Keith,
I read your question again. You have accepted a very skewed frame for this question. Let me make a few suggestions.
Ultimately this is a question about unconditional love. So the first question should be to the person asking it: Do YOU love your partner unconditionally? And what does that really mean. Does that mean you continue feeling the same level of love for them or does it mean you actually continue to treat them in the same loving manner that you did during the honeymoon phase?
Get clarity on what they mean by conditional love. Does this mean the HD partner expects sex at a very high frequency and starts to behave in a less loving manner as soon as there is any deviation from that?
Or does this mean that they have somehow evolved over time to very mismatched desire levels and a mid-point compromise is not ok with the HD spouse. FYI: I have seen midpoint defined in a rather comical manner on this site by LD folks. For example:
LD: I want it once a month, my HD partner wants it every day, maybe we should compromise on two times a month. (this from a LD person in their late thirties).
Or is this a case of an LD spouse who feels VERY strongly that they should not have to do anything they don't FEEL like doing?
I would describe the approach below as an exercise intended to increase empathy and understanding. It can be done with either gender. Lets start with the folks who prompted this question.
Have each of the LD patients list their top two love languages whatever those are.
And then ask them how they have reacted/would react if their HD partners:
- Cut way back on those things and
- Despite the fact they told their HD spouse that they were VERY unhappy about the situation nothing changed
Just want to know how they felt and then what they have actually DONE in those situations. This is a case where the HD partner did it, and knew the LD partner was upset and made no effort to change it.
The real question is this: Was the LD partner able to love unconditionally when their top needs were not met, and their partner was not even making a good faith effort to meet those needs.
I would ask it as: Did you continue to meet your HD partners top needs despite the fact they had deprioritized you and yours? How long did you do that for?
Can you tell the difference between what your wife does to make you happy and what satisfies you about your relationship to your wife?
I am doing some writing about this topic, from a guy's perspective, and wonder if anyone would be willing to share any stories about how you learned to value your wife as a whole person and not just for what she can do for you. I talk to a lot of women who feel that the affection and love she gets is conditional on what she does for him. Sex is one of those areas this comes up frequently. How did you break this mold?
Was there an event, a close call with death, disability or divorce, that made you see her differently? What if tomorrow your wife became physically disabled and could not have sex?
Thanks for your help and I will ask permission before excerpting any stories.