life they're creating, that's what therapists are for. There's a reason we have a society where we have these kind of professionals, it's because there's a time and place for them to fulfill their function. It takes the onus off of people who really aren't well-equipped to deal with emotional leeches who are he**-bent on creating chaos by disturbing the natural balance of the collective ego.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,585 Posts
Yep. I've got a girlfriend who can't deal with day to day life (working and caring for her 3 year old). She has hand on brow syndrome...can't do anything without making sure everyone else around her knows how hard her life is...yet she just told me she's planning on going into business with her boss and another woman (this in addition to her job).

How, I wonder, is she going to cope with that, when she can't even handle a regular 5 day work week + the 3 y/o? Talk about (further) complicating life...so annoying.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
579 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Sucks she's the only one close by, so I feel so terrible that the kids don't have any playmates aside from these people. I mean am I really being ignorant when I think if you're not happy with something, FIX IT? People who complain their house is always a mess but won't clean it because it's going to get messy again? Hell I've got 2 kids, my house needing cleaning is a daily thing, so I clean it.

I'm a stay at home mom who does freelance website work, but I was having trouble with biters for at the time what with the economy and all, but my husband works full time. We went 4 1/2 months without hot water once when I was 8 months pregnant and we were buried in bills (It was 300$ a month to heat the house back then, fixed it by changing to equal payments, down to like 112 a month now) and instead of complaining about it because I knew we just couldn't afford it, I got a kiddy pool, heated up some pans on the stove and bathed in that. We did that every day for almost half a year until we climbed out of debt.

It's hard for me to understand people with these mindsets. I mean are they actually HAPPY feeling sorry for themselves? I don't get it!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,585 Posts
I think they're happy when they're seeking attention and validation from others. With my friend, I have stopped giving her much sympathy...she still can't put her 3 y/o to bed at night without lying in bed with him for an hour. Then, he'll STILL get up at night to sleep in her room. Because of this, she and her H sleep in separate rooms because they don't want to wake the kid up. When she whines to me, I say nothing and shrug.

I see her much less than I used to, because I get impatient with her, and then she gets mad at me...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,162 Posts
Our friends STILL have their daughter in their bed! SHE'S 7! :eek: She'll be 8 in Feb! :eek: No thanks!

My 6 year old has been in her own bed since she was 5 or 6 months old. The only time she's in my bed with me if is she's sick, which is not very often, thank God!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
980 Posts
I think they're happy when they're seeking attention and validation from others.
Yep, and they usually will try to surround themselves with people who will help to keep them in that "victim mentality" too. Once they no longer can find people to do this, they are left to own up to or fix whatever is going on in their own lives. However, most victims that I know always seem to find one person who will always help keep them in that victim frame of mind.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,369 Posts
I would be inclined to give very short answers and after the first couple times of seeing the patterns just keep changing the subject or be pollyanna with the "Well, at least you__________" big ole sunshiney response. Because even if she doesn't get the hint I'm having a nice little fun internal chuckle. "At least you HAVE a husband/house/family/job/income" "At least he'll eat carrots" At least you aren't schizophrenic" "At least you have a counselor to help".

I prefer the "kill 'em with kindness" approach. It's passive aggressive so should only be used in this circumstance. I worked with a lady like that who snapped at me once. So after that every single day I would sincerely compliment her. It drove her crazy and I loved it. I'd say "I love that color on you!" "Those are pretty earrings." "Your hair looks nice today." Eventually she'd walk off in a huff and not even say "thank you". It was hysterical and I was being sincere and never stooping to her level.

Some people thrive on creating drama because they feel their lives are boring and unworthy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,369 Posts
Yep, and they usually will try to surround themselves with people who will help to keep them in that "victim mentality" too. Once they no longer can find people to do this, they are left to own up to or fix whatever is going on in their own lives. However, most victims that I know always seem to find one person who will always help keep them in that victim frame of mind.
I had a roommate like that once. When I would point out that she blew money on clothes vs. saving it knowing there was a water bill coming, etc. she didn't like to talk to me. She didn't like she couldn't be a victim so she made friends w/ more victims.

I was saving to buy a house so when I told her I was buying a house and would not renew the lease she went off in a huff and never spoke to me again. She started packing stuff every day and ignoring me until she moved out and left me to clean the place to get my deposit back (because she, as the victim, didn't have it).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,174 Posts
I had a tenant once who wanted to buy my house. I took the advice of my accountant and had the house appraised, to arrive at a starting point for negotiation. She said she couldn't afford even the range I was starting at, and on account of that, she HAD to move and break the lease, so she could buy a different house that she could afford. My rental agent stuck her to her lease, and said if we had to go to court to collect on the lease that she as a big grownup woman had signed her name to and agreed upon, that we would recover attorney fees and time and travel fees as stipulated in the lease. OOOOOOOOooooooo, the pain and suffering we caused this poor woman. Lucky for her, we found someone very quickly to rent as soon as she vacated, so she only had to be responsible for the cleaning and the advertising for the new rental. But it was as if I personally had caused her pain because of not having a house for sale that she could afford.

The next tenant went on and on about how her daughter lived close and she was helping with her grandchild, and how wonderful her son in law was. 6 months later she was needing to break the lease to move in with her daughter to help her with her rent because son in law had bailed. I told her gee I would love to just let you out of the lease but I have a new baby and sorry can't subsidize somebody else's daycare by going without rent and also having to pay for finding new tenant. Again, thank goodness I had a rental agent, who stuck her to it. I guess my upscale zip code made her think I could just afford to let her out of the lease.

Being a landlord is tough... you hear everything. In over a year since I've been renting the only thing I asked my landlord is for him and wife to be on emergency pickup for my kids from school if I'm not around, and also can he come in and feed and let my dog out one night when my friend went in for emergency neuro surgery. Also, in past, forms so I can get day care assistance for my kids when I had a job in the summer. I never asked for reduction in rent or some kind of financial emergency, wtf, I couldn't believe that people did that...special rules for breaking leases, but two in a row, was unbelievable.

And in the end, they could well afford to handle the terms of the lease after all. (But were more than happy to hand the financial and logistical burden onto me...even bypassed the rental agent to whom rent checks and maintenance issues were addressed, to appeal to me directly....I ought to have just hung up on them after telling them to call the agent!)
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,585 Posts
Yep, and they usually will try to surround themselves with people who will help to keep them in that "victim mentality" too. Once they no longer can find people to do this, they are left to own up to or fix whatever is going on in their own lives. However, most victims that I know always seem to find one person who will always help keep them in that victim frame of mind.
Agreed. And when everything is 'too hard' for these people, they often get left in the dust by normal folk like us, to converge in their victim-dom. LMAO...!

In my GFs case, it's her H who keeps her in her victim-like state. He's just as bad. He overcomplicates the simplest tasks, such as refusing to let her drive either of the 2 cars to work (he drops her off and picks her up, even late at night)...then they'll both complain.

She used to tell me that she didn't have time to eat...that the kid took up all her energy. I guess she never figured out that trick of eating when they do. God.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
299 Posts


You have three choices

1. Be the rescuer
2. Be the persecutor
3. Remain neutral in the center of the triangle

You can argue that theres a 4. Try to outvictim the victim, but you know how that'll work out.
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top