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Discussion Starter #1
So my wife says I am no longer romantic, and the more we talk about it, whenever I try to do stuff she says 'you are only doing it because I said something and not because you want to do it'.

She has been reading a lot of romance novels and I can tell that she is fantasizing about cheesy romance. I even saw a text she wrote her friend that said 'i wish some amazing guy would come sweep me off my feet'. My question is, do women actually like their men to try and do the crazy cheesy romantic things that are in novels? I know that if women did over the top sexual fantasies for men, I would like that because it helps us dive into our imagination and we like that the woman is doing it solely for us. Though with her saying that it only counts if I 'want' to do things, I dont want to do something so unbelievable that it is just wasted.

What do women think, do you want your men to do the stuff that is in books? All the normal romantic things that normal people do go unnoticed these days...
 

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To answer your thread title question: Yes.
so if out of no where, I did the whole 'rose pedals in the bed, my singing on my guitar, candlelight dinner etc etc', when for years I have done nothing of the sort, she will find that romantic? Or will she just appreciate the gesture but not feel romance. I want her to FEEL romance damn it!
 

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I would say she would... if she isn't constantly on you about it and if you do it when she least expects you to follow through. You know the things you did to woo her? Yea, those... do that stuff. It won't be wasted. TBH, though, looking at it from the point of view "I don't want to waste the effort" hardly qualifies as romantic. Make the effort, show her you care. Oh, and like Jellybeans said: yes.
 

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To answer the title of your post... no. (LOL...sorry Jelly!)

I don't need want all that cheesy "romance". I do want to feel loved, appreciated, and desired.... which I think is basically what every spouse wants regardless of gender.

Some women have a very distinct romance/sex connection.... others not so much. But you have to do what works for YOUR wife, in order for her to desire YOU....

Consider her "love language", and go from there.... do it sincerely, because you want her to feel loved and desired. What do you have to lose? Woo her in a way that she can appreciate.
 

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To answer the title of your post... no. (LOL...sorry Jelly!)

I don't need want all that cheesy "romance". I do want to feel loved, appreciated, and desired.... which I think is basically what every spouse wants regardless of gender.

Some women have a very distinct romance/sex connection.... others not so much. But you have to do what works for YOUR wife, in order for her to desire YOU....

Consider her "love language", and go from there.... do it sincerely, because you want her to feel loved and desired. What do you have to lose? Woo her in a way that she can appreciate.

So her love language, is physical touch (crazy I know), but still when I go to touch her she often recoils and never touches me back. She has a strong romance/sex connection, or atleast she says, and I feel I do the normal stuff, like flowers, dishes, notes, financial stability, take care of my self, etc. So really what is left is the over the top stuff, but I have no clue if that stuff actually works on women. Like do women really go for rose pedals on the bed and all that stuff? Or is that to much
 

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I don't like OTT romantic gestures but I love to get flowers. Have never read a romance novel and am not into romantic movies.
Lucky for me I do get flowers and I make it very clear just how much I adore that gesture.

My idea of a romantic gesture is more along the lines of him giving me his undivided attention, being intune with who I am and then out of the blue days later sending me a txt that shows he listened and understood what we had talked about. Makes my heart flutter.

Making breakfast together then sitting outside to eat it is pure bliss. Also when we are going for a ride and he makes food to take with us, so sweet.
 

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whenever I try to do stuff she says 'you are only doing it because I said something and not because you want to do it'.
This is so not fair. I've been guilty of it but it's still not fair. If I ask my husband to do something and he DOES IT. I've learned to appreciate the effort and not berate him because he's not a mind reader.

So the answer is to TRY to convince her that she is your everything and that is why you will do whatever she wants. You want her to be happy. And while you wish you were as romantic as those men are in books you just aren't. If she teaches you what she wants you are willing to learn (most men are).

To answer your thread title these days yes I am a sucker for romance. I'd probably faint if my husband went to any amount of effort in the romance department I don't care what it was I'd appreciate it.
 

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Some women do. Some women don't.

Some women want romance, some want passion, some want dependability, and still others want novelty. The basic principle is that they want to feel like they matter to you and they want to believe you feel it so much sometimes that you can't help but express it.

What she is saying is that she wants you to express your love and desire for her in a way that she can notice it because that will make her feel special and valued by you. Most women do want to feel special to the one they consider special.

Make it your mission to seduce her all over again, as if you were dating. Get to know who she is now. It will revitalize things for you both. Surprise her now and again with dates or spontaneous expressions of affection. Talk to her. Who wants to be stuck in a rut? Wanting romance is just another way of saying she wants to feel alive and loved; give it to her. :)
 

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To answer your thread title these days yes I am a sucker for romance. I'd probably faint if my husband went to any amount of effort in the romance department I don't care what it was I'd appreciate it.
Same here. Hell, I've flat out told my husband SEVERAL times that I'd like flowers. And not just on Valentine's Day, Mother's Day or my birthday. Still nothing. I would definitely appreciate any kind of effort, but I doubt it'll happen.
 

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I think... you know her, if you think you need to "go over the top" then it's worth a shot.

I think my "needs" for romance are filled in lots of little ways.... a sweet slow dance around the front room when a favorite song comes on. Or he brings me something with my nickname on it... yesterday it was chocolate flavored sunflower seeds called Sunny Seeds. His humor in the morning, opening doors, rubbing my back.... it's the little stuff.

So if her language really is physical touch, then learn how to do REAL massages... do that pressure therapy (I forget the name of it) on her feet, etc...

And ya, maybe the rose petals or "Get dressed up Baby, we're going dancing" might work.

Good Luck!

*Edited: REFLEXOLOGY.... I knew it would come to me! And ya... what moxy said!!
 

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So really what is left is the over the top stuff, but I have no clue if that stuff actually works on women. Like do women really go for rose pedals on the bed and all that stuff? Or is that to much
It's not the act itself, it's the evidence of the attention paid to the act by the man doing the thing, which is a representation of his desire for her.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
You know its weird, I do think that at this point it needs the over the top kinda stuff. I am super dependable and support her financially to the point to where she doesnt need to work. I buy flowers and do notes weekly, do the dishes and vacuum the house. Its strange that I do all that stuff and still, when I spy on her texts ( I know I shouldnt do that), she says stuff to her friends like 'i want a man who sees me' or 'i want an amazing guy to come sweep me off my feet'. I used to be so angry bc I really do feel that I do all the things that 99% of my other male friends dont do and I get the least amount of respect for it....

That being said, I do think that I just need to DO stuff rather than ask if she wants me to do stuff. For the last few days, Ive asked her if she wanted a back massage before sleep and she says no. She said no tonight, I told her to roll over anyways and just started massaging and she gladly accepted and even thanked me for it. I think she is one of those women who not only doesnt say what she means, but will often say no when she means yes (ok cue the jokes). I guess at this point I dont have much to lose...any ideas of crazy OTT romantic gestures? This is my last chance to save my marriage here...
 

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It's not the act itself, it's the evidence of the attention paid to the act by the man doing the thing, which is a representation of his desire for her.
This is the problem, is that I do pay attention, she just doesnt tell me anything. So I really need to guess.....
 

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This is the problem, is that I do pay attention, she just doesnt tell me anything. So I really need to guess.....
I don't mean to imply that you aren't paying attention to HER. You sound very much like a nice guy and she sounds very pampered, so it sounds like you are trying your best to pay attention to her. However, her comments that she wants a man who sees her says several things.

1) You two are speaking different love languages. You are showing her love, but for some reason, she isn't seeing that you are doing so. You can do this more efficiently, by learning her love language and giving her just the right kind of loving expression that she understands and responds to. Try reading "The Five Love Languages" together and talking about it.

2) You're doing acts that feel too generic and not specific to her, so she feels like you'd just be doing this for anyone you're with and not necessarily just her. She doesn't feel special. She sees this expression of your affection as just a part of you and not something that she has inspired in you.

Something else that reinforces this concept is the fact that you are looking for ideas of what might be big OTT romantic gestures from people on a board and then hoping to carry them out instead of devising something that is tailored to her desires and wishes and personality. Getting ideas is a great thing and I commend your efforts to make your wife happy, but your efforts in doing so could be more precisely targeted if you look for clues at home. She is putting out hints and signals and wants you to pick them up; this is a test of your love and you're not passing it because you're not seeing the hints -- totally common among those who have a very strong desire to be "swept off the feet". She wants you to notice what hints she is putting out there.

3) You've met so many of her needs for her that you've left her nothing to contribute to the relationship and yet she feels like something is missing because she is kind of at a loss for what to do. She needs something more to occupy her time and attention so that she isn't automatically looking to you to fill the drive in her to feel alive. Once she starts feeling proud of her own achievements, she won't be looking at you to fill the hole in her sense of self worth, which is currently tied up in this romance thing.

You guys are connecting at each other instead of connecting to each other and that's what's missing and what she wants from you.


When women want big gestures, often, they want the big gestures not because they like the drama and flair of something big, but because if a guy has gone all out to show his love, then his love for her must be big and intense. If his love for her is big and intense to such an extent that he expresses it grandly, then she must really be worth something great. So, the bigger, more specifically tailored, and more personal the gesture, the more the woman feels loved; the more the woman feels loved, the more her self-confidence is lifted. The amount of time and attention the man has spent on the gesture is not really relevant, but how much it seems like he has spent on the gesture is because that is directly related to how much he must love her. That's what I mean by the attention bit.

If a guy buys his woman a card, that says something different from a guy buying her a pet, a box of candy, a piece of jewelry, a car, a home. If a guy plans a nice dinner and movie, that means something different from a guy planning a fireworks show for her, an intimate picnic in a spot overlooking the place where they had their first date, a scavenger hunt tour through all the memorable dates they've been on together. The amount of attention apparent in the planning of the gesture is an indicator of the amount of love the person has for the woman.

Playing big elaborate games all the time, though can become exhausting. All romance all the time is also unattractive because one becomes accustomed to it, building up a tolerance to it that demands more and more each time. Learning her love language will enable you to strike more often in the right place and with the right force. And, encouraging her to pursue worthwhile hobbies and activities and projects so that she can feel pride in something, will help her to become less dependent on you for her self-worth, meaning that she will appreciate more of your gestures more readily.

I don't know if that is necessarily universal, but this is how I see the situation you've presented. Use the opportunity to talk to her more; by making her an active participant in your love life, you will both benefit!
 

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Discussion Starter #16
I don't mean to imply that you aren't paying attention to HER. You sound very much like a nice guy and she sounds very pampered, so it sounds like you are trying your best to pay attention to her. However, her comments that she wants a man who sees her says several things.

1) You two are speaking different love languages. You are showing her love, but for some reason, she isn't seeing that you are doing so. You can do this more efficiently, by learning her love language and giving her just the right kind of loving expression that she understands and responds to. Try reading "The Five Love Languages" together and talking about it.

2) You're doing acts that feel too generic and not specific to her, so she feels like you'd just be doing this for anyone you're with and not necessarily just her. She doesn't feel special. She sees this expression of your affection as just a part of you and not something that she has inspired in you.

Something else that reinforces this concept is the fact that you are looking for ideas of what might be big OTT romantic gestures from people on a board and then hoping to carry them out instead of devising something that is tailored to her desires and wishes and personality. Getting ideas is a great thing and I commend your efforts to make your wife happy, but your efforts in doing so could be more precisely targeted if you look for clues at home. She is putting out hints and signals and wants you to pick them up; this is a test of your love and you're not passing it because you're not seeing the hints -- totally common among those who have a very strong desire to be "swept off the feet". She wants you to notice what hints she is putting out there.

3) You've met so many of her needs for her that you've left her nothing to contribute to the relationship and yet she feels like something is missing because she is kind of at a loss for what to do. She needs something more to occupy her time and attention so that she isn't automatically looking to you to fill the drive in her to feel alive. Once she starts feeling proud of her own achievements, she won't be looking at you to fill the hole in her sense of self worth, which is currently tied up in this romance thing.

You guys are connecting at each other instead of connecting to each other and that's what's missing and what she wants from you.


When women want big gestures, often, they want the big gestures not because they like the drama and flair of something big, but because if a guy has gone all out to show his love, then his love for her must be big and intense. If his love for her is big and intense to such an extent that he expresses it grandly, then she must really be worth something great. So, the bigger, more specifically tailored, and more personal the gesture, the more the woman feels loved; the more the woman feels loved, the more her self-confidence is lifted. The amount of time and attention the man has spent on the gesture is not really relevant, but how much it seems like he has spent on the gesture is because that is directly related to how much he must love her. That's what I mean by the attention bit.

If a guy buys his woman a card, that says something different from a guy buying her a pet, a box of candy, a piece of jewelry, a car, a home. If a guy plans a nice dinner and movie, that means something different from a guy planning a fireworks show for her, an intimate picnic in a spot overlooking the place where they had their first date, a scavenger hunt tour through all the memorable dates they've been on together. The amount of attention apparent in the planning of the gesture is an indicator of the amount of love the person has for the woman.

Playing big elaborate games all the time, though can become exhausting. All romance all the time is also unattractive because one becomes accustomed to it, building up a tolerance to it that demands more and more each time. Learning her love language will enable you to strike more often in the right place and with the right force. And, encouraging her to pursue worthwhile hobbies and activities and projects so that she can feel pride in something, will help her to become less dependent on you for her self-worth, meaning that she will appreciate more of your gestures more readily.

I don't know if that is necessarily universal, but this is how I see the situation you've presented. Use the opportunity to talk to her more; by making her an active participant in your love life, you will both benefit!
I think you have hit the nail on the head. Ive done so many things for her and have always been her rock. Ive bought her a house, cars, all kinds of stuff. And I do agree that maybe her self worth is taking a hit because she doesnt contribute anything to the relationship financially or emotionally since she doesnt work and is usually very closed off. We have both said that we are going to start working on 'finding ourselves', I just hope that in all her new activities, she doesnt find a new man, but instead starts to see the value in the things I do for her.

She doesnt take gestures like me reading books and 'trying' to fix our marriage well. I swear she is the guy in this relationship, she thinks I am lame for reading books. I did get her to take the 5 love languages test and found that hers is physical touch, though I can tell ya, its not my physical touch she loves. That is still a mystery to me, as I could have sworn it was acts of service but it wasnt.
 

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Mr Pink said: I buy flowers and do notes weekly, do the dishes and vacuum the house. Its strange that I do all that stuff and still, when I spy on her texts ( I know I shouldnt do that), she says stuff to her friends like 'i want a man who sees me' or 'i want an amazing guy to come sweep me off my feet'. I used to be so angry bc I really do feel that I do all the things that 99% of my other male friends dont do and I get the least amount of respect for it...
Are you an Acts of Service man?? You sound like you do alot here -beings she is not working.... doing the dishes & vacuuming is hardly romantic... you might have fallen into a little "Nice Guy" trap.. and these notes you write, can you give examples of what you say??

If she is reading Romance Novels... these are dripping with PASSION, a passionate DESIRE/ LUST for her body, to be taken by a man who can't control himself -kinda like star crossed lovers who have not seen each other in days/weeks and they need to be in each others arms desperately, ripping each others clothes off.

Physical & mental attraction is HUGE....do you feel this has slipped over the years ??



So her love language, is physical touch (crazy I know), but still when I go to touch her she often recoils and never touches me back.
Is it possible your style of coming on to her is ...too Nice Guyish? Just a thought...since you are helping with all this housework, this seems to go hand in hand sometimes... If you have to ASK HER if she wants sex, ASK HER if she wants a massage, right there it is like you are doing it - to please her. Not because You are showing desire to .....just TAKE HER...

SHe is thristing for some NEW spark...somewhere ....you need to revv her Dopamine levels towards you.

I think she is one of those women who not only doesnt say what she means, but will often say no when she means yes
From all you have said, this is making sense......she is not helping the situation at all, just leaving you hanging, seems she tells you she wants something -then pushes you away. She is conflicting for sure. One needs to talk about this openly & honestly... as all woman are different !! TRULY....otherwise you are just blindly stabbing in the dark for answers here.

And she doesn't know you are reading her Texts either ...hmmmm.

Some love flowers, personally I'd rather my husband pick some from the back yard, another woman would scream ! I'd rather him grab my butt & grope me over rose pedals on the bed. I am all touchy /feely - want to feel his DESIRE and passion type ( yeah like those HOT Romance novels)...... Gifts, I could care less, if he bought me flowers, I'd probably ask how much they cost ~ Not very nice. He already knows this. Now if he bought me some sexy lingerie -cause it would UP his excitment, I would be all over that !:D

Romance to me... is verbal sharing your heart, a vulnerable expressing how much the other means to you....my husband is wonderful here.... but not BIG into writing..but he has taken the time to email me a special song & a few sentences of how he feels about our life together....very touching, to the soul ....Love it .

...Or telling me he thought of us when hearing a love song at work...(we are big into music).... reaching for my hand while taking a walk, a little flirting with me out to eat, eyes at each other... roaming hands at the movie theater....acting like we are young & love is all new again.... Yeah... this IS Romance ...for me. More the Passionate amorous style....Not necessarily "corny".

I did 2 threads on these subjects - Romance Tests in these links >>

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/52372-lets-talk-romance-where-do-you-fall-these-5-examples-has-changed-over-yrs.html



http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/40452-hopeless-romantic-male-do-you-enjoy-sappy-movies-your-wife-gag-run.html
 

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She doesnt take gestures like me reading books and 'trying' to fix our marriage well. I swear she is the guy in this relationship, she thinks I am lame for reading books. I did get her to take the 5 love languages test and found that hers is physical touch, though I can tell ya, its not my physical touch she loves. That is still a mystery to me, as I could have sworn it was acts of service but it wasnt.
You need to get your hands on this book >>

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: Books

and No More Mr. Nice Guy! Books

Website >> No More Mr. Nice Guy | A Plan for Love, Sex, Dating & Career

Test here >> No More Mr. Nice Guy Self-Assessment

Here is a list of NICE GUY Characteristics - Most guys have a few of these, but the headed for doormat status "NICE guys"- posses these in abundance . The book has more detail to each little item of coarse.

Nice Guys are Givers

Nice Guys fix & Caretake

Nice Guys seek approval from others

Nice Guys avoid Conflict

Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws & mistakes

Nice Guys seek the "right" way to do things

Nice Guys REPRESS their feelings

Nice Guys often try to be different from their fathers

Nice Guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men

Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority

Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center
There is problems with each one of those -the motivation behind the doing is the issue. What is happening is -- These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are "NICE" they will be loved, get their needs met and have a smooth life.

Here is the "not-so nice" traits of Nice Guys ...

Nice guys can be Dishonest, secretive, compartmentalized, manipulative, controlling, they give to get, passive aggressive, some are full of rage, additive, have difficulty setting boundaries, frequently isolated, often attracted to people & situations that need fixing, frequently have problems in intimate relationships, have issues with sexuality, usually only relatively successful .
 

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If I'm on a good mood, I always do, or try to...

Kinda fking hard when I try to do something nice and romantic but NOOO... guess it doesn't even fking matter as long as I put out. Fk that! Plenty of women would appreciate the fact that I ALWAYS want to flirt/tease/have some FKING ROMANCE, even if I'm married waking up with the same woman everyday but NOOOO...

It doesn't fking mean sh-t!
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Are you an Acts of Service man?? You sound like you do alot here -beings she is not working.... doing the dishes & vacuuming is hardly romantic... you might have fallen into a little "Nice Guy" trap.. and these notes you write, can you give examples of what you say??

I am not an acts of service guy at all, I just went with the book and listened to what she griped about the most and assumed this was her love language, so when it wasnt I was shocked. In the notes I write about how much I miss her when she is gone, how much she means to me, and that Ill be missing her till she comes back, those types of things...

If she is reading Romance Novels... these are dripping with PASSION, a passionate DESIRE/ LUST for her body, to be taken by a man who can't control himself -kinda like star crossed lovers who have not seen each other in days/weeks and they need to be in each others arms desperately, ripping each others clothes off.

Physical & mental attraction is HUGE....do you feel this has slipped over the years ??


God yes it totally has. I think she is still super sexy but I think i am embarrassed to approach her in that way, I guess it cant hurt now can it, but didnt know how she would take it the very first time I approached her and it was WAY different than anything ive ever done before.



Is it possible your style of coming on to her is ...too Nice Guyish? Just a thought...since you are helping with all this housework, this seems to go hand in hand sometimes... If you have to ASK HER if she wants sex, ASK HER if she wants a massage, right there it is like you are doing it - to please her. Not because You are showing desire to .....just TAKE HER...

SHe is thristing for some NEW spark...somewhere ....you need to revv her Dopamine levels towards you.


Very possible. For years I used to grope and not be very sensual, untill recently she told me she didnt like that (I dont know why I would be very grabby and handsy, but she never said otherwise till recently). For a while now, ive done things like try and hold her hand, give her foot massages, etc, but those arent met with any type of response either. Literally I think she is a robot, so i was amazed to see that was her love language.

From all you have said, this is making sense......she is not helping the situation at all, just leaving you hanging, seems she tells you she wants something -then pushes you away. She is conflicting for sure. One needs to talk about this openly & honestly... as all woman are different !! TRULY....otherwise you are just blindly stabbing in the dark for answers here.

I agree, but I have no where else to turn..Ive tried it all it seems...

And she doesn't know you are reading her Texts either ...hmmmm.

I wish I wasnt, but she has been really shady all summer and this is how I know most of her true feelings...since she doesnt tell me herself..


Some love flowers, personally I'd rather my husband pick some from the back yard, another woman would scream ! I'd rather him grab my butt & grope me over rose pedals on the bed. I am all touchy /feely - want to feel his DESIRE and passion type ( yeah like those HOT Romance novels)...... Gifts, I could care less, if he bought me flowers, I'd probably ask how much they cost ~ Not very nice. He already knows this. Now if he bought me some sexy lingerie -cause it would UP his excitment, I would be all over that !:D

Everytime I mention lingerie she says 'that is so dumb why buy that for so much money etc etc'. Is this one of those scenarios where I just go buy it and tell her to wear it instead of asking her about it?
 
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