[bobsmith]

Still on the fence with my relationship and as I work to lose my extra 15lbs right now, I am curious if part of the reason we are having issues is my extra weight?

I will explain, when we met, my partner and I were both fit. I played sports in school and always used to being in shape. My partner was not as active but always pretty lean. Neither of us were health nuts. Over the years and 2 kids later, we both had some extra pounds.

My partner NEVER really tells me I look good but I guess I really did not either. Never really said I was fat but I certainly voiced my opposition to my own health. Over the summer, we took a vaca to an indoor swim park. I would NOT get in. I guess I just have my own insecurities with my weight.

FF to today, my partner has probably lost 10lbs and is going nuts in this health kick. I have returned the favor by moving my butt and dropping about 12lbs with about another 10 to go. I would not really call myself unhealthy looking, just "festively plump" or a few extra lbs.

I guess I have some growing concerns if my partner disapproved of my appearance or if that is "really" off the radar as much being mid 30s with kids? I would ask her but I really doubt she will tell me the truth.

Could this health kick boost our love life or is her recent health kick mean she wants to go shopping at ass mart?

 

[Hope1964]

When hubby and I were having major issues, the fact he has a 'gut' and isn't what you'd call an Adonis by any stretch was something that REALLY bugged me.

Today, he is the same physically, but I find him to be the sexiest man alive.

I guess what I am saying is that if there are other issues present, physical appearance might be seen as just another thing that your partner doesn't like. If you don't like someone, it isn't going to matter how they look, you aren't going to find them attractive. If you are madly in love with someone, they could look like the Pillsbury dough boy and you'd find them irresistible.

And yeah, losing weight is often a red flag for cheating. But only when there are others present.

 

[bobsmith]

Well, I am sort of confused by the issue. She has NEVER taken her health to this level but about 6-7 yrs ago, I pushed myself back to less than my HS weight. Unhealthy looking is what most called me because I have a baseball player build normally

Anyway, she indicated she wanted a family membership to the gym but has not explained much in her recent attack on health. She is calorie counting everything on her phone and everything. It really looks like cheating but I seriously do not know where she would find the time. She works a LOT and not really the cheating type (lol) but seems to spend a LOT more time texting and such now. I just don;t know if my slim down will really fix anything.... I guess if nothing else, I will need to drop the weight to find someone new anyway.....

 

[Hope1964]

No one who is cheated on ever thinks their spouse was capable of it, or had the time, or would EVER do such a thing.

What other reasons do you have to think she's cheating? Because not everyone who loses weight or gets on a health kick is cheating, you know.

 

[bobsmith]

Well, the story gets long but my previous posts would clear some of that. We have been "engaged" too long without pulling the trigger and from what I think, she does not think I wanted to marry her. She has told me she wants to go dating, wants out, etc but has not removed our pictures from her FB page, etc. Mixed signals as usual.

I cornered her again last weekend after she got up at 4am and went to Starbucks for coffee (odd). She was not dressed up or anything and I do believe her. Anyway, while there, she emailed me that she "did not feel herself" anymore. After our talk, it is apparent that she is overwhelmed with family life, kids, etc, and we need to get out more TOGETHER. I am working hard to help her but not getting to far.

We DID have sex 2 nights ago BUT with a twist. I rubbed on her as I normally would but she just stripped down fast and got things going. She made a point to tell me after that, "that was horny sex, NOT makeup sex, just so you know". I really am not sure whether to pull back to keep driving forward at this point....

I hear you loud and clear on the cheating and paying close attention. I will guarantee that if I find that out, I am DONE...

From what I have read (hoping this is right) is that the fact that she is not sleeping well, not eating quite right, etc, means there is at least feeling in there. The counter side would be detached completely, no feeling, no regard. I really think she is hurting and frustrated but I am trying hard to get that wall down...

 

[bobsmith]

I appreciate the help on this cheating thing and do want to discuss but I guess I originally posted to see if I should be working like mad to improve my appearance or if that is a waste a time, regarding her anyway?

Also, to answer the question of other signs, I will say she has been fighting with some medical issues for a while, being very lactose intolerant, etc and trying to "purge" her system so she will feel better. I also think she does the same thing as me when we have relationship issues.....Lose ALL appetite to eat. The reason I lost so much weight before was we were having issues and My emotions take over. I can go 3 days without eating... I was seriously looking pathetic though...

 

[Faithful Wife]

IMO, both spouses should always strive to look their best for each other, and all people should strive to be as healthy as possible for themselves.

So in short, YES.

 

[Hope1964]

IMO people should look good for THEMSELVES, not for someone else. If you're comfy with yourself and your body, then that should be good enough for you. If you want to improve things for YOU, then do so. Doing it for someone else will just end up harbouring resentment if and when they aren't as appreciative as you want them to be.

 

[Matt1720]

maybe...couldn't hurt....YES

 

[Faithful Wife]

I adhere to a much different philosophy. I want my husband to be attracted to me, and if he isn't, he should tell me so, so that I can make changes. His attraction for me is like glue in our relationship...it is not all the glue, there are many other things that act like glue as well. But it is pretty important glue.

My attraction for him is the same. It is very important to him that I am attracted to him.

Attraction is of course, more than the physical. I need to be emotionally attracted as well.

But the physical still matters, and it matters quite a lot. Having an attractive spouse is a legitimate emotional need, IMO. Others can say this is shallow or whatever...that doesn't bug me. To me, it is simply being honest with ourselves. Attraction matters and it matters a lot, period.

 

[bobsmith]

And in being honest, her efforts to lose weight sort of piss me off because she has carried some lbs for many years and now, as she is looking to get out, does she get healthy and look good, possibly for someone else.

I would LOVE to think she is doing it for me, but I should know better by now...

 

[Matt1720]

And in being honest, her efforts to lose weight sort of piss me off because she has carried some lbs for many years and now, as she is looking to get out, does she get healthy and look good, possibly for someone else.

I would LOVE to think she is doing it for me, but I should know better by now...

what does she say about it? there are many detectives with helpful tips in CWI should you need to go that route.

Trust, but verify

 

[bobsmith]

Oh, she knows I can be downright black ops when need be. Her story on the health kick is simply that she is tired of feeling like crap and working on all her allergies to detox. Now soy is out, MSG is out, lactose is out, etc. She has been visiting a new doctor that has put her on a "natural" plan.

I dunno what to think of it all. I appreciate the new bod that I always wanted to look at, but I also tend to wonder if there are other motives.

 

[Machiavelli]

I dunno what to think of it all. I appreciate the new bod that I always wanted to look at, but I also tend to wonder if there are other motives.

If you don't look good enough to get some looks from other women, most wives are going to lose interest. Actually, that happens naturally, even when you look good. Ever heard of the 7 year itch? Today's shrinks say it starts as early as 4 years in modern women.

Yes, she's getting shaped up in order to move on. She's already moved on "in her mind." You're a dead man walking. You might be able to shape up, dress sharp, up your sex rank, but it's probably too late.

 

[MEM2020]

Nothing you do will matter if she is focused on someone else.

I think you are afraid to find out or you already would have done you black ops thing. Anybody can do a nooner.

Oh, she knows I can be downright black ops when need be. Her story on the health kick is simply that she is tired of feeling like crap and working on all her allergies to detox. Now soy is out, MSG is out, lactose is out, etc. She has been visiting a new doctor that has put her on a "natural" plan.

I dunno what to think of it all. I appreciate the new bod that I always wanted to look at, but I also tend to wonder if there are other motives.

 

[LastUnicorn]

Bob you sound like a real catch!

From what you've posted in several threads, you yourself are a bit pudgy, don't make much money, expect sex every single time you do anything 'nice' for her, are resenting that she's now sporting a rockin new bod she's been depriving you of for all these years, have fathered TWO children with her, yet refused to marry her because in 11 years you couldn't put a ring on layaway........

Did I miss anything?

Because on her side, from what you have posted, she has been faithful, worked, raised your kids, made the $, been a great sexual partner for years until she figured out your game, and is working on her own health & weight issues. She's not, however, working on you or your needs any longer.

And you are still holding this ghostly promise to marry her over her head? You've told her for 11 years she wasn't good enough for you to marry her. I personally think it should have been the other way around

 

[bobsmith]

IN my own defense, I would say I am 205, still curl 150, and still bench 275, still have all my hair. I don't make 6 figures but I own 4 cars, 150K in equipment outright, and owe very little in general.

I don't expect to come off looking like a hero here, but I think there is a VERY good reason I have not been able to focus myself in the marriage direction. I guess I am just trying to learn something about myself or my partner.

 

[Machiavelli]

IN my own defense, I would say I am 205, still curl 150, and still bench 275, still have all my hair. I don't make 6 figures but I own 4 cars, 150K in equipment outright, and owe very little in general.

And how often do you get hit on by women? If you've got a power lifter physique, it will be rare.

I don't expect to come off looking like a hero here, but I think there is a VERY good reason I have not been able to focus myself in the marriage direction. I guess I am just trying to learn something about myself or my partner.

Keep thinking about if for a few more years and you'll probably figure it out.

 

[bobsmith]

Dear Bob, I agree with the last guys post, (maybe not to the degree he went with it) but the idea of putting yourself in her shoes. I stay home cleaning, cooking, and helping out the kids and some days I'll get the whole house taken care of all with little hands pulling on me and begging my attention, and I'll be running on no sleep from the night before, a full night of husband time ahead, and work the next day and inevitably I will go to take a shower and find my personal bathroom trashed, turn around and find the lamp knocked over, the kids are boomeranging through the house, and the whole place is filthly all over again and I just want to scream. If my husband didn't see me standing there about to cry and run over to hug me on these days and help me pick up one more time I think I may just get fed up enough after years and years and leave. At first you feel like you can make the whole world spin, and soon enough without any help or support or show of dedication, you forget why the heck you even wanted the world to spin, so you stop trying and start preparing for other plans. I doubt the issue has anything CLOSE to do with cheating from what you say. "it was horny sex, not makeup sex" so she clearly hasn't made or even considered getting it elsewhere because she still relies on you for it even if she doesn't put the emotion into it anymore. Get the emotional factor back into your lives. And there is never a "good reason" not to dive into the marriage thing, after everything she has done for you, she deserves to call herself wife, it would be degrading to say, yeah this is my boyfriend of 11 years, we have two kids, a house, and all this great stuff...oh married? no, no way, he's too busy. Women are extremely emotional beings and whether you like it or not, showing that level of appreciation and support and dedication, do more than a "don't leave, I love you, see look at my body" men are visual which is why you think losing the weight may help. There are FAR more underlying problems involved and she may just be gearing up to split and find someone who will be more appreciative of her capabilities as a loving partner(this does not mean she is talking to potentials so don't get you're accusations up). Lose the last ten pounds, sure, but in the mean time compliment her daily, tell her how much you appreciate every little thing she does, tell her she's a fantastic mother, tell her she looks so good, really show to her that you couldn't think of anything you'd love more than to keep her forever, and for goodness sakes whatever purpose you haven't asked her to marry you is, just do it already! She's probably starving for reassurance, security, passion, and emotional connection with you, get a babysitter and take her out, or just stay home and treat her like a queen for a day, she's a superwoman with no superman, start saving her day once in a while.

Fiora, I sincerely REALLY appreciate your reply and you sound like you know where she is coming from. I am trying to remind myself, she is hurt and I am expecting it to just get better in one day. I don't consider myself a complete deadbeat father or husband figure, but I will admit that I can be selfish and I just need someone to remind me of that sometimes. As I always tell her, she keeps me grounded and reminds me what is important in life... I so badly want to just stop trying right now because I have been working at it so hard and feel like my wheels are spinning. However, I have to think if she had sex with me, surely she cannot hate me that much, yet....

I do see and have mentioned that I DO see all that she does and I just never say anything. I am seriously working HARD on that. I told her she was "beautiful and gorgeous" and she started laughing saying "oh, now I KNOW that was hard for you to say". However, it is always in my mind.

I am hearing you on the 11 yrs. I did finally man up and got engaged 3 yrs ago but as she said, she figured it might not be sincere. I will keep trying to get through. I told her all her walls are getting tough to handle but she knows first hand that there is very little I cannot do, including break her walls down.

THANK YOU for the reassurance and guidance. Sometimes I think I need to just sit and talk with a wife of many years some time to learn what I need to do. I don't think they taught "life" 101 in college...

 

[bobsmith]

And how often do you get hit on by women? If you've got a power lifter physique, it will be rare.



Keep thinking about if for a few more years and you'll probably figure it out.

I don't mean to give ANY impression that I am a meat head or jock. Quite the opposite. I am simply trying to relay the fact that I am not yet over the hill and at the bottom.