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Now that the New Year started - I wonder if my STBXW will ever see the error of her ways.
See it? Yes, and probably already does. Now, admit it? Your guess is as good as anyone's.
 

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My wife did not, though that was because of her Asperger's syndrome. However, when she saw how upset I was after she ended her affair, she was filled with regret for having hurt me.
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Well, now that the holidays are over and my kids have left - I wonder if she ever thought about the consequences of her behaviour.
 

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bigtone128: I know it's tough to do and I understand the pain - but the best advice is probably for you to not hold your breath waiting for your wife to suddenly snap out of her fog. It might be a case of a MLC permanently changing her. Some people never come out of it.

Some WS see they made a mistake, others don't. Some see they made a mistake but think it's too late so just carry on.

Try to move on, work on yourself, being a great parent and let your WS make a fool of herself on her own. Try not to care. If she eventually comes around, try to be in a position where you'll be so happy with your current situation that it would be a real decision whether to let her back in your life.

Good luck in 2013!
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
bigtone128: I know it's tough to do and I understand the pain - but the best advice is probably for you to not hold your breath waiting for your wife to suddenly snap out of her fog. It might be a case of a MLC permanently changing her. Some people never come out of it.

Some WS see they made a mistake, others don't. Some see they made a mistake but think it's too late so just carry on.

Try to move on, work on yourself, being a great parent and let your WS make a fool of herself on her own. Try not to care. If she eventually comes around, try to be in a position where you'll be so happy with your current situation that it would be a real decision whether to let her back in your life.

Good luck in 2013!
Thanks Cedar....she is going through a MLC I think but I do not understand why this changes people soo much...

I made a MAJOR mistake over the holidays - my youngest son and I got along great and we started healing from all this crap and he disclosed stuff she did last summer with me and how it upset him...I was concerned after he left to university so I brought it up with her and how we should be concerned about him and disclosed what he told me.....I think she went to him and used it against me what an evil b****. Anyways any advise on how to handle this situation.
 

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Now that the New Year started - I wonder if my STBXW will ever see the error of her ways.
Never entirely. But in some ways they can't help but to see them. The next question is do they really care? And again, they do and they don't.

Remember, marital betrayal is so hateful and despicable that people who do such things are 'different' and it's part of their mentality to hurt people as badly as they can for their personal gratification. Their very nature is lies and deception. So there's only so much they can really change.
 

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Well, now that the holidays are over and my kids have left - I wonder if she ever thought about the consequences of her behaviour.
While she was enjoying her OM? NEVER, NOT FOR A SECOND. Not even the most remorseful of the bunch gave a rats ass about their husbands/wives/kids while getting laid or out to dinner or enjoying the company of the AP. Take that to the bank.
 

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BT- mine did not- her cheating was my fault.

I was bad mouthed to her family and probably most others that would listen. I guess that is par for the course as a wayward attempts to shift blame for their own actions to someone else??

However, oddly enough- this Christmas the XW wanted to spend time with me and the kids in my house. I just said no thanks.
 

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Thanks Cedar....she is going through a MLC I think but I do not understand why this changes people soo much...

I made a MAJOR mistake over the holidays - my youngest son and I got along great and we started healing from all this crap and he disclosed stuff she did last summer with me and how it upset him...I was concerned after he left to university so I brought it up with her and how we should be concerned about him and disclosed what he told me.....I think she went to him and used it against me what an evil b****. Anyways any advise on how to handle this situation.
A WS who is a parent will always try to appear like a "victim" to their own children. It is a defense mechanism. So your wife might have told your son that you said "B" when you really said "A". Unfortunately, you cannot control what your wife says to your son - but if there is an obvious sign of an attempt on her part to alienate you, I would get an attorney working on it. Parental alienation is as bad a betrayal as an affair. That's why you have to be careful what you share with your wife, especially if she is showing no remorse. She's only going to look out for herself, her son's best interests will be secondary.

The best advice I can offer is to continue to try to be the best parent possible. For your son, just be honest - if he is mad that you told your wife what he said - apologize and let him know that parents are human too - maybe you made a mistake by telling her. You're there for your kids and have their best interests in mind at all times. That's all they really need to know.
 

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Thanks Cedar....she is going through a MLC I think but I do not understand why this changes people soo much...

I made a MAJOR mistake over the holidays - my youngest son and I got along great and we started healing from all this crap and he disclosed stuff she did last summer with me and how it upset him...I was concerned after he left to university so I brought it up with her and how we should be concerned about him and disclosed what he told me.....I think she went to him and used it against me what an evil b****. Anyways any advise on how to handle this situation.
Call her on it! You did not make a major mistake. She dd in how she chose to handle the information you gave her. She needs to be responsible for her actions. Set a boundary that she can not badmouth you to your children. It undermines your relationship with him. MLC my *SS.!

Is she getting regular IC?
 

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Call her on it! You did not make a major mistake. She dd in how she chose to handle the information you gave her. She needs to be responsible for her actions. Set a boundary that she can not badmouth you to your children. It undermines your relationship with him. MLC my *SS.!

Is she getting regular IC?
Ideally yes. But what are the chances she will take responsibility for her actions? At this point: ZERO. bigtone128 cannot trust his wife - so going forward he just has to be careful what he says - even about the kids because she has proven that she doesn't give a damn about their best interests - she will twist what he says for her own gain.

bigtone needs to forget about his wife, and just concentrate on continuing to be a great parent and to work on his own happiness without his wife. She's got to snap out of the fog, but there is no point wasting time trying to reason with her. For the kids - sounds like they are older and out of the house - so I would recommend that he just do the best job he can as a parent and let his STBXW ruin her own life ON HER OWN.
 

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Never entirely. But in some ways they can't help but to see them. The next question is do they really care? And again, they do and they don't.

Remember, marital betrayal is so hateful and despicable that people who do such things are 'different' and it's part of their mentality to hurt people as badly as they can for their personal gratification. Their very nature is lies and deception. So there's only so much they can really change.

Sorry but you're projecting here and this scenario is not true for all WSs
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Oh they see them but they take very little of the blame, after all if they took the blame that would make them accountable for their actions and we all know that is the last thing they will do.
One thing I know for sure is that being sorry and not taking responsibility for what you have done is no better than showing no remorse at all.
 

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Think about something, anything you've ever done wrong and felt sorry for. You made amends. I bet, even if rarely, you think to yourself, "It was kind of fun for a while" or "Eh, it wasn't that bad" or something that justifies it. Don't we all do this sometimes with things, not just adultery?

Had to give my 2 cents.
 

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BT,

My wife finally did... but it took being caught. At DD it seemed that she had rehearsed her justification story in the event she was ever caught (6 years serially cheating). When she started explaining why, it was almost surreal to me. I listened and really tried to understand.

What a joke. It was like she had created an alternate reality in her head. Her justifications were so flimsy and baseless in light of her lies and years of cheating. Her secret life was unraveling at the speed of light.

Within hours she was broken, alone, and in a nightmare caused entirely by her and her own selfish actions... blaming me, family, MLC, job, raising kids, whatever... would never work again for her.

For a few days, she was, best I can describe "in shock". You question... "Do They Ever See Their Wrong". In my wife's case, it damn near took losing everything that really mattered.

She broke down a few days after initial discovery and told me the truth going back 6 years with 3 AP. At first I thought she was just trying to absolve her guilt, but it was deeper than that. She had reached "the precipice" (her words) and had been stripped barren, nothing left, pleaded for mercy, "please take me out of this Hell hole".
 

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Think about something, anything you've ever done wrong and felt sorry for. You made amends. I bet, even if rarely, you think to yourself, "It was kind of fun for a while" or "Eh, it wasn't that bad" or something that justifies it. Don't we all do this sometimes with things, not just adultery?

Had to give my 2 cents.
Maybe, but in adultery it usually rips the heart and soul out of at least one person and hurts many others. I hope the freakin' fun was worth it.
 

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Maybe, but in adultery it usually rips the heart and soul out of at least one person and hurts many others. I hope the freakin' fun was worth it.
No, MM, it wasn't worth it. Those emails and texts were certainly not worth what it nearly cost me. You are right, I was very selfish. I thought only of myself and how I was feeling while it was going on. I loved the attention.

The question posed is whether or not we WS ever see our wrongs. Yes, SOME of us do. SOME of us wish we could go back and undo the pain we have caused those we love. But we can't All we can do is move forward and try to show our spouses that they really do mean the world to us. Everyday, I wish I could undo everything. And no, it's not due to being caught. I came clean to my husband on my own.

So, to answer the original question... yes, some of us DO see the wrongs we have done, and we do NOT try to justify it after. While we did feel "justified" during the affair, it isn't always the case after.
 
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