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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have a thread in the general discussion section with the whole story but wanted input on this specific question.

I've had intuition for a while now that my wife may be involved in a PA with a coworker. For a little longer than I've had my suspicions, my wife has been paying for a cell phone for one of her High School girlfriends. This girlfriend doesn't work and has lots of free time. This friend also is the type that seems to like real life romantic drama and in her circle of girlfriends, there's a couple of them that have cheated or been cheated on. So there's the constant gossip going on, and I hear some of it from my wife. My wife is constantly texting this girlfriend more than any other friend of hers. And when I started having the concerns about my wife's fidelity, this girlfriend's demeanor kind of changed towards me. She was suddenly more quiet and didn't seem to want to talk much to me. Back then my wife also mentioned that this friend said to my wife "You better hang on to your man". I asked my wife why she would say that, and she replied that "She thinks you're a good man".

Now that I've had suspicions about one particular male coworker, Joe, I noticed that Joe texted my wife on Christmas morning. His was the first text my wife received that day. Then I noticed that right away instead of my wife returning his text, she texts this girlfriend of hers. They texted back and forth for a while. Then 90 minutes later, she texted Joe back. I didn't see the texts, only the traffic on the bill. My wife always deletes her texts, so it's gone. But I found it interesting that she texted her girlfriend right away instead of him. I kept it to myself until this week. When I asked my wife what Joe said in the text, she was silent for a moment and said she didn't know. She did kind of seem caught by my question though.

Not that I expect this girlfriend will tell me anything, but maybe one of the circle of friends have the gossip I'm looking for.

For those of you that have been down this road before, how common is it for a cheating wife to have a confidante?
 

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Think it depends on the person but you're most likely not going to get anything out of the friend regardless.
 

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Oh, there are a lot of cases WWs have an enabler or a toxic friend of the same sex. It's not exactly necessary, but I think it gives them the necessary push to start/emotional support to continue without getting too unhinged.
 

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Agreed, nearly all cheaters need to confide in someone. You may want to do some investigation before you voice your concerns to your wife. Use a VAR in the car, that has yielded solid evidence for many.
 

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Yep, my wife has always had that toxic man hating friend

The friendship always implodes.. well, because they are both toxic

But she always finds another one, there's plenty of them out
there
 

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Ya don't tip your wife off that you're onto her by talking to her friends. They'll most likely run back to her with "Hey, stuck was asking questions about you cheating on him. Be careful." It will just make it that much harder for you to find proof because she'll cover her tracks even more.

Put a VAR in her car, keylog the computer if possible, and if you can put some type of spyware on her phone. But try not to let on that you suspect anything or if you have act like your fears have been resolved.
 

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This is a very good question as I've noticed from reading this board that women often maybe usually include a friend or friends in their infidelity to help support or provide alibis.

My experience with men however is the complete opposite.
Men tend to want to keep the knowledge of their infidelity from everyone and anyone and wouldn't dream of telling a soul often even keeping it from lifelong best friends.

Someone ought to make a thread just on the subject.
:)

But as far as the OP's concern.

I think you'd have better luck with some investigative work on your own on the down-low.

Her friends are likely to tip her off even if they disagree with her choices.
May even tell her you're suspicious hoping it'll get her to stop.
They are not likely to tell you anything.

It does sound like your wife has something going on on the side though.
Get a VAR.
Get keylogger.
GPS her if you have to.
Assert some boundaries.
 

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I have a thread in the general discussion section with the whole story but wanted input on this specific question.

I've had intuition for a while now that my wife may be involved in a PA with a coworker. For a little longer than I've had my suspicions, my wife has been paying for a cell phone for one of her High School girlfriends. This girlfriend doesn't work and has lots of free time. This friend also is the type that seems to like real life romantic drama and in her circle of girlfriends, there's a couple of them that have cheated or been cheated on. So there's the constant gossip going on, and I hear some of it from my wife. My wife is constantly texting this girlfriend more than any other friend of hers. And when I started having the concerns about my wife's fidelity, this girlfriend's demeanor kind of changed towards me. She was suddenly more quiet and didn't seem to want to talk much to me. Back then my wife also mentioned that this friend said to my wife "You better hang on to your man". I asked my wife why she would say that, and she replied that "She thinks you're a good man".

Now that I've had suspicions about one particular male coworker, Joe, I noticed that Joe texted my wife on Christmas morning. His was the first text my wife received that day. Then I noticed that right away instead of my wife returning his text, she texts this girlfriend of hers. They texted back and forth for a while. Then 90 minutes later, she texted Joe back. I didn't see the texts, only the traffic on the bill. My wife always deletes her texts, so it's gone. But I found it interesting that she texted her girlfriend right away instead of him. I kept it to myself until this week. When I asked my wife what Joe said in the text, she was silent for a moment and said she didn't know. She did kind of seem caught by my question though.

Not that I expect this girlfriend will tell me anything, but maybe one of the circle of friends have the gossip I'm looking for.

For those of you that have been down this road before, how common is it for a cheating wife to have a confidante?
I can't give a percentage, but a lot of cheaters, especially women, have a confidant.

Your wife actually pays for someone else's cell phone. Your wife likes to talk to her so much, she pays for her phone. I would estimate the odds of your wife having at least one confidant at just about 100%.

Why would your wife want to associate with women who have and condone adulterous affairs? Does your wife think it is acceptable that these other women commit adultery? Do these women provide excuses for each other when they are committing adultery? Does your wife provide excuses for other women are committing adultery? Or is all of this no big deal, just provides some excitement to their boring and routine married lives?

Many on this forum would call your wife's friends "toxic," meaning toxic to your marriage.

If you want to find out if your wife is cheating on you, buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro. Buy a few. Place one in her car under the front seat. Place another in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone without you hearing or when you are not home. You should have your answer within a week.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
She knows I've had concerns as I've confronted her. She now has a cell phone from work (which almost always is kept in her car's console) and a company laptop with a badge reader.

Tell me the phone that stays in the car is not suspicious, lol. And she doesn't take it in the office either.
 

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She knows I've had concerns as I've confronted her. She now has a cell phone from work (which almost always is kept in her car's console) and a company laptop with a badge reader.

Tell me the phone that stays in the car is not suspicious, lol. And she doesn't take it in the office either.
Why would you even stay married to someone that doesn't respect you?
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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She knows I've had concerns as I've confronted her. She now has a cell phone from work (which almost always is kept in her car's console) and a company laptop with a badge reader.

Tell me the phone that stays in the car is not suspicious, lol. And she doesn't take it in the office either.
VAR the car and if that doesn't wield anything you might want to consider the PI route. Oddly enough not too many people here seem to ever use one. Probably costs a pretty penny.
 

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She knows I've had concerns as I've confronted her. She now has a cell phone from work (which almost always is kept in her car's console) and a company laptop with a badge reader.

Tell me the phone that stays in the car is not suspicious, lol. And she doesn't take it in the office either.
s'ok. a VAR is usually the thing that will catch them.

Velcro a Voice activated recorder under her car seat.

You'll have more than enough to "know" within the week.
 

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I don't want to stay anymore but without hard proof of an affair, I felt I should maybe try to get her to want to change her behavior.
You can't get her to want to change her behavior unless there are consequences FOR her behavior. She doesn't WANT to change her behavior and nothing you say or do short of making her face the consequences of what she's done will get her to change her behavior. Negative behavior needs to be rewarded with negative consequences. It's as simple as that.

A lot of people (especially the men I've noticed) come here trying to nice their WS out of affairs, reason their WS out of affairs, bargain their WS out of affairs, bring up the kids, and their history together, and their marriage, etc. That pretty much never works. They offer to reconcile, work on the marriage, offer forgiveness, etc from DDay on out only to be dissapointed when this either doesn't move the WS to change or the WS pretends to be on board only to still be seeing the other person and just being even more underground about it.

The only stories I've read here (and there are hundreds in this section) where a BS got their WS back on board was through action and laying down consequences. The sooner this is done, the more likely it is to be effective. The longer a BS waits to actually DO something, the less likely. And even then it's not a guarantee that the marriage is recoverable post D-Day.
 

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stuck, are you absolutely certain that phone your wife is paying for is in her friend's possession? That could just be a cover story for a burner phone.
 
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