Our situation is a bit different from most long term marriages. We were together for nearly 20 years, but we didn’t have kids. The only thing we’re still sharing is custody of our dog. She’s 13 and our sweet girl. He has her three days a week, I have her four, and we’ve been flexible. For example, he kept her longer when I was out of town this weekend, and I’ll do the same for him this weekend.

Things between us have been fairly amicable, but lately, I’ve started to question whether he should still have access to my life, especially online. I’ve had some really good things happen recently on a personal and professional front, and I’m proud of how far I’ve come since the divorce was finalized four months ago (we’ve been separated for nine). These wins have reminded me that my life didn’t end with our marriageand that all the good I’ve put into the world is coming back to me.

But part of me feels like he doesn’t deserve to witness that anymore.

I think it would be nice to stay FB friends with his family members especially for my nephews and niece. But the hard part is that not one person in his family ever reached out to me to ask if I was OK that they were sorry that this happened. I got along with his family better than I got along with my own family which is a whole other story in itself. I felt completely disposable as a person.

I know I’m not the only person to have gone through this life change so I am sure there are other people who have experiences to share.

Thanks.

FUll disclosure, I've not had to deal with this, but this is my opinion and how I feel I would handle it. Given that you have no children I think it is best to cut all ties. Even if you had kids I see no reason to stay friends on social media. Why would you want to see his SM presence and vice versa? What good comes from it?

 

I agree. I was never connected to my ex on social media, which is a whole story by itself, so i was never in the position of cutting him off.

But I would have and did cut his daughter off.....no kids so zero reason to have any involvement. Haven’t spoken a word to him since the divorce.

 

Every relationship is different. Once my divorce was finalized, I never spoke to my ex again. If there was social media at the time, I would have blocked her, her family and her skank friends that encouraged her cheating. I had zero interest in her or her life...zero. We had no money to speak of and no kids, so the split was easy.

 

I remained friendly-ish for my grandchildren because they asked me to (their parents were not after their divorce and friendly was important to them). I don’t think I would have been if they hadn’t asked but I’m aware some people who are divorced manage to do that. My exH's entire family disappeared after the divorce but a few years later one of his nephews got in touch because he wanted information (I had researched their family). Family usually sides with family. A clean break generally works out best for most people but it’s obviously your decision.

 

Never give personalized ammunition to those who will know how to use it best if required. Humans will be humans…..like it or not.

 

I suspect his family still likes you and misses you.

But, they do not want to get in the middle of your failed relationship.
A close friendship would soon get awkward.

They are behaving this way, out of respect for him.
He needs closure, their friendship would go counter to that.

One other possibility, your ex could have said bad things about you to give himself cover for the divorce.
This happens.

 

But, they do not want to get in the middle of your failed relationship. A close friendship would soon get awkward.

THIS. I only had a tiny amount of contact with my brother's family, so when my sister-in-law divorced him I never heard from her again. She only called me to tell me of his death (police found him in the back of the car he was living in) and more or less disinvited me the memorial service. As in: 'You really don't want to come to this, do you?' I said OK as my brother loathed me.

There w.as no social media in that day, but the end result would have been identical. They do not care what happens to you. Now, if there were business reasons to keep in touch it might have been different. Personal example: My sister-in-law's bro was a Sr. VP at a major NYC bank. And I also lost contact with the man who was my brother's best man at his wedding - who much later on became the 'Commodity King' of New York. Had the situation been reversed (me being a well-connected commodity trader like my brother) contact would have been retained..

 

I cut ties with her but kept her sister-in-law on my friends list to this day. I didn't actively follow through with keeping in contact outside of that. Lost a couple of nephews in the divorce.

 

If you feel that being connected with your ex on social is causing you anxiety or negativity in any way, you should go no contact other than related to your dog. I've never been through a divorce, but just my opinion.

 

There's no point in blocking or unfriending your ex on social media post-breakup if you plan to keep connected with his family. You should know they are all gonna tell him everything you post.

 

My ex never had social media so not an issue, we weren't married either. I don't think hubby and I would stay on socials if we divorced.

I'm not friends with any of my husbands family on socials (or irl ) so that wouldn't be an issue either pmsl. I was friends with MIL and MILJ (monster in law jr aka SIL) but unfriended them about 10 years ago.

There's other ways to stay in touch with his family if you feel you must, but it's likely not in your best interests to do so.

 

I don't do social media, but my ex did, and made it clear she didn't want to know what was going on in my life after we split. We have a couple of times run across each other at Buddhist things, and we are polite and cordial but keep the conversation short, like we each say "how are your kids?" and "fine".

 

Thank you all for your responses. A few months ago, my mother in law ran into my parents at the store. They apparently hugged and cried, and she told my mom she still adored me yet she never said a word to me in nine months. To be fair, her husband just passed away after a battle with cancer, so I know that’s been her focus.

Still, a simple message to say she cared wouldn’t have been a betrayal to him I think. But she never reached out, and I’m not expecting her to now.

He can say what he wants, but he’s the one who had an emotional affair with my friend which was someone I brought up several times in counseling because I felt she was interfering in our marriage. Clearly I was right since they’re still hanging out, and she’s never said a word to me after he and I split up either. I don’t feel the need to call him out on it because it wouldn’t be healing for me and that is what I want to focus on the most.

I have counseling next week, and I’ll check in with my counselor and I want to hear her thoughts about cutting ties with him and his family on social media.

 

Thank you all for your responses. A few months ago, my mother in law ran into my parents at the store. They apparently hugged and cried, and she told my mom she still adored me yet she never said a word to me in nine months. To be fair, her husband just passed away after a battle with cancer, so I know that’s been her focus.

I've been on both sides of this. I would have traded my eldest sister for my brother-in-law any day of the week, but it doesn't work that way. My sister was the one that blew up that relationship. He was the really nice guy that ended up getting **** on. I'm sure your MIL did and does adore you, but he is her son. The awkwardness is real. The questioning whether it is appropriate or not. The real question as to whether it would be helpful or not. Little bits of hurtful info are going to bleed over. I would suggest at least disconnecting from him. Maybe just avoid the other family members posts. In the near term you need for that ruptured bond to heal and keeping in contact is only going to keep picking at the scabs. Once you get in a better place reach out to your MIL and tell her you do miss her. Just don't expect to every get back to where you were. Cheating blows up more than just the relationship in question.

 

Additional thought:
OP - look inward with honesty. Why are you interested in remaining attached to this horde of his relatives since they are utterly indifferent to your existence. No one cares if you are ‘Okay’. Including MIL. What value do they provide to your life (or you to theirs for that matter)….other than their relationship to ex-hubby? Do you have thoughts of reconciling with him and they are a first-class conduit to that end game? Is MIL so fascinating, so captivating ($so rich or famous?) a personality that you would you want her as a close pal even if he were not her son?

 

Additional thought:
Do you have thoughts of reconciling with him and they are a first-class conduit to that end game? Is MIL so fascinating, so captivating ($so rich or famous?) a personality that you would you want her as a close pal even if he were not her son?

I have no desire to reconcile with him. I’m honestly much happier on my own without having to check in or be guilted.

My mother-in-law was more of a mother figure to me than my own mom. Her and my father-in-law, had far better social awareness and a healthier relationship dynamic than my parents.

I posted recently about a major falling out with my dad after he publicly embarrassed me in front of our extended family with comments about my divorce. He’s made inappropriate remarks for years, and my mom just laughs or ignores it instead of standing up to him though she knows it’s wrong. I always preferred spending time with my in-laws over my own parents.

Would I want to hang out with her now or be her friend? No. But it still hurts that she never once called me or texted me when I was her family for almost 20 years and I thought we had a pretty good relationship.

 

In late September of last year, you had a thread 'He Wants Divorce, I Don't' which prompted my analysis that reconciliation might be the driver to keep in touch w/MIL, not her wonderful personality. There were also comments, tucked into 9 prior posts, on his wanting children, lack of a sex life, etc. Yes, there was someone else, which probably prompted the divorce and his mom must have known, maybe he painted a portrait of you that was not flattering, altering her perceptions.

,,,,,I love him and the life we’ve built. I don’t know what comes next because I've never been an adult without him by my side......he earns twice as much as I do, and I don’t know how to protect myself. But, I also wanted to continue to work on our relationship and he has decided he no longer wants to.

I think you misread your MIL's basic friendliness politeness as a great deal more than it was, given the unfortunate relationship with your parents which amplified your response to her. These feelings were not reciprocated in the same measure. It became an imaginary connection.

 

I think you misread your MIL's basic friendliness politeness as a great deal more than it was, given the unfortunate relationship with your parents which amplified your response to her. These feelings were not reciprocated in the same measure. It became an imaginary connection.

Fascinating insight. I can't offer other advice to OP. But I think I watched my wife live through this. Her parents were...odd? And she never felt truly loved by them. She latched onto my mom (her MIL) looking for that motherly feeling. And my mom was very cuddly and lovey with the wife. But eventually my wife realized that my moms 100% focus was...her own children. And not my wife. That hit her HARD. It took her a bit of time to realize that my mom's expressions - while not fake- were NOT the same as for an actual daughter. So OP - I can attest that CounterPoint's observation may be true.