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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm not sure if it's best to post this here or in one of the D forums, but figured I'd start here since my situation is specific to cheating. I'm a little over a year since D-Day and am leaning more and more towards ending my marriage. Not because of anything that's happened in the last year; ironically much of marriage has been better since the affair than it had been in years. I just can't let go of what she did and don't know that I ever will.

Anyway, I have a question for those who had a remorseful spouse but ended up divorcing anyway. Do you regret divorcing your cheating spouse? I read somewhere that 80% of people who D wish they would have tried harder to save their marriage. I guess I'm just looking for what others may have gone through after divorcing the spouse who tried everything they could to save the marriage after they cheated.

Thanks!
 

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I read somewhere that 80% of people who D wish they would have tried harder to save their marriage.
That seems like an extremely high percentage. I am in the same boat, I just really have no desire to work on a marriage with someone who is disloyal. But, I am Wondering if it will be a huge regret.
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My question is what are the causes for regret?? Is it sharing kids or loosing the family?? And bit of finance. Apart from that what more?? I'm in the same boat, I'm moving towards D but don't want to regret later..
 

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I came to greatly love my STBXW for who I believed her to be: the big-hearted, loving, spiritual, and most-effervescent woman that she was when I had originally met her, and came to know even better.

In time, she displayed signs of becoming somewhat distanced, but was still loving toward me nonetheless~ she just seemed to enjoy doing things more on her own accord and letting me do, pretty much, the same thing!

And while I do miss her personality and assertiveness so very much, I do not miss her latent deceitfulness and clandestine activity at all. But I will greatly miss being around her loving family, i. e. mother, siblings, cousins, and their families.

Let's just say that I, for one, will be quite glad when our divorce reaches finalization. But I will fiercely miss the love that I came to feel from her family!
 

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I understand how you feel about this. My DDay was back on July 15th, last year.
Its been about 6.5 months. The pain is less than it was, but the memory has not faded.

I suppose if you could see this in a few ways:

To what lengths did your wayward spouse plan on carrying out their affair (i.e. was it just a silly fantasy or were they very serious about it & planned on leaving the children with you, etc.)

Do you have children together?

Has your WS been remorseful since DDay?

How long did it take for your spouse to be remorseful?

Have they slipped up any since DDay (i.e. contact with AP)?

Has your WS been deceitful since DDay (i.e lying about affair details)?

Has your WS been doing the heavy lifting in repairing your marriage?


I think going thru a set of questions like this can give you some insight on where you stand.

For instance, if your WS hasn't been very remorseful, slipped up on no-contact, & been deceitful since DDay (like my WW), then you know your answer.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
So Farmer, those are all very good questions and honestly I wouldn't be putting myself through this misery if I had ANY issue with what my WW was up to. She's /we're on very thin ice and she knows it. That's kinda why I specifically said a remorseful spouse that was doing everything they could.

As a bit more context, I actually had two days. Between dday 1 and dday 2 is honestly the hardest part of this whole mess and the part that's probably unforgivable. Long story short, it went from "a kiss" d-day 1, to underground for about a month and finally figuring most of the details out over a couple of weeks. It was not a fun time and exposed what a monster my wife could be.

Arbitrator, I like your perspective. Well most of it anyway, I'll be fine distancing myself from her batsh!t crazy family - oh the stories i could tell. It's no wonder she cheated. But I digress. I too love many things about my wife and she does a lot to boost my ego (less effing other guys, of course). I often wonder if she is someone I would date if I were single. It's hard to answer about the physical attraction since the beauty that comes from the unknown fades, but she has many, many qualities I admire.
 

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If my ex was truly remorseful and putting in the work of what it takes for a successful R during the first affair 5 years ago, I would probably regret the D.

But since he wasn't, we never had a good R and then he was starting another EA....yeah I'm so glad we are divorced.
 

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In my case, I knew absolutely nothing and suspected absolutely nothing out of her. It was only after she announced on one bleary March morning that she needed "distance" and that I would be "moving out" in sync with my youngest son getting out of school in May~and that we could work out our problems from afar.

I, quite dupingly, believed her. Some months after the separation, I then discovered cell phone, texting records, and FB communiques that evidenced not one, but two long-distance EA's/PA's with men from her distant past who she had reconnected up with on FB, all having gone on while we were still living under the same roof as husband and wife, and continued long after the separation~ and even continues up until this very day!

That more than proves the degree of premeditation that she originally exercised! She only wanted me to be far-removed out of sight from her family, and more especially her "new" paramours and love interests.
 

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Not my experience but a close friend. He believed it was the dealbreaker, his cheating wife tried her best, was over the top remorseful, he was adamant. A couple of years later life didn't went has happy as he hoped, started seconguessing, anger faded away with time, deeply regreted his raw decisions. He tried his way back... too late, she already moved on.
It seems a very common scenario, the main reason many coulselors, experts nad even lawyers suggest their cloents to calm down before any life altering decision.
Of course if you are too passive nad jump quickly to R only to find out later a false R you regret not taking the D path. NO way to know.
 

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maybe I'm not a good example....my ex said he was remorseful, would call me very tearful, crying, beg for a chance....we'd go in for counselling that he set up, and then he'd be a completely different person....refusing to take all blame, trying to negotiate how much "freedom" he could have in our marriage.

He only showed remorse when it was evident that I was dead serious about ending the marriage. But as soon as I gave any inclination that I might try to work on things, he became c0cky.

So we divorced (messily), and I definitely don't regret it. Truthfully, I don't know how you can ever get that trust back, and I knew I'd be living in insecurity forever, so for me it was the best decision. Absolutely no regrets.
 

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I guess from my above message, I was trying to put the question in the form of a formula or an equation. Its easier for me to see it that way....it helps me see all the factors that I think are important in a decision.

The difference is how much weight you give to each of the factors.

I also think you have to include in this formula, what your WS did affairwise.
Did they have an EA or PA?

I can honestly say if my WW had a PA, we would be done.....really no need to work it out beyond that. But this is me. Even if we had children, we would be done.

Some people have children & a extensive history with their WS...so this factor becomes a lesser one.
 

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I think it probably is a grey area. I have heard the 80% figure, but I wonder what the questions really were, what bias was introduced, etc. I would bet that the research was done to support the marriage counselling industry. Not knocking it, but I wonder....

It seems that we all have some regrets in life. It seems silly to conclude that 80% of people have regret over D. How much regret would make more sense.

Generally, those that D have less money, less time with children, less security, etc. They have to start over with dating, new in-laws, step children, face social stigmas, and other challenges.

It makes me wonder how the "regret" compares to those that stay in a bad marriage, deal with resentment for infidelity, and all that jazz.

There are horror stories on both sides of this issue. We read about them everyday on TAM.

Sounds like I am writing a "life sucks, then we die" kind of reply. LOL! It might be like Yogi Berra said, "when you come to a fork in the road, take it." And then there is the yellow brick road...;)

Bottom line for me was that I felt neither one of us would really be happy again until we moved on. She (my WW) would not realize what her betrayal did to me unless we divorced. I would be stuck enduring pain and resentment because of it. Does that really go away?!?

It actually gave me a sense of challenge to move on. The desire to improve and experience life in new ways with new people was good too.

I take the good with the bad. I don't regret that! In the end I have a fresh start, an beautiful new wife, and new plans for my future. No guarantees, but none of us ever really had them to begin with.

Enjoy the journey. I hope that made some sense, and gives you something to mull over in your state of limbo.
 

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So Farmer, those are all very good questions and honestly I wouldn't be putting myself through this misery if I had ANY issue with what my WW was up to. She's /we're on very thin ice and she knows it. That's kinda why I specifically said a remorseful spouse that was doing everything they could.

As a bit more context, I actually had two days. Between dday 1 and dday 2 is honestly the hardest part of this whole mess and the part that's probably unforgivable. Long story short, it went from "a kiss" d-day 1, to underground for about a month and finally figuring most of the details out over a couple of weeks. It was not a fun time and exposed what a monster my wife could be.

Arbitrator, I like your perspective. Well most of it anyway, I'll be fine distancing myself from her batsh!t crazy family - oh the stories i could tell. It's no wonder she cheated. But I digress. I too love many things about my wife and she does a lot to boost my ego (less effing other guys, of course). I often wonder if she is someone I would date if I were single. It's hard to answer about the physical attraction since the beauty that comes from the unknown fades, but she has many, many qualities I admire.
Trickle truth is a marriage killer. Honesty has more to do with a betrayal than the sex does. IMO.
 

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I read somewhere that 80% of people who D wish they would have tried harder to save their marriage.
This was a Cosmo survey of women (WS) that cheated and divorced while they were still in the affair (or simply because of it). They did this because they kept advising women to simply leave the M (instead of trying to work it out) if they started to be unhappy. This survey made them re-think that approach.

I'm sure the percentage of BS's that regret D'ing because of an A is much, much lower.

ETA: Might not have been just women surveyed, don't have a link to the reference handy.
 

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This was a Cosmo survey of women (WS) that cheated and divorced while they were still in the affair (or simply because of it). They did this because they kept advising women to simply leave the M (instead of trying to work it out) if they started to be unhappy. This survey made them re-think that approach.

I'm sure the percentage of BS's that regret D'ing because of an A is much, much lower.
I think there is a difference between regretting a divorce and regretting that you didn't try harder to work on your marriage.
 

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I initially had some regret. I wasn't the person that I knew I could be and was dealing with a lot of emotional issues from the death of my Mom, death of my dog and subsequent estate battle with her husband that was just plain ugly and disgusting. All of this happened while we were married (short marriage, only 14 months and we only dated 5.5 months).

We tried MC but even our counselor said that perhaps we shouldn't be married. Even tried reconciling AFTER our divorce was final (in my state you have to be separated for 1 year) but it became apparent that her perspective on life was from the viewpoint of addressing her needs and her needs only. Her partner's needs were secondary and often, if done at all, were met with hostility and resentment.

I went through some soul searching and realized I was not showing the level of gratitude I felt for her and was reacting to her negative personality instead of staying above it. But in the end, I realized that I couldn't be happy with someone like her. It seemed like no matter what I did, she found fault with it and any time I addressed a concern I had with how she reacted to something, she'd deny, dismiss or deflect. But HAD to discuss all the issues she had with me.

It cost me a bundle (over $50k) for such a short marriage. But I no longer walk around eggshells, have a dog to give me company that she didn't allow, and basically live the life I had before her. No wonder all but one of her relationships have lasted less than 1 year. Unfortunately she wasn't completely truthful about this fact until after we were married.

So for me, despite the stigma, cost and emotional heartache of being divorced after such a short period of time and probably not having kids, I'm glad we're no longer together. Some day I'd like to get married again but I'll do it much differently next time.
 

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Trickle truth is a marriage killer. Honesty has more to do with a betrayal than the sex does. IMO.
I can only wish that I had been "trickle-truthed" by STBXW~ perhaps I would have found out about her "extracurricular activities" that much sooner.

A blatant lack of honesty would be far more emblematic of her modus operandi! As a cake-eater, STBXW absolutely wanted to be quite sure that the last person on earth that she wanted to know anything about what it was that she was doing, was "yours truly!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Bottom line for me was that I felt neither one of us would really be happy again until we moved on. She (my WW) would not realize what her betrayal did to me unless we divorced. I would be stuck enduring pain and resentment because of it. Does that really go away?!?

It actually gave me a sense of challenge to move on. The desire to improve and experience life in new ways with new people was good too.
You nailed exactly what I've been thinking. I don't see how she can be happy with our marriage with someone who's constantly on the fence about whether they want to be continue or not. And I'm sure the hell not happy and still have streaks of pure resentment where I can barely stand to be in the same room as her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Trickle truth is a marriage killer. Honesty has more to do with a betrayal than the sex does. IMO.
Could not agree more. In the stream of facts about the affair she only volunteered one nugget of information (and it was a biggie but I would have figured it out eventually). That combined with some of the stuff I found in their skype conversations is something I wouldn't wish on anyone - even her and her AP.

As someone else said in another post, if it were "just" an EA, I think we could have worked on things. In fact, when I thought it was just a kiss, I really threw myself into working on the marriage knowing full well that there were plenty of things that I was doing to make our situation not all rainbows and butterflies. In the end, I was rewarded with her diving right back into the A (fortunately a$$hat lived in another state so it was mostly online except the two "vacations" they took together).
 
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