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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I am seeking your opinion as to whether my WW has been sincere in our reconciliation or am I being fooled again. After being cheated on by her I am no longer 100% trusting of my own perception of her.

The reconciliation appeared to have been going great over the past six months, in particular, with a little hiccup here and there. I knew it would take time and I could not expect perfection but continuous improvement.

Well, the other night we were getting along great and were getting ready to go out for dinner when all of a sudden she said something subtle that just rung like a bell in my ear. She said how she always tried to bring stability to our relationship. I calmly said to her, "Did you hear what you just said?" She replied, "Yes". I waited for her to correct herself and she didn't. I then told her that WSs do not have the habit of bringing stability to a household. One thing led to another and I began to tally several areas (minor not major) that she had actually been slipping on lately. She said she was lazy and that was why some of those things were slipping. These things that she let slip, while minor, were still part of our reconciliation agreement. So I asked her to go to a hotel for a couple of days so we could both think about it without fighting.

So after three days apart I get this email today,

"I miss you very much. I haven't been sleeping very well (who knew, eh) and I tear up easily and frequently. When I think about who and what I have been all my life I do not like it. I have dreams of regular everyday occurrences with strangers where I feel bad afterward about how I behave or come across. And even though I told myself before that I have to think before I react/speak in any and every situation I do not (big surprise, eh)...I feel that the situation happens too fast. I don't even know if that's an explanation or an excuse anymore.

I want you to ask me back but since I easily forget both my bad behavior and my pain I am afraid I will just go back to my same old self. And right now I can't honestly say that I feel like a different person and I don't have any answers. You miss my good parts but the rest of me doesn't cut it and doesn't compare favorably to others. And even though I think that deep down inside I am a good person (just misguided and shaped this way...liberal, eh) I haven't behaved as such and I have never really paid any consequences. Does anyone go through life without paying?

I have written and rewritten this email.

I miss you."


Your thoughts please...
 

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Ya know...she could be sincere and still not have a f'ng clue as to her wayward behaviors. Yes, she should know absolutely what she is doing, but I can say that looking at my own wife's behaviors over the last 8 months, there were times in the first 6 where she did what she should have been doing to reconcile, but my spider senses were still tingling. Unfortunately, I was right. There were just a "few" more things she was scared to tell me. It doesn't mean she didn't want to reconcile, it simply meant she had no clue as to what holding anything back meant to me. When I explained myself, she came at me with the last bit of what she was holding onto.

You and you alone know your wife. We can sit here and nit pick (sorry for the horrible wording there) into next week, but we don't know the nuances of your relationship.

Has she done heavy lifting for you? Has she answered all of your questions? What do YOU want?
 

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Do you think I am being "Played" (False Reconcilliation)
False reconciliation in the sense of still f0cking around?
False R in the sense of she maybe doesn't get it?

I want you to ask me back but since I easily forget both my bad behavior and my pain I am afraid I will just go back to my same old self. And right now I can't honestly say that I feel like a different person and I don't have any answers. You miss my good parts but the rest of me doesn't cut it and doesn't compare favorably to others. And even though I think that deep down inside I am a good person (just misguided and shaped this way...liberal, eh) I haven't behaved as such and I have never really paid any consequences. Does anyone go through life without paying?
This is a pity party. She probably is sincere too, a little manipulative at a thesame time. I don't deserve you, I'm a bad person, I need punishment, maybe you are right in not letting me back home, maybe you should divorce me...

Don't know what kind of slips, the part of the agreements she failed but maybe she's tired of paying consequences (kicked out to Hotel).
 

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Does your wife really have any clue as to what the definition of mge, REALLY is

What does she think, when she looks at her wedding ring---or does she think at all, about the symbolism of mge.

Since you have started your R---what accountability has your wife gone thru, or is she basically living the same lifestyle she had during her pre A/A days

What boundaries are actually in place, and how well are they being observed

As to you---what is your life like, do you still have problems with your sub--conscious-----can you look at her/touch her/talk to her, as you did prior to her infidelity-----are you more like roommates, than married and in love---are you really still in love with her, and if so, is it the same love you once had for her

Take stock of your life as it is now---is it satisfying to you, or would you change it, and if you would change it---HOW WOULD YOU CHANGE IT?????
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Has she done heavy lifting for you? Has she answered all of your questions? - She has done the big things like full transparency, no male friends, no girls night out, no drinking and etc. It just seems like she is not crossing her "Ts" and dotting her "Is". It's seems like she is willing to go 98.9% of the way there. Like she might be leaving a door open perhaps? She is not sensitive or reflective of her gaffs. She doesn't seem to perceive them in reference to her past mistakes.

What do YOU want? - to stick a fork in it if it is over. I do NOT want to waste one more day of my life if this reconciliation is not real.

Take stock of your life as it is now - My life, personally, has improved 200% since DDay. It made me re-evaluate more than just my marriage. I took stock of family, friendships, money & etc. I am now the #1 priority in my life and I love it! I think that is what is motivating me with this issue. I do not want to waste one more day of my life with someone who is detrimental to my happiness.
 

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She's not forthcoming about what it is she wants. She plays on how about she is confused, unworthy and yet a victim. This sounds like manipulation to me, but yes she has feelings for you. But what kind of feelings?
 

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Difficult to evaluate without some examples of how she has slipped. Has she slipped in the sense that she is ogling men or slipped as in she is not paying enough attention around the house? Which one is it?

It could very well be that she is just lazy and still sincere. Difficult to say.
 

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Be specificin what you are afraid of. Does she love you? Are you confusing her? Have yo made a list of what you need? What are you measuring her by?

Did the two of you go over the wayward spouse instructions? They seem to work well when applied.
 

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No shes being straight forward with you, allow me to translate.

"I feel guilty about cheating on you, but I am not sure I am going to stop. I care about you, but I still sort of want to see other men. But I am willing to work on it,but I am not sure I can change."
This was my exact interpretation. She seems confused. She wants to be a better person for you, but isn't sure she can help her self stay away from "bad behavior", whatever that is.

It wa a weird email without a lot of substance. This woman needs some IC.
 

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I think your leaving something out. Can't tell what is going on. How is she slipping? Why did you feel the need to respond to her statement about stability? Why tick off all of her faults? It sounds like YOU have not really decided to reconcile.
In order to reconcile you have to also seek to forgive her, not really for her, but for you. I know this personally because I struggle with it myself. If she is cheating still, and you know this, then let her go. If her slippages are petty things like not picking up the house or washing the dishes, you need to ask yourself if you are just looking for her to screw up so you can end it. In that case, end it. Your heart is not in it.
 

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It just seems like she is not crossing her "Ts" and dotting her "Is". It's seems like she is willing to go 98.9% of the way there. Like she might be leaving a door open perhaps? She is not sensitive or reflective of her gaffs. She doesn't seem to perceive them in reference to her past mistakes.
Can you be more specific please?
 

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You're in the hardest part of R - the long term change.

Your wife did the immediate concrete things you asked for as her punishment for cheating. She saw doing those as the price she paid for her crime.

Now that your past the immediate to-do's she's wondering about the long term and her ability to stick with it all.

This says to me that you and SHE haven't yet dealt with the part inside of her that let he choose to cheat in the first place. It sounds like to you dealt with the external enablers like GNOs, toxic friends etc - which created the opportunity to cheat. But what about the inside part that allowed her to choose to cheat without guilt?

Her text was a pure pitty party, but I think it also reveals that she herself is feeling like she hasn't been fixed inside - she hasn't cut out of herself the horrible part that let her make those choices.

Let me ask - has she exposed and acknowledged her cheating to friends/family? Has she taken ownership of it?

has she gone to IC at all? Stopping cheating isn't just about stopping having sex with the AP. It's about cutting out of yourself that nasty part that saw cheating as a valid choosable choice.

Has she worked to make you her #1 priority for the rest of your married days? Meaning, is she putting her passion and focus into the relationship or is she simply living inside the relationship.
 

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Do you have anything worth to salvage ?

Went through your threads. She hit all the bad spots of an affair..(Serial cheating, badmouthing you to AP, doing stuff with him that she would deny you etc)


Maybe she won't cheat on you but I don't think she has enough emotional intelligence or capability to help you deal with it for the rest of your life. Maybe this was bearable when you were ignorant about her repeated infidelities. Now might be hard. You got her best shot at it in the first few months. Now she reverted back to her original self.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Thank you all for your feedback and opinions. I am always impressed with the valuable insights the members here can give.

As I put in my original comments, during a normal conversation with my wife my last week she described our marriage in a way that was clearly and factually wrong. It was like her mind was slipping into a per-DDay view of our relationship. She was talking to me but it was like she was talking out loud to herself and trying to convince herself that the past was NOT that bad for us.

I then looked closely at her reconciliation commitments and began to realize she had begun to slip on some items there too. Things like; keeping her side of the bedroom clean, keeping her bathroom clean and not being lazy. When I pointed these things out she admitted she had become a bit lazy recently.

I asked her to go to the hotel because she was admitting to being lazy about her reconciliation commitments and she was returning to the "Fog" in her view of our past. She acknowledged, in our reconciliation, that she needed to do "heavy lifting" to help save our marriage. Not fantasy thinking and slacking.

Well, we met on Sunday to discuss where we were at and what was going on. She admitted that, in addition to the things I raised the other night, there was another issue. Just the day before my intuition went off, she had started up another "Flirty" relationship at work! She told him she was married and would not cheat, text, IM or talk on the phone with him but was willing to just chat from time to time. She said the attention made her feel good. She of course apologized profusely and said she was committed to making our marriage work. She informed him there would be no further contact.

What the hell?
 

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Thank you all for your feedback and opinions. I am always impressed with the valuable insights the members here can give.

As I put in my original comments, during a normal conversation with my wife my last week she described our marriage in a way that was clearly and factually wrong. It was like her mind was slipping into a per-DDay view of our relationship. She was talking to me but it was like she was talking out loud to herself and trying to convince herself that the past was NOT that bad for us.

I then looked closely at her reconciliation commitments and began to realize she had begun to slip on some items there too. Things like; keeping her side of the bedroom clean, keeping her bathroom clean and not being lazy. When I pointed these things out she admitted she had become a bit lazy recently.

I asked her to go to the hotel because she was admitting to being lazy about her reconciliation commitments and she was returning to the "Fog" in her view of our past. She acknowledged, in our reconciliation, that she needed to do "heavy lifting" to help save our marriage. Not fantasy thinking and slacking.

Well, we met on Sunday to discuss where we were at and what was going on. She admitted that, in addition to the things I raised the other night, there was another issue. Just the day before my intuition went off, she had started up another "Flirty" relationship at work! She told him she was married and would not cheat, text, IM or talk on the phone with him but was willing to just chat from time to time. She said the attention made her feel good. She of course apologized profusely and said she was committed to making our marriage work. She informed him there would be no further contact.

What the hell?
Time to walk comes to mind..Sorry
 
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