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Discussion Starter #1
It's been a very difficult four months for me. I was married for about a year when my husband told me that he had a one night stand with an ex of his. We have been separated since then and I don't know whether I should give him a second chance. It's not easy for me to leave him.
I just want to pinpoint some of his behaviour to see what people have to say. Do you think he is genuinely sorry for his actions?

1. He met up with the ex a couple of times for coffee at her house. Third time they had sex. He says they left each other feeling embarrassed.

2. He confessed to me that very day that he had cheated because he felt so terrible for hurting me.

3. He swears that he does not love her and has no intention of seeing her again because he is so happy ( go figure?!) with our marriage.

4. His reason for cheating was that he lost control and it excited him in the heat of the moment but had total regret afterwards.

5. He has apologised to me and my family so many times that I can't count. He has taken full responsibility of the mess he created. He is disgusted at himself and can't believe how he hurt me

6. He agrees to couple counselling.

7. He admit hat he must have commitment issues as all he wants is to be a family and be with one woman yet he destroyed that for a ten minute fcuk. He wants to fix this about himself

I don't know whether I should give him a second chance. At the moment I am passed the tears. Just really angry
 

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You need to have some answers prior to thinking about the R, the first one I would like to know is

1. Why did he meet up with the X for coffee several times without telling you?

The one time thing does not correlate with this action.
 

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What type of access to his life is he giving you to prove his actions match his words? Do you have access to his phone, email, computer?

Does he keep you updated with where he is at all times?

Meeting up with her without you knowing was a big mistake even without physical contact. The physical contact just added whipped cream and cherry to the infidelity sundae.
 

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Why did he meet her for coffee?

Have you checked his phone history/email to see how often they have been in contact leading up to the infidelity? And after? Are the messages/call history with her deleted from his phone?

Talk is cheap. It's easy to say, "I'm sorry." What has he done or is he willing to do? Give you all passwords and access to all communciation devices and accounts? Not delete any messages? Let you know his whereabouts 24/7? Write a no contact letter to her? Block her on Facebook?
 

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I think you have a good chance at reconciliation if - and this is a HUGE if - he is willing to do what he needs to do to prove he is truly remorseful.

Please read the newbie link in my signature.

He will need to make his life an open book to you. You also need to get tested for STD's, and so does he, and he needs to show you the results in writing.

You will need long term MC at the very least, maybe IC for you both as well.

You also need to be able to verify this is a one shot deal so to speak. He needs to prove to you he has never done something like this before, and he will have to prove to you for years to come he isn't doing it again.

He should be willing to chop off his left arm right now and hand it to you on a silver platter. At the very least.

If he balks at ANY of that, then show him the door.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
He dated this ex three years ago and he was madly in lovewith her. But he said that he cheated on her too when he was drunk one night with one of her friends. Then she cheated on him. A lot of mind games went on and they ended the relationship in anger.

He met up with her again three years later cause he clearly wanted to "finish" it off. But he swears he wants nothing more to do with her and is angry with himself for getting caught up in her "spell". He knew he was doing the wrong thing by meeting up with her for coffee.

Yes he lets me see all his messages on his phone. He is not on Facebook and I have his password to his email address.

I know I know. Absolute zero respect for me. All bull****
 

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He dated this ex three years ago and he was madly in lovewith her. But he said that he cheated on her too
He cheated on his ex with you, he cheated on you with his ex.

He's not just a cheater, he's a serial cheater.

Sure he's probably truly sorry.

But he'll cheat again anyway.

If you can live with that, then go right ahead.

Most probably couldn't.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I also label him as a serial cheater but does it not show that he wants to change this time? It's like an alcoholic who admits he is one and goes to meetings to dry out.
He is being transparent, admits he has a commitment problem and wants MC
It can't be that black and white as once a cheater always a cheater?!

I admit that I cheated all the time in my twenties. But I stopped cheating at the age of 32 because I realise that it was wrong. I am 41 now and would never hurt anyone like that. I have learnt. Can he not too?
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I admit that I cheated all the time in my twenties. But I stopped cheating at the age of 32 because I realise that it was wrong. I am 41 now and would never hurt anyone like that. I have learnt. Can he not too?
You cheated all the time in your 20's, as in, you were involved with one guy in a committed exclusive relationship but you screwed other guys at the same time, and you did this many times to many guys?

And now you don't do it anymore and you won't hurt anyone like that (like you hurt all those other guys) just because you're older and you somehow during the last 9 years finally decided it was wrong?

I'm curious what changed your mind, other than some years going by.
 

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Discussion Starter #11 (Edited)
I had about three relationships in my twenties and I cheated on all of them. Reason being was because I got many offers, I loved the flirting , the conquest and I had the security of a lloving boyfriend in the background. All I cared about was myself and getting a kick off men who fancied me.

The reason why I changed was because I realised that true happiness comes from
within. I also began to care about how I respected other people and no longer desired thd mind games. The high became a turn off because it no longer meant anything. I didn't desire that attention anymore as I want a more stronger bond with one person

I only wish to devote all my time and energy with one man. So does that still make me a serial cheater?! I would never cheat again. Never
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Of course people change, question is if your husband can change his core values. Serial tells IMO something about his character.

I don't know, but I would worry about the fact that he chose to cheat within one year.

If you take him back prepare yourself mentally for another round, I would say you would most likely need it.

Take care of you.
 

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1. He met up with the ex a couple of times for coffee at her house. Third time they had sex. He says they left each other feeling embarrassed.
He met her for coffee?
Even at a Starbucks, I would raise my eye brow, but at her house? What the hell was he thinking?
Plus, he went 3 times. That shows a lack of boundaries 3 times!

2. He confessed to me that very day that he had cheated because he felt so terrible for hurting me.
Or maybe he had been caught, and wanted to tell you so he could control the truth and what you thought was real, and not have you learn it from someone else. Say that woman's boyfriend or husband.

3. He swears that he does not love her and has no intention of seeing her again because he is so happy ( go figure?!) with our marriage.
Really? Happy? Happy people don't go out and just do this. Unless they are serial cheaters.

4. His reason for cheating was that he lost control and it excited him in the heat of the moment but had total regret afterwards.
That is a horrible excuse.
I drive my car fast because I like to go fast. I lose control of my car and total it. Do I learn my lesson? We'll find out depending on how my second car's life ends.
His excitement should've been stifled after the first coffee. But he went back. She had something he wanted. I find it interesting it took him 3 'coffee dates' to get in the sack.

5. He has apologised to me and my family so many times that I can't count. He has taken full responsibility of the mess he created. He is disgusted at himself and can't believe how he hurt me
No, he can.
He is just so disgusted by what he sees when he looks in the mirror, that he has no idea how to cope.

6. He agrees to couple counselling.
He should have suggested it.

7. He admit hat he must have commitment issues as all he wants is to be a family and be with one woman yet he destroyed that for a ten minute fcuk. He wants to fix this about himself
How about he get's himself fixed. Then he won't want any woman.
On a more realistic note, if he is using this as an excuse, having commitment issues, I don't think this is the first time. Commitment issues means "Yea, I had sex with your friend while we were dating. But she was hot and I was drunk!"
Not after so many years of faithful marriage "I had sex with an old ex. Oops."

I don't know whether I should give him a second chance. At the moment I am passed the tears. Just really angry
 

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[

Most probably couldn't.[/QUOTE]

I beg to differ alot allow it to happen time and time again. As lon as the bs is allowing it chances are he'll do it oer and over again.
 

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To answer you question: Alwys watch the actions, not the words.
I was married for about a year when my husband told me that he had a one night stand with an ex of his. We have been separated since then and I don't know whether I should give him a second chance. It's not easy for me to leave him.
Very bad sign. 1 year married means life can't be boring at all. It should be the noneymoon pahse. He already screwed upo this. Didn't have the decency to have mortage, couple of kids, bills piling up, little couple's time.
2. He confessed to me that very day that he had cheated because he felt so terrible for hurting me.
Very good sign. On his own, next day. full disclosure. Good sign. I see hope there.
4. His reason for cheating was that he lost control and it excited him in the heat of the moment but had total regret afterwards.
He adress impulsivity. Something to adress. His past also attest it.
5. He has apologised to me and my family so many times that I can't count. He has taken full responsibility of the mess he created. He is disgusted at himself and can't believe how he hurt me
He choss to be acountable and is trying to make amends. Very good sign.
6. He agrees to couple counselling.
It's OK. If you short of money you can recover the marriage without it. He needs mostly IC to adress his issues.
7. He admit hat he must have commitment issues as all he wants is to be a family and be with one woman yet he destroyed that for a ten minute fcuk. He wants to fix this about himself
Again good sign. Now all "he wants" needs to be put into actions. Seeking IC, reading books, surfing the web. This "commitment issues" is the first thing he can think. It sounds more explaning the water than some deep reflexion BUT it's self reflexion.

Overall, if you are seconsguessing whether it's a dealbreaker I think the odds are better than most cases.

BTW I think separating imediately was a good move. Sent the right message.


Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
 

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Overall, it is hard to say if after 1 year it is worth doing the work and then waiting to see if it happens again.

Living life with a cheater is also living life with a liar. It is a very messy way to live.

I don't know what to advise, other then look at your options and the quality of your life if you stay, and the quality of your life if you leave.

It sounds like you are still young enough to leave and start a new life with out him if you choose to do that.

Good luck with what ever you choose.
 

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Find a good therapist for yourself. Find a good therapist for him. Find an even better therapist for the two of you, together.

He may be sorry, you never really know. I thought my WS was sorry... he played the part of the remorseful husband... then I found out he had taken the affair underground for several weeks. His Oscar winning performance blew me away.

Trust and verify. Trust and verify.
 
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