Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
21 - 40 of 57 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,102 Posts
Yes - I would like to say I am a person who will hold their hands up and apologise, and I like this in others. I just feel more respectful of a person who can own their sh-t and the impact it has on the other person.

Reading these posts, I would like to find a way of not feeling somewhat resentful or het up about not getting an apology. Ideally I think an apology backed up with actions is the clearest way for each party to know where they stand and not have to second guess.

Are You Waiting for an Apology That May Never Come? - Dyanne Brown

The article in the link above is interesting and talks about how waiting for an apology can hurt you and recommends letting go for that reason. Another article I read a while back talked about FOO and how some people feel that giving an apology will doom them to having to take responsibility for other/past trangressions and so they won't go there.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
20,411 Posts
Discussion Starter · #22 ·
It seemed like a good article, but I don't think I could be married to someone who could not apologize. I have dropped friends over their inability to apologize, and family members, too.

Maybe my standards are just really high. But I know how much I give in relationships, and a threshold for me is the ability to call a wrong a wrong and ask forgiveness. I do it, and I expect it.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Advocado

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
20,411 Posts
Discussion Starter · #23 ·
Asking for one will get written up in the infinitely long book of my transgressions anyhow so what's the point?
To be true to yourself. If you feel it is necessary, say that.

RlD, do you know much about boundaries? Or active listening? It sounds like your relationship needs some work.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,019 Posts
Sounds like you don't have a lot of power in your relationship, RlD. CM is planning to do a thread soon on power dynamics. Maybe that will help you.
My sense of it is that if you routinely do something requiring an apology then an apology isn't really the point. "Why do I have to remind you you're being an angry sh^thead all of the time? You don't understand or care what being civilized IS."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,019 Posts
To be true to yourself. If you feel it is necessary, say that.

RlD, do you know much about boundaries? Or active listening? It sounds like your relationship needs some work.
Are you married to a clinical paranoid? I am. Got the doctor's note and everything.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
20,411 Posts
Discussion Starter · #26 ·
My sense of it is that if you routinely do something requiring an apology then an apology isn't really the point. "Why do I have to remind you you're being an angry sh^thead all of the time? You don't understand or care what being civilized IS."
She's saying that to you? How about responding, "I feel hurt when I hear that." Would that help?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
20,411 Posts
Discussion Starter · #27 ·
Are you married to a clinical paranoid? I am. Got the doctor's note and everything.
No, I am married to a wonderfully healthy man. I am sorry for your situation. I can't imagine how challenging that is.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,416 Posts
I got an unsolicited apology yesterday for her treatment of me and cheating. It was sincere. That helped me a little. She asked if she was forgiven, and I said yes, but only after a long pause. Forgiven and forgotten are two different things. I wonder if I've really forgiven her, because I still trigger, still get mad, still feel pain. I'm trying.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
20,411 Posts
Discussion Starter · #29 ·
I got an unsolicited apology yesterday for her treatment of me and cheating. It was sincere. That helped me a little. She asked if she was forgiven, and I said yes, but only after a long pause. Forgiven and forgotten are two different things. I wonder if I've really forgiven her, because I still trigger, still get mad, still feel pain. I'm trying.
Share this with her. Be this transparent. Let her into your heart.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
980 Posts
I don't know that I "require" one verbally, actions speak louder to me. If someone wants to give me one that's fine, but to me not doing the same thing(s) over and over again that you're apologizing for in the first place speaks volumes to me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,416 Posts
Share this with her. Be this transparent. Let her into your heart.
I share these feelings. I told her last night that the pain is still right here (pointing to heart) and that it's going to take a while to get past it. But I appreciate the apology, the thought, and her actions.

I confess that I vascillate, too. Some days I feel more forgiveness than other days. This time of year, exactly, is the time she last had sex with OM. And she knows I know that. So at least I think she's being sensitive to that. Even though that event was in 2011, I found out less than a year ago so it's fresh enough in my mind.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
20,411 Posts
Discussion Starter · #32 ·
I'm so sorry, dt. I can only imagine your pain. And I feel sorry for your wife, too. How can she really make it up to you? How can she not wear the scarlet letter the rest of her life? It will always be in her heart.

I hope you two find a way to heal. And I think she carries the greater burden. How can she ever really forgive herself?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
20,411 Posts
Discussion Starter · #33 ·
I don't know that I "require" one verbally, actions speak louder to me. If someone wants to give me one that's fine, but to me not doing the same thing(s) over and over again that you're apologizing for in the first place speaks volumes to me.
But then the reason for the action has to be removed, right?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,572 Posts
I personally don't require an apology from anyone if they were to offend me unless, of course, what it is that they've done is something that is totally egregious to either me or my family; but if I were to somehow offend anybody in any way, I'd be the very first to come to them with my hat in my hand. And I do not consider myself as a doormat!

And I'd surmise that is largely due to my deep-seeded Southern upbringing!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
20,411 Posts
Discussion Starter · #36 ·
Yes, I would suppose..perhaps intensive therapy if one can't seem to stop doing the same things over and again that they are apologizing for.
Or, cheaper: Using Active Listening to get to the root cause. And both people taking responsibility for getting a change in action, including holding feet to the fire.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
20,411 Posts
Discussion Starter · #37 ·
Good for you, arbitrator!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,416 Posts
I'm so sorry, dt. I can only imagine your pain. And I feel sorry for your wife, too. How can she really make it up to you? How can she not wear the scarlet letter the rest of her life? It will always be in her heart.

I hope you two find a way to heal. And I think she carries the greater burden. How can she ever really forgive herself?
She hasn't forgiven herself, this I do know. And she also has the pain of knowing she put so much grief in the heart of OMW. She wears that pain every day. I can't help her with that burden.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
795 Posts
What is an apology? If it an acknowledgment of doing or saying something offensive, than yes, I want one.

Instead I usually get all the reasons why I am partly to blame, how it is my fault instead, and an argument ensues because I dare to bring up something he did or said that hurt my feelings, embarrassed me, etc. No remorse, no closure and certainly no acknowledgement and affirmation that he will try not to do it again.
 
21 - 40 of 57 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top