Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
in my case, W had an EA that led to PA - she kissed the OM once, swore that was it. I found out that her friends encouraged her EA/PA rather than telling her to work on the marriage.

Now that we've worked things out, I told her that her friends could go F' themselves. I have no interest in spending time with someone that enabled my W!

the question is: Do you feel the same way about your WS's friends after your R? Have you confronted your WS's friends - not in a hostile way of course? Or did you just drop it and continue hanging out with them?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,815 Posts
Hell ya, I feel the same way, and ...like you, told fWW that there is no way on hell she is going to remain friends with poeple so toxic to her marriage and expect me to keep her around.

She choose her marriage.

What interesting, these "friend" she had were just as if they were the OM, I didn't know them and they never came over...they were part of her second life that me, our extended family and even her closest friends didn't know about.

All her real friends would have never tolorated FWW crap.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
I agree with all these responses for the most part.

I can also see another viewpoint, though. They are *her* friends, not *their* friends. Their encouragement might have been their way of showing support and validating her instead of being argumentative. I've seen a LOT of women like this, and although I disagree with it I can understand why.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
295 Posts
I agree with all these responses for the most part.

I can also see another viewpoint, though. They are *her* friends, not *their* friends. Their encouragement might have been their way of showing support and validating her instead of being argumentative. I've seen a LOT of women like this, and although I disagree with it I can understand why.
I can see that, also, but I would still have a VERY difficult time wanting to be friendly with them. If not one of them did anything to even try and dissuade her from engaging in that kind of behavior, then what does that say about them? I don't want to have anything to do with people who are going to not stand up/against behavior that runs counter to the type of boundaries that marriages are supposed to have.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,972 Posts
The thing is,what do these friends do the next time there is a bump in your marriage?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,524 Posts
Umm... you're not hanging out with them but how about your wife? If she is then you may want to set a condition on her to drop them out of her life. They enabled her before and its not too complicated to see it wont be too long before they enable her again. Use some common sense.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,668 Posts
I would insist that as part of R that those toxic friends be out of our lives. if they supported her in the unfaithfulness they would have to go period.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
I'd go one step further. Not only would I not have anything to do with them, anyone who promoted my WW's affair wouldn't be a friend of HERS, if she wanted R that is.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
in my case, W had an EA that led to PA - she kissed the OM once, swore that was it. I found out that her friends encouraged her EA/PA rather than telling her to work on the marriage.

Now that we've worked things out, I told her that her friends could go F' themselves. I have no interest in spending time with someone that enabled my W!

the question is: Do you feel the same way about your WS's friends after your R? Have you confronted your WS's friends - not in a hostile way of course? Or did you just drop it and continue hanging out with them?
If that had been the case with my husband EA, I would have demanded the end of the friendships as a condition of reconciliation. But each person has to chose their own path.

I guess I was lucky that when "his" people found out, they smacked him over the head and gave the "what the hell were you thinking" speech.

To me any friend of an affair is no friend at all.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
I agree there should be NC with the friends. In our case, I have not asked this of her, as she has known them since they were kids. She says her friends don't hate me..... lets skip the excuses, huh.

So she has taken a break from hanging out with them. I have no intention of hanging out with them. Though some how I'm sure they'll come over due to the holidays.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,815 Posts
With the holidays coming I suggest that if and when you do have to see them, then may I suggest the both of you be extra loving with lots of public affection...showing her friend that this marriage is important to your wife. Talk to your wife and ask her for this ahead of time, explaining to your wife that we need to show her friend and even reinforce how much the both of you love each other and the importance to work on the marriage.


Its been my experience that her friends will start to distance them selve from your wife and with that her friends attempt to contact your wife will fade.

This thinking also goes inline with Kathy Batesel reply that they (the friends) will be more supportive then arguementive with your wifes choice in her marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,613 Posts
in my case, W had an EA that led to PA - she kissed the OM once, swore that was it. I found out that her friends encouraged her EA/PA rather than telling her to work on the marriage.

Now that we've worked things out, I told her that her friends could go F' themselves. I have no interest in spending time with someone that enabled my W!

the question is: Do you feel the same way about your WS's friends after your R? Have you confronted your WS's friends - not in a hostile way of course? Or did you just drop it and continue hanging out with them?
gdtm0111,

You have to be real careful here. If you start telling your wife who she can and can't hang out with before long she'll be starting threads in this forum titled "My Controlling Husband" and she'll find herself with a hundred more friends than she had before and all of them telling her to leave you.

In my humble opinion, in 2012 the prevalent attitude among women is "the man is always wrong". In their minds you got what you deserved by being hurt by your wife's actions. I don't think you can reasonably expect any of her friends to take the side of your marriage.

That said, I never once mentioned one word to my wife regarding her friends' complicity in her infidelity. As far as I am concerned, they have all dropped off the face of the earth. I don't talk to them, I don't look at them, if I see them I leave, I don't go anywhere they are expected to be. I don't watch the kids so my wife can visit them, I don't facilitate her contact with them in any material fashion. I sought out new couples for us to be friends with. I changed the places where we socialize. If they showed up at my door, I would leave. Luckily, they only come over when I'm gone. Honestly, I do not have one word for any of these people.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,369 Posts
Unfortunately I've seen this before. I'm definitely not one of those and have told many people that the grass is not greener in divorce-land and encourage them to work with their spouse.

The one thing I do see is a reflection of the old adage "misery loves company". Generally those people are unhappy with their own relationship or lack of. They want to live vicariously through others via the newly budding taboo relationship or the ensuing drama.

I think a discussion with the spouse about these friends is important but as pointed out here, giving ultimatums can backfire, too. No easy answer but I don't blame you for not wanting to socialize with these women.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
Interesting too, we've seen a few of our couples friends who have divorced because of infidelity.

Enjoli - you're right, maybe some people really just want that extra drama or thrill in their life too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
Last night W said that one of her best longtime friends supports us working together on our marriage.

She was glad that we were making the effort, and understands my W's need to distance herself from the other friends.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,273 Posts
Just tell her, and her friends, all at the same time, face to face, that you have no problem with them remaining friends, but warn them that you have an agenda. Tell the friends who encouraged the infidelity that, from this day forward, you will do everything in your power to uncover any indiscretions in their personal lives you can find. Wen they ask you why, just say, c'mon, you girls are smart enough to figure that out; and then walk away. I doubt your wife's toxic friends will stick around.

If your wife has an issue with this then give her two options, dump the friends or hit the road.

T
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top