[wilson]

People get divorced for all kinds of reasons. I would like to limit this thread to just a small subset of divorces. I'm interested in the opinions of people who were in an marriage with little to no affection and that was pretty much the only problem. Basically, you would have been happy to be married if there was affection, but there wasn't, so you got divorced.

Do you regret getting divorced? Are you happier being on your own?

I'm in an good but affectionless marriage. Of course, there are normal incompatibilities, but the effect is so magnified because of the resentment from no passion. I often think about getting divorced, but I wonder if I would regret the decision. I'm in a 20+ year marriage and this problem has been going on for a while. I realized it wasn't going to get any better about 10 years ago, but by then we had a child and I didn't want her to be raised in a split family. Now that she is almost ready to leave the house, I'm thinking about what the future holds. I would be mid-50s and divorced and the thought of starting up dating then doesn't really sound all that appealing either.

I'm interested in hearing from people who were in a situation similar to mine and got divorced. What advice would you have given to the married version of you before you got divorced?

 

[dumpedandhappy]

I have no regrets that my wife ended our 19 year marriage because at the end of the day, she did me a favour.

I have found a woman and have been in a solid and rewarding LTR with a person who loves me, is passionate and affectionate. IN fact, I am stunned by her need for intimacy with me. She rocks my world and we even agree: without the Passion, without Affection, there is no need for a relationship.

Are you married to a "roomate"?

If you are like me back in marriage, dreaming of a woman who would take the time to show affection towards me, make a point of walking across the room just to kiss me hard on the lips, who grabs my hand in the morning as I try to rise from the bed to hold me tightly and tell me of her love for me.....I have news for you - She is Out There.

You will never find her if you don't try, if you don't look.

I am sorry but it isn't "good-enough" to be Content in the Marriage...you must be Happy.

 

[Holland]

I have no regrets except that it was not what I wanted my kids to go through.
That being said the kids are doing really well and my oldest said that he can see his dad and I are both happier now.

I got to the point where the resentment was really starting to build in me. I desperately wanted him to want me but the truth was that he just didn't. We were room mates and he was OK with that.

Almost 3 years down the track and I could not be happier. I am in a relationship that is full of passion, intimacy, affection and rocking sex. I now know what I want in a relationship and will not ever settle for less.

In our case all has turned out well, ex is happy and re partnered, I am happy and re partnered, ex and I co parent exceptionally well together and are friends.

Don't worry about your age, that is no barrier to finding happiness.

 

[Trickster]

You're not alone Wilson...
I could have wrote your thread. For me, after 20 years together, We don't even say I Love You. I don't want to lose my best friend though, along with all the reasons you mentioned. I don't want a split family. I have ANOTHER ten years to go...by then, I'll be in my mid-fifties.

Dating scares the heck out of me!

From what I have learned here on TAM, Most people would get divorced. Knowing that, It is still so hard to know for sure.

Welcome to the boards, you will learn a lot here.

 

[Serenity_Prayer]

I'm only separated, not divorced yet, but have lived the amicable but passionless marriage. Well, that's what I thought until I really thought about the marriage and realized it was worse, that I've been passionless/rejected/ignored so long I don't know what normal is, but am looking forward to finding out. Or living the rest of my life without a partner, which is better than feeling lonely when he's sitting on the other end of the couch. Alone, I can deal with, lonely, I cannot. I didn't want to split the family either but asked what am I teaching my children about love? I want them to grow up and expect more than a roommate who sometimes does his share and spends evenings on the computer or XBox.

 

[EnjoliWoman]

I do always advise unhappy female friends tho - work on it. Give it all you've got. At least you'll move on with no regrets.

Marriage counseling, explaining how you need the intimacy to feel loved, reading books about it and/or reading aloud to partner from books if they won't read them. Having them go to the doctor to see if there are medical reasons - low testosterone, ED that has them worried they can't perform so they avoid it, etc.

You don't say what you've done to try to change the intimacy levels. I don't suggest a berating, yelling or shameful approach but bringing it up in a positive way.

Don't stay unhappy - fix unhappy. And if you can't, you know you tried and everyone deserves happy.

 

[COGypsy]

Regret? Not for one single nanosecond. I actually can't believe how much time I wasted....

 

[wilson]

Thanks for all the replies. We have tried working on it. My wife has made good effort on talking to doctors, reading books, etc. Unfortunately, it never really seemed to make a difference.

It's good to hear that people don't seem to regret getting divorced. I think I would be happier divorced, but I may not really know until that time comes.

 

[Corpuswife]

Wilson: You are right...you can read and talk but really action on both parts is the ONLY thing that works!

I do regret my divorce, after 25 years of marriage. I tried to save the marriage but he was already out before he uttered his thoughts. I didn't have a chance.

I regret it as my kids albeit they are old suffered. My ex and I are still close. He regrets it as well (per recent phone call). My daughter at 16 years old fell apart. My ex and I never suspected that it would take a toll on my daughter as it did.

I would, at the very least, waited until she was older to divorce.

I know it doesn't happen to all families and they transition fine. It didn't happen that way...even with counseling, understanding family, support, and parents that were consistent and loving....my kids suffered.

 

[Martyn]

I was in a marriage with no affection.

We went out for 4 years after the first 2 years I could tell that in the bedroom department there was no passion from my wife...ok talk and find out what the problem is, wife didn't want to talk about it..guess I should have done something then and there, but being a 'Mr nice guy' I let it lie, everything else was going well and we loved each other.(or so I thought)

We then got married a, and with this nagging at me I asked her if she still wanted to marry me and the answer was always yes..so we got married..with the pity sex always in the background, but she always made an effort to call me hither, tell me to come in in half an hour when she'd be ready reading her book!!!.....why did I put up with this........ untill this year when things went down hill and she started the mind and blame games for lots of little things and I was blind to see it.

The bomb was dropped 6 weeks ago today and in a lot of ways I still miss her but in my heart I knew it wasn't right...so i'm happy she left to find happiness and I can find mine.....just wish she'd been honest at the time, and unfortunately I didn't do subtle.

The folks on here have been a great help, and looking at the links/books/dvd's that have been mentioned on these threads have really helped...looking back she had been detaching for quite some time years in fact... so I needed some guiadance and inspiration here...keep up the good work guys

sorry i'm not sure what to say about your situation..just be honest with yourself and them.

'sometimes the right path is not the easiest path'

 

[yogapants]

I'm torn with your same feelings - if feels so good to know there are others. In my case, with me telling my H that I wanted to separate - He says he is going to fight to help me see that we could still love each other (he has made some huge mistakes). My feelings are gone. I have three kids, two young enough that I'm considering holding off.

 

[Houstondad]

Regret? Why did you get married in the first place? Why do you not have the same/similar feelings now like you did when you first met and eventually married? You and your spouse BOTH need to look deep down yourselves to find what you have lost and rediscover what you both need.
I would venture to say 100% of ALL marriages encounter their road bumps. Just like you. And it's more common to see things become passionless. But this is where you and your spouse need to put forth effort. Communicate what is missing and what you need. Don't jump ship so damn soon. Bottom line is that it takes REAL WORK!!!
If a spouse decides to not work/put forth effort on the marriage, and they bail on their partner, they will never learn and they will more than likely REGRET it.
Don't sit on your hands like many of us have and not do anything about it. Resentment, anger, etc. sets in after time. Then it's much harder to do something about it. And if you don't give it your best shot? That's your own damn fault and will likely regret not trying.
Those of us who don't regret it came from either an emotionally/physically abusive spouse or infidelity.
And if it's Irreconcilable differences? IMHO that's just a sellout. Sorry for being so harsh. It just hits a nerve for me. When things got bad, I wouldn't throw in the towel even though I was tempted because it would have been EASY. I didn't want any regrets looking back and because I gave it my all till the end, I don't have any.

 

[brokenbythis]

I have no regrets except that it was not what I wanted my kids to go through.
That being said the kids are doing really well and my oldest said that he can see his dad and I are both happier now.

I got to the point where the resentment was really starting to build in me. I desperately wanted him to want me but the truth was that he just didn't. We were room mates and he was OK with that.

Almost 3 years down the track and I could not be happier. I am in a relationship that is full of passion, intimacy, affection and rocking sex. I now know what I want in a relationship and will not ever settle for less.
In our case all has turned out well, ex is happy and re partnered, I am happy and re partnered, ex and I co parent exceptionally well together and are friends.

Don't worry about your age, that is no barrier to finding happiness.

Yes I had a relationship like this with my ex-husband - until it all went downhill and his mental illness kicked into high gear.

This is the sort of thing I would write to my friends describing my relationship with my boyfriend/fiance/husband all the way through until about 6 years ago.

We all have such short memories. Lately I've been reading people's glowing accounts of their new/post divorce relationships and it occured to me I was reading an account of MY MARRIAGE in the first few years.

Don't write off the old relationship so harshly because I'm betting for the majority of people, it was all good at first

 

[Freak On a Leash]

People get divorced for all kinds of reasons. I would like to limit this thread to just a small subset of divorces. I'm interested in the opinions of people who were in an marriage with little to no affection and that was pretty much the only problem. Basically, you would have been happy to be married if there was affection, but there wasn't, so you got divorced.

Do you regret getting divorced? Are you happier being on your own?

My advice to you Wilson is to get divorced if you aren't happy because it's never going to get better and you are still at an age where you can get out, have fun and perhaps meet someone who is more compatible. I know how easy it is to get settled in with one person but it can be so demoralizing, humiliating even.

For a long time that was my marriage. We pretty much lived like we were divorced under the same roof. He did his thing and I did mine and we got along well enough.We would talk and do stuff as friends and with our kids. I'd climb into bed and there he would be fully clothed, his back towards me and not even give me a kiss goodnight. I dealt with it at first because he gave me a lot of freedom to go out and do what I wanted and believe it or not, we were still

friends and had good times with each other but if I wanted affection or sex I had to be the one to initiate it. I always wanted my husband to "want" me to grab me and lust after me and be totally into a physical side of our relationship. For ONE year out of 23 I had that. Was it worth it? I don't think so. At least I got 2 wonderful kids out of it but if I had to do it again..I wouldn't.

I was MUCH lonelier living with someone who basically deprived me of affection and sex then I am living alone. Sounds weird but I grew to become angry and resentful about it. I started to wonder what was wrong with ME. I felt like I was being rejected. I never cheated on him but there was a part of me that knew that if someone else DID come along who gave me the attention and affection I craved I might very well do so.

Eventually that anger and resentment surfaced and I started fighting with him a lot. We had a long talk one Christmas Eve in 2008 and made a lot of real changes in our marriage. For about a year and a half I had the husband I always wanted. We had a great time together AND we had great sex, were affectionate and totally into each other.

But that didn't last long. By the spring of 2010 he was having issues, depression, anxiety, even a strange sort of paranoia about my prior relationships BEFORE we were married. It was bizarre and I still can't figure out what happened..only that he changed and then did our relationship. And then came the alcoholism. Our marriage became much worse then it ever was before and finally it imploded in December, 2010..2 years after our "reconciliation talk" and 23 years after he proposed marriage to me on Christmas Eve 1987.

We are getting divorced 2 weeks from now and I'm glad. At last the long nightmare is over. I'm free of him emotionally and I will NEVER be in a relationship where someone isn't totally and completely into me and our relationship and withholds affection and sex. Those HAVE to be part of the package. If not, I'd much rather be by myself.

I don't mind being by myself. I'd rather be alone by myself then lonely in a relationship.

 

[COguy]

I agree with EW. You really need to earn your way out of a marriage, barring infidelity/abuse. Everyone that you spend 5,10,15,20 years with is going to get "boring" after a while. Don't expect that to change with anyone that you marry. That is the hard part about marriage, MAKING it work.

It takes a lot of effort, from both parties. If you really put in the effort, then you can walk away with less regrets (notice I didn't say no regrets).

 

[austindad]

Houstondad hits it home. IMO one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high is that our society feels "entitled" to be happy. Marriage is work. Raising children is work. Being a loving father/husband/wife/mother is work. If you are struggling with emotions towards your spouse, then tell him/her and work on a solution. Bailing is not the answer, and it never will be the answer.

You simply cannot control the other person. If they commit adultery, then I absolutely agree that is grounds for a divorce. However, if the other person simply isn't making you happy, then that is not a good reason for divorce. No one is entitled to happiness... it is something you choose to pursue. You made a commitment to your spouse, and IMO you should honor that commitment.

In the end, if it saves your marriage, you will be that much stronger. Perhaps your passion will be rekindled.

 

[geek down]

I have no regrets that my wife ended our 19 year marriage because at the end of the day, she did me a favour.

I have found a woman and have been in a solid and rewarding LTR with a person who loves me, is passionate and affectionate. IN fact, I am stunned by her need for intimacy with me. She rocks my world and we even agree: without the Passion, without Affection, there is no need for a relationship.

Are you married to a "roomate"?

If you are like me back in marriage, dreaming of a woman who would take the time to show affection towards me, make a point of walking across the room just to kiss me hard on the lips, who grabs my hand in the morning as I try to rise from the bed to hold me tightly and tell me of her love for me.....I have news for you - She is Out There.

You will never find her if you don't try, if you don't look.

I am sorry but it isn't "good-enough" to be Content in the Marriage...you must be Happy.

THIS....gives me hope...

Congrats man...keep her close..never let her go..

 

[Waking up to life]

Marriage is work. Raising children is work. Being a loving father/husband/wife/mother is work. If you are struggling with emotions towards your spouse, then tell him/her and work on a solution. Bailing is not the answer, and it never will be the answer....if the other person simply isn't making you happy, then that is not a good reason for divorce. No one is entitled to happiness... it is something you choose to pursue. You made a commitment to your spouse, and IMO you should honor that commitment.

You make the assumption that choosing divorce means taking the easy way out. You also make the assumption that if you tell your spouse you are struggling with happiness in your marriage, they will jump all over the problem and work overtime with you to try to fix it. This is not always the case.

"No one is entitled to happiness... it is something you choose to pursue." This is the same rhetoric that my H subscribes to...because I am not happy in our marriage but he's fine with it. What he's really saying is, 'I'm happy with this marriage, so if you're not, then you are simply not choosing to be happy, because my definition of a happy marriage is the correct one and yours is obviously flawed.' Having been married 19 years to a man whom our marriage has revolved around, being told "marriage is hard work" is the biggest understatement of the year. Choosing to pursue happiness does, in fact, sometimes necessitate leaving a person who hinders you from pursuing it.

 

[whitehawk]

People get divorced for all kinds of reasons. I would like to limit this thread to just a small subset of divorces. I'm interested in the opinions of people who were in an marriage with little to no affection and that was pretty much the only problem. Basically, you would have been happy to be married if there was affection, but there wasn't, so you got divorced.

Do you regret getting divorced? Are you happier being on your own?

I'm in an good but affectionless marriage. Of course, there are normal incompatibilities, but the effect is so magnified because of the resentment from no passion. I often think about getting divorced, but I wonder if I would regret the decision. I'm in a 20+ year marriage and this problem has been going on for a while. I realized it wasn't going to get any better about 10 years ago, but by then we had a child and I didn't want her to be raised in a split family. Now that she is almost ready to leave the house, I'm thinking about what the future holds. I would be mid-50s and divorced and the thought of starting up dating then doesn't really sound all that appealing either.

I'm interested in hearing from people who were in a situation similar to mine and got divorced. What advice would you have given to the married version of you before you got divorced?

My biggest lesson , you have to be really careful with loss of affection.
First thing is why ?

See with my ex , I didn't lose affection because I didn't love her anymore, I still oved her as much as I always did.
But she was just developing ways and habits that drove me nuts. None of them were what she'd aIways been like before that.
She was getting really loud , she was never loud in this way , really bossy , she knows no one bosses me around and so for her there are ways but not like that.
She wasn't looking after herself anymore , she always use to.
She was becoming more and more insensitive too , which sensitivity was always one of the special things I'd always loved about her.
I'd say things , I had to no choice because I knew how they were effecting me and in the end would make me cold.

Things like this were never her yet she just refused to take any notice of it so things got worse and worse.

If you still love each other you have to listen to each other , even take some time away alone to think , realize.
I found most of our things were things she'd known I'd hated for years yet she actually increased them.

Stuff can kill affection and so passion. So if we can admit to it or find that stuff , start taking notice of it , well it would have saved mine I know that much.

 

[austindad]

You make the assumption that choosing divorce means taking the easy way out. You also make the assumption that if you tell your spouse you are struggling with happiness in your marriage, they will jump all over the problem and work overtime with you to try to fix it. This is not always the case.

"No one is entitled to happiness... it is something you choose to pursue." This is the same rhetoric that my H subscribes to...because I am not happy in our marriage but he's fine with it. What he's really saying is, 'I'm happy with this marriage, so if you're not, then you are simply not choosing to be happy, because my definition of a happy marriage is the correct one and yours is obviously flawed.' Having been married 19 years to a man whom our marriage has revolved around, being told "marriage is hard work" is the biggest understatement of the year. Choosing to pursue happiness does, in fact, sometimes necessitate leaving a person who hinders you from pursuing it.

I was not trying to say that divorce is an easy route. I understand every situation is different; however, you married someone for a reason. If you find out later on in the marriage that the other person is not making YOU happy, then simply walking away is IMO selfish regardless of how your significant other views it.

I'm not going to discuss my experiences nor talk about your own, but telling others it's OK to walk away from such a thing is never sound advice. If you are not happy with your marriage, then "man" up and do something about it, but always make sure your plan is to save the marriage. Even if that means leaving for a little while, maintain a solid relationship with your husband/wife (talk every day, see each other, etc.). You made a commitment. You gave your word. You swore before God. We're all adults here... you reap what you sow.

Having said that, you cannot control the other person. If the other person walks, then there may come a point that you need to let go; however, if you're both committed to each other, then hopefully you never have to make that decision.