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This is going to be long.

OK. I've started a few threads here over the last year or so. Used two different user names because I thought I deleted the other, but automatically logged in via my browser.

I was recommended the book No More Mr Nice Guy. I've only read about 40 pages into it and skimmed the rest of the book. Wow, do I have a lot of these issues. Personally I feel my biggest problem was bottling things up and then exploding when I can't take anymore.

My girlfriend, and mother of my children, has a prescription drug problem. She was already physically addicted when we got together 8 years ago. The first few years of our relationship I wasn't emotionally available and bottled things up. When we'd fight it'd be a huge blow out and I'd say mean things trying to hurt her. It was ugly.

Two years ago our daughter was born. She went through withdrawal. My eyes started to open, but I was still not seeing the big picture. I slowly started to work on myself. Exercise. Mentally working through things I thought were major issues (i.e., anger). Reaching out to her, but at the same time being angry at her for hurting my daughter (I thought she was off the drugs during the pregnancy).

Things went pretty downhill since then. I thought she was off the medication a few months after our daughter was born. Turned out her mother paid for her to go a treatment center and get Suboxone because she "couldn't take it." From then on the lies began to build. I'd find pills (she was also secretly taking Xanax), but she'd tell me how I didn't trust her etc etc and often it would lead to a huge screaming fight. She'd blame her sister (also has/had a drug problem). Then I'd feel guilty and try to smooth things over.

My son was born 3 months ago addicted to Suboxone. Something I was shamed for even inquiring about during the pregnancy by both her and her mother (who I now know knew what was going on). He came home like normal and she breast fed because that helps babies not go through withdrawal. He wasn't gaining enough weight so the doctors had us switch to formula. Then the withdrawal began.

She took him to the hospital and he was admitted. She kept me away from there asking me to just take care of our daughter. I finally insisted I stay on the weekend. When I began asking the doctors questions about what I was told was an allergic reaction to formula they told me the couldn't divulge any information. Red flags sprung up like weeds after rain.

Finally she admitted to using Subutext while breastfeeding. Then it was while pregnant.

We lived together for another month or so as roommates and parents. Then one night she went out to dinner and never came home. She told me in the morning that she had a one night stand. All these other truths started pouring out. The Suboxone use. The particular lies we fought about over the past two years.

Then she claimed she didn't have a one night stand, but she did see a guy for a few weeks last year. She said it started out that she was getting pills from him and then one thing led to another.

She still seems to be defending her actions. She stated at one point that she didn't think the suboxone use was a problem, but quickly retracted that when I asked about our children's withdrawal. Someone from the hospital sent my son's full medical records for the stay to our house. Addressed to the "parents." She wants to file a complaint because it states what medication she was taking while pregnant. She will admit what she did was wrong, but won't accept the consequences. I realize legally she has a complaint. I told her to suck it up and accept she should have disclosed everything to me in the beginning.

So, I'm reading that book. Realizing I have made major mistakes. One of them is letting this relationship continue so long. Hoping that this time she's telling the truth, and believing it will be different in the future. Feeling like if I left her she'd fall apart, or couldn't handle it.

I'm realizing that I made mistakes and starting to believe that's OK. I still don't deserve to be treated that way. Our kids didn't deserve to be sick. Our relationship is very very unhealthy.

I'm going to follow the advice the best I can in the book. I'm working with a lawyer to get a custody agreement in place. I'm encouraging her to get a job. I've told her that it's not likely to work out between us now. I'm trying to keep things civil at least until after we agree on custody terms.

I'm leaving a lot out here. This is already a very long post. My intention was to summarize my story. Thank you guys for the honest advice and book recommendation, and apologize for deleting my last thread.
 

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It sounds like you are ready to take a stand and strong action to protect yourself and your children.

Do you need to get a DNA test done on your son? If she's been fooling around he may not be yours and she isn't a reliable source of information.

You should also get yourself tested for STDs because if she's having sex with drug users your chance for STDs just jumped big time into an seriously at risk category.

As for her claim of medical privacy - I do not believe it extends to your son or daughter. As their parent you have a legal right to see their entire medical records. The doctors may not discuss your wife records without her permission, but your children's records should be open for you to see.
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
It sounds like you are ready to take a stand and strong action to protect yourself and your children.

Do you need to get a DNA test done on your son? If she's been fooling around he may not be yours and she isn't a reliable source of information.

You should also get yourself tested for STDs because if she's having sex with drug users your chance for STDs just jumped big time into an seriously at risk category.

As for her claim of medical privacy - I do not believe it extends to your son or daughter. As their parent you have a legal right to see their entire medical records. The doctors may not discuss your wife records without her permission, but your children's records should be open for you to see.
I haven't decided what to do about the DNA test yet. If he wasn't mine what do I do? Dump him on her? What good would that do him. I think of him as mine either way. What about his sister? I haven't really decided what to do about that yet. EDIT: she did show me phone records to "prove" when it took place. But there's definitely a possibility that's not the only time it happened.

I will get an STD test to be sure before I have any sexual partners. I don't have anything unusual going on so it's not my top priority at the moment.

It was explained to me that they are protecting her privacy (medication she took) not my son's. We are not married and I don't have many rights as a father until the lawyer does his thing.
 

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I haven't decided what to do about the DNA test yet. If he wasn't mine what do I do? Dump him on her? What good would that do him. I think of him as mine either way. What about his sister? I haven't really decided what to do about that yet.

I will get an STD test to be sure before I have any sexual partners. I don't have anything unusual going on so it's not my top priority at the moment.

It was explained to me that they are protecting her privacy (medication she took) not my son's. We are not married and I don't have many rights as a father until the lawyer does his thing.
Your on the right path.

If you need your own help to deal with her additions, here's a link that might help you, and help you help your kids. It's not for her, it's for you. Nar-Anon Home

Good luck.
 

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Thanks for the link. I knew there was stuff out there like that, but hadn't thought to look into it.
There you will find others who have been in your shoes. They can show you how not to make the mistakes and how to succeed. You will be welcomed.
Be well.
 
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